I want more children, husband has said no

[Rissa1989]

My husband and I have been together 14years, married 8. We have a son who is 6 and I would love to add to our family. Husband has said he will never change his mind.
I'm feeling stuck and don't know how to feel.
I love him and our family but my want for another child is just hurting my heart.

I wish he would change his mind but I can never see that happening.

Do I stay and settle with what I have or do I leave and try to co parent with him as friends as hard as it would be. I just don't want to ever resent him in the future when it's to late. :(

The only question you need to ask yourself is 'can you move past this?'

Shouldn't the question be 'what is in the best interests of my son'?

At the end of the day op everyone has a valid point, it is incredibly selfish to break up your current family over your wants and needs. Unfortunately you lose that privilege when you become a mother.

You current, alive child should always come first before any potentional future children. Because he is here now so his wants and needs are more important.

However if you think that this really matters to you to the point that resentment will start to grow towards your dp then maybe it is better that you seperate now. But only you can decide how you feel and how this will impact your relationship. No one on the internet can dictate that for you.

Either way op do you even want to leave your partner over this or are you just frustrated that he isnt on the same page as you? Because I'm not being funny I see plenty of people post on here about abusive partners and still dont leave. You may have a certain line and boundaries that you will not accept being crossed and this is drawing the line for you. But I really highly doubt your willing to leave everything behind for a possible future that isnt even guaranteed.

DH only wanted one. I wanted four. We'd had primary infertility so it was a 3 year struggle to get her. He was worried that we wouldn't be able to give her the time and money and attention that he wanted to. I told him contraception was his job if that's how he felt as I wasn't going to try and prevent anything- though to be honest I genuinely didn't think we'd conceive again and didn't actively TTC. Dc2 & Dc3 are very much here. 🤦🏼‍♀️

That said I can totally see his point and I agree with him (I don't regret 2 & 3- just acknowledge that he was right). We're skint, can't afford for them to do much, it's trashed our career prospects and I do see that dc1 is different to her friends who are only children in that they are more confident, have more time lavished on them and get to do lots of lovely activities and holidays etc.

For me I wouldn't have ended the relationship to have more children. I love my DH, he's an amazing dad and my best friend. If there were other issues then maybe that would be a different consideration but if the sole block was another child (that lets face it isn't guaranteed) then I wouldn't walk away from the relationship.

@letsmakethishappen

It’s up to you that’s a tough one. I know it a silly idea but I know a lot of women who have conceived ‘accidentally’. Unless he’s using condoms or has had a vasectomy

It's not silly, it's disgusting and selfish.

@AwaAnBileYerHeid
The reason why I mention personality disorders is because @EccentricaGalumbits mentioned her ex husband’s “horrific abusive behaviours”. I suppose it is “generous” of me to say his behaviours are due to that and not that he is just an arsehole. However, despite my mere 17 years of existence that you scoff at, I think that to say someone acts a certain cos they’re just an arsehole is really quite overly simplistic.

To the person who said it is unusual to be interested in mums net at 17, I have been a lurker since 15 actually, which I know is a bit weird! My mum is always always always shouting at me and a lot of the time I have absolutely no idea what I have even done wrong. So I am trying to see things from her POV and work out why she is so angry with me all the time (especially when she is absolutely fine with my sisters). And so I joined mumsnet to see what other mums are saying about why they get so irrationally angry with just one child. I can’t just ask my mum, cos when I try (and I wait until she is calm and in a good mood, so that’s she’s not angry or stressed), she just screams at me for “raking up the past” or ruining her good mood or whatever. So I have stopped asking. I know my mumsnet habits are probably a bit weird. None of my friends know! Anyway, since my dad died at the end of last year, she is even worse. Screaming and shouting at me all the time. I know she’s stressed about my dad dying, but we all are. So I have started to post, to try to get advice on what I can do to make her like me more. If I try to be more like my sisters she says I am mocking them, so that clearly doesn’t work!! Not found anything useful yet, but I just feel dead lonely without my dad, and I suppose I like the community of this. Without the toxicity of social media. Anyway, I’ll shut up now, ffs!

@JenPen2004

You have an incredibly wise head on your shoulders considering your age. Take no heed of the nay sayers.

& FTR my slightly older DD is on here occasionally too & has been since 15 when I suggested she join for advice on certain stuff.

I'm sorry about your DMs attitude, that must be so hard, especially after losing your DF, but don't blame yourself, sometimes parents come with a whole heap of childhood baggage that make them behave badly to their DCs & that is never your fault. NEVER!

If you haven't already, check out the "stately home" threads, sometimes family dynamics are very badly skewed & it's just the way it is & you drive yourself mad looking for answers. Just know it's not you, for whatever reason, it's them.

Mine was like this too

There are probably many reasons that your husband doesn't want another child, the extra financial burden, the carting round of baby things and lack of being able to just up and off that you have with an 8 year old, worry about the environmental impact and what kind of future your child will have, what if a second child was disabled or had a serious illness? What if siblings didn't get along?

The positives that it would provide you with a much wanted baby don't seem to outweigh the potential negatives, but if you were determined to have another child I think it would be unreasonable to expect your husband to shoulder the burden, would it really be worth losing your relationship and breaking up your family over?
Only you can decide, but I'd focus my energy on enjoying your son in your shoes.

