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Original poster

I want more children, husband has said no

149 replies

Rissa1989 · 19/09/2021 00:10

My husband and I have been together 14years, married 8. We have a son who is 6 and I would love to add to our family. Husband has said he will never change his mind.
I'm feeling stuck and don't know how to feel.
I love him and our family but my want for another child is just hurting my heart.

I wish he would change his mind but I can never see that happening.

Do I stay and settle with what I have or do I leave and try to co parent with him as friends as hard as it would be. I just don't want to ever resent him in the future when it's to late. :(

OP posts:
Jeffers5 · 19/09/2021 08:28

What’s your husband’s reasoning?

I am pregnant with no 1 and although my opinion might change I can realllly see the benefits of 1 child, and that’s coming from someone who has 2 siblings who are both amazing, my sister is literally my best friend and I had a lovely childhood.

People saying leave your husband - bonkers. Leave him what I assume is a good relationship otherwise?, cause your only child trauma, half income etc, 50% custody. Then, of course, you’ve got to find yourself another man, which is likely to involve some dating around, get to know them, introduce them to your child, then have a baby with them…this process is years!

Angrymum22 · 19/09/2021 08:52

My DS 17 and only child is brilliant at arguing, my DH, one of 4 boys is rubbish. I can have a reasoned argument with one sister but the other one is a nightmare.
I don’t think it has anything to do with being an only child.
Being an only child through the pandemic has been lonely, so maybe, if these pandemics are going to be a regular thing you should be looking at more than one child.

layladomino · 19/09/2021 08:53

Can I suggest that you don't pay any heed to the debate of whether one child is better or worse than multiple children...

Lots of people will have a view on that and there is no better or worse. So often people's views have been swayed by what they themselves did (ie they wanted 2 children, so had 2 children, it's worked for them so they think 2 children is the 'right' answer).

When I look at the personalities and achievements of my friends and families, there is no relationship at all to whether they are only children or have siblings. (And I know two families with 3/4 children each who have all fallen out and see none of the benefits of siblings and of the grief).

I know that wasn't what your question was, but I fear sometimes it can get derailed, unhelpfully.

Steeple · 19/09/2021 09:00

@JenPen2004

Aquamarine, if you want to prove you can engage in mature discourse, then “what a load of absolute bollocks” is probably not the best opening gambit Hmm
@Aquamarine1029 doesn’t need to ‘convince’ anyone who posts unfounded, frankly dimwit generalisations on the Internet of her capacity for argument.
Kuachui · 19/09/2021 09:03

As a single child I'm angry that I don't have a sibling. Once my mum dies I have no one but my own kids which although still nice I'm then sad that they won't have cousins or a wider family that's why I'm planning on having quite a few kids so that they have a big family because i was always alone

SleepingStandingUp · 19/09/2021 09:05

How old are you op?

You say 14 years together so that could be youngest 28 ish? In which case there's time to nave, find a new man and have babies. So the question is so you want a baby more than your marriage? Are you OK with seeing your eldest on a shared custody basis?

Alt you could be 40, you could leave and very quickly realise you can't find someone new in time and your decision could come back to bite you very quickly, only to find DH has met someone else

Original poster
Rissa1989 · 19/09/2021 09:05

@Kuachui

As a single child I'm angry that I don't have a sibling. Once my mum dies I have no one but my own kids which although still nice I'm then sad that they won't have cousins or a wider family that's why I'm planning on having quite a few kids so that they have a big family because i was always alone
I come from a large family. My mum had 3 sisters and a brother and I grew up with a lot of cousins, my husbands side he has 2 sisters but a big age gap between him and them so all of my sons cousins are teenagers..
OP posts:
Original poster
Rissa1989 · 19/09/2021 09:07

@SleepingStandingUp

How old are you op?

You say 14 years together so that could be youngest 28 ish? In which case there's time to nave, find a new man and have babies. So the question is so you want a baby more than your marriage? Are you OK with seeing your eldest on a shared custody basis?

