TW! Partner touched me sexually against my wishes

[DietCokeChipsAndMayo]

Created this account because I love to read here and I definitely don’t want to talk to anyone in real life about this but I feel like I need some clarity

Basically earlier today my partner pinned me down in sort of a ‘play fighting’ kind of way which he does regularly and I never particularly enjoy because he’s so much bigger and stronger than me and IMO always just goes a little bit too far, but this time he’d been trying to initiate sex and I didn’t want to but he managed to get me into a position I couldn’t move from and put his fingers inside me and started attempting to masturbate me (I’m so sorry if this is TMI!) despite my protests
I kept telling him to get off and take his fingers out but he wouldn’t, I actually ended up clawing and pinching his face and refusing to let go until he’d moved his hand (I could only reach his face)
I honestly don’t know how I feel
He seems to think it was all funny and playful and fine, (I think he thinks as we’re a couple he can touch me whenever he wants) and is basically making me feel like I’m overreacting
He apologised but said he could see I was being moody so he’s sorry
Tbh I’ve been a bit tearful on and off for the rest of the afternoon which is very unlike me, but I’ve had to be normal around him because it’s like he’s already forgot it happened it was so insignificant to him
And we do have quite a touchy feely relationship, he regularly touches my bum and things all day long so I can almost see why he thinks this was in a similar vein, I just feel a bit … I don’t know, sick tbh!!

You poor woman.

He is absolute scum of the earth.

You fought him off.

You had to fight off a sexual assault.

He thinks it's nothing?

Is he happy for you to speak to the police or rape crisis and have the law explained to him?

He is utter scum.

I think you know that too.

Clearly he is escalating his assaults on you.

Only you can decide what to do.

But Rape Crisis, Women's Aid, the police are who you need to speak to, should you want to.

Think of your children and what they must be witnessing.

Have you any family/friends to support you?

Keep posting.

I am feeling a little bit overwhelmed with the responses tbh
Partly because there are lots, but also because there are so many I want to quote and agree with and tell you all why you’re so right and give examples that I couldn’t possibly respond to each one

You are all absolutely right and I know it
And I knew you’d all say it
I sort of felt like I needed … permission to be sad? God knows why
But I actually feel so much better reading all the messages, some more than others but Thankyou all so much for taking the time and for being so kind

Oh also I want to apologise if anybody feels I was minimising or saying in any way I agree with this behaviour- I absolutely do not, my head just needed to catch up with my gut I suppose

I'm really pleased you've found the thread helpful, OP. Keep posting, I'm sure you will get plenty of practical advice, support and solidarity.

If he'd have used his penis instead of fingers it would have been rape. He would have raped you. He sexually assaulted you. Noone should putting anything into you without certain consent.

I just wanted to add that if you google the video Tea and Consent I found this really helpful in encouraging me to end a relationship. After a similar situation when I broke up with him. I actually sent him the video as an explanation as to why I was ending it.

Also I would highly recommend the Freedom Project which is usually run by women’s aid.

He's not technically allowed anything, OP.

I know what you mean - in healthy longstanding relationships there's often a kind of unspoken contract where you can initiate sexual contact without a clear indicator first.

But there's a difference between reaching up your skirt while you make a brew as a tease in a playful way and stopping immediately when you're like, not now pal... and sexually assaulting you while you physically fight him off. It's not even in the same league and he is a disgusting piece of shit.

I'm so sorry this happened. Please be gentle with yourself - it's no wonder you're tearful, and you are going to feel fragile and your mind will be going a million miles an hour. Can you talk to someone IRL for support? You should have people nearby you trust - what he did wasn't just sexual assault, it was quite physical and forceful and I worry that he's escalating his behaviour.

Amazing posts @EarthSight and I agree 100%. I wish I had your prose and eloquence!

@simplysteveredux

Thank you. You are very kind to say.

I’m not saying I agree, he’s just usually very good at belittling my feelings

The whole dynamic of the relationship is very off OP. I don't think I've ever used the term sexual assault on mums net but I agree that's the reality of what's happened here. You're in boiling frog territory I think.

