Dating thread 213 - falling into Autumn leaves

[BelladiMamma]

New thread 🧵 with the rules as a screenshot 🍂

@Thisisworsethananticpated I'm particularly proud of the comment I got at the end of the night from some women at least 10 years younger who were impressed with my flexibility😂

I'm hypermobile so I can get into some interesting positions that a lot can't....

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I would be wary of giving out your number too early on....people do apparently steal photos but if he is a paying member he can set the photo to auto delete once seen or within hours.

Have you got a burner phone?
Alternatively use Kik, I used to use Kik if I was wary of the guy, some men use it if they are not single though.

[quote Languidleopard]**@SpringlikeBunk* and @SortingItOut*

Agree re the mixed signals - I think this is what's making me feel vulnerable. He's going out of his way to do things that will make me like him and then telling me not to like him too much.

We never say what we are and I feel like having that conversation would be very stressful.

He's not having sex or dating anyone else at the moment. But yes, he has said multiple times that he wants to and will do in the future.

I think this is just how he is, rather than a temporary thing. He hasn't had a monogamous ltr for 10 years for example.

Thanks for your feedback everyone 🙂 I'm going to sleep on it and see if I can pluck up the courage to talk to him properly knowing it might well spell the end of this.[/quote]
Just flipping this round slightly - he is doing things because he wants to please you and (probably) have a sexual relationship with you. The fact that he's 'openly' breadcrumbing you but then not trying to spend the night with you (from what I can tell) means that he maybe thinks he has already had the conversation with you and understands that you want something different. This isn't to say that you shouldn't talk to him and tell him what you want. This is all from having spoken at length to a couple of single male friends recently who seem to be allergic to having more than one conversation with a woman about relationship status.

@Thisisworsethananticpated yes I am 😁

Interesting perspective on why these men are insisting they don’t want one night stands thanks! Think I’ll be wary. I’m very new to OLD so not wise to all these tactics yet.

@Stayingstrongish

I think as the perception is "men are after casual sex" more than women, if you want casual as a woman, you would think men would be bending over backwards to "make it easy" for you?

But I've found that even with a casual set-up, there's a lot of predatory guys who want domestic services as well as sex and feel entitled to a woman hosting 100%/coming over at the last minute rather than a "mutual respectful arrangement between two consenting parties with equal say"? They don't want to have to book a hotel, or host at theirs.

So they make out "feelings" are involved so that the initial set-up is more like "I have to come over to yours".

It's more a power/male entitlement thing - they want to know they can "just book in for sex whenever they like".

And they don't want their FWB to have other prospects so they want her to think that there's feelings involved, or to "always be on standby for them"

Casual is never as "easy and casual" as it sounds" IME Hope you do better with negotiation than me.

Thanks @thisisworsethananticpated @sortingitout @BelladiMamma

You've all given me loads to think about with this one. I think the conversation must be had, it's now a question of how and when.

I need to work out what I want first. Truth be told I don't know which possibility scares me most - having an actual relationship with him or losing him from my life altogether. I'm 50% accountable for the ambiguity because it quite suits me.

@Datedatedate

Hello, I'm new to this. I've just been reading through the thread.

Well, I'm on date six, on Monday.

Things got a little iffy when my message to him didn't bloody go through, letting him know that I was not feeling great, so cancelling. I had fallen asleep while he was texting/ringing.

He ended up doing a 100 mile round trip to meet and I wasn't there. Bless him, he was not happy, obvs, but as soon as I had explained, he rang me and we were able to laugh about it.

He's different (to what I've known). I like that

Welcome @Datedatedate 🙂

If you can laugh about stuff like this I would take it as a good sign 😁

@SpringlikeBunk domestic services? Oh jeez I do enough of that in life for my kids. I have got a OLD date to cook for me. Which in 15 years my ex had only done a handful of times.

@Stayingstrongish

My experience when I say “casual” I mean a “lover” who politely fits in with my hectic life.

But men sadly (often) think sexist thoughts like “she’s desperate and really wants a boyfriend” and “she’ll be grateful for me just turning up any time”.

Like on tinder, if I answer the dreaded “what are you looking for?” question with “not serious as I’m moving” the next reply is literally “so you’re desperate and available for sex whenever I want to come over”.

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Yellow Can’t you both relieve each other’s , erm , tensions without full sex ? Be like a 15 year old again 😂 There has to be a way without full sex Take your dildo along 🙈

I'm not sure, for some reason I feel a bit anxious about it. I think because all the focus will be on me moreso.

Had another lovely date with him though. Still waiting for something bad to crop up...

Wow, I was going to post a standard irons update but seems dull in contrast to the talk of sex clubs/sex parties and the action on Fab! Agree about boundaries.
I love this thread. I’m seeing dating differently :-)

Boring update: The with Mr Poet, quite new iron, just keeps flowing and he is clearly keen. We’ve kind of got a lot of interests in common, he looks quite hot in his pictures, yet somehow I feel unsure, even at times mildly repelled. Can’t put my finger on it.

Dr Sends Selfies in Scrubs: he had a day of sending lovely messages after not firming up the date. And in touch every day since, albeit with minimal messages today. I know it’s surprising I’m haven’t ditched him, but when I do have contact I really like him. It’s becoming clear that it’s not that he’s not interested — he’s scared/a bit avoidant for other reasons, which I know is still BAD, but I can’t quite bring myself to take him off the back burner and ditch him…

Could do with some opinions...

Had a second date with MrTree yesterday and it was really nice, it was a walk and there were several very passionate kisses during
But this seems to have given him err, confidence! And we spoke a little on the phone tonight and he was definitely trying to sway the conversation down the phone sex line, his messages have been a little that way too since.

