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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

i'm being RIDICULOUS. help me stop feeling like this.

131 replies

lostinthestars · 17/09/2021 12:17

Namechanged.

Was with a male friend at a works do last night - we work in the same industry. I've known him a long time and we get on very, very well. Both longterm married, happily so, we have met each other's partners many times also and all get on brilliantly.

There's always been an attraction between us, and have been a bit flirtatious in the past…HOWEVER, we're both old enough and wise enough to know that chemistry happens. I wouldn't dream of having an affair, and neither would he.

The situation has always been okay, until last night when someone mistook us for a couple. We laughed it off, but afterwards, he proceeded to tell me all the reasons why IF we were a couple, it would be, in his words, ‘a total disaster’. This basically came down to us, in his view, being so similar and listing all the ways in which we are. Fine, whatever, but the way in which he was saying it was actually a bit nasty in tone and felt like something of a character assassination, even though he was saying that we’re the same. We were both a bit drunk, but I feel shaken and upset. There was a sort of implication that if we were both single he’d shag me but would never want to be WITH me, and….this hurts. I know this is totally ridiculous. We’ll never be together, we’re with other people – but he’s a friend and it just stung and his words are playing round in my head.

Can anyone help me get past this? xx

OP posts:

peboh · 17/09/2021 14:24

Of course you'll find people outside of your marriage attractive, it makes you human. What isn't acceptable is skirting the lines of that friendship. You admit you have a flirtatious relationship, have you considered how your husband would feel? I wouldn't be happy knowing my husband found a woman attracted, and then decided to flirt with them. You're testing boundaries. Would you be okay with your husband behaving the way you have?

Original poster

lostinthestars · 17/09/2021 14:33

@User8934593243 and @beastlyslumber - you're both right. I just feel thrown and upset because I did indeed think this was fun, not dangerous. But the way I've been left feeling today is anything but fun. I just feel very stupid and annoyed at my own feelings.

@cloudacious - yes, those are wise words. Thing is, I thought we were emotionally close as friends, they like and respect each other. And yes he was saying we are very alike - he's not wrong - but the way in which he was telling me all the things I supposedly am (and all the reasons why that might make me a bad person to be married to) felt pretty brutal.

OP posts:

Original poster

lostinthestars · 17/09/2021 14:36

@peboh - I probably wouldn't be happy if my dh was as preoccupied by a similar situation as I am today, no. BUT I wouldn't be unhappy with him having a friendship with another woman he fancies a bit and gets on really well with. We've been together for decades, he might well have had a similar situation crop up in the past - though I'm confident he'd never act on anything (as I haven't).

OP posts:

Autumndays123 · 17/09/2021 14:36

I'm sorry it felt brutal that a married man told you he didn't want a relationship with you. I imagine his wife would feel the way you've been behaving with her husband is pretty brutal too

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 17/09/2021 14:42

I don’t know why guys do this but I just wanted to let you know you weren’t alone! I think they’re maybe looking for some sort of ego boost by trying to get you to say that you’re attracted to them and pretending that they’re having to fight you off.

A male friend did this to me once - bearing in mind that although we were good friends I had never even been 1% attracted to him. He seemed convinced that I was harbouring some sort of crush on him! The truth was I actually found him physically repellent since the day I met him he had awful BO every day and that he would never be my type even in theory as he had awful teeth (huge no go for me). Typically, I didn’t want to offend him so said nothing!

Justmuddlingalong · 17/09/2021 14:45

I would be very hurt if my DP had the "in another life" conversation with another women. That goes way beyond a close friendship IMO.

Original poster

lostinthestars · 17/09/2021 14:49

@Autumndays123 - it didn't feel brutal that a married man told me why he didn't want a relationship with me. It felt brutal that a good male friend essentially judged my personality in what felt like quite a negative tone.

For what it's worth, I mentioned that we have spent quite a large amount of time with each other's spouses, and it's never been anything but friendly and respectful between all of us. My DH, nor his wife, have ever picked up on anything threatening whatsoever.

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 17/09/2021 14:50

Have you mentioned to you DH how and why you're feeling upset today?

Original poster

lostinthestars · 17/09/2021 14:53

@Justmuddlingalong - well, it was more along the lines of 'here's why I wouldn't want to be with you in any life' tbh, which is why I'm upset (and cross with myself for being so).

OP posts:

Whatwouldnanado · 17/09/2021 14:55

I would steer clear of him in future if you can, put this out of your mind and concentrate on your relationship with your Dh.

RickOShay · 17/09/2021 14:57

Mmmmmm. I think he protests too much myself.
If he had honestly never thought about it, or everything was cool, he would have just laughed that comment off.
I think he HAS thought about having a relationship with you, and so went over the top to cover himself.

