TW! Partner touched me sexually against my wishes

[DietCokeChipsAndMayo]

Created this account because I love to read here and I definitely don’t want to talk to anyone in real life about this but I feel like I need some clarity

Basically earlier today my partner pinned me down in sort of a ‘play fighting’ kind of way which he does regularly and I never particularly enjoy because he’s so much bigger and stronger than me and IMO always just goes a little bit too far, but this time he’d been trying to initiate sex and I didn’t want to but he managed to get me into a position I couldn’t move from and put his fingers inside me and started attempting to masturbate me (I’m so sorry if this is TMI!) despite my protests
I kept telling him to get off and take his fingers out but he wouldn’t, I actually ended up clawing and pinching his face and refusing to let go until he’d moved his hand (I could only reach his face)
I honestly don’t know how I feel
He seems to think it was all funny and playful and fine, (I think he thinks as we’re a couple he can touch me whenever he wants) and is basically making me feel like I’m overreacting
He apologised but said he could see I was being moody so he’s sorry
Tbh I’ve been a bit tearful on and off for the rest of the afternoon which is very unlike me, but I’ve had to be normal around him because it’s like he’s already forgot it happened it was so insignificant to him
And we do have quite a touchy feely relationship, he regularly touches my bum and things all day long so I can almost see why he thinks this was in a similar vein, I just feel a bit … I don’t know, sick tbh!!

If he dares to minimise it what happened again (you should to leave this man regardless, he is dangerous, but just to drive the point home to him) then ask him this:

If he had to watch his daughter's future partner pin her down as an adult, while she shouted no repeatedly, clawed at his face and punched him all to desperately try and make him stop while he continued to pin her down and put his fingers in her vagina...

Would he think that it was ok because they are a couple? That his daughter was being moody for being upset? That the man had the right to do what he did?

Would he fuck. He would break the guy's fucking neck. So he's a hypocrite as well as a sexual abuser.

He sexually assaulted his partner and thinks your status as a couple gives him the right to do so.

Men like him sicken me. I'm so proud of you for asking him to leave so you can get your head together on this. Already you're seeing other ways in which he has minimised and mocked your feelings.

He is an absolute cunt.

@DietCokeChipsAndMayo

I am feeling a little bit overwhelmed with the responses tbh Partly because there are lots, but also because there are so many I want to quote and agree with and tell you all why you’re so right and give examples that I couldn’t possibly respond to each one

You are all absolutely right and I know it
And I knew you’d all say it
I sort of felt like I needed … permission to be sad? God knows why
But I actually feel so much better reading all the messages, some more than others but Thankyou all so much for taking the time and for being so kind

Oh also I want to apologise if anybody feels I was minimising or saying in any way I agree with this behaviour- I absolutely do not, my head just needed to catch up with my gut I suppose

Mayo my dear, you have nothing to apologise for. Let that sink in, NOTHING.

Nobody here is highlighting "minimising" in an attempt to give you a scolding. But is it being talked about a lot, because it is always a feature of domestic abuse. The abuser will minimise for obvious reasons of grooming, gaslighting, & wanting to continue their behaviour without repercussions. The victim will minimise because it is so bloody hard to deal with the fact they they have been abused - & will have been conditioned by the abuser through his grooming & gaslighting.

So when you feel things like "but ... technically he's 'allowed' to touch me" - THAT is minimising. It is also a very normal part of the bewildering reactions you are having to manage, & nobody is telling you off for feeling it. We just want to to be aware of it, & treat it with suspicion & disdain, because IT IS A LIE.

You are all absolutely right and I know it
And I knew you’d all say it
I sort of felt like I needed … permission to be sad? God knows why

Because permission to own your own feelings has probably been ground down in you over the years he has shown such form at "being good at belittling my feelings" (apologies cannot find exact quote at mo).
He has groomed & conditioned you to worry more about his feelings than your own.
He has shown you that even your feeling of hating the play-fights is "wrong", by ignoring you & carrying on.

You can see the pattern, but it's frightening & awful & will mean some very difficult decisions. In fact it's so difficult that it's easier to make an attempt to rationalise his behaviour & hope he might change. This is also a normal reaction to abuse, & you are not to blame for it. But -
He won't change.
Give yourself permission to believe in facts & reality.
What happened to you is horribly sad - therefore you feel sad.
No amount of false 'apologies', manipulation, or his erroneous belief in his entitlement to your body is going to make this any less sad for you.

