I want more children, husband has said no

[Rissa1989]

My husband and I have been together 14years, married 8. We have a son who is 6 and I would love to add to our family. Husband has said he will never change his mind.
I'm feeling stuck and don't know how to feel.
I love him and our family but my want for another child is just hurting my heart.

I wish he would change his mind but I can never see that happening.

Do I stay and settle with what I have or do I leave and try to co parent with him as friends as hard as it would be. I just don't want to ever resent him in the future when it's to late. :(

Agree with what others have said. Dh didn't want another one but I did so I asked him to be in charge on contraception - as another poster has said, I felt it was cruel to make me actively stop something I really wanted.

Long story short I'm now 5 months pregnant. I don't know what that says about my dh and the husbands of other posters who did the same though! Weirdly now he is really excited and I feel like I'm the apprehensive one.

If you dump your husband in the hope you'll find someone else to have another baby with, you'll be giving your existing child a very clear message that he's not enough for you. If you're happy with that and don't think it'll mess him up in any way then crack on.

@JenPen2004 aquamarine did "engage in mature discourse", she simply prefaced it with what a load of bollocks....because what you said was absolute bollocks. Instead of discussing like a mature adult, you're the one who ignored the "mature discourse" that aquamarine put forward and honed in on the "absolute bollocks" comment...to try and prove some kind of point? Immature.

Assuming there are no other issues in the relationship then check out the threads where single parents are looking for partners - it is not easy finding another partner in the first instance when you are older, who then will be a good stepdad and your parenting values align, and who then wants more children .... that is a big ask. Then explain to our current child when they are older why their stability and family unit was worth breaking up for - for the second Child if you have one. They may not even get along - some siblings do, others don't. It is sad that he doesnt want a second child, but only you can decide how much that is worth breaking up a family over....

I can't see how leaving your child's father in order to give him a sibling significantly younger than him is going to help him in the slightest. As PPs have said, an extra child is for your benefit, not his.

Some of the comments about only children on this thread have been absurd.

It’s up to you that’s a tough one. I know it a silly idea but I know a lot of women who have conceived ‘accidentally’. Unless he’s using condoms or has had a vasectomy

You don’t have to leave your husband…why don’t you just tell him that if he doesn’t want to be the father of your next child then you’ll just get a sperm donor. It’s up to him then whether he wants to stay with you and the two kids. You only have one life OP and you need to live it for yourself primarily, not your husband.

Also @JenPen2004 you must be a very intelligent accomplished genius at 17 if you have got enough education and qualifications under your belt to be diagnosing people with "personality disorders" from one post. Jeez, even my brother who is a psychiatrist couldn't do that, that's some mean feat!

Perhaps hold back on bandying around your amateur diagnosis of mental health conditions on social media huh? Bit insulting for those who do suffer with such a disorder to have it thrown around like some kind of loose insult.

Absolutely settle for what you have. Why would you want more of something you already have? Enjoy your relationship, your child, and think of something else to do with your life.

Yeah, I agree with CraftMaker that it is preferable to have siblings.

What a load of tosh. My sibling is a nasty narcissistic liability & I'm still dealing with the fall out of the bad affect his has on DPs despite NC fir a few years. It was also me having to sort out his housing to keep him off the streets & sort out benefits for him... to stop him becoming homeless & sponging off DPs

I'd much rather be an only child as his shit won't get better until he's dead & I can envisage him causing a whole heap of shit more when DF dies & enjoying it as that what he does

You don't know what you are going to get with siblings, so the grass really isn't greener.

OP, you need to evaluate whether this is a deal breaker for you or not & take it from there. If you don't already know his reasons, then get to the bottom of that as it may be something he can get passed. Good luck

"My son had quite a rough time as a baby with being sick and he has an immune disorder so he just can't get his head past what happened before"*
*
I'm sorry you guys had such a rough time with your first! I think this is the key thing to think about.

