i'm being RIDICULOUS. help me stop feeling like this.

[lostinthestars]

Namechanged.

Was with a male friend at a works do last night - we work in the same industry. I've known him a long time and we get on very, very well. Both longterm married, happily so, we have met each other's partners many times also and all get on brilliantly.

There's always been an attraction between us, and have been a bit flirtatious in the past…HOWEVER, we're both old enough and wise enough to know that chemistry happens. I wouldn't dream of having an affair, and neither would he.

The situation has always been okay, until last night when someone mistook us for a couple. We laughed it off, but afterwards, he proceeded to tell me all the reasons why IF we were a couple, it would be, in his words, ‘a total disaster’. This basically came down to us, in his view, being so similar and listing all the ways in which we are. Fine, whatever, but the way in which he was saying it was actually a bit nasty in tone and felt like something of a character assassination, even though he was saying that we’re the same. We were both a bit drunk, but I feel shaken and upset. There was a sort of implication that if we were both single he’d shag me but would never want to be WITH me, and….this hurts. I know this is totally ridiculous. We’ll never be together, we’re with other people – but he’s a friend and it just stung and his words are playing round in my head.

Can anyone help me get past this? xx

Hi OP
I’m not sure the space you were in, both fancying each other and being very close friends was as healthy or sustainable as you describe it as. It sounds as if when the person assumed you were together he panicked and tried to draw a big line in the sand to protect you both and your partners. I’d back off from the flirting and focus on your creating more of a spark in your marriage. I don’t think he does think anything negative about you, probably the opposite. However what’s the point in dwelling on that as someone is going to end up hurt.

Hmm, I suspect he was actually trying to reassure both you and himself that he IS attracted but isn't going to act on it, and is looking for reasons to back that up. But being a bit pissed it came out really clumsy

I also think this is what it sounds like. I've encountered this dynamic before. There's a mutual attraction but neither party wants to actually cheat, then one or both gets spooked one time that things are getting just a bit toooo close. (Here it was probably that a third party noticed the closeness to the extent they mistook you for a couple.) And his reaction in a clumsy, joking way was confirming to you and himself that there would be no affair resulting from the attraction.

I can tell you are stung but it's probably a good thing you've been pulled up sharp.

He’s done you a massive favour and put distance between you. He obviously sensed the temptation was there and nipped it in the bud. If someone thought you were a couple, sounds like you’d got far too comfortable with him.

You’re upset because you thought you had a chance with him. And he’s said clearly there is no chance.

Your ego is bruised because you liked that he fancied you.

You’re saying your ‘friendship’ was respectful and you wouldn’t cross a line because you’re both married and in the same post say you flirted with each other.

You’re pissed off that you couldn’t actually have him if you wanted (as you thought you could), because he’s said he’s not interested and put forward a thought out argument. It’s upsetting you that you think he’s thought about a relationship with you and built up a list of negatives against the why he doesn’t like you.

The fact you’re over thinking this and posting on here, shows you were drifting very much into emotional affair territory.

I’d be so hurt if my DH had a flirtatious affair with someone at work and then spent ages being upset when they rejected him.

Step back and cut interaction with this man to strictly professional level. Stop flirting and the ‘friendship’. Invest that energy in your relationship with your husband.

To be fair op you did ask.

I would be very surprised if your spouses haven't noticed. I don't think this is a healthy friendship and it's disrespectful to your spouse.

I would be upset by a character assassination from anyone I think, no matter what the nature of our relationship. I'm well aware of my faults, I don't need anyone to list them out for me.

And yes, if there's been a vibe of 'one that got away' hanging over the whole thing then of course you're upset. I agree with everyone else, it's a good warning sign that maybe things were sliding into something inappropriate, but I don't think you're unreasonable for being hurt.

Yes, I'm really aware that I need to pull back and I've surprised and annoyed myself by how this episode has made me feel.

However, I think some of the responses on here are a bit harsh in all honesty. If we were both entirely 'selfish' and 'egotistical' then we'd have just started up an affair already, surely? There's been the opportunity, but neither of us have acted on it and wouldn't. Of course it's possible - and normal - to be attracted to other people. Like I said before, we're married, not dead.

Equally, it's not that he 'rejected' me - I didn't make a pass at him or anything like that to have him turn me down. There was nothing TO reject. It was more the way in which he spoke to me was unnerving, and upsetting, and NOW I'm left questioning both myself and our entire friendship, if that makes sense.

@frazzledasarock - big big difference between a bit of flirtation and appreciation between friends and a full on physical affair! I wasn't thinking I 'had a chance' with him. I was thinking he's a friend I have a bit of a spark with.

And fine, if he's given it thought as to why we would be so terrible together if neither of us were married, that's up to him, but the accusatory tone of his words were upsetting. Yes, his point was 'we're too similar and relationships need balance' - again, fine, but the list of 'you're all THIS' wasn't a way I'd speak to any friend, male or female, attraction or not.

If we were both entirely 'selfish' and 'egotistical' then we'd have just started up an affair already, surely?
That "already" is quite telling, don't you think?

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Hmm, I suspect he was actually trying to reassure both you and himself that he IS attracted but isn't going to act on it, and is looking for reasons to back that up. But being a bit pissed it came out really clumsy.

