i'm being RIDICULOUS. help me stop feeling like this.

[lostinthestars]

Namechanged.

Was with a male friend at a works do last night - we work in the same industry. I've known him a long time and we get on very, very well. Both longterm married, happily so, we have met each other's partners many times also and all get on brilliantly.

There's always been an attraction between us, and have been a bit flirtatious in the past…HOWEVER, we're both old enough and wise enough to know that chemistry happens. I wouldn't dream of having an affair, and neither would he.

The situation has always been okay, until last night when someone mistook us for a couple. We laughed it off, but afterwards, he proceeded to tell me all the reasons why IF we were a couple, it would be, in his words, ‘a total disaster’. This basically came down to us, in his view, being so similar and listing all the ways in which we are. Fine, whatever, but the way in which he was saying it was actually a bit nasty in tone and felt like something of a character assassination, even though he was saying that we’re the same. We were both a bit drunk, but I feel shaken and upset. There was a sort of implication that if we were both single he’d shag me but would never want to be WITH me, and….this hurts. I know this is totally ridiculous. We’ll never be together, we’re with other people – but he’s a friend and it just stung and his words are playing round in my head.

Can anyone help me get past this? xx

@likeahurricane - thank you for kind post. That's exactly it - I do feel ashamed. Ashamed that this has had such an impact on me when I thought we actually had quite a lovely friendship and connection, where we'd been quite 'adult' about any sexual chemistry that's there. I'm also ashamed that I care so much WHAT he thinks, if that makes sense.

Because it's obviously not a good or healthy friendship if he would speak to me like that and that it's left me all shaken up. I just feel so sad about it really.

I think people are missing your description of the way in which he spoke to you!
Someone that you think you know well and who you respect & like has delivered a character assassination in an aggressive and dismissive manner showing you no respect or concern for your feelings.

I think most of us would be hurt by that wouldn't we even if it was a female friend that delivered it. It's hurtful and unnecessary.

If it had been delivered with a wink and a smile I don't think you'd feel like this!

Blimey op I don't know whether to berate you for bing a rubbish friend, a rubbish wife or rubbish at reading signals before getting into an affair.

It's a fail.

I don't mean to be harsh but you have rather laid yourself open on here just as you have laid yourself open to him.
You gave him the opportunity to reject you and if I were you I wouldn't go anywhere near him, he could have done it with a bit more kindness.

You have to be careful with some men, for all you know this could backfire and he could well be telling his wife that you chased him, problems you don't need.

Some men like the ego trip just to know "you would' and then letting you know they think you are not good enough for them.

It hurts but in future try not to trust men so much, because as much as you thought it was 'controllable' , you wern't in control.

Some ego trips end badly.

You sound very self-absorbed.

@lostinthestars so now, please be a bit kinder to yourself and forgive yourself ok? Forget about the whys, etc. It's never ending, exhausting and pointless really as you'll never find a true answer. Although admittedly, you may need to take a little time to work through those feelings, but you will. You know you will. And as @TeamRick says, if any female friend had treated and spoken to you like this, it would have really hurt and upset you too.

I guess by listening to what he said and not stopping the conversation - you let him tell you why a relationship between you wouldn't work (even if had done so kindly, this is what you allowed to happen) - you have put your cards on the table, so to speak. You have confirmed to him that you have thought of a relationship with him (as clearly he has with you). That's crossing a line from flirtation and friendship.

In the same situation I'd feel hurt too. But also berate myself for allowing any of it to happen. A better response would have been to laugh off the very idea and not allow him to even explain his reasons why you two wouldn't work.

Nurture your negative feelings towards him. You need them to persuade you to pull away from this man. You have been playing with fire. Be grateful he has tried to put it out. Don't dwell on what he said. He may not mean any of it. He may be on the defensive. But take heed of the message.

It's the nasty tone which seems to have stung.
Like he almost had a distain for you.

That would hurt from anyone you thought you were close to.

Sounds like you've been blind sided by the nasty tone.

I suspect it's the drink and it's effect on him.

You should withdraw from him. Drink is no excuse for getting nasty.

Be kind to yourself. It's ok to be hurt by this.
You can pick yourself up tomorrow.

And be glad he's not your DH if he's a nasty drunk.

I think it was helpful. Instead of humiliating yourself and now coming for more online, talk to the man you chose to marry.

I think he was unnerved and is frightened of anything actually developing so went OTT about why it wouldn’t work. Try not to take it personally

I totally get why you feel the way you do, for someone you thought of as a friend to say those things.

I don’t think he was creating a boundary by what he said. Someone above said it better than me but someone mistaking you for a couple (which isn’t a great sign for your friendship) made him annoyed about what he doesn’t have.

I know you say neither of you would let anything happen but I really would keep your distance. The lingering looks and suggestion of drinks plus the way you have been feeling could lead into something before you know it’s happening.

You won’t feel like this for long.

Good luck!

You've found out that a friendship isnt what it seemed, and that maybe the friend isn't what you thought. Normal to feel hurt about that. Give yourself a break, the hurt will pass. Maybe give this friend a miss too.

