I want more children, husband has said no

[Rissa1989]

My husband and I have been together 14years, married 8. We have a son who is 6 and I would love to add to our family. Husband has said he will never change his mind.
I'm feeling stuck and don't know how to feel.
I love him and our family but my want for another child is just hurting my heart.

I wish he would change his mind but I can never see that happening.

Do I stay and settle with what I have or do I leave and try to co parent with him as friends as hard as it would be. I just don't want to ever resent him in the future when it's to late. :(

There is no easy answer here. He has said no (though I would ask who is it that is responsible for contraception? Because if he thinks it's your job to put hormones into your body that you don't want when you want another child, when he doesn't, then why isn't he using condoms or getting a vasectomy.... assuming he isn't?). So if you want another child it won't be with him. You need to pick between your son having his family together and staying with your DP, or leaving to have another child. You need to think about how you would do that. Would you do it alone? Would you be wanting to meet someone else and have a child with them (because then you need to think about your age, how long your need to find someone, how long you'd need to be together before you introduced them to your DS and moved them in and when you'd actually have a child with them. All of that would take time, if it happened at all, so if you don't have that time because of your age or because it's too much when you'd be breaking up your sons family and it night not happen anyway.) Only you know if you can stay with your DH knowing you won't ever have another child, or whether it's too important to you and you need to leave.

It's a really hard thing when you disagree on this. But I think you should stay and prioritise the child you have.

Have you discussed why he feels that way? And why you do?

My DH flat out said no to another. When I probed him, I found out he was terrified of DC1 being left out because DC2 gets in the way. Just like he was when small (very dysfunctional relationship with his parents).

I explained that it's our responsibility to ensure our child/ren feel equally loved, but also that he is not his parents and having been treated that way, he's probably best placed to ensure it doesn't happen again.

It didn't take him long to see that.

As an only child with many friends who were born under the China One-Child Policy, I would say it is better to have more than one. It's just unfair for the full responsibility for your parents' hopes, dreams and ultimately for looking after them in old age to be put on one person.

That is what I would say to your DH.

Good luck OP x

Yeah, I agree with CraftMaker that it is preferable to have siblings. Being in a relationship with an only child (and being friends with many), I sometimes feel like they are not so great at discussing things/arguing.

I suspect this stems from not having had a sibling to “practise” arguing with. I know that might sound ridiculous, but if you think of only children’s experiences, it is either adults telling them what to do, adults nurturing them, or friendships where (whilst some arguments may happen) the intimacy and stability of a sibling relationship is not there, so there are far fewer arguments. I do think a lot of only children therefore don’t know how to argue as adults. My boyfriend has learned now (stick to the issue, don’t get personal, don’t lose your temper, stand your ground but try to see the other person’s viewpoint too), but I had to teach him how to do it, cos his first response to conflict was to just shut down. His mum and dad never argued with him, nor did his teachers or wider family. My friend, another only child, gets really cruel in arguments, turning it into a character assassination. So aye, I think missing out on healthy sibling conflict either makes you a pushover or else a bit of a “hothead” in later conflicts.

Having said all that, lol, there are various psychological studies about birth order etc, which say that it becomes irrelevant after a certain age (I think 10 or so, but you’d need to double check), cos the gap is too big. The eldest takes on a semi-caregiver role. So maybe the large gap will result in a totally different sibling dynamic than you anticipate.

One final thought (sorry! I’m very talkative tonight. I should not drink wine and then come on MN!). When my dad died (when I was 16), I really don’t know what I would have done without my older sister. Not that your Future death is a reason to have another child, lol, but I think that siblings are the only people who have always been there, who know your life experiences, your family dynamic - they just GET it.

I guess you need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker for you. Have you subtly tried to find out your existing child’s thoughts on having a sibling? Cos they might not even WANT one!

Anyhoo, good luck!

I would leave and have another child with someone else.

Yeah, I agree with CraftMaker that it is preferable to have siblings. Being in a relationship with an only child (and being friends with many), I sometimes feel like they are not so great at discussing things/arguing.

My friend, another only child, gets really cruel in arguments, turning it into a character assassination. So aye, I think missing out on healthy sibling conflict either makes you a pushover or else a bit of a “hothead” in later conflicts.

