What on earth do I bloody do? 😢😢😢😢

[Moanyponey]

Was at at meeting out of town today, went for lunch in a wine bar with a girl friend and whilst there saw my father in law with another woman. We were on the balcony looking down and father - in-law was below us defiantly lovey-dovey 'arms around her' with another woman😬.. He was supposed to be in a meeting in another town. Feeling so sick 😢

I would keep this from the family. The wife may know and keep a blind eye. What are you expecting to achieve with this? It is a very delicate issue and you do not what is going on.

What would you want dh to do if the other way around? So sorry op.

@ABCDEF1234

I cannot believe the amount of people saying you shouldn't tell husbamd at the very least. I would tell husband then together tell MIL

That's what I'd do. Good luck OP, we are all rooting for you despite all the different advice and different ways this scenario could go.

I agree with the people who say don't do an anonymous note, even though I was one of the people who mentioned it as an option. Too difficult for MIL. Better to have you on hand.

Honestly tell her. I’d say please tell her.

Her life is a lie. If she already knows, fair enough. If she doesn’t, she needs to know. I’d go as far as to say she’s being emotionally abused because I believe cheating is a form of abuse to the partner.

I was cheated on and you will find most people who have been cheated on, will say they wanted to know. If someone had told me I’d have trusted them for the rest of my life. If she’s lovely, like you say, she would never turn against you.

It will give her the chance to regain power. And choices. She really deserves that.

Would i want to know? No, absolutely not. I did once find out a bf had been unfaithful, years later, and was so glad I hadn't known at the time.

I'd keep my mouth shut and pretend I hadn't seen anything. It's none of your business

OP I was in the uncomfortable position for years of knowing about my father's affair. He even brought her to my house once. I said nothing to his wife (not my mother) or to him. I look back on it now and wish I had confronted him

I would tell your DH that you saw your FIL with someone else, and that it looked quite cosy. He could then have a chat with your FIL.

I don't think I could carry on as if nothing had happened.

I remember years ago I saw my BIL in a restaurant with another woman whilst I was out with office colleagues. he didn't even live in our town anymore so thought it strange that he hadn't let DH know he was around. I told DH that I had seen him and did he know he was in town. DH contacted him and supposedly there was an innocent reason, although BIL later had an affair, so who knows!

I too would say nothing…sorry

I'm amazed of the amount of people that would keep something this huge from their husbands or partners

@LST

I'm amazed of the amount of people that would keep something this huge from their husbands or partners

Why? It's explosive and devastating and you can't know their reaction until it's done and irreversible.

@PermanentTemporary

I find it equally incredible that so many people feel they must wade in to other people's lives.

so do I. I can't see how telling the DH would do anything other than cause him stress. He has no power in this situation. And suggesting they go together to the mother - how humiliating that could be for her. I honestly think the only person to talk to is the FiL himself, if anyone.

The way I would try and look at it is - if your husband saw this with your Dad would you want him to tell you? Also, if you were in MIL's position - would you want to be told?

Personally for me, it's a yes for both so I'd be telling your husband and then see what he wants to do.

I have been in your MIL's shoes. It came out, it also came out that family members knew as well. I no longer speak to them or anyone who knew, I don't feel like I can trust them and I don't want them in my life.

Something makes me think that different generations have different attitudes. Remember, your MIL has forgiven him once for an affair - and hasn't been eaten up with bitterness, subsequently. The shame of having people know your business, and someone younger knowing that their own marriage is better and truer than your own, might be more devastating than understanding that your husband is......what?

It's not like you overheard him saying he would leave his wife

Or its the case that he has missed a family anniversary celebration to be with his bit on the side

You don't know how involved he is with the woman.

Your PIL might not be what they seem. She might put up with what she sees as a dalliance; or maybe, being crude, your FIL can't get it up, so she knows there won't be actual sex.

MIL might have a good, breezy, cheery front, but be shrewd and harder underneath, and want the life she has with her husband, and the respect of having been married and pillars of the community for years, with or without playing away which she thinks isn't important to him.

You could tell your husband, but be aware of what you don't know as well as what you do. Let him form his own opinion without ramming down his throat that his dad must be cheating and, in the process, making pillock's of his mum and everyone really, because you are all less easy in the heart than you were before.

💐

@bellsbuss

I lost a close friend by telling her that her husband was having an affair. I would never tell anyone again , your MIL might forgive him and stay with him and your relationship with her would probably never be the same.

Well then she wasn't a true friend, she friend worth having.

You shouldn't base your honesty & decency on her response; not everyone would be like her. It's actually unfair on people to assume they'd be like her.

@PermanentTemporary

Would i want to know? No, absolutely not. I did once find out a bf had been unfaithful, years later, and was so glad I hadn't known at the time.

There are a hundred reasons why this might not be the case for others.

Oh abd you should always want to know ac the time, do you can stop shagging them before they pass on a nasty std!

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

I have been in your MIL's shoes. It came out, it also came out that family members knew as well. I no longer speak to them or anyone who knew, I don't feel like I can trust them and I don't want them in my life.

I'd feel like this. I couldn't let someone to continue to live a lie

@DrSbaitso because it's aiding someone's horrible lie. And I just couldn't live with myself or look at my dp or mil knowing what I know.

Personally I’d advise against telling your MIL directly. At the end if the day you are the DIL, and are more likely to get the blame for breaking the marriage up, not the FIL. Just drop into conversation with your DH that you saw your FIL with another woman, and leave him to decide what further action, if any to take. Your DH should know his parents better than you after all.
Financially you could screw your MIL over as well as if FIL is pre warned he has the time to squirrel away assets etc if he’s that way inclined, especially if MIL was a SAHM with poor pension provision as a result.

Tell your DH. Let him deal with it if he wants to. Sometimes its best to do nothing.

Yes if course it might not be the case for others. Or it might be. You don't know.

I wouldn’t do or say anything it may just fizzle out, you don’t know the state of their marriage.

I would absolutely tell my DH if I saw what you did. There is no way I could conceal it from him. I'd feel I was 'lying by omission'. They are his parents it's his right to decide what to do and how to do it.

But if he decided to do nothing, I'd let him know I was disappointed in him.