As a first step, could you see if your partner is open to having some counselling around this? Could you also talk to the doctors together to see what the real chances are of a second child of yours having similar issues are, and if there's any ways to mitigate this?

I think if everything else if good with you as a family, it would be a big step to break things up for the chance of potentially having a second child. And if you did persuade him to have another one and you had to go through the same thing again it could cause a lot of resentment.

It's a really tough situation and I feel for you

I assume you've had a deep conversation and asked why your DH is so against having another child? Did you always know he only wanted one, or is it just based on the fact your son was ill as a baby?
Only you can decide whether you can live with this situation but I'd find it difficult to not feel resentful. I'm not you though. Obviously.

You only have one life OP and you need to live it for yourself primarily, not your husband.

What about the child she already has? Where does he come in this order of priorities?

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

Also *@JenPen2004* you must be a very intelligent accomplished genius at 17 if you have got enough education and qualifications under your belt to be diagnosing people with "personality disorders" from one post. Jeez, even my brother who is a psychiatrist couldn't do that, that's some mean feat!

Perhaps hold back on bandying around your amateur diagnosis of mental health conditions on social media huh? Bit insulting for those who do suffer with such a disorder to have it thrown around like some kind of loose insult.

Agree, but I’m bloody impressed with how a 17 year old has written and argued her case!

Very selfish outlook in my opinion. You're prepared to break up your family, your son's family, so YOU can have another child, which may or may not happen anyway. Incredibly selfish in my opinion. Also, as others have pointed out, you would presumably only have your son 50% of the time after a break up, so you would rather lose your current son for 50% of the time in the hope that you can find someone else to breed with?

As a side note, if you were my mother and I knew that you broke up the family just because you wanted another child, as soon as I was of age, I would not be spending any time in your care, let alone 50%

Why is having a hypothetical second child more important than your current family (son and husband)?
Why are you prepared to cause major havoc to all of your lives for a child that may not even come?
And how would you have that second child? A whole new stable relationship that may not happen? Any relationship that may not work? A one night stand? IVF? Worse, trick your husband?

I really think you should see beyond your, let's face it, selfish desire for another child.

There is no grantee you'll find someone and have that second child though, I think it's selfish to spilt up your existing child's family for a baby that might never happen.

@DietrichandDiMaggio

Tbf I am literally 17 years old, what do I know, really.

Tbf, maybe you shouldn't post sweeping generalisations based on your vast life experience as a child then.

She didn't, she gave a bit of her perspective as a sibling and didn't claim to be an expert. No need to be nasty her contribution was as helpful as any I've seen on this forum from young and old.

Hmmm. I based that on the post you quoted. Hadn't seen the others.

Op.. can you tell us what the exact issue is for him? ..

I totally understand how couples can break up when one wants children and the other doesn't.

I can't understand why anyone would break up a FAMILY over disagreements about whether to have MORE children.

I will probably stay in a marriage to keep your DC as a priority if there is nothing wrong / you are completely happy as a family. The other option is just too risky. I wouldn't want my DC to find out I broke the family up just to have an another baby with someone else. It might bring up resentment, was I not good enough for you etc... Really tricky situation.

About being only child, I am one and it is seriously misleading accusation that only child(ren) are selfish, not sociable etc. It is a wrong projection, everyone is different of course but being only child does not make anyone less or more of an any personality / accument.

Kuachui only the other day you created a thread about how you were suicidal because you regretted your kids and now you are talking about having a few more?.

The only question you need to ask yourself is 'can you move past this?' if you can great. If you can't, then resentment will grow which will be toxic to your relationship.

No amount of 'put your child first' or 'this is otherwise a good relationship' or indeed any other sort of logic will prevail if you just feel you've lost the opportunity for something because your husband just didn't want to. He's entirely right to not want another child too but again, that won't change how you feel about it.

If you want your family to continue as it is you need to work on moving past wanting another child.

If you don't think you can do that, then your relationship is going to die so you might as well take action either explain your position to your dh, get a sperm donor, leave and get a sperm donor, leave and look for another relationship.