i'm being RIDICULOUS. help me stop feeling like this.

[lostinthestars]

Namechanged.

Was with a male friend at a works do last night - we work in the same industry. I've known him a long time and we get on very, very well. Both longterm married, happily so, we have met each other's partners many times also and all get on brilliantly.

There's always been an attraction between us, and have been a bit flirtatious in the past…HOWEVER, we're both old enough and wise enough to know that chemistry happens. I wouldn't dream of having an affair, and neither would he.

The situation has always been okay, until last night when someone mistook us for a couple. We laughed it off, but afterwards, he proceeded to tell me all the reasons why IF we were a couple, it would be, in his words, ‘a total disaster’. This basically came down to us, in his view, being so similar and listing all the ways in which we are. Fine, whatever, but the way in which he was saying it was actually a bit nasty in tone and felt like something of a character assassination, even though he was saying that we’re the same. We were both a bit drunk, but I feel shaken and upset. There was a sort of implication that if we were both single he’d shag me but would never want to be WITH me, and….this hurts. I know this is totally ridiculous. We’ll never be together, we’re with other people – but he’s a friend and it just stung and his words are playing round in my head.

Can anyone help me get past this? xx

Sounds like it's gone past a little crush OP, and that's why it's hurting you.

Honestly I'd take it as a warning sign and try to back off for the sake of my real relationship.

@Zilla1 - I don't think it's like that tbh. We're the same industry, but he's not my boss or anything.

@EarringsandLipstick

Ah OP, I feel sorry for you. You're annoyed with yourself, but who with the feel hurt by this?

I think he really likes you, more than a passing physical flirtation. The strong denial that you'd work as a couple, and diminishing you seems part of a way to hide these feelings, from you and him.

I think overall it's dangerous territory. It's very hard for there to be a mutual attraction, without, ultimately, one person feeling it more than the other. You are both married, this has mess & disaster written all over it.

Also, your reaction suggests that you, too, have stronger feelings that you realised.

No drama, but minimise your interactions, completely cut off that 'friendship' part.

I think this is very solid advice.

If this incident is taking up so much headspace OP then I think it's a risky dynamic best avoided.

I would take this as a warning sign. You're upset because you would have liked him to tell you all the reasons you would work together. You're in dangerous waters, and now is the time to back out of them. Distance yourself. I can't imagine why you've kept up a flirting style friendship with a man you're attracted to and know the feeling is mutual anyway when you're both married.

Well, he has rejected you, and it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but you're allowed to feel hurt.

Can't you be nice to the bit of yourself that's hurting, rather than telling it to SHT UP, YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.

How do you expect that to make any part of you feel better/loved/reassured/safe/etc?

but who with the feel hurt by this?

This mangled sentence in my post should have been 'but who wouldn't feel hurt by this' (ie I understand your hurt). Was impossible to figure out from that mass of typos! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Manipulative types are often fun, extra enthusiastic and very keen on making you feel good ect...in the beginning. There is often such a...chemistry. Like you just bounce off one another so well. And then...things change...

Yes, you could just have misunderstood him last night...but really, I say, if someone says something that is obviously hurtful, best to believe (or at least, consider) that is who they truly are. And the rest...was just a mask in order to get close to you.

If you do forgive this weirdness once and he does similar a second time, do not excuse it.

@earringsandlipstick and @jugglingduty - you're both right I think. I know we're both married to other people and that has the potential to get messy.

BUT I thought this was just something we had to accept and deal with and had, up until now, achieved that. I thought we had a fun flirtation and a slight 'in another life' affection for each other. What stings was his seeming insistence that, even in another life, we'd be terrible together.

I can't imagine why you've kept up a flirting style friendship with a man you're attracted to and know the feeling is mutual anyway when you're both married.

Quite.

You're not as 'old enough and wise enough' as you think, OP.

This may hurt today but if you find some maturity and respect for your marriage in the process, you'll be better off as a result.

I would like to know how his wife really feels about you.

I thought we had a fun flirtation and a slight 'in another life' affection for each other. What stings was his seeming insistence that, even in another life, we'd be terrible together.
I find your thinking bizarre. I don't think you're being completely honest with yourself about the depth of feelings you have for him.

@youvegottenminuteslynn - it's definitely taking up too much headspace. I know that. I just feel so shaken up by it.

@TheFoundations - that almost made me a bit tearful, thank you. I guess I just thought we had a special connection - a good friendship with a glimmer of attraction in there. I was thinking how a female friend could have said those things about my character and it would be fine - this felt entirely different not just because of the 'potential relationship' context, but his tone.

I’ve read this exact situation on here before, I had to double check the date.

Basically, you enjoyed the flirting, it was a connection between you, intimate and secret. You probably liked the fact someone thought you were a couple and now you’re hurt because he’s blown your fantasy.

[quote lostinthestars]@youvegottenminuteslynn - it's definitely taking up too much headspace. I know that. I just feel so shaken up by it.