Your feelings are going to be a rollercoaster for a while, & that's ok too ... you don't have to do anything you don't feel ready for yet.
You have done so well by posting here. It's a massive first step, because it shows how far you have come in your realisation that all is not well, has probably not been well for many years, & you are now coming out of the FOG of pushing your own feelings aside in order to accommodate his.
outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

Keep posting, Mayo, many of us here have been where you are, & you will get a lot of support. You deserve that support. You also deserve the kind hearing & support that experts at places like Rape Crisis & Womens Aid will give you.

xxx

I don’t even know what I would do if one of my daughters said this has happened to them I would be horrified - and do you know the irony, ‘D’P (for lack of an alternative way to refer to him) would lose his mind, he’d probably break the guys legs!

I'm not surprised by that in the least Mayo.

It's because he sees women as objects & property.
He "owns" your body, so feels entitled to use it no matter how hard you object.
But he also "owns" his daughters' bodies, so woe betide any other male who tampers with his property ...

You need to sit down with him and discuss the fact it was sexual assault. Write down what you want to say so he can't try and justify his actions just because you've been together for so long.

Why does she "need" to so that, @SuperStarRose?

What do you think it would achieve?
She has already told him how she feels, & he took as much notice of it as he took of her firm & several times repeated "no" to his frequent playfighting & her totally unambiguous "no" to his sexual assault.

What is your reasoning here - that she gets another meaningless "apology"? Even if she got one, what would it prove? When you smash a vase, does saying sorry to it magically fix it?

What are the chances that a man whose face she had to claw to get him off her is going to listen reasonably to her feelings? You know, the ones she's not allowed to have in case he gets bothered by her being "moody" about his sexual assault?

he spent the evening last night following me round asking if I was his friend again yet and I felt so bloody claustrophobic

Oh god OP, I totally understand your claustrophobia.
He's still happily invading your space, isn't he, with no concept of what you feel or what need. It's all about him, & what he feels & wants.

He's following you around, using his special soft voice, to get you to cave in, 'forgive him', & let him get away with it.

He's not asking "can be be friends" btw.
He's asking "can I continue perpetrating sexual violence against you, while you put up & shut up?"

He is not your friend.
You cannot afford to be his friend.
Friends don't commit violence & sexual assault on each other.

I think it was a great idea to get him to leave for a few days. Take some space to think about what you want to do next. I think it would be a great idea to talk to rape crisis or women's aid about your situation. I totally understand it must be overwhelming with 4 small kids to think about being a single mum. But the problem is that if you take him back, that's a message to him that this behaviour is going to be accepted in future. He'll be nice for a bit, then he'll do it again - or worse, and next time, when you're upset, he'll have no patience for it. In his mind, if you take him back, he's got away with it.

I agree with pp that children are very much affected by everything that happens in the home and living with a sexual abuser is not ideal for them any more than it is for you. Sorry, I know it's so hard

@NowEvenBetter

xxx

Isn’t it strange how all these little things aren’t even sometimes noticeable and now there’s been a big thing I’m questioning absolutely everything

Sweetheart, yes, & it's another well-documented aspect of the whole cycle of abuse.

You are questioning everything now because you are beginning the process of realisation & recognition that people go through when they are able to lift themselves out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt - there is a link about this upthread).

He's not asking "can be be friends" btw.
He's asking "can I continue perpetrating sexual violence against you, while you put up & shut up?"

This is unfortunately true. He is escalating and trying to get your permission to do so.

It's great that he's agreed to leave for a few days. Great for you both to reflect on what's happened and for you to work out how to move forward with your life from here. And indeed who in real life you want to talk to about this to get your head around it.

I'm so sorry to see some posters here being nasty about each other's comments and making it all about their agenda and thinking their opinions and advice are the only ones that count. It's not really in keeping with the seriousness of your predicament and the gentle care you require right now.

