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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i'm being RIDICULOUS. help me stop feeling like this.

131 replies

lostinthestars · 17/09/2021 12:17

Namechanged.

Was with a male friend at a works do last night - we work in the same industry. I've known him a long time and we get on very, very well. Both longterm married, happily so, we have met each other's partners many times also and all get on brilliantly.

There's always been an attraction between us, and have been a bit flirtatious in the past…HOWEVER, we're both old enough and wise enough to know that chemistry happens. I wouldn't dream of having an affair, and neither would he.

The situation has always been okay, until last night when someone mistook us for a couple. We laughed it off, but afterwards, he proceeded to tell me all the reasons why IF we were a couple, it would be, in his words, ‘a total disaster’. This basically came down to us, in his view, being so similar and listing all the ways in which we are. Fine, whatever, but the way in which he was saying it was actually a bit nasty in tone and felt like something of a character assassination, even though he was saying that we’re the same. We were both a bit drunk, but I feel shaken and upset. There was a sort of implication that if we were both single he’d shag me but would never want to be WITH me, and….this hurts. I know this is totally ridiculous. We’ll never be together, we’re with other people – but he’s a friend and it just stung and his words are playing round in my head.

Can anyone help me get past this? xx

OP posts:
LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 17/09/2021 12:23

Its hard when your ego takes a dent.

Now you have a reason why he is a piece of shit. Someone who implies that you're good enough to shag but not be with isn't a very nice person, and definitely not a friend.

Are you really bothered about the opinion of someone like that?

Sonaftersonafterson · 17/09/2021 12:28

Weird that he would do this. To go to such effort. I would think it's a defence mechanism actually. Hes probably very into you but senses it will never go any further and that dents HIS ego, so this is his way of deflecting that.

Original poster
lostinthestars · 17/09/2021 12:29

I guess, just to elaborate a bit, I'm mainly annoyed with myself that I seem to care so much what he thinks and sort of feel, absurdly, rejected by him. He's entitled to his view, of course he is. What's upsetting is the way in which he spoke to me (it didn't really seem affectionate, it almost seemed a bit angry), but also his view of me.

OP posts:
Indigomint · 17/09/2021 12:31

Your 'friend' tore you to pieces verbally. That's why you're upset.

There was really no need for him to do that.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 17/09/2021 12:32

Hmm, I suspect he was actually trying to reassure both you and himself that he IS attracted but isn't going to act on it, and is looking for reasons to back that up. But being a bit pissed it came out really clumsy.

Looking back I've said very similar things to male friends before ("haha not a chance in hell, we'd probably murder each other before a week had gone by!") and now I'm feeling guilty 🙁

Justmuddlingalong · 17/09/2021 12:33

I think that because of the attraction, the alcohol and the chemistry, he's, in a ham fisted way, trying to draw a line that you both know you shouldn't crossed.

Original poster
lostinthestars · 17/09/2021 12:37

@LateDecemberBackInLowB12 - yes it does feel like my ego is dented and I'm cross with myself about that.

@Sonaftersonafterson - it did seem defensive yes, almost like he'd given it a huge amount of thought and come to the conclusion that I'd be SO WRONG for him.

The vibe between us in the past had always been, one of 'in another life...' - or so I thought. I thought we had the maturity to be friends who undeniably find each other a bit attractive, that it was fun and sparky for both of us. But last night it didn't feel like that. And I'm annoyed that I seem to care so much.

OP posts:
TokyoTammy · 17/09/2021 12:39

I would suggest in a way it was enjoyable to have that possibility in the air and that it was a thrill to think what might happen. A fantasy to enjoy. But now he's just thrown a bucket of cold water on that fantasy and told you how he really sees you, which doesn't align with what you thought he felt.

This would be a big ego dent and also make you second guess the signals you were picking up.

Athrawes · 17/09/2021 12:42

He's just been really clumsy in putting down a boundary. The flirting was fun but he got a bit scared and went too far and drew a really big line in the sand.
Give him a couple of days and just carry on being friends. Pull back on the flirting a bit as he obviously feels a wee bit uncomfortable.

Original poster
lostinthestars · 17/09/2021 12:47

@Indigomint - funny, it feels like I've been torn to pieces, even though all these shared 'qualities' were supposedly complimentary. 'We are both x and y and z, and that's why together we wouldn't work.'