@TheFoundations - that almost made me a bit tearful, thank you. I guess I just thought we had a special connection - a good friendship with a glimmer of attraction in there. I was thinking how a female friend could have said those things about my character and it would be fine - this felt entirely different not just because of the 'potential relationship' context, but his tone.[/quote]
Maybe him outright rejecting you (as is your perception of it) and your character has made you realise your feelings for him were inappropriate and more risky than you imagined. Maybe you realise that actually if you feel this strongly about him setting a clear boundary, it was one you could in fact have been persuaded to cross if he had done the opposite... and that scares you a bit.

Read your first post as if it's written by your husband about a married female friend. How would it make you feel? I'm not asking that to sort of shame you, more for you to explore why you have allowed something so inappropriate, and tbh unkind to your partner, to continue. How would you feel?

@cloudacious and @peboh - well, I'm not proud of myself and I'm learning today that a situation I thought was manageable perhaps isn't. But what am I really supposed to do? Personally I think that it's okay (if tricky) to find someone other than your spouse a bit attractive. I thought we were primarily friends, but there was a bit of a fun 'spark' and we both liked and respected each other. But how he spoke to me last night didn't feel that friendly OR respectful really.

@Faevern - interesting there was a similar situation. I'm sure a lot of it is my bruised ego, but I'm not sure I was fantasising as such. I thought we were friends who found each other attractive on every level, if that makes sense - almost how I might see a close female friend as amazing and clever and beautiful. Obviously it's different with him because of the element sexual attraction. But I thought it was manageable, if that makes sense. So to hear all these things that are so WRONG about me brutally spelt out, does hurt, and makes me question what he really feels tbh.

*almost like he'd given it a huge amount of thought and come to the conclusion that I'd be SO WRONG for him.

If anything, he's the one who has slightly crossed lines before.*

Yup, he is the one reminding himself out loud that there must be a line. It says a lot more about him than it does about you. I'd love for you to see that and move on from thinking "he has rejected you" to being glad that you had already not welcomed his interest.

Well done.

@youvegottenminuteslynn - hmmm I do hear you. I can't say I would be delighted if my dh had a similar kind of spark and connection with someone - BUT, I do appreciate that he's going to find other women attractive from time to time, and will get on well with people, and ultimately think, as long as he doesn't act on it, that's okay.

That's ultimately what we're looking at here. And I suppose I feel even more annoyed with myself because I thought had looked at the situation and been quite mature about it in the past - ie awareness it's probably not wise for us to drink alone together etc. The male friend is the one who has, I think, perhaps pushed it on that front a little bit more...

I think good on him for drawing a line to be honest. You do need to give yourself a shake. From what you've said, he hasn't said anything nasty whatsoever other than he doesn't want a relationship with you because of X Y and Z? Bizarre.

Clearly you enjoyed the fact that you thought he fancied you, whether he does or not is irrelevant. I disagree that it's 'ok' to be in a relationship and enjoy a flirty friendship with the opposite sex when you're attracted to them. I'd say that probably how anyone who ends up being a cheater justifies it to themselves.

@finallyhere - that's very sweet, thank you. I don't know though. It inevitably does feel like rejection when someone is ultimately saying 'here are the reasons I'd NEVER want to be you.' I wouldn't really expect to hear that from any friend...attraction or no attraction. The whole thing has just left me feeling crap.

It means he's spent far too long thinking about you already. Gone through these arguments privately to set his own head in order and stop himself from doing anything dumb.

Then done something dumb by saying them out loud.

So by my reckoning, he almost certainly did have a big crush on you at some point. But fucked up his words on this occasion and hurt you.

By saying you "thought it was manageable", you're acknowledging it was not easy to manage. Doesn't make either of you terrible, but best to consider it "manageable, but dangerous" rather than "manageable, bit fun"?

I'd take this as a clear warning sign to back off. I'd make this friendship a lot more casual from now on. I think you've both crossed some lines already and it would be wise to forget about this 'friendship' and focus on your relationship for a bit.

I think you did act on it, really. Not perhaps in a way that there's anything to tell, but this is not respectful or kind to the other partners. When you say an attraction is manageable, I think you mean enjoying it without crossing any definite lines. Well, most women would prefer their husbands didn't become emotionally close to someone they felt that way about. You weren't 'just friends' at all really. You had something, or thought you had something, that would make another partner question whether these people are really fulfilled and transparent with whoever they're committed to. Someone thought you were a couple when they saw you. That's telling. In fact, you thought you were a couple in an alternative universe but that was fine because it was all under the surface. I just don't know where the integrity is in this, or the conviction that neither of you would have an affair. If you're capable of all this, you probably are both quite capable of having an affair and then bring surprised afterwards. What were you supposed to do? Not flirt. Not build a 'in another life' intimacy and friendship with someone you fancied when married to someone else. That's the decent way of managing it, many people would believe. If you want to march to a different drum it's entirely up to you but unless you've made sure his wife is signed up too, it's underhand and toxic to a woman who has five nothing to you, and also to your husband.

done

@Autumndays123 - well, we ultimately don't want a relationship with each other because we are both married and wouldn't risk our marriages by having an affair. And I think I've been around the block enough times to know when someone does or doesn't find me attractive - that's not really in question. It's more that it was upsetting than rather than shrug off the assumption that we were together, it felt like he used that opportunity to list all the things about me that mean I'd never be 'wife material' in his eyes. Yes, what he thinks is irrelevant because I'm not his wife, but it still hurts.