@DietCokeChipsAndMayo
Of course you’re feeling overwhelmed and I completely get what you mean by feeling like you need ‘permission’ to not be ok with what happened. The coming weeks and months will be difficult and at the moment you are not only dealing with coming to terms with what he has done but also you will grieve for the relationship you thought you had. But that will pass. For now, focus on getting yourself out of the situation you are in as soon as is safe and practical.

@Summerfun54321

For those saying this is a first offence and maybe he made a mistake. She actually clawed at his face to make him stop. I haven’t been with a single man who I imagine would do anything nearly this bad. This is really dark. I couldn’t be intimate with my DH ever again if he did this to me. Sorry this happened to you OP

Absolutely this. Reading your first post OP made my heart race just imagining how terrified you were having to to claw and pinch him to make him stop.

Had it been him touching you over your clothes and you telling him to get off it may have been salvageable - I still think it shows a huge lack of respect and decency to put your hands on your wife or GF when she’s not 100% up for it, however these things sadly do happen.

However - he pinned you down and penetrated you, while you tried to free yourself and were clearly upset and frantic to make him stop.

That is absolutely unforgivable. It’s sexual assault by the one person you should be able to trust not to hurt or assault you. He doesn’t have any more right to stick his fingers inside you WITHOUT YOUR ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT than anyone else.

I know it’s a big deal to end a relationship, but this wasn’t ‘a moment’. It was a massive betrayal of trust. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Well done for reaching out to MN because you knew you’d hear what you needed to hear, as unpleasant as it may be.

No wonder you feel sick and tearful. I felt sick reading your description of what happened. This prick assaulted you. You deserve better than this. It’s a prosecutable offence and the police would certainly take it seriously. It’s up to you what you do next but please don’t try to downplay this to yourself. You are worthy of being able to have firm boundaries and not having to put them aside to keep your life on an even keel. He is abusive and you do not have to put up with that. You can build a better life without him, I promise.

It doesn't matter that you have a house and 4 children you need to leave him he's a monster do it for your children if not for yourself. Good knows what else he is capable of. I honestly felt sick after reading that

Get rid of this creepy weirdo.

kuachi it is rape. No matter what he used to rape OP, he’s still a rapist. Needs eradicated from society. Fuckin sick of filth like this existing, it should be rotting in jail, at best.

So unsurprisingly I’m struggling to sleep

I totally agree about your posts EarthSight I so so appreciate the time and effort you put into writing them and I have read them over and over

I’ve read all of these messages over again, the horror some of you have expressed is making me realise I have possibly underreacted if anything, and quite a few of you have said things I was trying to say much better than I did, it’s really helping me see the situation more clearly
As a few of you have questioned I don’t even know what I would do if one of my daughters said this has happened to them I would be horrified - and do you know the irony, ‘D’P (for lack of an alternative way to refer to him) would lose his mind, he’d probably break the guys legs!

Closetbeanmuncher what is boiling frog territory?

Oh and I’ve lost who suggested it but I did watch the Tea video and loved it, couldn’t put it any clearer than that really could you - I don’t know when my lines got so blurred

If he thinks it OK and he's done nothing wrong, then he would be happy to confirm what happened to the police, right? And he'd be happy to swear to an affidavit with a lawyer, yes?

But he wouldn't, would he, because he knows it's assault and so do you? And I'm so sorry because you're in a vulnerable position. But the more vulnerable position is living with a rapist. That's terrifying. Please make steps to leave.

Not only did he violate and sexually assault you he used his strength to hold you down knowing full well you were saying no and trying to get away. It was definitely a power and control situation.

It must be awkward and uncomfortable for you now to read everyones replies stating that. But that's what happened and it's wrong and you'll have to decide what to do next.

How are you going to feel when it happens again if you decide to stay.

You need to sit down with him and discuss the fact it was sexual assault. Write down what you want to say so he can't try and justify his actions just because you've been together for so long.

