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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What on earth do I bloody do? 😢😢😢😢

316 replies

Moanyponey · 20/09/2021 18:18

Was at at meeting out of town today, went for lunch in a wine bar with a girl friend and whilst there saw my father in law with another woman. We were on the balcony looking down and father - in-law was below us defiantly lovey-dovey 'arms around her' with another woman😬.. He was supposed to be in a meeting in another town. Feeling so sick 😢

OP posts:
FinallyFluid · 21/09/2021 00:15

Oh God, good luck.

SealHouse · 21/09/2021 00:21

If it were me I'd say nothing to anyone, not even DH. What good can come of it? I would completely forget I saw it and treat FIL as I have always done. Perhaps easier said than done, but this is absolutely none of your business. The responses on this thread are very strange. Suggestions to let your FIL know you saw him and give him some kind of ultimatum - surely that’s blackmail? Suggestions that you are somehow 'compicit' in the deception if you don’t spill the beans - ridiculous, it’s nothing to do with you. I can never understand why some people feel they have the right to insert themselves as some kind of moral arbiter into other people's private lives... unless of course you're the kind of person who loves drama and being at the centre of it or someone who views other people's lives as a soap opera to be played out for your entertainment. No good can come of it for you (or your husband, if you choose to tell him) in inserting yourself into another marriage in this way. It’s all a bit Jeremy Kyle. Your MIL won’t thank you in the long run if this ends her relationship, she’ll just always associate you with the end of her marriage, rightly or wrongly. She may already know, or she may find out in her own way in due course. And if that happens be there to support her. But I really would put this out of my mind, for all your sakes. The alternative could be devastating for all involved.

simitra · 21/09/2021 00:58

Personally I would do my "head down and mouth shut" act. Let them work it out for themselves. This isnt going to end well no matter how you spin it.

Mamanyt · 21/09/2021 01:19

You have two choices. Either tell your DH, and SOON (within the next day or three) and let him deal with it, or keep your mouth shut FOREVER. If you aren't sure you can do the second, especially while visiting with the in laws, then do the first. But soon. The longer you wait, the more upset that DH will be over you keeping it a secret.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/09/2021 01:25

I would have gone down there with a big smile on my face and said hi Moans FIL who is your friend and then started chatting. That would have given me a good excuse to say you bumped into him in town to his wife.

NCBlossom · 21/09/2021 01:28

Personally I find it very strange and unhealthy to continue other people’s secrets, and enable the lie. Lie’s are usually propped up by other people. Very few people are so discreet that no-one notices.

And then the person who has been lied to, also then has that horrible feeling that others may well have known, but she didn’t. It doesn’t get much more humiliating than that.

Have no doubt, cheating is about power. The power to do what you like, and not give the other person the choice to do the same or leave. Often, it can be part of other emotional abuse that is going on, manipulation, and other lies such as over money. The sooner it is exposed - then the sooner that the power they have is diminished. Remembering that MIL has probably been worrying about her own sanity for years, being gas lit, ‘is he really at the meeting?’ She might think. Of course he must be, I’ve just become too untrusting… she is not in a good place. Whatever it might seem on the outside. No one who is being cheated on and still doesn’t know it, is in a good place in the relationship.

Tell her, either through your DH or direct, but tell her. Tell her respectfully. And she will know that someone respects her, someone cares about her. What she does with that information is up to her.

QueenBee52 · 21/09/2021 01:59

@Moanyponey

No I didn't get a picture.. I was just so shocked! I am still shaking!

you never took the opportunity to take a photo of this very public deceit.... and betrayal ...

interesting 🤔

QueenBee52 · 21/09/2021 02:02

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

I have been in your MIL's shoes. It came out, it also came out that family members knew as well. I no longer speak to them or anyone who knew, I don't feel like I can trust them and I don't want them in my life.

no wonder .. I don't blame you either.,, Im sorry this happened to you ... 🌸

Plumtree391 · 21/09/2021 02:05

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Oh fuck I’ll get shot down for this But I’d sleep on it and do nothing for a while (A) the messenger gets shot (B) maybe your MIL knows (C) it’s likely to devastate two people you know and care about

Others will disagree

But why should his cheating mess up your life and relationships
So for now I’d store it away

And you might decide to disclose later down the line

I agree. Things are sometimes not what they appear to be.

In the op's place I would speak to father-in-law so he would know that I know, and ask for an explanation.