I don't understand this "mutual flirtation / attraction".

It sounds like you're besotted with him but he's happy with his wife?

This is the relationship board not AIBU - no reason to wade in to give the OP a kicking!

She's explained numerous times - it wasn't necessarily what he said but how he said it!

Oh fgs.

Everything is so black and white in Lego land for some people isn't it?

It doesn't make you better: stating the 'rule' and then pointing at other's human frailty in not sticking to it absolutely.

It makes you unimaginative sanctimonious simpletons.

Married people having complex unresolved feelings for others...
Imagine!!
Burn them!!!

Or at least belittle them for their pathetic weakness.

Why?

Everyone is weak and pathetic in some way. Even you sanctimonious types.
Especially you in fact.

You're upset because your feelings for him are stringer than you'll admit (even to yourself) and he's just rejected you and stopped your emotional affair dead in its tracks. Either that or he's trying to lead you into attempting to prove him wrong.

@lostinthestars I have a similar thread on the go..if I knew how to link I would...but its about a work crush.
We have acknowledged that we were getting too close and have agreed to step back. All fine. But like you I am taken aback by how much it has affected me. The chat,the spark as you call it...I didn't realise how reliant on it I was and how much I'd miss it.
Sensible posters have told me what I know to be true...step back and it will fade with time..I'm sorry he reacted like that to you

He was really just talking to himself. He having a word with himself, hence the harsh tone.

@MalagaNights

Oh fgs.

Everything is so black and white in Lego land for some people isn't it?

It doesn't make you better: stating the 'rule' and then pointing at other's human frailty in not sticking to it absolutely.

It makes you unimaginative sanctimonious simpletons.

Married people having complex unresolved feelings for others...
Imagine!!
Burn them!!!

Or at least belittle them for their pathetic weakness.

Why?

Everyone is weak and pathetic in some way. Even you sanctimonious types.
Especially you in fact.

Of course you're right...

Married people having complex unresolved feelings for others, it must be awful and well worthy of any unimaginative simpleton's sympathy.

If only we could understand the choices you are presented with on a daily basis, whether or not to flirt with someone, whether or not to sleep with someone or to have an emotional affair with someone.

These choices must be hellish, on the other hand many of these "not everthing is black and white ' brigade don't often extend the courtesy of allowing their married partners the choices that they enjoy and afford themselves.

No many seem to lie and decieve and keep that information all to themselves so they themselves are not hurt by the same choices of their partners having these complex unresolved feelings for others.

Quite sanctimonious that don't you think, that one person is allowed a choice in a marriage and the other is not, you types must be superior.

Like you say everyone is weak and pathetic in some way, but the best way is when someone is lying, decieving and betraying you behind your back.
Yes that makes you feel very pathetic.

I can't help thinking he was overreacting, when drunk, to feeling exposed when you were mistaken as a couple. Some kind of automatic defence mechanism kicked in and he overdid the denials. Methinks he doth protest too much! He probably spilled out all the things that he tells himself if ever he's felt tempted to think about you wistfully as the greener grass. x

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders

He was really just talking to himself. He having a word with himself, hence the harsh tone.

Yes, I absolutely think this.

You and your partners have a Venn diagram where the overlaps and boundaries must be very carefully managed, so that nothing ever blurs into disloyalty or betrayal. The things he said are his rationalisations for being happy with the status quo, and he needs those firmly in place, especially when drunk and when someone has mistaken you for a couple -- that must have spooked him.

OP, I think he's done you a massive favour. It sounds as though you were drifting into an emotional affair or certainly that your feelings towards him were more than friendship, you might have felt you had a handle on it but the way you are feeling now shows that your feelings were perhaps deeper than you anticipated. This has been a blessing in disguise even though it might be hurtful, also he sounds like a right creep hinting that he'd fuck you but wouldn't want to marry you, would you want to even be with someone like that anyway?

I think you’re at a really dangerous place in your friendship/relationship now.

You won’t be able to help acting a bit more stand-offish to him. He won’t understand why, and will chase you for explanations. Your feelings will come tumbling out, so will his, and BOOM. You’re in an emotional affair.

My crystal ball is very accurate on things like this. Seen it a million times.

When spending time as couples, the dynamic has been ‘friendly and respectful, and your spouses have never ‘picked up on anything threatening whatsoever.’ However, behind their backs, it is the If only vibe and loaded lingering looks and sparky & flirty and going for drinks and being mistaken as a couple. You’ve both sought validation from the ego boosts and sexual frisson. In my marriage this would be emotional infidelity.

His pushing you away with harsh devaluation was inexcusable. I think he was compelled to create distance when the reality and consequences of your flirtation smacked him in the face. Your intimate behavior actually caused others to assume you are a couple. Think of how humiliated and unsettled your H and his W would be if they had witnessed this…or heard about it.

I hope you will keep your distance from him. I agree with @TheStoic. There is now a risk of an escalation that will hurt many people.