We both said before we met that we were looking for something with legs, not casual etc.

He's invited me to dinner at his tomorrow and I think he would very much like more than dinner too...to be honest I find him very attractive and there is a definite chemistry between us so I think I'd be game but... it's only our 3rd date, I wouldn't say he's being pushy but I just wonder whether this has 'escalated' too quickly and is a red flag for him perhaps not being entirely honest about what he's looking for?
Part of me thinks well, whether it's date 3 or date 10, if that's what his 'game' is then it doesn't make much difference, and at least I'm less invested right now than further along.
The other part of me thinks to hold off for a little bit, to try and get a feel of things better... I did think about sending him a message about slowing down but not sure if that's just better to reiterate in person...

Languidleopard, yes, I think so. I was mortified but, luckily, he was able to see it as a genuine mistake

@SpringlikeBunk it’s funny isn’t it… you have your own life and are looking someone casual to fit round that, you’ve been up front about it, but they translate that to you wanting them anytime convenient to them!

@Languidleopard just reading your story makes me think you should be cautious, especially the bit about not wanting to be part of someone's harem. You are setting yourself up for him to say 'I was always honest from the start' rather than him not realising/accepting his actions show differently. Be careful with your heart. Or have an open conversation so it's laid on the line and then move on/date others.

Date zero update with Mr Vintage/Retro, well we had an interesting time though I wasn't exactly attracted as he was much slimmer than expected. He seemed polite but cool. I think as English wasn't his first language, i missed the banter which I usually love with English men. That said, we chatted and I felt I could be open as I knew he wasn't my lifetime partner.
However we were on our way home (we don't live far from each other) and he suggested going back to his. I felt like it was a safe bet though that's something I haven't done in years/hardly done and in the spirit of a new, more confident me! Anyway it turns out Mr Vintage has some serious, mindblowing skills and by far the best I have ever had. He acknowledged the physical chemistry was electric and was very keen to meet again so I might do! It's all very well me looking for 'the one' but this suits me for now.

anniewilkes21

One thing I re-learnt this summer is quite how darn horny most men are
Especially single men !

It’s totally feasible it will still have legs if you have sex
But , but , it has to be what you want and not
Leave you feeling shitty

But I don’t necessarily think that you arousing him, and him expressing that makes him a bad person

Eesha !! I’m pleased you had a nice night

@Eesha Mr Vintage/Retro sounds just like the perfect man you need in your life right now to meet all your needs😊

@anniewilkes21 As @Thisisworsethananticpated has said, dinner at his is usually code for sex so if you're not ready you need to make this clear.
If he only wants sex he'll dump you whether you've met 3 or 30 times.
Too ne honest I'd be looking for sex asap to make sure we are sexually compatible, sex is a huge part of my relationships so I need to know this early on.

BelladiMamma
You and me need to go to a sex party 🎉😂
🙈

Thanks @Eesha and go you with Mr Vintage! Sounds like you had a great time 😊

Earlgrey19
Please no more dates with someone that mildly repels you ! No ! Life is too short

[quote Eesha]@Languidleopard just reading your story makes me think you should be cautious, especially the bit about not wanting to be part of someone's harem. You are setting yourself up for him to say 'I was always honest from the start' rather than him not realising/accepting his actions show differently. Be careful with your heart. Or have an open conversation so it's laid on the line and then move on/date others.

Date zero update with Mr Vintage/Retro, well we had an interesting time though I wasn't exactly attracted as he was much slimmer than expected. He seemed polite but cool. I think as English wasn't his first language, i missed the banter which I usually love with English men. That said, we chatted and I felt I could be open as I knew he wasn't my lifetime partner.
However we were on our way home (we don't live far from each other) and he suggested going back to his. I felt like it was a safe bet though that's something I haven't done in years/hardly done and in the spirit of a new, more confident me! Anyway it turns out Mr Vintage has some serious, mindblowing skills and by far the best I have ever had. He acknowledged the physical chemistry was electric and was very keen to meet again so I might do! It's all very well me looking for 'the one' but this suits me for now.[/quote]
Wow 🤩 Eesha funny how things can turn out differently than expected

If you're not over invested either this could be a good one

Just bear in mind what pp said about the guys wanting casual on their terms, not yours

I do wonder if men ever get themselves into these types of situations where they are after more but the woman is being vague and giving confusing messages? It seems more likely the men claim they want something ‚serious‘ and when you‘re with them its very promising that things will progress into the ‚relationship‘ you want. However they seem to be able to do this one minute then ghost/go quiet after having spent a wonderful few days/weekend together. I‘ve changed my mind so much about what i want from a few years ago. I think i‘m managing to take some power back, put better boundaries in place and finally realised that sex doesn‘t mean you‘re in a relationship no matter how good it is. I wasn‘t able to separate the two things but i‘m leaning so far over to the FWB situation now. But quick question which may be a little stupid, if you‘ve a friend with benefits can you have more than one? I assume this should be an open conversation to be had before starting anything. And in anyone‘s experience has anyone started as FWB and then been turned into a FB without sort of realising it, as i think i‘d need the ‚friend/respect‘ part from the other person.

@Isitreallyme177 keep me posted then on you‘re dinner plans. I miss UK food! Mushy peas! Chunky Chippie chips… potato cakes! Yorkshire puddings… galaxy chocolate, scones, clearly all the healthy stuff 😂😂

@Thisisworsethananticpated

BelladiMamma You and me need to go to a sex party 🎉😂 🙈

My fear is turning up and there's loads of potatoes there ... or that I'm the potato 🥔😱🤣