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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

TW! Partner touched me sexually against my wishes

178 replies

DietCokeChipsAndMayo · 20/09/2021 19:23

Created this account because I love to read here and I definitely don’t want to talk to anyone in real life about this but I feel like I need some clarity

Basically earlier today my partner pinned me down in sort of a ‘play fighting’ kind of way which he does regularly and I never particularly enjoy because he’s so much bigger and stronger than me and IMO always just goes a little bit too far, but this time he’d been trying to initiate sex and I didn’t want to but he managed to get me into a position I couldn’t move from and put his fingers inside me and started attempting to masturbate me (I’m so sorry if this is TMI!) despite my protests
I kept telling him to get off and take his fingers out but he wouldn’t, I actually ended up clawing and pinching his face and refusing to let go until he’d moved his hand (I could only reach his face)
I honestly don’t know how I feel
He seems to think it was all funny and playful and fine, (I think he thinks as we’re a couple he can touch me whenever he wants) and is basically making me feel like I’m overreacting
He apologised but said he could see I was being moody so he’s sorry
Tbh I’ve been a bit tearful on and off for the rest of the afternoon which is very unlike me, but I’ve had to be normal around him because it’s like he’s already forgot it happened it was so insignificant to him
And we do have quite a touchy feely relationship, he regularly touches my bum and things all day long so I can almost see why he thinks this was in a similar vein, I just feel a bit … I don’t know, sick tbh!!

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 20/09/2021 19:58

if I say anything about breaking up or anything he will downplay it and make out like I’m being dramatic because he’s been there 1000s of times so what difference does it make kind of thing

Do you know what? In this instance I honestly would report the assault to the police so that they can speak with him about it. This man needs to be told this is not fucking OK.

Then I would make plans to separate.

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 20/09/2021 20:01

@DietCokeChipsAndMayo

Sorry my posts are a bit ramble and hard to follow
Not surprising given that someone you are supposed to be able to trust violated that

What he did is the most vulgar and aggressive expression of entitled misogyny within a relationship and is basically sexual assault.

The children are a factor in favour of at least ending the relationship with him if not reporting this to the police in my opinion since he has shown something of himself as a man and a father you should never ever be associated with.

So sorry he did that to you

bigbaggyeyes · 20/09/2021 20:01

You said no, he carried on. That is assault

Faevern · 20/09/2021 20:05

You had to claw his face to get him off and he thinks that’s fun? Jesus it’s sexual assault with force does he really not understand that? He would be out on his arse, if my DP ever did that I would call the police.

TBH I would have stopped it when the “play fighting” first started, there is no way I would ever be restrained or overpowered by anyone and think it was ok. Unless they were saving my life. Not. Ever.

You need to contact woman’s aid or victim support.

Unanananana · 20/09/2021 20:15

if I say anything about breaking up or anything he will downplay it and make out like I’m being dramatic because he’s been there 1000s of times so what difference does it make kind of thing

So he should be allowed to sexually abuse you and you have to put up and shut up because he thinks he is entitled to your body?

You don't have to put up with it. The excuses you are coming out with (kids, house etc) can be sorted. He will escalate and eventually rape you because he feels that is his right.

I couldn't look at someone who thought about me like that, let alone live with them, shag them or have any sort of affectionate feeling towards them. Why would you stay with him? A good father does not sexually assault anyone, let alone his kids mother.

Aren't you worth more than that?

Shoxfordian · 20/09/2021 20:19

He regularly sexually assaults you by the sounds of it, if this happened to you before

Call the police and women’s aid. Get out of the house ASAP

BlueMoons90 · 20/09/2021 20:20

You have been sexually assaulted. I'm so sorry.

I hate to be rash but I would leave my DP in an instant, although I understand that may not be possible for you. Please, please be safe Thanks

Leftbutcameback · 20/09/2021 20:20

I'm so sorry he did that to you, and I think you know how wrong it was but it's really hard to consider changing your life so drastically for something that feels like it was over quickly. Have you got a local counseling service you could speak to? I feel like you need some expert help on this one. These people also have live chat which might be easier rapecrisis.org.uk/

Sending you all good thoughts Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/09/2021 20:31

I get it, it’s difficult to even contemplate unpicking your life. I also think you need to speak to someone and I hope you follow the rape crisis link. He has just told you he really doesn’t care about your boundaries. This is escalating from tickling to sexual assault.

BrilloPaddy · 20/09/2021 20:37

Minimise all you like, but he'll do it again.

What if someone had done this to one of your DC? Would you tell them to tolerate it too?

Radiosilenced · 20/09/2021 20:46

I'm so sorry he's acted this way. It's not OK. It is a sexual assault. Is he abusive in other ways at all?

Original poster
DietCokeChipsAndMayo · 20/09/2021 20:46

Thankyou all for the replies
They haven’t been easy to read tbh
EarthSight yours in particular was very sobering and I found myself nodding along and relating with every single point quite frighteningly
Mummyoflittledragons you’re right it is escalating, I genuinely hadn’t even realised; there was no ‘play fighting’ at the beginning of the relationship I don’t know when that even started, I’m fairly sure he wasn’t as grabby and touchy throughout the day at the beginning either
I just don’t understand why?! Why at this point in our life would he start to be like this?! Don’t men just want a quiet happy life?!
Leftbutcameback you’re right it feels like a huge thing to change everything for such a minor moment in the day, and I know that’s how he’ll make me feel about it too

Thankyou all for taking the time to respond I appreciate every one

OP posts:
Original poster
DietCokeChipsAndMayo · 20/09/2021 20:48

BrilloPaddy I don’t think I’ve minimised or said I tolerate anything? If I thought it was ok I wouldn’t have cried my way through the day and reading every post on here

OP posts:
altmember · 20/09/2021 20:51

I was a bit surprised to read that you'd been together 14 years and make it sound like this is a 'first offence'. That seems rather odd behaviour to have suddenly developed after all this time. The play fighting is one thing, but it's a significant leap to go on to sexual assault.

