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Original poster

What on earth do I bloody do? 😢😢😢😢

316 replies

Moanyponey · 20/09/2021 18:18

Was at at meeting out of town today, went for lunch in a wine bar with a girl friend and whilst there saw my father in law with another woman. We were on the balcony looking down and father - in-law was below us defiantly lovey-dovey 'arms around her' with another woman😬.. He was supposed to be in a meeting in another town. Feeling so sick 😢

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 21/09/2021 08:33

Something makes me think that different generations have different attitudes.

MIL might have a good, breezy, cheery front, but be shrewd and harder underneath, and want the life she has with her husband, and the respect of having been married and pillars of the community for years, with or without playing away which she thinks isn't important to him.

This is so true. I’m around MiL’s age. Sexual exclusivity isn’t a deal breaker for me and I know it isn’t for most of my friends. After decades of marriage very few people have any desire to end up alone and substantially worse off financially. For all anyone knows she could have been turning a blind eye for a long time. How awful to have her nose rubbed in something she’s content to ignore.

Ashitaka · 21/09/2021 08:40

@Blossomtoes

Something makes me think that different generations have different attitudes.

MIL might have a good, breezy, cheery front, but be shrewd and harder underneath, and want the life she has with her husband, and the respect of having been married and pillars of the community for years, with or without playing away which she thinks isn't important to him.

This is so true. I’m around MiL’s age. Sexual exclusivity isn’t a deal breaker for me and I know it isn’t for most of my friends. After decades of marriage very few people have any desire to end up alone and substantially worse off financially. For all anyone knows she could have been turning a blind eye for a long time. How awful to have her nose rubbed in something she’s content to ignore.

Wow.

So on the vague off chance that mil is ok with fil snagging some bit on the side, you think keep your nose out?

It's more likely that there is no such agreement and fil could bring home an std or if she's young enough a child!!

For fucks sake, mil deserves to know. Op just needs to work out how she is told.

Mil may not want to hear that her ds knows, she might prefer to be told by him. Only op can work this out

Blossomtoes · 21/09/2021 08:44

It's more likely that there is no such agreement and fil could bring home an std or if she's young enough a child!!

That scenario is actually less likely. It’s entirely possible that sex no longer features in their marriage. You don’t know many women in their late 60s or 70s, do you?

SuperStarRose · 21/09/2021 09:11

I'd either say nothing or mention it to DH. You have your friend to back you up so no one will be able to shoot the messenger as it were.

DrSbaitso · 21/09/2021 09:25

So on the vague off chance that mil is ok with fil snagging some bit on the side, you think keep your nose out?

It's just as vague a chance that she would want to know. Some people don't. Several people on the thread have said that they were ostracised for telling. Blossomtoes said she herself wouldn't want to be told. You can't dismiss that as "vague chance" just because it isn't how you feel. How many people stay with cheaters? A lot. Including some very rich, famous and beautiful women.

It's a risk. You can never know whether you should have told until after you have. That's why my advice on this is generally not to, unless you know the person very very well and are sure they would want to be told, and will be there for them to support them.

Ashitaka · 21/09/2021 09:46

@Blossomtoes

It's more likely that there is no such agreement and fil could bring home an std or if she's young enough a child!!

That scenario is actually less likely. It’s entirely possible that sex no longer features in their marriage. You don’t know many women in their late 60s or 70s, do you?

well yeah I do... my DM is in her 80s and while I would rather not hear about it, she does love to tell me details.
Blossomtoes · 21/09/2021 09:52

One woman in her 80s isn’t what we’re talking about, is it?

MrsMcNtobe · 21/09/2021 14:49

Any update OP?

Original poster
Moanyponey · 21/09/2021 15:09

Hi Sad at the end I couldn't say anything! I know what I saw.. It was definitely my father in law (same clothes he always wore etc and they were kissing etc).. My husband and mother in law would have been devisated Sad.. I wish I never saw what I saw.. Feeling so crap! Sad

OP posts:
CrumpetsForAll · 21/09/2021 15:12

Just say (in front of MIL) you and a friend saw him as you left- must have been with a client or client’s PA, looked like he was having a great time. If she suspects she’ll dig and if she knows she’ll turn a blind eye and save face.