I am so sorry this happened to you. I am sorry that this happens at all. I really hate that for all women in these situations, we/they… (I will say we, because I am a woman too.) end up questioning themselves and their own experience of what actually happened. You keep reiterating that he is a good partner. Is he really, or is this something you are told by him and part of the narrative between the two of you to keep the relationship together? Does he really take an active role in childcare, housework, homework, pet care, shopping, cooking, etc? Does he care about you as a person and your wholistic welfare? (Mental, physical, financial health and well-being?) - or… Are you simply there to facilitate his needs? Does he know who you are? You have said that this “playfighting” thing has escalated. Where has that come from and why? (Porn would be my guess.) You are not a series of holes purpose-built to turn him on and facilitate his fantasy needs. That is not flattering. It’s humiliating and degrading. You are a person with a memory and a working mind. Please don’t give him the power to make you question your version of events. He hasn’t forgotten what happened. He just doesn’t want to admit that he is “One of THOSE” men. No man wants to be a bad guy, but he is.

So sorry this happened OP. I found it a shocking and uncomfortable read- I really felt for you. You said no. Repeatedly. He knows you don't enjoy even the 'play' aspect of this. He still forced himself upon you and assaulted you. It's horrible. How can you trust him? Unbelievable that he accuses you of overreacting, thoroughly disgusting.

Boiling frog is used to describe a behaviour that subtly worsens; so subtly that you don't realise.
If you try to put a frog in a pan of boiling water it will jump away (though I've never tried it!) but if you put it in a pan of nice tepid water and very gradually increase the heat, it will stay there and get boiled alive.

I have come back to this to get you to really think about this… You are going to wonder when he’s going to try this again. It will always be lurking there simmering away, no matter how he behaves, no matter what he says about it. He has shown you that he IS capable of doing this and he IS capable of lying about it - because he KNOWS exactly how you feel about it, but he doesn’t care. How long can you imagine yourself living with that hanging over you?

@MrsTerryPratchett

If he thinks it OK and he's done nothing wrong, then he would be happy to confirm what happened to the police, right? And he'd be happy to swear to an affidavit with a lawyer, yes?

But he wouldn't, would he, because he knows it's assault and so do you? And I'm so sorry because you're in a vulnerable position. But the more vulnerable position is living with a rapist. That's terrifying. Please make steps to leave.

@MrsTerryPratchett This.

People who've really done wrong will often minimise what they've done......yet wouldn't dream of telling their aquaintances because they know it would cause alarm. They can get very angry when the word gets out as it tarnished their often carefully created reputation of being a nice, reasonable guy.

Of course, many things can be taken out of context to make someone look bad......but it's a bit difficult to make someone look bad in this scenario isn't it. It speaks for itself.

If you can, don't sleep with him again and lock the door at night if you have one. Tell your relatives or close friends. Don't listen to anyone who tries to minimise this as people have a tendency to do that when they're shocked and just can't take in bad information about someone they know.

His entitlement and disrespect of your body tells me that you don't really know the man you are living with.

This is NOT in isolation.

This is not an aberration.

This is a man who regularly sexually assaults a woman.

This is the type of man that might opportunistically rape a woman.

He thinks it's his right.
He knows well that he is doing wrong.
But he doesn't care.

I understand you are overwhelmed with the responses which have confirmed your gut feelings.

He's a very bad man and there is NO getting away from that.

I wouldn't want him near a female child, and that is being honest.

You had to claw and fight him off, such was his insistence that he gets his way.

Imagine a man like that touching a little girl.
This is not a leap.
He has zero respect for bodily autonomy in and adult female, why would he have with a child.

I know you need to allow this to percolate so that you can fully accept what has been going on.

Speaking to Women's Aid would be a good start.
Talking to friends too.
Speak to family if supportive but not if your family are the sort that will minimise and tell you suck it up.

But reach out for support.
I feel so sorry for you.

Keep posting.

Sorry I didn't elaborate OP,

boiling frog (syndrome) when used to describe the dynamic of a relationship refers to a very subtle escalation of negative behaviour over time, the concept being that by the time you realise its too late.

Honestly, I just sense something very off in the way he treats you.

I'm not going to ram the LTB narrative down your throat but I think you should stick close to good, level headed people in real life and confide in them so you have a 'reference point' for his behaviour, as it were.

It's good that you've confided in us all 💐