I want more children, husband has said no

[Rissa1989]

My husband and I have been together 14years, married 8. We have a son who is 6 and I would love to add to our family. Husband has said he will never change his mind.
I'm feeling stuck and don't know how to feel.
I love him and our family but my want for another child is just hurting my heart.

I wish he would change his mind but I can never see that happening.

Do I stay and settle with what I have or do I leave and try to co parent with him as friends as hard as it would be. I just don't want to ever resent him in the future when it's to late. :(

I'm team Jenpen you condescending arseholes. My daughter's are 17 & 19 and very capable of rational thought and have been excellent at mature conversation with us stuck in our ways oldies for years.

Back to the topic in hand, four years between my elder sibling and I, we've never really had anything to do with each other. Same sex, different school, friends, toys, interests, levels of maturity when younger...you can't force a friendship. My youngest feels in the shadow of my eldest, my eldest feels my youngest gets away with more. Sibling rivalry. Be honest op, it's you that's wants another baby, for you. You expect your existing child to adapt and accept (which is fine and normal, that's a parenting decision and privilege) and are aggrieved your husband doesn't feel the same. Well, if he doesn't he doesn't. And if you can't work it through so that he does feel that he's like a second then you have to accept that decision as being as valid as your own.

@Damnloginpopup

Did you actually read what jenpen wrote

* that it is preferable to have siblings. Being in a relationship with an only child (and being friends with many), I sometimes feel like they are not so great at discussing things/arguing.*

I have siblings and I adore them.

However I quite understand the poster that responded defensively about fact they were an only and very happy about it.

Jenpen’s comment was thoughtless, naive and even if i didn’t know she was 17 years old I would think the comment was made by someone childish and / or a bit daft!

....your son who work clearly benefit from having a sibling.

How would he 'clearly benefit'? The age difference would be too great for them to be companions as they grow up. As adults, they might not get on, or even see each other very often if they end up living a long distance away from each other.

Some children might benefit from having a sibling. Some might not. There may be instances where having a sibling might actually be detrimental rather than beneficial.

It's not the same. Just because at some point someone was not a mother it doesn't mean they will understand struggles of someone who desperately wants a baby and is not able to for years. And someone who had their children few years apart will not understand how it is to not be able to have another child as time passes. They are different experiences. I think that's what original poster meant.

Do you mean the OP, or the pp I originally replied to?
This is a tough one. If mothers on here don't have an only child themselves then it's really unfair to comment as you have no idea.

But, no.
This is a case of wanting or not to have a second child. Regardless of going to have or not a second child, we went through the process of deciding if we wanted a second, and how badly, or if we didn't want one at all.
We all had one child at some point. And we know how we felt with that one child, and if we wanted more or not.
I have an only child. It happened, but I didn't long for a second child like the OP. I have a good idea of what it is like to have an only child (he's 16), but I have no idea about wanting a second and husband not. Conversely, some mothers of 2 or 3 may understand how it feels to want more children but husband not. All of us have been through the stage of having only one child, though.
I'm running out of ways to explain this. But it seems like the goals are shifting somewhat.

Being in a relationship with an only child (and being friends with many), I sometimes feel like they are not so great at discussing things/arguing.

How is your OH representative of all single children?

@Lweji

It’s not even her OH

It’s her teenage friends!

Yes, sorry, only noticed after posting.

Well said @JenPen2004 and @Damnloginpopup

The fact most of you are choosing to argue with a 17 old but referring to yourselves as wise, educated adults really proves how massively uneducated and sheltered you all are. More so that her comments clearly hit a nerve with you all. What a bunch of miserable old fools and frankly I feel sorry for your children if this is how you usually attempt to undermine them.

I could not care less what anyone else apart from the OP has to say quite frankly which is why I wouldn't further offer a response to any of them @JenPen2004 all you have done is excite' their mundane afternoon.

OP, this is a tough situation for you. In my eyes, I think I was extremely lucky enough to have siblings. Growing up with siblings, made my childhood so much more fun and enjoyable because I had someone to experience the highs, lows, and all of the in-between alongside someone else. My siblings have all grown up to be my best friends, including the last and youngest which there is a whopping 19 years between us!! I felt very lucky and blessed to have them around when I lost my father a couple of years back now.

Any of my friends or people whom I have encountered, who are only children generally do express how they WISH they had siblings, of course, they are living fine without them. But it "would have been nice" you know?

From what I believe @JenPen2004 was trying to word is that USUALLY children and adults from smaller households severally lack common social skills, which is factually true, I would know this as I am a psychiatrist. Adults, children from singular families are also often stereotyped as extremely self-centered, spoilt and demanding because they have never been taught how to equally share in materials, love and time.

@Rissa1989 I would strongly advise, if this is something you really do want, then speak to your husband again. Reiterate your longing and ask for him to express why he is so against it. In a situation as detrimental as this where it could impact your family, a conversation really is key and you aren't going to find a logical answer on MN, unfortunately, it's like finding a needle in a haystack, they would all rather point score against a 17-year-old that articulates themself far better than any of them ever could.

From what I believe @JenPen2004 was trying to word is that USUALLY children and adults from smaller households severally lack common social skills, which is factually true, I would know this as I am a psychiatrist. Adults, children from singular families are also often stereotyped as extremely self-centered, spoilt and demanding because they have never been taught how to equally share in materials, love and time.

