i'm being RIDICULOUS. help me stop feeling like this.

[lostinthestars]

Namechanged.

Was with a male friend at a works do last night - we work in the same industry. I've known him a long time and we get on very, very well. Both longterm married, happily so, we have met each other's partners many times also and all get on brilliantly.

There's always been an attraction between us, and have been a bit flirtatious in the past…HOWEVER, we're both old enough and wise enough to know that chemistry happens. I wouldn't dream of having an affair, and neither would he.

The situation has always been okay, until last night when someone mistook us for a couple. We laughed it off, but afterwards, he proceeded to tell me all the reasons why IF we were a couple, it would be, in his words, ‘a total disaster’. This basically came down to us, in his view, being so similar and listing all the ways in which we are. Fine, whatever, but the way in which he was saying it was actually a bit nasty in tone and felt like something of a character assassination, even though he was saying that we’re the same. We were both a bit drunk, but I feel shaken and upset. There was a sort of implication that if we were both single he’d shag me but would never want to be WITH me, and….this hurts. I know this is totally ridiculous. We’ll never be together, we’re with other people – but he’s a friend and it just stung and his words are playing round in my head.

Can anyone help me get past this? xx

I think in a way he has done you a favour, although it doesn’t feel like it right now.
You insist that your friendship involved mutual sexual attraction which you admit was tricky, but that you would never let it become too tricky. I think there was a little too much headspace given to the ‘what if’s and if only’s’ The fact that you feel as upset as you do about this suggests that the line in the sand, the one you never thought of crossing, was a little more blurred than you admit, even to yourself. Your ‘friendship’ was more of a danger to your marriage than I think you realise.
He’s put it all out there now, I would step back a bit and dial back on the flirting. You’re colleagues so you need to be able to get on, but I would def reign it in. If he starts back up with flirting and banter I would smile dismissively and change the subject immediately, or just tell him ‘ no I’d make an awful wife remember ‘ smile and carry on doing what I was doing.

it just makes me feel bad about myself (even though it shouldn't

I think the key to stopping feeling so rubbish about all this is somewhere in this statement. You're saying that the situation is making you feel bad about yourself, but you're very critical of your own feelings, too. You're really not helping yourself. The fact that my comment upthread about being nicer to yourself nearly made you cry means it touched a nerve; internally you recognised that all this self criticism is doing you damage, and you nearly cried because it's a relief to have that acknowledged, I suspect. Am I miles wide of the mark?

I think he was either trying to convince himself, set boundaries or maybe he also believes that you wouldn't be good as a couple.

I'm a similar personality type to you and the one relationship that I had with someone like me didn't work out. I work better with men who are more serious and introverted.

I remember being attracted to an ex boss (and he seemed to be too) - also extroverted, liked a drink etc but we probably wouldn't work as a couple. We had such a laugh together but would probably drive each other crazy. His wife is quieter and they make a lovely couple.

Just wondered how you were doing @lostinthestars?

@ToooOldForThis - hi again. Thanks for asking, very sweet of you. I’m okay - not as upset as I was, but still a bit thrown and shaken by a) how the friend behaved and b) what it says about the strength of my own feelings towards him.

I know I’ve got to create a bit of distance, which feels painful - I really like his company, or did until this episode - but it’s necessary. Fortunately I can easily avoid seeing him for at least the next few weeks, if not slightly longer, so that will help.

Am I right in thinking you had a similar situation also? Hope things are resolving.

Thanks to all those that offered constructive advice - it was really helpful x

Yes, very similar! I'm trying to create/keep distance too, not particularly enjoying it, but I know it will get easier.
I think point b is so hard to get over isn't it, I'm so surprised at how down I am about it. Hope you do OK!