FawnFrenchieMum · 17/09/2021 15:01

I’m confused tbh, if he was saying all the characteristics you share then how was that being nasty. Unless he hates himself then surely he likes that you are like him?! Would that work if your together 24/7 probably not.

MancMum2000 · 17/09/2021 15:01

Totally agree with RickoShay above. I even wonder whether his ego is bruised because you haven’t tried to have an affair with him, and this lashing out is coming from a place of feeling rejected by you.

leavesthataregreen · 17/09/2021 15:02

It sounds like he's protesting too much. Like a teenage boy who tries to neg a girl he really likes.

You could tell him you found his behaviour a bit aggressive and demeaning. Or you could ignore it as no big deal.

He has revealed an off-putting side to himself which might help you move past the attraction.

leavesthataregreen · 17/09/2021 15:04

@SweetBabyCheeses99

This is quite common. The amount of times being friendly to a man is misconstrued as flirting bores and depresses me. They all think we can't wait to dive into their mediocre pants.

Notonmywitch · 17/09/2021 15:07

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Hmm, I suspect he was actually trying to reassure both you and himself that he IS attracted but isn't going to act on it, and is looking for reasons to back that up. But being a bit pissed it came out really clumsy.

Looking back I've said very similar things to male friends before ("haha not a chance in hell, we'd probably murder each other before a week had gone by!") and now I'm feeling guilty 🙁

I agree

Original poster

lostinthestars · 17/09/2021 15:10

@RickOShay - well, yes, it did sound like he'd thought about it fairly extensively, but supposedly come to the conclusion 'what a nightmare THAT would be.'

@FawnFrenchieMum - mmm. It was more like this 'you are just like me. We are so similar. You are x and y and z' - and when he started going on and on about how I have those traits, the tone was a bit nasty.

OP posts:

SeaShoreGalore · 17/09/2021 15:11

Ten to one you’re going to want to have a ‘let’s clear this up’ conversation, that only ends up moving things forward...

HunkyPunk · 17/09/2021 15:13

I thought we had the maturity to be friends who undeniably find each other a bit attractive, that it was fun and sparky for both of us

That’s pretty dangerous territory, imo.
Maybe he came to that realisation as a result of the assumption that you were a couple, and felt he needed to distance himself, albeit in a hamfisted, drunken way. When that assumption was made, do you think you came across as being pleased about it?

Dery · 17/09/2021 15:13

"Hmm, I suspect he was actually trying to reassure both you and himself that he IS attracted but isn't going to act on it, and is looking for reasons to back that up. But being a bit pissed it came out really clumsy."

I think it's this, too.

But your degree of upset and some of the comments you have made show that this isn't really as innocent as you and perhaps he liked to kid yourselves that it was. For all you both know you'd never have an affair, you might be a bit dismayed if your DH was behaving like this and his DW might not be wild about it either. So perhaps time to take a step back anyway and be glad it's come about this way rather than something that might have really serious fallout.

1forAll74 · 17/09/2021 15:15

You don't need to get past this really, just forget about it. If drink was involved here, people open up, and usually tell you their true feelings at the time of drinking..There is nothing to be done about this, except that you have seen the man in a different light now. I wouldn't be upset at all, there is no accounting for what people might say or think at times.

beastlyslumber · 17/09/2021 15:18

Yeah I'm sorry but this truly is ridiculous. You're feeling sorry for yourself because someone you don't want to be with doesn't want to be with you. Did you not notice that he was already married so presumably prefers his wife to you? You are married too and should never have let it get to this point. Conducting this flirtation has been hugely disrespectful to your husband and your friend. Now you've developed feelings and you're sad because you feel rejected? What did you want him to say? That he thinks you're wonderful and so much better for him than his wife (your friend) and if only he could be with such an awesome woman his life would be complete?

It sounds like you are both egotistical and selfish people, getting off on playing a silly game and telling yourselves it's fine. It's not fine and instead of wallowing in this 'poor me, why doesn't he love me' bs, you need to sort yourself out, end the friendship, and work on your personality.

RickOShay · 17/09/2021 15:23

@lostinthestars
I don’t think so. The reverse in fact. He was on a cover up.

aboutbloodytime123 · 17/09/2021 15:38

Oh my goodness you've reminded me that I did this once, many years ago, when I was younger, someone made a comment about me and a male friend who I did in fact fancy like mad but I was so mortified to have it mentioned, especially in front of him that I instantly went into overdrive - what HIM! No way! I don't fancy him in fact I can't stand him... 🙈🙈🙈

5128gap · 17/09/2021 15:45

I think he has feelings for you, or, less likely but possible, thinks you may have them for him and wants to make sure the situation is clear. Why would a nice guy who is a long term friend suddenly change into a nasty piece of work intent on telling you everything wrong with you? People just don't do that to their friends unless there's something else going on on their heads. He's either convincing himself you're not suited or thinks he needs to convince you.

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