I want more children, husband has said no

[Rissa1989]

My husband and I have been together 14years, married 8. We have a son who is 6 and I would love to add to our family. Husband has said he will never change his mind.
I'm feeling stuck and don't know how to feel.
I love him and our family but my want for another child is just hurting my heart.

I wish he would change his mind but I can never see that happening.

Do I stay and settle with what I have or do I leave and try to co parent with him as friends as hard as it would be. I just don't want to ever resent him in the future when it's to late. :(

Given your son's health problems, I don't blame your husband for not wanting to take the risk of having another child. In this instance he is not being selfish, he is being careful.

It's sad that not having any child is 'hurting your heart' but you can get past this. Many do, some cannot have anther child but still manage to live a fulfilled life.

It's entirely up to you what you do but if you and your husband are happy and love each other, please try to make the most of that and enjoy it.

& I stand by that. Presumptuous sexist bollox from anyone is shameful, from a woman, massively so 🤷‍♀️

* However, despite my mere 17 years of existence that you scoff at, I think that to say someone acts a certain cos they’re just an arsehole is really quite overly simplistic. *

And then you go on to describe truly awful and unreasonable behaviour on the part of your mother.

Obviously many people have a reason or reasons for behaving badly

Some are simply arseholes

And you will come to realise that soon enough

@SingingInTheShithouse

KEY PART you and others went on to have more children.... if you have 2 children at least you surely must feel more complete than if you only had the one child.

am I understanding this correctly, ie those of us with less than 2 kids are not "complete" if so, what a load of sexist assed bollox, you should be ashamed of yourself 🙄

I've never felt 'incomplete' because of having one child. I hope I wouldn't have felt that way with no children but we'll never know. As it is I've enjoyed being a mother, still do, and consider myself very fortunate.

What ridiculous rubbish some people spout.

[quote Augtwo]@Lweji being a mother to one child is not not the same though though is it if you go on to have more?

KEY PART you and others went on to have more children.... if you have 2 children at least you surely must feel more complete than if you only had the one child.[/quote]
I only have one. And I don't need a child to feel complete, let alone two!

All of us mothers have been mothers to one at some point. We know how we feel having one. We know if we wanted more or not, and why. Some of us may have wanted more and not got them. Some may have just wanted the one. Some may have wanted more and got them.
So, we do know how it feels to have one and what we felt about the possibility of only having one.
Like we were childless at some point and we know how we felt about it.
However, parents of only one don't know how it feels to have more.

It's a distinct possibility that the OP might be disappointed with more than one. Some parents report regretting having children, or more children.

OP, I wonder if your desire and your husband's lack of desire for a second child come from the same place.
He may be worried you'll have another child with health problems and you may long for a child you can enjoy more without those health issues.
The fact is that nobody can predict what will happen.
But you can talk about your points of view, not only to explain to each other, but also to better understand your own motivations and fears. Counselling might help you make this decision as a couple, if necessary.

But before you put your family at risk, make sure you understand your own motivations and the consequences of your decisions, which you can regret bitterly.

I can't imagine telling my first child that I tore up his family in order to create another child. That could so easily be interpreted as 'I wasn't enough so another child had to happen regardless of the pain and distress that caused me'. As if being born with health problems isn't enough of a bad hand to be dealt but his mother might take his family unit apart in order to have another child. I couldn't do it if the relationship was otherwise healthy.

@DietrichandDiMaggio

Tbf I am literally 17 years old, what do I know, really.

Tbf, maybe you shouldn't post sweeping generalisations based on your vast life experience as a child then.

So may I ask DietrichandDiMaggio, how is my opinion any less valid than that of anyone else on this thread? Or on the wider site? Because I’m younger? Because my sarcastically phrased “vast life experience as a child” means I am less capable of rational thought and opinion-formation than insightful adults, such as yourself? I hope you can see how discouraging it is as a young person, to be met with such condescending comments when I try to offer an opinion and engage with others. On a forum which is designed for those very things.

And actually the fact that I am younger gives a different perspective to the debate, which I would think would be welcomed. Others are seeing it from the POV of parents. I am seeing it from the POV of “a child”, as you so patronisingly put it. Personally I would see it as someone who has a foot in both worlds - adulthood and childhood.