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation - if this were a friend that I'd always felt 100 percent platonically about then maybe I wouldn't feel upset by what he'd said. Not proud of myself.

He's been pretty clear in the past he finds me physically attractive, the feeling is mutual - okay not great, but we're adults and I'd thought we'd just moved past that. It ultimately felt like 'well, I might quite fancy you but here's why I'd never want to be with you'

OP posts:
PinotPony · 17/09/2021 12:48

I'd question whether he actually thinks that or whether he's just saying it to ensure you both know where you stand... it sounds defensive to me...

Original poster
lostinthestars · 17/09/2021 12:55

I'm the first to admit that I rather enjoyed the spark and the flirtation - we always have fun together and get on so well. Fully aware this sounds like dangerous territory but again, it felt manageable in the past.

If anything, he's the one who has slightly crossed lines before. I get the long lingering looks blah blah, the suggestion of drinks after work etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostinthestars · 17/09/2021 12:58

@TokyoTammy - yes. Not sure I've misread his attraction to me, but his view of me as a personality and why we'd be so bad together doesn't align with what I thought at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostinthestars · 17/09/2021 12:59

It actually just feels so hurtful and I'm so angry with myself that I seem to CARE so much.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 17/09/2021 13:00

He is not your friend.

At first before you said he was nasty, I thought he might just be clarifying to you that he wadnt interested in order to prevent discomfort going forwards.

But no, he full on character assasinatef you. I suspect you maybe reacted (in his mind) too 'eew, no' to the ppl that made comments about you being a couple. And his ego took a dent so he lashed out. Or, he is butt hurt because he actually thought you fancied him

Either way, distance yourself from him a lot. He is not a nice man. And not your friend.

Suzi888 · 17/09/2021 13:04

Well perhaps he’s right, maybe you are too similar. Not sure why he felt the need to mention it but he was drunk.
What traits is he referring to? Are they good or bad.
I think you are really overthinking this. What if he’s said, we are so similar let’s get together? Confused

Suzi888 · 17/09/2021 13:05
  • he’d
Original poster
lostinthestars · 17/09/2021 13:07

@Pinkbonbon - hmmm. I didn't react in an 'ewww' way when someone suggested we were a couple. If anything it was him that said 'imagine what a disaster that would be!' I was a bit surprised, asked why...and then he launched into 'oh well we are SO similar' etc etc.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 17/09/2021 13:09

Sounds like a sort of 'negging' to me.

Original poster
lostinthestars · 17/09/2021 13:13

@Suzi888 - well, the traits were along the lines of outgoing, extravert, loves a drink and a good time, adventurous etc. None of this is untrue - and of course, our similarities are the reason why we get on so well and why we feel a connection (or so I thought).

He said I was 'wild and spirited'. Perhaps a slight implication that I'm like him, but that's too MUCH in a woman, and that's annoying in itself too.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostinthestars · 17/09/2021 13:15

@Pinkbonbon - I don't know what 'negging' is! Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
lostinthestars · 17/09/2021 13:19

Just googled negging. Don't think so. He's not the manipulative type. He was, I thought, a fun, twinkly affectionate type. But it didn't feel like that when he was telling me all the reasons why he'd never want to be married to me Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
lostinthestars · 17/09/2021 13:20

And I KNOW we are both married to other people. I KNOW this is really stupid. But I'm so hurt by what he said, and I don't know how to move on.

OP posts:
Zilla1 · 17/09/2021 13:23

If you want to get past it OP then rationalise it as his attempt to avoid any risk of sounding like he was trying it on and facing a sexual harassment dispute that he went overboard about why you both were unsuited. If you think you were suited if not married then he'd have to grasp at straws.

Good luck.

EarringsandLipstick · 17/09/2021 13:27

Ah OP, I feel sorry for you. You're annoyed with yourself, but who with the feel hurt by this?

I think he really likes you, more than a passing physical flirtation. The strong denial that you'd work as a couple, and diminishing you seems part of a way to hide these feelings, from you and him.

I think overall it's dangerous territory. It's very hard for there to be a mutual attraction, without, ultimately, one person feeling it more than the other. You are both married, this has mess & disaster written all over it.

Also, your reaction suggests that you, too, have stronger feelings that you realised.

No drama, but minimise your interactions, completely cut off that 'friendship' part.