What on earth do I bloody do? 😢😢😢😢

[Moanyponey]

Was at at meeting out of town today, went for lunch in a wine bar with a girl friend and whilst there saw my father in law with another woman. We were on the balcony looking down and father - in-law was below us defiantly lovey-dovey 'arms around her' with another woman😬.. He was supposed to be in a meeting in another town. Feeling so sick 😢

Just to explain a few things so people don't think I am a uncaring cow who won't tell my mil I have my own problems.. I am undergoing tests for breast cancer! I went out with my freind to take my mind off things (haven't been out since lockdown began) It was my FIL without a doubt. I don't want my oh to have this on his mind knowing he is worrying about me! I am not saying anything now that I have thought about it.. Thank you for all your help but I am not coming back to this thread.

Goodness, what a dilemma, so sorry you're in this position, OP!

If it was me, I would tell my DH what I saw, very matter-of-factly. Otherwise it would eat away at me. Not telling him means you're sitting on a secret between you.

Then you can talk through what to do next (or not). Perhaps your DH already suspects that his dad is seeing people? Perhaps his mum does too and is turning a blind eye?

Either way, it's your FIL's infidelity is likely to come out at some point or another. In the meantime, don't let it be a toxic secret you carry. Tell your DH.

i would say to FIL hi i saw you at wine bar shouted and waved but you didnt hear me, see his face drop.

Oh op, I am so sorry. But are you really going to go on holiday with them knowing what you know, and say nothing to anyone? When it comes out - and it will - how on earth is your OH or your MIL going to deal with fact you knew something and never said?

This must be so hard. I have been in pretty much the same position as you and it was awful. It was my best friend's partner. I thought about what to do for a while and decided to tell her. It was hard, it was difficult, she cried, we both cried but in the end I knew it was the right thing to do. We all have to go through difficult decisions and the thought of hurting someone you love is incredibly painful but I had to tell myself could I be in her company knowing something that I wish if it were the reverse someone would have told me. She was grateful I told her in the end and even though it hurt, I would not take it back today. You're MIL deserves the right to make up her own mind. I would tell your husband because you aren't just keeping it from you're MIL, you are keeping it from him aswell :( I'm sorry as I know it's hard

I wouldn’t get involved

Many years ago I got hit on. By my friends husband. I told her and it wrecked everything

Learnt my lesson quick sharp. The messenger gets shot.

Unfortunately if it does come out in the open and your DH finds out you knew he will be very angry with you. I wouldn’t trust my DH again if he failed to tell me. This isn’t a mates DH isn’t your DH father.

Typos - it’s your DH father

Why not text or whatsap Mil and FIL and tell them what a lovely lunch you had today on the balcony at the Name Winebar, seeing an old friend.

That gives him a clear heads up, you know, plus chance to stop whatever he's up to, before his wife gets hurt.

You don’t owe us an explanation @Moanyponey

@Moanyponey

I think you’ve made the right decision OP. Now that you’ve decided to say nothing, stick to it and put what you’ve seen completely out of your mind. It can be done. You’ve enough on your plate as it is. None of this is your fault and it is not your responsibility to try to put right whatever wrong your FIL may be doing to your MIL. You don't owe anyone on here an explanation. If at some point in the future your MIL confides in you, just be there to support her (no need to tell her anything about this). I’m sorry to hear that you are having health problems and I wish you all the best with your tests.

OP I totally understand you might want to wait til you have your tests back and know where you stand but you shouldn't have to carry this yourself and what if it comes out somehow that you saw it and didn't tell your husband about it? If it was my DH keeping they from me, I'm not sure I could forgive him (though I could understand a delay due to the moral quandary)

how on earth is your OH or your MIL going to deal with fact you knew something and never said?

How will they ever know?

@Porridgealert What gives you the right to call my comments bonkers? I don't see you coming up with any ideas to help the OP.

This is really hard for you OP, I'm sorry.

But honestly if I found out my husband had seen my Dad cheating on my mother and said nothing I honestly don't think I'd ever forgive him.

[quote waybill]@Porridgealert What gives you the right to call my comments bonkers? I don't see you coming up with any ideas to help the OP.[/quote]
I advised her not to say anything. And that's ultimately what she's decided to do.

I said your comment was bonkers because it is. Setting up a scenario with certain people present, casually mentioning something, whilst shooting looks under your eyebrows. I doubt the op is Meryl Streep to pull all that off. And do you not think the op's DH and MIL might not notice such looks and then start asking questions? It's like you're writing some sort of lurid novel. No one in real life would ever do that. So actually I'm going to double down and add to bonkers, ridiculous and ludicrous.

What LaLaJ said; I don't think I would ever be able to forgive my husband if he said nothing.

On the flip side if this all suddenly came to light op I doubt your Dh would appreciate you keeping this from him.

I know I defiently wouldnt. No one likes secrecy in relationships

*Wait or create a chance to get FiL alone, give him a deadline that you will be telling DH in seven days and suggest FiL tells first.
*
What gives somebody the right to give this man an ultimatum? I'd forget you saw it or, if you just, tell your husband and leave it to him.

@waybill

Next time you're all together, I would mention the lovely time you had with your friend when you went out together for lunch recently to X place. Then just give him a 'look' from under your eyebrows. Then he'll know that you know, and you won't have to say anything. Make him squirm.

What would the point of this be?

Tell or don't tell, but coded looks and secret messages via Groucho Marx eyebrows are just ridiculous.

I've been cheated on. I know how crushing it is. On one occasion my friend told me. I was so grateful she told me I can't remember how many times I thanked her. It took courage and loyalty to do that rather than basically be complicit in making me look like a cunt by covering my ex.

If I found out a family member knew and didn't tell me I don't think I'd ever forgive them.

People are always quick to say the messenger gets shot. Only if the person doing the shooting is either a bit of a twat or is happy to be cheated on and lied to.

It also creates a distance between the people ‘who know’ and you. So OP you are already uncomfortable. It is about to negatively effect your relationship with your MIL. She will sense you are not quite comfortable and internalise it and think it’s her fault.

That’s what I did. There were several acquantiances and ‘friends’ who knew that my Ex was cheating or being inappropriately friendly with them. All that time I just thought they didn’t like me so much, as every time I went out they just avoided me, or gave me looks that made me feel like I was missing something. It makes you crazy!

I was pregnant at the time, and if just one of those people had said ‘look I know this is going to sound weird but your DH was really flirting with me/asked me out/asked my friend out’ - then I tell you a lot of things would have fallen into place and I could have made critical decisions at a much earlier time. Also my self esteem would be better. As it was I spent a lot of time with these people, desperately trying to be more friendly, when they were not, as I now realise, my support people and were all going to fall away (or even side with my Ex) when it all came out.

It's been taken away from my hands now and it has all happened so quick! 😢mum in law now knows.. Apparently the woman's husband has told her... mother in law is devisated.. My husband has gone to her house. I hope to god my friend that I was with has had nothing to do with it.. Its happened so quickly after I saw them together .. I don't know how the OW husband found out.. I hope I don't get dragged into it😢

God! I wish I hadn't gone out that night 😢

Oh no! Just remember he's put everyone in this situation.

You've done nothing wrong and if it is linked to your friend at least it's happened so quickly that you can very fairly say (if you need to) that you hadn't decided what to do and didn't want to hurt anyone.