What a load of absolute bullocks. I'm an only child, I had a brilliant childhood, I was never lonely, I was definitely taught how to interact with others, and I am not some emotionally stunted hothead who can't relate to other people. What's the excuse for people like this who have loads of siblings? I am sick to death of the absurd only child bullshit constantly peddled on MN.

Op, you either respect your husband's decision or you breakup your family in search of something that may never happen for you. Your choice. For all you know, you may not be able to get pregnant again, even with your husband.

This was us. I put DH in charge of contraceptives because I felt it was cruel to expect me to actively prevent something I really wanted.

I don't consider this move underhand at all.

Anyway... we now have a completed family.

Aquamarine, if you want to prove you can engage in mature discourse, then “what a load of absolute bollocks” is probably not the best opening gambit

My boyfriend has learned now (stick to the issue, don’t get personal, don’t lose your temper, stand your ground but try to see the other person’s viewpoint too), but I had to teach him how to do it, cos his first response to conflict was to just shut down. His mum and dad never argued with him, nor did his teachers or wider family. My friend, another only child, gets really cruel in arguments, turning it into a character assassination.

I (an only child) tried for many years to 'train' my XH (one of three) out of these horrific, abusive behaviours during disagreements. Unsuccessfully. His siblings hate him too because he made their childhood miserable.

I'm on Team Bollocks with this one. It doesn't matter how many siblings you have, children aren't exactly experts in respectful conflict resolution are they? It's the adults in your life who provide good or bad role modelling for that stuff.

“Team Bollocks” I love it!

Tbf I am literally 17 years old, what do I know, really. I am just thinking in terms of my older sister and her support in the bereavement, plus when I was younger, her advice about boys, periods, makeup and stuff, lol. I probably would give a different answer if it was based on just my wee sister, cos she’s a pain in the arse. So I suppose we are all individuals, just cos someone is your sibling doesn’t mean you’re necessarily going to get on.

I do think practicalities like care when the parents are older, emotional support when they die, etc would probably be easier with a sibling, but obviously that’s a terrible reason to have a child!

FWIW your husband sounds like he has a personality disorder and would be abusive no matter what size of family he comes from. Well done on getting away from him, I know it probably wasn’t easy.

As a very hotheaded but generally happy only child I do agree to some extent with @JenPen2004 - but also try not to forget that a huge number of people have only children for reasons that are not just choice. My mum tried to get pregnant for over a decade after having me but it didn't happen. I'm very close to my parents.
A sibling is no guarantee or support with ageing parents.

My best friend is an only child and is lovely. She does have full responsibility of her very old mum though and as she never married nor had children, she worries about her old age.

However, it is a hard call. There was a time when I thought I would probably only have one child (considering I wanted 5) as my relationship broke up and I was mid 30s. I had reconciled myself to the idea but then met my ex and had more children.

Noone can advise you. I probably wouldn't have left someone I loved and had a child with to maybe meet someone else and have more kids.

I would definitely break up with someone if I had no kids and they didn't want any.

Only you can decide that.

I don't know how old you are. But as a single parent and in general for everyone. Finding a nice bloke who likes you too. Spending time see if want long term. He wants a kid too (only one if he has none?). Getting Pg etc.

I mean it's not easy is it.

For me. If you love him and are happy. Then chucking that in with the hope that you meet a man who wants the above. I mean it's a risk. Is that risk worth leaving. All that upset. Existing child not seeing to much of dad assuming they live with you. Etc.

I mean it's up to you.

I understand your disappointment but realistically I don't think I would chuck it in.

Your child having a stable, intact family is far too important to throw away because you can’t let go of an idea that you don’t even know could materialize.

Once this kind of issue arises, if the partner that wants a child cant let go of that wish, the marriage is pretty much over. Because most men would just stop being intimate to avoid the risks and if you do get pregnant by accident, his reaction..well youre not going to love it

My boyfriend has learned now (stick to the issue, don’t get personal, don’t lose your temper, stand your ground but try to see the other person’s viewpoint too), but I had to teach him how to do it, cos his first response to conflict was to just shut down. His mum and dad never argued with him, nor did his teachers or wider family. My friend, another only child, gets really cruel in arguments, turning it into a character assassination

These are issues of individual personalities and parenting styles, not because they have no siblings.