Looking back I've said very similar things to male friends before ("haha not a chance in hell, we'd probably murder each other before a week had gone by!") and now I'm feeling guilty 🙁

My thoughts exactly - I suspect he was giving himself reasons not to act on the chemistry that is clearly there. Still hurtful and I’d feel the same though OP x

it's not that he 'rejected' me

You don't have to ask someone for their attentions in order to feel rejected by them. You could walk up to someone in the street and say 'I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last person in the world - I don't even like to look at your face', and they'd probably feel rejection feelings, even if they'd never met you before. Feelings aren't as cut and dried as 'I asked him and he said no'... there's all sorts of nuances that have gone on between you. If someone flirts with you and then tells you straight out that they don't want you, that's rejection.

@Justmuddlingalong - not quite sure what you mean? We're friends. There's undeniably a bit of an attraction between us. Because we are married, and because we're not home-wrecking idiots thinking with our dicks, as it were, all we can ever be is friends. That's fine, and we can be adults about it (or so I thought). If we were such horrible people, I think we'd be in a very different situation here.

@thefoundations - yes, I guess you are right on a level. There was an undertone of 'you're the sort of girl I might fuck but never marry. Because you are like this....' which was just kind of unpleasant regardless of who I am to him, and a different side to what I've seen to him before.

Someone else told me that he can get aggressive when drunk, and I'd never seen that before, even though I've seen him drinking on many occasions.

[quote lostinthestars]@frazzledasarock - big big difference between a bit of flirtation and appreciation between friends and a full on physical affair! I wasn't thinking I 'had a chance' with him. I was thinking he's a friend I have a bit of a spark with.

And fine, if he's given it thought as to why we would be so terrible together if neither of us were married, that's up to him, but the accusatory tone of his words were upsetting. Yes, his point was 'we're too similar and relationships need balance' - again, fine, but the list of 'you're all THIS' wasn't a way I'd speak to any friend, male or female, attraction or not.[/quote]
He is accusatory because he's angry at the situation. You can't be a couple and he clearly isn't neutral about that or nothing would have been said at all. The comment from the stranger brought it to the fore, he felt frustrated and upset by how he felt and he took it out on you, would be my guess. Men often blame women if they are attracted to them but can't have them.

you're the sort of girl I might fuck but never marry

Ew. Sleaze. Doesn't that turn you right off? And if not, why not??

Here’s a virtual slap. This isn’t about him. Your ego and your narrative of your relationship with this man, has taken a dent.

Hopefully, the strength of your reaction to his rebuke is a wake up call about how inappropriate your behaviour has been.

@TheFoundations - yeah, it is sleazy, and it does turn me off him as a character. But more than that, it just makes me feel bad about myself (even though it shouldn't) and our friendship.

I THOUGHT that we had a mutual appreciation (just as I might think any men would be lucky to be married to my close female friends, say), with a bit of attraction thrown in (okay, yes, potentially tricky but we'd never let it become tricky). Then he does this, and it makes me question everything - including myself and the strength of my feelings. I shouldn't be upset. I should just be thinking 'don't be a drunken arsehole', but I am upset.

It’s a bit cringey that your sitting agonising over some bloke from work, typing out paragraphs. Why not talk to your husband about it? 😂

*you’re

@NowEvenBetter - fully aware I'm being ridiculous, as I've said. And it is a bit 'cringey' yes. But I feel upset about it, and came on here for advice and thoughts, a lot of which has been helpful. Not sure posts like yours really are though

Give it a bit of time, hopefully you’ll feel less hurt and move towards indifference.

Bloke sounds like an idiot.

However, I think some of the responses on here are a bit harsh in all honesty.

You asked people to help you stop feeling the way you are. Hurt and rejected and mooning over some married man. Hence the 'harsh' responses - people are doing what you asked and trying to tell you what you and your 'friendship' look like from an outside perspective. It looks sleazy and ugly, and your behaviour reflects badly on you both. I'd hope that reflecting on that would help you to realise you have gone down a wrong path here and you need to stop.

It seems you have a pattern of getting upset when people don't tell you what you want to hear?

@beastlyslumber - I do take your point. Yes, he is a married man, and I'm a married woman...but we've known each other a long time and I thought - over and above any hint of attraction, that we were, in fact, good friends. But he didn't speak to me like I was a good friend. Perhaps even if he'd said all that but in an affectionate/respectful way, it would have been okay....but instead, it felt like he was having quite a 'go' at me, which has made me feel awful about everything - including myself.

You are totally overthinking this. You don't want to be with him. He doesn't want to be with you. He blurted out a list of reasons why not. You didn't feel great about it. So what? Get over it. Be grateful he didn't say all that in an 'affectionate' way - sounds like you would have fallen all over him if he had. It would have intensified all these exciting dangerous feelings.

Now you know that he has put the definite stop to anything more happening between you, ask yourself why you were willing to engage in this behaviour with him in the first place. Do you need attention? Is it an ego thing? Narcissistic tendencies (his/yours/both)? People pleasing? Low self esteem? This is not the behaviour of a decent, well-balanced person, so be grateful you've been stopped in your tracks, get over your hurt feelings, and take the chance to reflect and improve on yourself. You were lucky this happened. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start being grateful.

Hiya, @lostinthestars. I don't thing you've done anything wrong at all. You can't help how you feel about him, its impossible as it's simply how you feel and so far, you've conducted yourself with total grace as far as I can see.
I think you should take the focus off him (he's really not a nice person, he's shown you that) and concentrate on yourself. Do you feel ashamed? Ashamed about how you feel about him, ashamed that you thought so much better of him than he is, ashamed about the things he said to you, ashamed that they've hurt you so much? ? It sounds like you do and I promise you that that is a completely normal reaction and recognising that, really recognising it, may well be the first step towards you getting over this and moving forward. So try that on and sit with it for a while. I really, really hope that helps lovely