Porridgealert · 21/09/2021 15:17

Yeah, I think you're quite right to say nothing. And definitely don't ever bring things up as casual comments in front of your MIL or have it all out with your ILs on holiday. I just wonder what people are thinking when they make these suggestions.

djt87 · 21/09/2021 15:19

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Oh fuck I’ll get shot down for this But I’d sleep on it and do nothing for a while (A) the messenger gets shot (B) maybe your MIL knows (C) it’s likely to devastate two people you know and care about

Others will disagree

But why should his cheating mess up your life and relationships
So for now I’d store it away

And you might decide to disclose later down the line

Agree with this.

Unless I got a picture of it I don't think I'd say anything.

Blossomtoes · 21/09/2021 15:21

@Porridgealert

Yeah, I think you're quite right to say nothing. And definitely don't ever bring things up as casual comments in front of your MIL or have it all out with your ILs on holiday. I just wonder what people are thinking when they make these suggestions.
They’re drama queens. I completely agree with you.
Rainbowheart1 · 21/09/2021 15:22

That’s that then. You’ve made your choice, accepted your decision, so now move on, forget it ever happened, it’s done.

Word of warning, if in far future, he ever gets caught NEVER mention it, even to DH what you saw as they will think you knew all this time. If it all comes out, stick with the decision you made.

CrumpetsForAll · 21/09/2021 15:23

@Rainbowheart1 where does that leave her if MIL accuses him of an affair which he denies and he tells everyone shes crazy?

Rainbowheart1 · 21/09/2021 15:29

Why would he call her crazy if she never mentions it?

CrumpetsForAll · 21/09/2021 15:31

If FIL denied the affair and tells MIL she is crazy, not OP.

OP will be sat there watching a woman being gaslit and not able to pipe up and say ‘actually...’

waybill · 21/09/2021 15:38

Next time you're all together, I would mention the lovely time you had with your friend when you went out together for lunch recently to X place. Then just give him a 'look' from under your eyebrows. Then he'll know that you know, and you won't have to say anything. Make him squirm.

Mumbumnz · 21/09/2021 15:40

Firstly, I really feel for you being in such a difficult situation! In your position, I'd have met it head on by approaching him on the spot and see what he says or does.
Now though, I guess it boils down to two choices. 1- Pretend that you saw nothing, reasoning that it's not your business etc. Or 2- Tell someone, husband, FiL, MiL etc.

I personally wouldn't be able to sit on it, it would bother my conscience too much. If your relationship with your FiL is close where you can raise this with him, then that is probably the best thing to do. Straight to the point, no judgements, just tell him what you saw and ask him what's going on.
You don't know what is going on in their marriage, for all you know, they're both living separated and haven't told you guys yet.

If you approach your FiL first, you'll know by his reaction. Involving your husband before you speak with your FiL could cause a lot of hurt and have you facing angry questions which you can't answer.

QueenBee52 · 21/09/2021 15:43

Did you recognise the woman OP 🌸

Porridgealert · 21/09/2021 15:49

@waybill

Next time you're all together, I would mention the lovely time you had with your friend when you went out together for lunch recently to X place. Then just give him a 'look' from under your eyebrows. Then he'll know that you know, and you won't have to say anything. Make him squirm.
Honestly, in what world do people do this sort of thing, giving a 'look' from under your eyebrows? Bonkers.
Emerarta · 21/09/2021 15:58

Op I urge you to tell your husband - if you don’t it becomes your secret also- your dh will be devastated about his dad but more do that your were complicit in hiding it. Please don’t put your marriage in difficulties because of the selfishness of your fil.

Porridgealert · 21/09/2021 16:04

How will her husband know that she knew? It's not coronation street where all secrets are inevitably discovered!

cookingisoverrated · 21/09/2021 16:15

You should tell your DH.

Firenight · 21/09/2021 16:19

I would say nothing.

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