For better, for worse!
As a child of divorce who did not get along with their siblings (none of us speak now) please don't break your DS heart and tear his family apart, he'll resent you in the future!

I think as an only child there are fors and againsts .I certainly know how to argue though ! I had many friends as a child ,and again as an Adult too .I was also the only GC too! Lots of Adult company .Went to friends house after School as DM had to work (SP). If you get on well with DP then you have to work out whether you want to break up over this or not .However if he became a Dad for the second time unwillingly, he may not be a very good dad!

You don’t have to leave your husband…why don’t you just tell him that if he doesn’t want to be the father of your next child then you’ll just get a sperm donor

I've seen some really stupid comments on here but this takes the biscuit

Great idea. I'm sure her husband will be totally on board for that idea. He doesn't want another child but I'm sure he'll definitely see his wife being pregnant to someone else as a great alternative 🙄

If you’re planning on leaving and co parenting anyway then you may as well come off contraceptive, get pregnant with your second and then leave. You’re going to upset him by leaving anyway and it’s easier to have the same dad with both children. You never know, he might even come round to the idea.

I know it’s not morally right but there’s no guarantee that you’ll meet someone else anyway and would of split your family up for no reason

"I cant imagine many 17 year olds on this site, would never have been on it at your age" WTF why has an age barrier somehow come up on here then? Site is open to all young and old . Young people like to debate and gain knowledge as well . They are not all going out with friends exactly the same age you know!

This is a tough one. If mothers on here don't have an only child themselves then it's really unfair to comment as you have no idea.

OP obviously must feel strongly about wanting a second baby and I don't see anything wrong with that.

What was the plan originally OP? Did you openly discuss with your DH about having more than one child?

You don’t have to leave your husband…why don’t you just tell him that if he doesn’t want to be the father of your next child then you’ll just get a sperm donor

And what? Live with two children and have nothing to do with one of them? Don't be so ridiculous. It's not the donation of sperm he's objecting to, it's raising a second child. He doesn't want to do so. Can you imagine being forced or coerced into raising a child against your will? It's a horrible thought because it's a horrible thing to happen.

If OP really wants a second child more than she wants to remain married and live with her existing child and that child's father under the same roof, that's her choice. But it's a massive risk that means a child sees less of their father when that father has done nothing wrong to the child. And there's no guarantee she will meet someone else great, or that she will be able to have a second child.

@JenPen2004

Aquamarine, if you want to prove you can engage in mature discourse, then “what a load of absolute bollocks” is probably not the best opening gambit

@Nametroubleagain

If you’re planning on leaving and co parenting anyway then you may as well come off contraceptive, get pregnant with your second and then leave. You’re going to upset him by leaving anyway and it’s easier to have the same dad with both children. You never know, he might even come round to the idea. I know it’s not morally right but there’s no guarantee that you’ll meet someone else anyway and would of split your family up for no reason

Are you suggesting she do this without him knowing? Wow. What a disgusting thing to suggest if so.

If mothers on here don't have an only child themselves then it's really unfair to comment as you have no idea.

Every mother here has been the mother of a single child at some point, except those that have had twins from their first pregnancy.

We all have a good idea of why we ended up with that single child or had more.

@Lweji being a mother to one child is not not the same though though is it if you go on to have more?

KEY PART you and others went on to have more children.... if you have 2 children at least you surely must feel more complete than if you only had the one child.

Your choice is him or another baby.

KEY PART you and others went on to have more children.... if you have 2 children at least you surely must feel more complete than if you only had the one child.

am I understanding this correctly, ie those of us with less than 2 kids are not "complete" if so, what a load of sexist assed bollox, you should be ashamed of yourself 🙄

Oh OP

I have been in this situation and the term you use, with regards to your heart hurting, just describes it personally.

I did eventually talk my husband around, but it took well over a year.

Would I have left him over it? Probably not. But I would have resented him and I’m not sure a marriage can survive that whatever is the cause of it.

You have my sympathy

@SingingInTheShithouse why are you taking things to an extreme. I replied back to a comment. You have got it wrong. I related my opinion to OP! Take it how you wish.

@Augtwo

Im reading what you have written. Writing or thinking you need 2 kids to feel/be complete, conversely implies that any women with less than 2 DC is somehow "incomplete" & that really is sexist assed bollox & untrue fir most of us.

If I miss read your reply in someway, then all you had to do was point that out, rather than be so aggressively on the attack w🙄

I don't have any children because I haven't met the right person to have children with. You could leave your husband for a ridiculous wild goose chase and end up with no one and still have one child.

I think this is one of those I want what I don't have because that is somehow better. You have a lovely life, with a son and a man who loves you. What's next OP once you have the mystical second child? What if you have another boy?! Yet life would be complete with a girl. Will you split up another family? When does this end?

[quote SingingInTheShithouse]@Augtwo

Im reading what you have written. Writing or thinking you need 2 kids to feel/be complete, conversely implies that any women with less than 2 DC is somehow "incomplete" & that really is sexist assed bollox & untrue fir most of us.

If I miss read your reply in someway, then all you had to do was point that out, rather than be so aggressively on the attack w🙄[/quote]
Haha. Take your own advice. You jumped down my throat before I even had a chance to reply. Your words "you should be ashamed of yourself".