Husband leaving me and I feel relieved

[Laurapb88]

So my husband has spent since Thursday giving me the silent treatment being extremely nasty when he has spoken and decided that today is the day hes leaving me there is no marriage so save blah this all started because I was in to much pain and too tired to make his tea we have a 1 and a half year old who is very active and literally never stops until he goes to bed and I have severe osteoarthritis in my knee which is causing me serious pain at the minute so our house is definitely not any where near as clean as it should be, when I ask him for a little help even just moving his own stuff all i get is he works all week anyway I feel really really sad for our little boy who is now losing his family and essentially his daddy for a little while until he gets sorted but I'm actually relieved it's over like i feel my life will now get better is this awful?

[Laurapb88]

So today I'm thinking about starting divorce proceedings and have been looking up un reasonable behaviour and have a lot of examples that were present in our marriage now I know he is suddenly feeling sorry for him self with money/work and what ever else so my question is when do I bring it up? I will need his address so I can get the ball rolling I had more or less already started when he left when I was pregnant but when he realised i meant it he came running back and begging to try again I want to avoid this happening again so any suggestions? Thanks in advance

[RandomMess]

I would just start divorce proceedings.

You can have mediation to discuss finances and child arrangements although this isn't recommended if abuse of any kind has occurred.

There is a thread somewhere about what information to collect etc before see a solicitor. Try and get a recommendation or two and see if you can get a free initial appointment.

Starting point for split of assets is 50:50.

Ensure you put in a claim for maintenance via CMS as they don't back date it plus claim your single person council tax discount. Are you eligible for UC?

[QueenBee52]

@RandomMess

I would just start divorce proceedings.

You can have mediation to discuss finances and child arrangements although this isn't recommended if abuse of any kind has occurred.

There is a thread somewhere about what information to collect etc before see a solicitor. Try and get a recommendation or two and see if you can get a free initial appointment.

Starting point for split of assets is 50:50.

Ensure you put in a claim for maintenance via CMS as they don't back date it plus claim your single person council tax discount. Are you eligible for UC?

Agree ... start the Divorce asap 🌸

[Laurapb88]

Thanks guys I haven't got round to it yet I've decided to move the bedrooms around and re decorate them but I will get around to it I've made a claim for universal credit so I'm all good, I've asked my ex a number of times to go through my mum and dad because he just can't seem to stop being nasty to me I've tried to explain that hurting me is hurting our son because he knows when I'm hurt and upset but he won't go through them or stop being nasty he text last night saying he will be late on Saturday and has no idea when hes coming i have ignored it because I just dont want the constant arguments and I'm mad that he has been so flaky with regards to our son this last 3 weeks I'm finding it difficult to keep my temper this time he has the valid excuse as its work but he isn't sticking to any arrangement and brought him home Sunday wet through because he hadn't changed his nappy and hadn't given him any dinner so that led to another argument lol I will get round to the divorce and try get a free consultation with a solicitor

[Fluffycloudland77]

We had dhs ex arrested when she wouldn’t stop sending abusive text messages, she was cautioned for assault.

No one has to put up with that behaviour.

[Laurapb88]

That's the thing hes mainly doing it when we have to see each other face to face I mean I have texts where were talking about what he keeps doing and he said he is doing it to ease his pain and he has to be like this for his self I mean that doesn't make any sense to me I've done nothing to make his pain any worse I've bent over backwards to make sure he has access to his son I will say I've lost my temper a couple of times because of his behaviour but ive done absolutely nothing to make him feel any worse than he has to me

[Fluffycloudland77]

At the very least the police would go and see him and tell him to knock it off or next time you’ll press charges.

When we had his ex arrested she swore blind she wasn’t living with the OM at his house so we had her arrested at work in front of everyone.

[Laurapb88]

Its definitely worth thinking about thank you in all honesty if we didn't share a son I would block him completely but I'll never be the mum who stops my child seeing their dad just because he isn't nice to me

[Amdone123]

@Laurapb88, hang on in there. It will get easier. I got the impression from one of your previous posts that you were thinking it's easier to get back for the sake of your son and because of the stress of these arguments. Obviously what you do is entirely up to you, but I would take one day at a time. A pp is correct - you don't have to put up with his verbal abuse. No one does. If your parents are willing to mediate - handovers, etc, let them do it. Balls to what he wants. If he can't be civil to you, he doesn't get to deal with you.
It will get better and there is a better life out there for you. It's just this bit that's horrible. This time next year, it will all be different - sooner, even.
You're doing a great job and your son is lucky to have you.
Keep posting. You will get lots of advice here, lots of good advice that will see you through this time in your life.

[Laurapb88]

We didn't actually argue much when we were together and I think even a week ago I would have considered giving it another go but no now, he is definitely putting all his misery on me and some how thinks this is all my fault, they are more than happy to do it so I'm going to have to put my foot down and make it happen, thank you for your lovely words I am doing my best for our son and its actually easier now yes I'm doing it on my own but I always was just with a man child in the same room that never looked up from his phone hahah

[Amdone123]

@Laurapb88, some people are like that aren't they. Everything is somebody else's fault. They have no ability to reflect or accept their wrongdoings.