@DietCokeChipsAndMayo

OnTheBenchOfDoom there’s a similar size difference here, I’m not even sure when this play fighting started, he doesn’t even always tickle me it’s more of a pinning down exercise and trying to get me to just not be able to move I suppose, I’ve never enjoyed it and I don’t know why or when it happens, I never win btw! And as you said EvilPea this is something I would tell my children off for doing

EvilSight this is exactly what I mean my when I said he belittles my feelings, I’m never ever justified in ever being annoyed, I’m always just being moody or dramatic or I get ‘have you finished yet?’ Or the one that pisses me off the most ‘are you in your period?’ I can’t ever just be annoyed at him being a knob
When I describe him as a misogynist it’s not that he thinks women aren’t capable or as clever or anything like that, it’s more he’s always looking at boobs on Instagram or whatever we watch on the he has to find someone to fancy in it kind of thing, more about looks than anything else

Isn’t it strange how all these little things aren’t even sometimes noticeable and now there’s been a big thing I’m questioning absolutely everything

are you in your period?

Awful. You can never have any negative feelings ever about him. None that are valid. He reduced you down to your menstrual cycle (and when did all women suffer from moodyness anyway from that)?? That's a big misconception, one that men like him fully take advantage of.

To me sexism or chauvinism is when someone has a dismissive attitude towards women. You are thought of like a large child and therefore seen as incompetent, unreliable and not really worthy of respect. It's not that they hate you as such. You are just a figure of light mockery, patronising attitudes, not worth listening to because of your lady brain. You will be held in less regard, paid less in jobs because you don't carry the authority that a man does, and whatever you do will be seen as lesser. Sometimes women are simply insignificant, people that are not worth taking seriously. Some men who display a bit of these attitudes call their wives 'the wife'. Never 'my wife', or by her actual name, but always 'THE wife' in from of his mates, because the in-joke between them is that you are an object, a figure of fun.

Misogyny is a true dislike or hatred of women. Some misogynist men think that women are very intelligent, but they see women as a figure of deep suspicion, with men being the heroic, real victims in society. Women are sneaky and shouldn't be trusted. They're femme fatales, sirens and snakes designed to lure men into doom. We're unpure. According to men like that, women are only after money and should therefore be kept at arm's length (and treated as one step above escorts).

Despite whatever stats they're shown that shows otherwise, they're determined to see women as being the beneficiaries of special treatment, whilst men have to heroically go it alone, against all the odds. It comes with a lot of resentment. Out of that resentment you get men watching women getting hurt on Youtube for 'fun' , you get rape fantasies as a form of revenge for all sorts of evils women are supposed to wreak in society, and you also get a serious lack of empathy when it comes to the suffering women experience when they give birth.

He has (finally!) left, I feel like I exhaled properly for the first time all day when he went, he did say he’ll see me tomorrow though so I’m not sure he even listened to me 🤦🏻‍♀️
I’m going to catch up on all the links and posts once the kids are in bed and see how I feel - I do keep checking the thread throughout the day but so many of them make me cry 🤦🏻‍♀️ I’m not usually this emotional honestly!!

Just want to thankyou all again

@DietCokeChipsAndMayo

He has (finally!) left, I feel like I exhaled properly for the first time all day when he went, he did say he’ll see me tomorrow though so I’m not sure he even listened to me 🤦🏻‍♀️ I’m going to catch up on all the links and posts once the kids are in bed and see how I feel - I do keep checking the thread throughout the day but so many of them make me cry 🤦🏻‍♀️ I’m not usually this emotional honestly!!

Just want to thankyou all again

Bless you OP, you've done so well to get some physical space to allow you to breathe and think.

I would echo others who suggested giving womens aid a call, even if only to talk through what happened and what you options are.

We are all here for you too if you need a boost / advice / reassurance

Keep posting, OP. So many women have been through partner assault/rape, emotional abuse, violence and all the rest of it. Lots of single mums who are doing a fantastic job raising their kids. There's lots of advice and resources when you're ready xx

Phew, OP.

A night's respite from him is just what you need.

Don't be afraid to tell him it's not long enough, & that he - the perpetrator - is not the person who gets to decide how many days he stays away while you process this.

If he gets arsey about that, bear in mind that he has broken the law on more than one count. Should you choose to call the police, he could be removed from the family home for his sexual assault on you.
He is also committing coercive control, which is an offence carrying a sentence of up to 5 years.

It is entirely up to you whether you want to report or not.
But it is an option for you. Which you may wish to consider because -
he did say he’ll see me tomorrow though so I’m not sure he even listened to me
This is simply more evidence of his coercive control.
He didn't listen when you told him to stop the play-fights, did he?
He didn't listen when you gave him a direct & unambiguous NO during the sexual assault.
Of course he's not listening about giving you space.
Instead, he's decided that one night's lip service will get him off the hook, but he'll come back whenever he feels like it. Because your feelings do not matter to him at all.