QueenBee52 · 21/09/2021 02:11

Yip ... without video/photo evidence I agree .. there's no point in saying anything.., he will call you a liar.. you imagined it.. your making it up.. adding fake details ..

you would be ostracised ...

don't do it... but quietly.. I'd bloomin make sure he knew you knew 😠

1forAll74 · 21/09/2021 02:16

I think I would just tell your Husband, as now it's on your mind, and you are shocked, so will be hard to keep this to yourself. Let your Husband decide what to do, if anything !

lemmein · 21/09/2021 02:38

I wouldn't tell anybody - I'd try to put it out of my mind. I wouldn't want to know either if I was the MIL. It's different if she finds out herself but someone else telling her forces her hand into acting on the info, when she might not want to.

When I was a teen I seen my best friends dad with another woman - he saw me too. The next day my friend told me her dad was having an affair; he told her after he seen me. Apparently her mum already knew 🤷🏻‍♀️ They're still together now 30 years later.

MsDogLady · 21/09/2021 02:49

I’m glad that your friend also witnessed that appalling scene and will back you up.

I would absolutely want to know that my H was cheating and breaking our reconciliation agreement. I would deserve to know that my health was at risk, and that H was publicly and privately making a mockery of me.

I would expect my loved ones to tell me. I would never choose to stay in the dark, robbed of my agency, choices and consent.

QueenBee52 · 21/09/2021 02:55

@MsDogLady

I’m glad that your friend also witnessed that appalling scene and will back you up.

I would absolutely want to know that my H was cheating and breaking our reconciliation agreement. I would deserve to know that my health was at risk, and that H was publicly and privately making a mockery of me.

I would expect my loved ones to tell me. I would never choose to stay in the dark, robbed of my agency, choices and consent.

and would you believe it... honestly believe it whilst your DH swore blind it's being misrepresented and its a lie.. its hard without a photo etc ?

Porridgealert · 21/09/2021 04:24

I wouldn't say anything to anyone. 🤐 Ever heard of shooting the messenger? No one will ever feel gratitude towards you, I promise you that.
But if you were to tell your MIL, don't do it on holiday as some people suggest. She's then stuck away from home, no privacy, no friends for support, sharing a room with her faithless husband... What a horrendous situation you'd be putting her in. I just can't think of a more cruel thing to do.

Frannibananni · 21/09/2021 04:46

@LowlandLucky

Go on holiday and pretend all is well. Tell nobody.
I think I would do this.
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/09/2021 05:05

I expect this advice is much too late, unless you had a change of mind - but no, I wouldn't tell my husband.
I'd go straight to MIL.
She might already know - she might not have wanted her son to know.
She might be able to throw light on who the woman is.
She might be devastated but still not want your DH to know.

I don't think he has any need to know unless your MIL chooses to tell him - so I wouldn't involve him at this stage.

Molly333 · 21/09/2021 06:10

My dad had affairs over many years and my mum was always last to know which made it worse . She wanted to know so she could plan

CantStartaFireWithoutaSpark · 21/09/2021 06:55

Something similar happened me with my Aunts (and Godmother’s) husband.
He saw me.
I was about 22, very young and like you shaking. I hate him to this day.
I told my mum. It wasn’t my place to tell my aunt. I suspect she knows.
In your case, do not carry this burden alone, tell your DH.

starrynight21 · 21/09/2021 07:01

I wouldn't do anything. Sometimes it can backfire and the messenger gets shot.

diddl · 21/09/2021 07:01

If he has already cheated she stayed, would this time be any different I wonder?

I understand people saying to tell husband as it's his mum, but if she stays, how will he feel about them both?

Wouldn't it be best to just tell MIL?

PointlessLife11 · 21/09/2021 07:19

I would tell DH and let him decide as his parents but I would withdraw from the FIL very quickly and let him know I knew.

SunshineCake · 21/09/2021 07:20

Your poor MIL.

Labracadabradoodle · 21/09/2021 07:32

How do you know it was some clandestine meeting?

gannett · 21/09/2021 08:31

Ignore the ridiculous game-playing suggestions here, some posters are obviously bored and like to imagine real life is a soap opera.

I'd tell DP because it'd be weighing too much on my mind to keep it secret from him. Just tell him what I saw, no fuss and no speculation. Then we'd talk about what to do, which would depend on all sorts of factors - his/my relationship with PILs, how likely it is that she'd want to know etc.

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