[Laurapb88]

He is definitely like that always has been I just wish I could stop all the conflicts and make him see our son and give him a better routine I suppose that will come in time

[billy1966]

I agree with reporting him for verbal abuse.

You shouldn't have to put up with it.

You would be amazed how little worms of men stop short when they are reported to the police.

Your son is so lucky to have you.

Keep good notes of his poor care of your son.

[Laurapb88]

Well I'm giving it one last shot to make things civil if this doesn't work then I'm probably going to have to go to the police, he must think that if hes civil with me I will be begging in to come back he doesnt realise that ship has long sailed, and thank you every thing I do is for him and he keeps me going, I have all of the issues regards to his care in text because if it continues I will most definitely fight for supervised access only

[bigbaggyeyes]

I'd block him on all media with the exception of one email address specifically for him

Outline this to him and then spell out when and where he can see your dc. If he doesn't arrive on time go out. When he has the dc go out yourself and don't get home until it's time for him to drop off the dc.

If he's abusive via email log it with the police.

Don't let him in the house, hand over and collection on the door step, simply take the dc and close the door. If he's abusive log it with the police

It's time to go grey rock with him. Don't talk to him, don't engage with him, only discuss the dc but only if it's about the dc.

[Laurapb88]

I have done most of those things the only thing I haven't done is block his number and I wont incase there is an emergency, I think my son is coming down with tonsillitis again so I'm not sure I'll be sending him this weekend he really doesn't like his new house and it will be made worse if hes poorly and it's just not fair on him, he is my priority not his dad or his needs he is on the waiting list for them removing i really hope its not much longer as this will he the 15th time in 18 months, after reading the thread on Munchausen's I wonder if people think I'm doing that to my son but you cant make tonsillitis up and confirmed by a doctor each time lol

[Amdone123]

@Laurapb88, awh poor little man. Hope you get your appointment soon.
Definitely don't send him this weekend. He needs his own bed and his mum. If ex says anything just do as pp said, grey rock and tell him to take you to court but this weekend your decision is in the best interests of your son and final.

[Laurapb88]

We should get the appointment through this month we had to wait until he was 18 months and gained a little weight he has definitely gained weight but he is still on prescription milk 3 times a day because some times that's the only nourishment he gets, I don't think he will mind if he isnt well because he can't cope with him hes very whiny and clingy I take advantage because its rare I get cuddles now haha but then he has turned into someone I cant even recognise at the moment so he may well kick off

[billy1966]

Any kicking off, call the police OP.

YOU do NOT have to accept his abuse.

Play hardball and report him.

You owe him NOTHING.

He cannot be trusted with a sick child when he neither feeds nor nappy changes him, when he has him in his care.

He is utterly neglectful of his son.

Don't pussyfoot about, call it what it is.
Neglect.

[Laurapb88]

That was one of the main reasons I never left because he has never looked after him properly and at least while we were together I had some control over that I'm booking a holiday tonight for next year with my mum and dad so I'm really looking forward to that and taking him he loves water and dancing so he will be in his element and I'm keeping on top of all the house work now much easier when it's just our stuff and not an over grown child as well haha slowly but surely I'm feeling good I can't thank everyone enough for the suppose you have given me ❤

[Amdone123]

@Laurapb88, yay ! That's the spirit! Keep looking forward. It's not ideal at the moment but once you all get settled to the new normal, life can only get better.
The holiday will be here before you know it and in the meantime it's something to look forward to when you're feeling a bit fed up.
You're doing great 👍

[billy1966]

Great update.

Lovely to have a holiday to look forward to and you will have so much to look forward to now that you are no longer carrying that deadweight.

I can well imagine your home is much easier to care for.

An extra lump who never pulls his weight can make some mess.

Keep posting, you are growing more confident with every post.

[Laurapb88]

I am in a much better place than i have been for a long time I need to work on eating a bit more I've lost to much weight and I don't like how skinny I am i haven't been this skinny since I was a teenager plus I can't afford to buy another new wardrobe again less than 16 months since the last Haha things are definitely on the up

[pickingdaisies]

So nice to hear you sounding stronger with every post x

[Laurapb88]

Thank you, so we have an update he picked the baby up at 3.30 he has antibiotics and feeling better so l let him go he brought him back about half an hour ago sobbing swollen red eyes absolutely shattered but hes fast asleep in his own bed now and I've said no more trying to get him to sleep because I'm not putting my baby through this its just not fair, dad is in a serious mood because he won't settle at his house and hes definitely starting to regret what he did but I'm now absolutely certain its the best thing he has ever done for me its time to put our son before his selfish wants and needs I'm glad he is picking him back up in the morning tho because he will he a right moody bum for the next couple of days hes hates his routine being messed with sorry for the long up date I'm just feeling sad for my baby but smug that hes suffering and I'm healing hahah