Do psychiatrists believe all stereotypes now? That’s a bit depressing. Wondering if you can point me towards some of this “factually true” evidence that only children lack social skills because I’ve done some research on this myself recently and didn’t find anything of the sort. Although I’m not a “psychiatrist”.

@Molly2021

What are you on about?

I have siblings and I adore them. So clearly didn’t hit a nerve

But @JenPen2004 ploughing in and saying that only children are unable to discuss or debate… you honestly think that was not going to cause a heated and likely defensive response from…. Only children or parents of only children?

USUALLY children and adults from smaller households severally lack common social skills, which is factually true, I would know this as I am a psychiatrist

A psychiatrist, eh?

@Molly2021 is a psychiatrist and I am Marie of Romania.

Oh I missed that @steeple.

@Lweji

It's not the same. Just because at some point someone was not a mother it doesn't mean they will understand struggles of someone who desperately wants a baby and is not able to for years. And someone who had their children few years apart will not understand how it is to not be able to have another child as time passes. They are different experiences. I think that's what original poster meant.

Do you mean the OP, or the pp I originally replied to?
This is a tough one. If mothers on here don't have an only child themselves then it's really unfair to comment as you have no idea.

But, no.
This is a case of wanting or not to have a second child. Regardless of going to have or not a second child, we went through the process of deciding if we wanted a second, and how badly, or if we didn't want one at all.
We all had one child at some point. And we know how we felt with that one child, and if we wanted more or not.
I have an only child. It happened, but I didn't long for a second child like the OP. I have a good idea of what it is like to have an only child (he's 16), but I have no idea about wanting a second and husband not. Conversely, some mothers of 2 or 3 may understand how it feels to want more children but husband not. All of us have been through the stage of having only one child, though.
I'm running out of ways to explain this. But it seems like the goals are shifting somewhat.

I meant the person you replied to.

I'm a mother of one. I felt completely different when he was small and when I still had hopes for another child. If I went on to have another then I would have no idea how it is to feel how I feel now.
Knowing how it feels to have an only child is completely different to knowing how it feels to desperately want a bigger family when you can't.
Just as remembering how it was before you were a mother is not the same as wanting to become a mother and not having that chance.

And the difference is in desperate yearning, disappointment, grief for life you dreamed but cannot have and finally learning to accept. People who went on to have what they wanted do not go through all that difficult process.

@CraftMaker

As an only child with many friends who were born under the China One-Child Policy, I would say it is better to have more than one. It's just unfair for the full responsibility for your parents' hopes, dreams and ultimately for looking after them in old age to be put on one person.

That is what I would say to your DH.

Good luck OP x

Only child, this was not my experience at all.

@Kuachui

As a single child I'm angry that I don't have a sibling. Once my mum dies I have no one but my own kids which although still nice I'm then sad that they won't have cousins or a wider family that's why I'm planning on having quite a few kids so that they have a big family because i was always alone

Yes, and speaking as one of 11 children - I deliberately only had one child.

Works both ways.

Bonus is that my child had A LOT of cousins (20+).

She’s never lonely. She’s happy in her own company; she knows her own mind and trust me, she can argue with the best of them.

*has

Sounds like your husband has been traumatised by how difficult things were/are with your sons condition and could do with some therapy/couples therapy to help you both work through that. I suspect it has affected you too. Could he agree to that with the proviso there is no ulterior motive? Is there any genetic reason why another baby would/could be affected? Seems like there's lots to talk about.

I would not break up my existing child’s family and car crash their formative years as they wonder why they weren’t ‘enough’ for you, for the possibility of a totally hypothetical, imaginary second child, no.

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@Annamaywong25

I was in this position many years ago...... and let's just say my youngest child was a surprise to my DH, but not to me

So you purposefully got pregnant despite knowing your DH didn't want a child?

That would be stealth if you reverse the sexes. It's an awful thing to do to your partner, even if they adore the little one when they arrive.

You knowingly take away their agency and unilaterally take control of the next 18 years (absolute minimum) of their life.[/quote]
In my defence my dp refused to use contraception so the ball was in his court as I was unable to take the pill or have a coil at that time. He knew this obviously. The responsibility for contraception was firmly in his court but he refused to use it. I could have divorced him I suppose....

@DixonD

*has

The dynamics can vary as an only child. Like your own example your DD has a lot of cousins. This makes the world of difference compared to someone with hardly any cousins.

Did the op ever come back and clarify whether her partner had always had this stance

Or whether he has changed his mind

Obviously a rather different judgement depending on which one

@Annamaywong25

In my defence my dp refused to use contraception so the ball was in his court as I was unable to take the pill or have a coil at that time. He knew this obviously. The responsibility for contraception was firmly in his court but he refused to use it.

You originally said your baby was a surprise to him but not to you. Which means if he knew no contraception was being used... he's an idiot.

@Saladovercrispsanyday

Did the op ever come back and clarify whether her partner had always had this stance

Or whether he has changed his mind

Obviously a rather different judgement depending on which one

Hi no he was always happy to try again on a few occasions which led me to believe he was happy to try for another. But when it got around to trying he would always say he wasn't ready. Now it's just a flat out no and he can't see having another baby as an option. He feels to old (34) and to large of a gap between children. It's been taken of the table without any consideration of what or how I feel.