I wouldn’t have posted a comment if I had realised I would have to justify my opinion - and age - to people like yourself who disagree with it. There is a range of opinions offered, none more or less valid than the others. And your suggestion that mine is somehow lesser cos of my age or the fact that you disagree with me is more than a little patronising.

So I guess ultimately what I’m saying is this - maybe with all that vast life experience of yours, you can reflect on how discouraging you may have found such comments at my age, and consider if that is the way you want to engage with the younger generation. Thanks

The desire for another child is so strong, it clouds judgment and overrides everything else in your life. I was in this position many years ago...... and let's just say my youngest child was a surprise to my DH, but not to me . Whether right or wrong, our youngest ds is adored by us both.

Lweji

"All of us mothers have been mothers to one at some point. We know how we feel having one. We know if we wanted more or not, and why. Some of us may have wanted more and not got them. Some may have just wanted the one. Some may have wanted more and got them.
So, we do know how it feels to have one and what we felt about the possibility of only having one.
Like we were childless at some point and we know how we felt about it.
However, parents of only one don't know how it feels to have more."

It's not the same. Just because at some point someone was not a mother it doesn't mean they will understand struggles of someone who desperately wants a baby and is not able to for years. And someone who had their children few years apart will not understand how it is to not be able to have another child as time passes. They are different experiences. I think that's what original poster meant.

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose

I can't imagine telling my first child that I tore up his family in order to create another child. That could so easily be interpreted as 'I wasn't enough so another child had to happen regardless of the pain and distress that caused me'. As if being born with health problems isn't enough of a bad hand to be dealt but his mother might take his family unit apart in order to have another child. I couldn't do it if the relationship was otherwise healthy.

I couldn't have said it better.

If I was otherwise happy with my husband I can’t imagine uprooting my existing child’s life in favour of their future half sibling who might never happen. I feel like it sends a message they are not enough.

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose

I can't imagine telling my first child that I tore up his family in order to create another child. That could so easily be interpreted as 'I wasn't enough so another child had to happen regardless of the pain and distress that caused me'. As if being born with health problems isn't enough of a bad hand to be dealt but his mother might take his family unit apart in order to have another child. I couldn't do it if the relationship was otherwise healthy.

Didn’t see this post when I wrote mine - I completely agree!

Imagine how your son would feel if you had a second child with hubby number 2 and made a nice cosy family unit with DC2 and DH2. Your son would be really hurt and pushed out.
My DH didn’t want a second and I did and I am working through the emotions around this myself.

@Annamaywong25

The desire for another child is so strong, it clouds judgment and overrides everything else in your life. I was in this position many years ago...... and let's just say my youngest child was a surprise to my DH, but not to me . Whether right or wrong, our youngest ds is adored by us both.

It's just wrong and so is the stupid wink

Stop having sex with him for a while and stop taking contraception and let him be in charge of it. He will eventually slip up and you’ll get what you want anyway like a pp said happened to them too

@Annamaywong25

I was in this position many years ago...... and let's just say my youngest child was a surprise to my DH, but not to me

So you purposefully got pregnant despite knowing your DH didn't want a child?

That would be stealth if you reverse the sexes. It's an awful thing to do to your partner, even if they adore the little one when they arrive.

You knowingly take away their agency and unilaterally take control of the next 18 years (absolute minimum) of their life.

@Rissa1989 - Does your H realise how strongly you want a bigger family? It may be that he doesn’t quite get it and, rather than not actually wanting another child - is traumatised by your son’s early age health issues. I don’t think his ‘not changing his mind’ is necessarily a fixed state. And it is in fact selfish - as it doesn’t give your a voice. And doesn’t take into account your son who work clearly benefit from having a sibling.

But as to what you practically can do, I think there are a few paths you can chose.

The easiest - especially if you are taking hormonal contraceptives is to get off them. Wether you tell your H or not is up to you.
If you don’t tell - it’s ‘an accident’ - happens often enough. (Personally I think this is a better way than divorcing. As most men in this situation would end up being OK with another kid. Divorce on the other hand is much more traumatic and would affect more people)
If you tell him - he can decide if he actually is against it enough to get a vasectomy or to use condoms.

