Dating thread 213 - falling into Autumn leaves

[BelladiMamma]

New thread 🧵 with the rules as a screenshot 🍂

@Naimee87 we haven't a date set yet, he is back working next week. Will get a date soon though as I'm doing my online food shop next week so will need to know.

I'd have loved to have gone, covid put a stop to a lot of my potential fun @SortingItOut but I'd jump at the chance if Mr D wanted to go, strictly for us though, I'm over the idea of swinging completely.
@BelladiMamma keep those boundaries strong and a social meet (like the fab version of a date zero) is pretty standard/accepted.

This thread seems to have taken a very interesting turn with all the talk of sex parties 😁

Had a night out with Mr Breadcrumbs last night. He got tickets to a play which was exactly the type of thing I would have chosen for myself. We had food afterwards and the conversation between us was easy and nice. Lots of handholding, kissing and generally being tactile with eachother, including a full on snog in the middle of the street on the way back to the train station initiated by him.

I'm feeling really quite vulnerable today because being with him is always so great!

He's adamant that he can't cope with a relationship but this is starting to feel like one to me, albeit one that moves at a snails pace.

The level of contact we have at the moment actually suits me quite well too tbh, as work is really full on, Dd is needing quite a lot of my input due to various teenager type issues and I also really like having time to myself and to hang out with my friends and pursue my hobbies.

If I knew things were just going to carry on like this I'd settle for it even though it's a compromise but my fear is that he'll find someone else which honestly would hurt me a lot. He's off the apps but has told me he fully intends to start dating other people again in the future.

I'm feeling very conflicted right now 😕

@Heartbeats0708

Yy to the Date Zero - I guess Fab is no worse than Tinder in that respect

but I found two guys I'd talked about a date zero with tried to "push/assume consent"

and after we'd agreed a "first meet", were then very pushy about leading me to try to sext them in advance/push the first meet to a home one.

(and got arsey when I detached).

There are some good normal looking attractive guys I'm sure who I was chatting with as well but I didn't have time to follow up.

Hello, I'm new to this. I've just been reading through the thread.

Well, I'm on date six, on Monday.

Things got a little iffy when my message to him didn't bloody go through, letting him know that I was not feeling great, so cancelling. I had fallen asleep while he was texting/ringing.

He ended up doing a 100 mile round trip to meet and I wasn't there. Bless him, he was not happy, obvs, but as soon as I had explained, he rang me and we were able to laugh about it.

He's different (to what I've known). I like that

welcome @Datedatedate

Thank you, SpringlikeBunk

Languidleopard

I think it’s the same question for everyone , whether we are looking for a fuck bud or a husband

Does it make You happy ?

As he sure as hell won’t change
So can you accept it as is ? Knowing that you also have a busy life , and the casual suits you
Or would you be better off cutting loose and creating space eventually for someone who does want something more committed

I know I’ve held onto things that were not right for me for lust , loneliness etc

@Thisisworsethananticpated definitely don't want a husband, coming round to the idea of FWB but don't want to be part of someone's harem, iyswim? For various reasons- sexual health, not fair on them if he carries on with me in secret, fear that he'll like them more and dump me.

I can't be doing with dating anyone else right now as it seems unfair to do so when I'm emotionally entangled with someone else. I don't want him to date other people either. That's it in a nutshell. And I think he will.

Yeah, he makes me happy but have to admit lust is definitely at play here!

@Thisisworsethananticpated when I went to a sex club (parties may be different) I wore a bodice and thong set from love honey, stockings and a pair of tailored shorts (hot pant length) plus high heels.
Most of the women had evening dresses on, some were just in their lingerie. Then men wore trousers and shirts.

Everyone gathered in the bar and it felt no different to a night out, talking and drinking.
Then around an hour later some couples went off to the play area. This area is no clothes so lingerie or naked.
They have lockers to put your clothes in and towels you borrow.

Then within the play area is a jacuzzi (large) and various 'beds', generally everyone played with the partners they went with but after a while couples paired off.
It is 100% consensual, you don't touch anyone in any way without consent. If you don't like someone you say so.
If you don't want to swing you dont.

You can go between the play area and the bar quite freely, some couples didn't even play.
They also provided pizzas at midnight😂

At the end of the night everyone was in the locker area getting changed into their normal clothes and still chatting and we met couples we'd not noticed all night.
We stayed half naked as we were staying on site, then we went to our rooms.

It was all very civilised.

Some clubs don't allow single men on some nights, if they do allow single men numbers are limited.
Some people don't like going to events with single men due to their behaviour.

@Languidleopard

I don't think he's being 100% fair to you tbh - he's raising your hopes with his behaviour - publicly instigating affection, choosing a special play - that's kind of "enjoying charming you but also telling you he's rejecting the idea of a LTR with you"?

Mixed signals hurt people.

@Languidleopard What does Mr Breadcrumbs say you are?
Is it just right now he is not ready or won't ever be ready?

What does he think the future looks like if he wants to date others? That sounds like a casual thing with lots of casual partners or possibly even solo polyamory (if he doesn't have 1 main partner and wants a relationship with all partners rather than just sex)

The main thing is what do you want and are your needs being met.
You need to talk to him about what you are and whether he's dating/sleeping with others.