Alt you could be 40, you could leave and very quickly realise you can't find someone new in time and your decision could come back to bite you very quickly, only to find DH has met someone else

I am 32. I met my husband when I was 18 got married at 24 and had my son at 25
OP posts:
Original poster
Rissa1989 · 19/09/2021 09:08

@Jeffers5

What’s your husband’s reasoning?

I am pregnant with no 1 and although my opinion might change I can realllly see the benefits of 1 child, and that’s coming from someone who has 2 siblings who are both amazing, my sister is literally my best friend and I had a lovely childhood.

People saying leave your husband - bonkers. Leave him what I assume is a good relationship otherwise?, cause your only child trauma, half income etc, 50% custody. Then, of course, you’ve got to find yourself another man, which is likely to involve some dating around, get to know them, introduce them to your child, then have a baby with them…this process is years!

My son had quite a rough time as a baby with being sick and he has an immune disorder so he just can't get his head past what happened before
OP posts:
EmeraldRaine · 19/09/2021 09:08

You've already got a child. He comes first. How can it possibly be in his best interests to break up his family for the sake of an idea of another child who doesn't even exist apart from your imagination?

Saladovercrispsanyday · 19/09/2021 09:09

Has he changed his mind
Or has this always been his stance?

Snooper22 · 19/09/2021 09:10

Most people I have known in this situation get pregnant 'accidentally on purpose'. Not the best solution but someone in the relationship gets their own way whilst the other person has to 'suck it up' or risk condemnation for leaving their pregnant partner...

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 19/09/2021 09:10

@Kuachui

As a single child I'm angry that I don't have a sibling. Once my mum dies I have no one but my own kids which although still nice I'm then sad that they won't have cousins or a wider family that's why I'm planning on having quite a few kids so that they have a big family because i was always alone
On the flip side I hated having a large family as it meant no time, resources and children doing adult tasks etc. As an adult I spend little time with family and far more with friends so it’s no guarantee they will get on or even like each other.
DietrichandDiMaggio · 19/09/2021 09:12

Tbf I am literally 17 years old, what do I know, really.

Tbf, maybe you shouldn't post sweeping generalisations based on your vast life experience as a child then.

EmeraldRaine · 19/09/2021 09:13

Most people I have known in this situation get pregnant 'accidentally on purpose'. Not the best solution but someone in the relationship gets their own way whilst the other person has to 'suck it up' or risk condemnation for leaving their pregnant partner...

When a man does that to a woman, it's called stealthing. Fucking disgusting.

DietrichandDiMaggio · 19/09/2021 09:15

@Kuachui

As a single child I'm angry that I don't have a sibling. Once my mum dies I have no one but my own kids which although still nice I'm then sad that they won't have cousins or a wider family that's why I'm planning on having quite a few kids so that they have a big family because i was always alone
I have two children, but one is disabled requiring lifelong support. Should we have had further children just so that any children my other child has could have cousins?
Saladovercrispsanyday · 19/09/2021 09:16

@JenPen2004

“Team Bollocks” Grin I love it!

Tbf I am literally 17 years old, what do I know, really. I am just thinking in terms of my older sister and her support in the bereavement, plus when I was younger, her advice about boys, periods, makeup and stuff, lol. I probably would give a different answer if it was based on just my wee sister, cos she’s a pain in the arse. So I suppose we are all individuals, just cos someone is your sibling doesn’t mean you’re necessarily going to get on.

I do think practicalities like care when the parents are older, emotional support when they die, etc would probably be easier with a sibling, but obviously that’s a terrible reason to have a child!

FWIW your husband sounds like he has a personality disorder and would be abusive no matter what size of family he comes from. Well done on getting away from him, I know it probably wasn’t easy.

Can’t be many 17 year olds on mumsnet!

I can’t imagine in being interested in this website in the slightest when I was your age!

