@DietCokeChipsAndMayo
Thankyou all for the replies
They haven’t been easy to read tbh
EarthSight yours in particular was very sobering and I found myself nodding along and relating with every single point quite frighteningly
Mummyoflittledragons you’re right it is escalating, I genuinely hadn’t even realised; there was no ‘play fighting’ at the beginning of the relationship I don’t know when that even started, I’m fairly sure he wasn’t as grabby and touchy throughout the day at the beginning either
I just don’t understand why?! Why at this point in our life would he start to be like this?! Don’t men just want a quiet happy life?!
Leftbutcameback you’re right it feels like a huge thing to change
everything for such a minor moment in the day, and I know that’s how he’ll make me feel about it too
Thankyou all for taking the time to respond I appreciate every one
I'm so sorry OP.
It's surreal when someone you've been with a long time does something to violate you. It will turn you upside down, but you will eventually find your feet again but the first step is to get out.
Why at this point in our life would he start to be like this?!
There is a tendency for most people to try and find sound logic to these kinds of situations, because if you can understand a problem, you feel as if you have some degree of control over it or think you'll be able to fix it. Sometimes there is no clear logic behind someone else's emotions, or not reasoning that makes sense to most people. I will outline some possible whys, and do so only in the hope that one of them will start ringing more alarm bells for you and spur you into action.
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Sometimes things like this happen because the man has had sexual assault fantasies for a long time. They've simmered in the background, mostly because he knows that his partner would find them abhorrent, and maybe they're not that important to him anyway. The woman might not have been given much of a clue about it, except maybe times where he held her wrists too hard when they were having sex, or he like certain positions which she found degrading but she was willing to put up with to keep him happy. They mostly simmer under control until something changes. Sometimes it's because he's started to watch rape porn, or porn that is more and more extreme, and then starts pushing boundries until he does end up sexually assaulting his partner.
Sometimes it's a nasty build-up of nasty resentment. Instead of dealing with it, they bury it deep where it becomes twisted and comes out in cruelty later. It's vengeance for the fact they cannot fix or control what's bothering them, or what they're really angry about. Some men, despite the fact they wanted to have children, are very angry at the fact that they're now supposed to be settled and cannot go shagging around any more. Inside, they blame their partners for the fact they've had to give up their youth and will punish you for it.
In another type of scenario, a certain type of man who feels emasculated by their female partner will try to dominate them in some way. It could be belittling her in front of their friends, it could be taking more and more control over her finances, it could be testing boundaries and play-flighting as he's been doing with you.
'Why on earth would he feel emasculated by little old me?', many women would wonder. Some women who cannot match their partner's job or pay will be his equal (or more) in the intelligence or personality department.
That might be fine for years, until one day, he doesn't like it so much any more. He wants to feel dominant in every way - a few areas just won't do. He wants to be king of the castle and grows more and more entitled. He feels entitled to his partner's body, and doesn't like it one bit when she says no, because he doesn't like rejection and it's a challenge to his perceived power. Some poor women end up completely smothered in life because that power is like a drug for a lot of those men - once they taste a little bit they want more and more until the woman doesn't recognise herself any more, and she is a subordinate party in her own marriage. What started out as a fairly respectful partnership of equals can end up very lop-sided because the man has developed a taste for having his little wifey whenever he wants.
Then there's simply a lack of empathy - a lot of people confuse charm politeness as being the same thing as being a nice person. They're not. They're often superficial and some it can be self-serving. Some people know how to display certain characteristics in order to get what they're after.
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I understand it's not simple, but would you consider the idea that you're starting to hear the alarm bells, but you're not hearing them properly yet?
In the midst of taking the kids to school, eating your cereal, washing your hair, going to work and all of life's small detail, it's so easy to think 'I'm not in any danger here'.
Ok, maybe you're not in life threatening danger (maybe), but I think you're in danger of being violated again.
By staying, despite how upset you get about this, the message he will receive is 'My partner is the type of woman who puts up with being sexually assaulted....because despite how upset she was.....she's still here.....isn't she?'
It's awful to think that, but that is how a lot of boundry-pushers think like. They will push until someone breaks.