My XH was one of 5, and was emotionally abusive and shouty when he argued, because that was his personality, and he had been parented too permissively and was very entitled.

My DS is an only and is very good at arguing his case with rational points and facts, because I've taught him to do so.

Generalisations about only children aren't helpful. What my DS lacks in my opinion as an only is what I have as an adult - siblings who are good friends and with whom I have a shared history and a knowledge that we would always have each other's backs and help out where needed. However not all sibling groups are like that by any means, so nothing is guaranteed.

I’m an only child, I don’t think it made me an emotionally stunted hotheaded plonker but then I would say that, wouldn’t I!

If your relationship is otherwise good op, and your child is happy, then I wouldn’t leave him just to have another baby but then I had a very happy childhood as an only and I’m super close to my parents now so it’s been a very positive experience for me

Only you can decide. Personally I wouldn’t break up a good relationship and having an existing child live away from their Dad.

I wish on a regular basis I was an only child, my sibling is the bane of my life. It’s been my friends who supported me when my Mum were ill - they mitigated the stress my sibling caused in an already difficult situation.

If the only issue in your relationship is this disagreement about the number of children then leaving for an opportunity to potentially have another child with someone else is very selfish thing to do especially towards your existing child.

Have you considered if leave your husband then you would loose time with your son potentially every other weekend half holidays or even 50 %of time .

If otherwise. You have a good relationship is it worth that gamble where might not meet anyone else or have another child .

I’m amazed people think you should leave your husband, breaking up the family of your existing child, to have a child with someone else.

The impact on your son of separating from his father is likely to be a lot worse than the impact on them if not having a sibling.

This is one of those instances where you really should put the needs of your existing child ahead of your desire for more children.

I’m not even going to comment on the have another child to make your son better in arguments view, except to say funniest thing I’ve read on here in a while

@JenPen2004

Yeah, I agree with CraftMaker that it is preferable to have siblings. Being in a relationship with an only child (and being friends with many), I sometimes feel like they are not so great at discussing things/arguing.

I suspect this stems from not having had a sibling to “practise” arguing with. I know that might sound ridiculous, but if you think of only children’s experiences, it is either adults telling them what to do, adults nurturing them, or friendships where (whilst some arguments may happen) the intimacy and stability of a sibling relationship is not there, so there are far fewer arguments. I do think a lot of only children therefore don’t know how to argue as adults. My boyfriend has learned now (stick to the issue, don’t get personal, don’t lose your temper, stand your ground but try to see the other person’s viewpoint too), but I had to teach him how to do it, cos his first response to conflict was to just shut down. His mum and dad never argued with him, nor did his teachers or wider family. My friend, another only child, gets really cruel in arguments, turning it into a character assassination. So aye, I think missing out on healthy sibling conflict either makes you a pushover or else a bit of a “hothead” in later conflicts.

Having said all that, lol, there are various psychological studies about birth order etc, which say that it becomes irrelevant after a certain age (I think 10 or so, but you’d need to double check), cos the gap is too big. The eldest takes on a semi-caregiver role. So maybe the large gap will result in a totally different sibling dynamic than you anticipate.

One final thought (sorry! I’m very talkative tonight. I should not drink wine and then come on MN!). When my dad died (when I was 16), I really don’t know what I would have done without my older sister. Not that your Future death is a reason to have another child, lol, but I think that siblings are the only people who have always been there, who know your life experiences, your family dynamic - they just GET it.

I guess you need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker for you. Have you subtly tried to find out your existing child’s thoughts on having a sibling? Cos they might not even WANT one!

Anyhoo, good luck!

So people should have more than one child so their children learn how to argue? Seems a tad extreme.

And I'm an only child, and I can argue just fine!

It would be mad to leave him and try to meet someone else to have a kid with IMO. It would cause disruption to your existing DC and he may not thank you for the new sibling when it means he has to live with a step dad rather than his own dad and share time between two houses!
I mean - there is nothing wrong with that when a relationship between parents has broken down naturally. But to create that situation unnecessarily in order to have a sibling for your DC is mad.

If you loved him surely what you have now would be good enough.

I’d also be careful of the message sent to the existing child, imagine knowing your parent split the family because of a personal want and that you alone weren’t good enough. That’s how I would feel as a child once old enough to understand the situation.