Saladovercrispsanyday · 19/09/2021 09:18

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

* If you loved him surely what you have now would be good enough.*
Oh come on. Surely you can see that love and life is more nuanced than that

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 19/09/2021 09:19

There are many reasons why people don't go on to have a second child, sometimes financial, sometimes medical or other unarguable reasons other than that's their wish. And the people who can't have a second child have to, somehow, come to terms with it.
In this case your chosen life partner and father of your child is the reason. Because he is a human and this is his 'view' it is very tempting to just think that he could change that view and you could have what you want. If he did it would save you all that emotional work and distress of not getting the second child you want, if he sticks to his guns it doesn't.

I think then, it is very important that he recognises he is affecting the direction of your life and take his responsibility for it. So he should give due consideration to your wishes in the mix of his thinking, he should seriously ask himself if he can't give you this. He should make sure that if he closes that door for you the same goes for him (to help avoid resentment - in it together, so a vasectomy could be a good way to do this). He should support you as you grieve for that choice.

If he is just not interested in the conversation, considers his stance overrules yours without giving it a seconds thought then that isn't partnership. Ideally the conversation should be a joint exercise in arriving at a decision together where both of you have been fully listened to and considered.
Forcing parenthood on someone who doesn't want it is a recipe for disaster, so whatever way this goes you have to go there together.

Snooper22 · 19/09/2021 09:19

@EmeraldRaine

Most people I have known in this situation get pregnant 'accidentally on purpose'. Not the best solution but someone in the relationship gets their own way whilst the other person has to 'suck it up' or risk condemnation for leaving their pregnant partner...

When a man does that to a woman, it's called stealthing. Fucking disgusting.

Not when the woman wants the extra child..
CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 19/09/2021 09:21

There was a really good thread very recently on this topic where loads of constructive help was given. Wish I could remember the title, maybe a search in relationships would reveal it

ANameChangeAgain · 19/09/2021 09:22

Your DH doesn't want another and with such a big age gap I don't think it would benefit your ds socially by having another baby. If you have another it'll be for you. Your 1st will be starting senior school whilst your 2nd starts primary. Everything you will be wanting to do with your 1st will be too old for your 2nd, and likewise your 1st won't want to do baby stuff with their younger sibling.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 19/09/2021 09:24

@Kuachui

As a single child I'm angry that I don't have a sibling. Once my mum dies I have no one but my own kids which although still nice I'm then sad that they won't have cousins or a wider family that's why I'm planning on having quite a few kids so that they have a big family because i was always alone
I have a sibling but as they live in Australia I might as well be an only. Supplying a sibling is a rubbis reason to have another child, sometimes siblings are enemies. You're imagined alternative life is a fantasy only, don't torture yourself with it. Flowers
SGBK4682 · 19/09/2021 09:26

I think it would be wrong to leave your husband over this, unless your relationship has broken down completely. Your existing child should be your priority. To leave just to have another child, without knowing whether you ever will, would be reckless and detrimental to your son.

I know tons of people who are only children or who have only children. Several of my longterm friends are and they are all confident secure people. Several have been through the illness and loss of one or both parents (not that that is a reason to have a second child) and coped well enough with the aid of their husbands, cousins or friends. Others with siblings have been embroiled in bitter sibling disputes over parental illnesses and deaths. It really isn't a consideration worth thinking about.

From the fact your son is already 6, I assume this may have been an ongoing discussion? And that there is no way your husband will change his mind? Your son is too old now for a very close childhood sibling relationship in which they play together at a similar level and share the life stages of growing up. My brother is less than 2 years younger than me and we very much did share those things but my sister is over 5 years younger and there was less of that with her.

Mothersister · 19/09/2021 09:30

@JenPen2004
I suspect this stems from not having had a sibling to “practise” arguing with. I know that might sound ridiculous, but if you think of only children’s experiences, it is either adults telling them what to do, adults nurturing them, or friendships where (whilst some arguments may happen) the intimacy and stability of a sibling relationship is not there, so there are far fewer arguments.

You’re right, it does sound ridiculous. I know plenty of adults who were only children who are more than capable of holding their own in arguments. You don’t need siblings to have stability and intimacy in relationships or have the confidence to debate and advocate for themselves.

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