Keep breathing out those relieved exhalations OP & I hope you have a peaceful evening & a very good night's sleep.

Do you think you might feel up to ringing WA or RC tomorrow?
You need a 'live' woman on your team right now - not just us bunch of randoms on the net xx

@ChargingBuck

Phew, OP.

A night's respite from him is just what you need.

Don't be afraid to tell him it's not long enough, & that he - the perpetrator - is not the person who gets to decide how many days he stays away while you process this.

If he gets arsey about that, bear in mind that he has broken the law on more than one count. Should you choose to call the police, he could be removed from the family home for his sexual assault on you.
He is also committing coercive control, which is an offence carrying a sentence of up to 5 years.

It is entirely up to you whether you want to report or not.
But it is an option for you. Which you may wish to consider because -
he did say he’ll see me tomorrow though so I’m not sure he even listened to me
This is simply more evidence of his coercive control.
He didn't listen when you told him to stop the play-fights, did he?
He didn't listen when you gave him a direct & unambiguous NO during the sexual assault.
Of course he's not listening about giving you space.
Instead, he's decided that one night's lip service will get him off the hook, but he'll come back whenever he feels like it. Because your feelings do not matter to him at all.

Keep breathing out those relieved exhalations OP & I hope you have a peaceful evening & a very good night's sleep.

Do you think you might feel up to ringing WA or RC tomorrow?
You need a 'live' woman on your team right now - not just us bunch of randoms on the net xx

Absolutely agree with this.

Please speak to someone like Women's Aid to say out loud how you are feeling.

Keep posting.

We really are here for you.

I'm pleased to hear your update. As pp said, keep posting, whenever you doubt yourself we've all got your back.

Massive red flags here, it’s sexual assault and he sounds like a sociopath, ‘you’re mine so I can do what I want’ erm no it’s your body and your choice xxx

How are you feeling today OP? 💐

Ah thankyou for thinking of me and checking in
I feel ok today, tbh I haven’t even thought about it much but I do feel a bit lighter, the house somehow feels enormous without him in it?!
He hasn’t even text or rang or anything since he left though which I’m really trying to not let bother me but at the same time I’m thinking ‘why doesn’t he even care?!’ 🤦🏻‍♀️

He's ignoring you so that you'll panic and think oh no, I've lost him! I'll have to beg him to come home and let him do whatever he wants or he'll leave me.

I'm sorry to say that he has shown he doesn't care about you through his actions. He is trying to control you and get you to fall back in line. I know it's hard to process it all, but that feeling of spaciousness and lightness is called freedom from your abuser. Maybe think about how you can have that feeling forever.

@beastlyslumber

He's ignoring you so that you'll panic and think oh no, I've lost him! I'll have to beg him to come home and let him do whatever he wants or he'll leave me.

I'm sorry to say that he has shown he doesn't care about you through his actions. He is trying to control you and get you to fall back in line. I know it's hard to process it all, but that feeling of spaciousness and lightness is called freedom from your abuser. Maybe think about how you can have that feeling forever.

Absolutely this.

His silence is his attempt to punish you for not accepting being sexually assaulted and having to fight him off.

You feel light because this awful excuse of a man is away from you and you feel safe.

Take your time and reflect.
Please speak to someone.
Don't contact him and don't let him return anytime soon, you need time to think.

Keep posting.

If he does come back, OP, it has to be on your terms and not his.

Please think carefully about your future before making any big decisions

Oh no I know exactly what he’s doing don’t worry, I have no intentions of contacting him, tbh I don’t feel like I have anything to even say to him at this moment. I should have lots to say, lots of whys and how could yous but in reality - I don’t want to say anything! I haven’t even been doing the clock watching I’ve done before thinking ‘he’ll be on his lunch now, he’ll have just finished work’ and wondering whether he’s thinking of me, I have honestly hardly given it a thought! I don’t know what is going on!
I do cringe a little bit when you all say he’s an abuser though, I can’t quite get my head around the thought that I’m in an abusive relationship yet, if I ever will.
I have zero idea what I’m thinking I want long term yet either. Zero.