So if you've an otherwise good relationship, and if he's showing contrition, then it may be possible to forgive this as a one off thing. If he tries to trivialise or excuse his behaviour or it ever happens again, then it's definitely time to separate and report him.

cheeseismydownfall · 20/09/2021 20:51

I think it is very easy for everyone to cry 'LTB' from a distance, and I'm not saying their wrong. But in the real world obviously it isn't simple.

You could think about using this as an opportunity to spell out to him EXACTLY how horrific this behaviour is. Write him a letter if you feel you will struggle to to say what needs to be said. And show him this thread.

-Tell him in no uncertain terms that he has assaulted you and that he now has ZERO chances and that ANY repeat occurrence will mean the immediate end of your relationship. Clearly tell him what your boundaries are:

-Absolutely no playfighting, or any other kind of interaction which involves him playing off his physical strength against yours.

-Your No means No IMMEDIATELY, absolutely no questions and without any sulking/blaming.

-ANY attempt to deflect/belittle/dismiss your feelings about what had happened, now or in the future, also means an immediate end to the relationship.

I don't know, OP, to be honest his behaviour was so disgusting that I'm hesitant to even suggest any kind of second chance. And the fact that you think he will belittle you if you confront him means he is in all likelihood a lost cause But I hear what you are saying about how it isn't simple, and I thought I would at least suggest a possible alternative. You would need to be able to hold firm to the zero chance approach though. If you take a hard line now and then let him get away with something similar in the future then it would be utterly beyond saving.

BrendaBubbles · 20/09/2021 20:52

I don’t know if I’m being a bit over sensitive as we are a couple he is kind of teccchhhhnically allowed to touch me?!

Flowers Oh hun Sad The fact you’ve felt and thought about this enough to post here means you really don’t think it’s okay and you’re looking for some justification here that him sexually assaulting you was right. But it wasn’t. And never will be. He is not “technically” allowed to touch you at all without consent each time.

cheeseismydownfall · 20/09/2021 20:54

I'd add any form of 'out of context' sexual contact to the list as well. eg absolutely no groping, ever.

beastlyslumber · 20/09/2021 21:01

it feels like a huge thing to change everything for such a minor moment in the day, and I know that’s how he’ll make me feel about it too

It's not a "minor moment" OP it's a sexual assault, which is a crime. He doesn't have the right to do this to you any more than any random man would. In fact, I'd argue it's worth, because he's your partner who you should be able to trust and share intimacy with, who is abusing you.

(When people say you are 'minimising' that's what they mean, btw. It may be 'minor' in the sense that it takes only a few minutes, but it is absolutely massive in emotional and relationship terms. And legal terms, for that matter.)

I'm so, so sorry OP. I do agree with pp that for your safety you need to get away from this man.

beastlyslumber · 20/09/2021 21:02

worse, not worth

crayray · 20/09/2021 21:03

@BrilloPaddy

Minimise all you like, but he'll do it again.

What if someone had done this to one of your DC? Would you tell them to tolerate it too?

I think your tone is a bit harsh. The OP is clearly distressed and vulnerable.

OP I hope you get the help you need. You know this is wrong, you don't need to be told that. You do need to be told that whilst it seems complicated and a big hassle to leave him, it's entirely doable and it's necessary to protect yourself and your children from further harm (in the case of the children, I mean psychological harm in the absence of anything to suggest otherwise).

💐

Summerfun54321 · 20/09/2021 21:06

For those saying this is a first offence and maybe he made a mistake. She actually clawed at his face to make him stop. I haven’t been with a single man who I imagine would do anything nearly this bad. This is really dark. I couldn’t be intimate with my DH ever again if he did this to me. Sorry this happened to you OP Flowers

Shelddd · 20/09/2021 21:10

There definitely is implied consent in a romantic relationship especially cohabitation with kids. You don't have to verbally ask to grope your partner, kiss them, etc.... But implied consent absolutely goes away when they tell you to stop. Which you did several times and you did very strongly. There was no room for interpretation. His behavior is very concerning. Not sure how long ago it was but it might even be worthy of filing a police report as it will help when it comes time for divorce and custody.

ANameChangeAgain · 20/09/2021 21:12

I don't agree with those who say you could get past this or write him a letter telling him how you felt. He knew what he was doing and has been building up to it and probably more. If anything you should be taking this to the police and reporting as a serious sexual assault. I'm old fashioned and believe that your DH should make you feel safe and protected, so I don't know how you'll get past this.
Do you rely on him financially? If so please start to work out how you can become independent. Womens Aid, Citizens Advice.

Heruka · 20/09/2021 21:17

Don’t show him this thread, OP, I think that’s really bad advice from PP. I think Earthsight is spot on and that there is a strong likelihood that he will do this again, and that his degrading attitude towards you is more significant/risky than you would like to face. I’d imagine you would be able to pin down points where he has breached your boundaries before and this is a pattern of escalation. Showing him the thread and his knowing you are being advised to consider reporting him to the police, is not a wise move, even if that’s not on your radar just now. I’m sorry OP, this must be so distressing. I am also hearing/hoping that perhaps there is also some benefit for you in being validated - you knew people would respond in this way because you know this is not ok. Flowers