You can turn the table around and make him chose what to do instead. You can tell him that just like him have a right to chose wether or not to have another child. So you chose to have one and will use a sperm bank. He can then decide to stay or to break up the family.

Or you can just tell him you clearly want different future and you want to leave and meet someone who will want same things as you. You met when you were quite young and people often do outgrow these relationships. You are still young and can meet someone else.

To everyone else saying you should just make peace with his decision - I strongly disagree. No man is worth giving up a chance to have a child if YOU want to have a child. Especially when there is w limited number of years you’ll be able to have children. And any man can turn around and leave you in a few years. And change his mind and have more kids with a new partner. While you ship may have sailed by then.
So - have that child if you feel strongly about it.

@CraftMaker

As an only child with many friends who were born under the China One-Child Policy, I would say it is better to have more than one. It's just unfair for the full responsibility for your parents' hopes, dreams and ultimately for looking after them in old age to be put on one person.

That is what I would say to your DH.

Good luck OP x

You refer to China so I don't know if you're of Chinese descent or not, but I think this is quite a Chinese way of looking at things to be honest. I have taught a lot of Chinese adults and the dynamics of a Chinese family is quite different to that of British one. Not saying one is better, just that they're different.

Also having more than one child so you get better care when you're older...yeah, that's a really crap reason to have a child.

I think you should have a very frank conversation again to gauge his reasons why he definitely doesn’t want another child. It is risky breaking up your family as
You might not meet somebody else to have a child with. You might also leave your son with issues if you break up the family. I feel for you. My stepson is an only
Child and is Happy, well adjusted and has plenty of Friends. When his dad and I met He was 8 and we felt that it might upset him too much if we had another child together so we didn’t (he had lost his mother when he was little and was very closely bonded with his dad)

You could easily end up with 50% of your current child who could really resent you for the chaos you caused and choose to live with his Dad. It's madness to consider breaking up a family over your desire for another child.

We know a couple like this and the mother did leave. She ended up with a hugely awful bloke because time was running out. baby #2 had a lot of needs/SEN. The father remarried as well and went on to have 2 more children with the new wife. When he said he didn't want more he meant with her....she hadn't coped well with DC1. Dad ended up with DC1 living with him and only visiting mums house occasionally as it was an awful atmosphere.

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

Also *@JenPen2004* you must be a very intelligent accomplished genius at 17 if you have got enough education and qualifications under your belt to be diagnosing people with "personality disorders" from one post. Jeez, even my brother who is a psychiatrist couldn't do that, that's some mean feat!

Perhaps hold back on bandying around your amateur diagnosis of mental health conditions on social media huh? Bit insulting for those who do suffer with such a disorder to have it thrown around like some kind of loose insult.

To be fair most people on MN have a self-awarded degree on diagnosing personality disorders, don't they? Narcissistic MIL, anybody? Posters post one action done by their DH and he is judged, diagnosed and recommendations of leaving made within the first page. If it's fair game for everyone else, why not for a 17yo?

I suggest explaining to your h about how you are feeling - maybe he doesn't realise how important it is to you.

If he loves you he will listen to your point of view and consider it.

I think going to a relationship psychologist together would be a good idea so you can both explore the consequences of trying for a second child together (because there is no guarantee) and not trying for a second child.

Or...if you want to go about it the short way, as pp suggested, put him in charge of contraception. If he doesn't get a vasectomy you know there might be a chance, or he's keeping his options open if case you guys do split up of having a second family.

@Craftmaker. If parents have the attitude that more than one child will give them the opportunity to live out their dreams through the children, or that there will be more children to share the responsibility of looking after them when they are old then they would make shit parents and shouldn't have any at all.

The burden of your parents hopes and dreams being forced on you however many of you there are can ruin a childs life.
Also, if you have 10 children there is no legal obligation for any of them to look after you in your old age. They cannot be forced to do this.

If parents have the attitude that... there will be more children to share the responsibility of looking after them when they are old then they would make shit parents and shouldn't have any at all.

@notthemum check your privilege. Not everyone lives in a country with a welfare state and free care homes. A lot of people in the world rely on the income their children receive to support them. This does not make them 'shit parents'.