Oh god I can't see MrTattoo for two weeks because we are both 90% responsible for childcare

... so I've now joined Feeld (someone mentioned it upthread) and I have 300 likes?!

It's got some great reviews @BelladiMamma

@SpringlikeBunk and @SortingItOut

Agree re the mixed signals - I think this is what's making me feel vulnerable. He's going out of his way to do things that will make me like him and then telling me not to like him too much.

We never say what we are and I feel like having that conversation would be very stressful.

He's not having sex or dating anyone else at the moment. But yes, he has said multiple times that he wants to and will do in the future.

I think this is just how he is, rather than a temporary thing. He hasn't had a monogamous ltr for 10 years for example.

Thanks for your feedback everyone 🙂 I'm going to sleep on it and see if I can pluck up the courage to talk to him properly knowing it might well spell the end of this.

I joined Feeld (I think all women get a gabillion likes @BelladiMamma ) and really quite liked it.

I'm at a similar place to you in that I also rejoined Fab the other day, swamped with messages - have one ongoing chat with a guy who wants to meet for a social tomorrow and is experienced on it... he knows I'm a newbie and is being quite helpful but @SortingItOut did you find it pretty tough to get your head around at first - it's such a big change from the way you go about things elsewhere... this guy is being really non-pushy but at the same time you can tell really isn't THAT interested in any questions other than those that lead to an initial meet, or to determine from his p/o/v whether I'm a timewaster (I imagine there are absolutely loads of those of both sexes). The first time you met someone, was it terrifying? I may meet him for a coffee but even that, with such an overt ultimate objective and not at all dressed up in 'ooh he thinks I'm SO interesting/such a catch/utterly hilarious!', is making me very nervous.

Had an absolutely wicked time last night, brilliant 'middle aged massive' of ex-ravers showing the young 'uns how it's done in a spit and sawdust club in East London... such a good laugh.

I have one very vague prospective iron from OKC who lives in Amsterdam but says he has 'parked' his profile in the UK and travels here regularly... we have similar compatibilities in terms of what we're looking for sexually and mindful of what I've learnt before I'm taking it all very much with a pinch of salt, have had a few message exchanges and I've suggested a phone call tomorrow. Mindful of not getting into anything pointless and penpally. He is extremely handsome and it's disarming.... (if he's genuine)

I’m finding a lot of guys say they are looking for a relationship and not one-night stands and want to be sure this is what I want too. Is this a common problem guys have, having to fight off ladies wanting one-night stands? I suppose what I want is a FWB situation with not too much pressure. Then these same guys are very quick to go in with wanting to meet at home for the first date, so in reality it’s not like they want to go slowly!

I think there's a lot of men insisting they want relationships because they think that's the thing to say to get women to have sex with them

I really don't understand their protestations otherwise because as far as I'm aware women's profiles are not full of women insisting on absolutely categorically NOT having a relationship...

I think actually most women want a respectful ongoing situation with someone able to communicate and have adult conversations about hard things like boundaries, what this is or isn't, and where it's going if anywhere. And THAT seems like the hardest thing of all to expect...

@ibelieveinmirrorballs When I left my marriage I never wanted a relationship ever again but knew I needed sex, I had been on dating sites looking for 'fun' for a year (and had a lot of fun) before I joined Fab so it was much the same for me albeit the men were more open about what they wanted.

I did a couple of social meets with some, one turned out to be in a relationship and the other I didn't fancy.
The others I just met for sex, one was someone I went to school with (I wentto his house), one I met in a pub but had a hotel booked and with Mr K I just went to his house 😱
Totally not the way to do it and stupid of me. Do not ever go to someones house as a first meet.

I think the men have to be careful on Fab because alot of female profiles are actually men, women looking for men to subscribe to Only Fans or scammers.

Glad you had a good time last night.

@Stayingstrongish

I'm very cynical about that "banging on about wanting a relationship".

My (not huge to be fair) experience it's a "line" used to lull women into a false sense of security?

IE if you think it's the "beginning or part of a relationship" you're more open to having the guy at yours, more giving with your schedule, more tolerant.

Whereas if the guy says he wants casual he's then competing with the 100's other guys who want casual so needs to up his game.

I haven't been on Tinder lots in terms of days, but I found a few VERY eligible looking guys who all had "opening lines" about how hard it was to meet women, as if they were desperate for a relationship with a decent woman..

like yeh a 34 year old tall handsome doctor with no children is struggling....

So after they've said that to make the woman feel comfortable they then hint for the naked pics or the sexting or the home first date...because "it's the start of a relationship"

Languidleopard
So long as we can be honest with our selves about things
I think Living in hope that things change isn’t a fantastic vibe
So look after yourself

SortingItOut

Why thanks , that was beautifully and concisely framed
I’m actually pasting into my notes 📝

BelladiMamma
I can’t believe you’ve joined fab swingers and feeld in one day 😂
Are you ovulating !!!
I’m impressed !

@Languidleopard Sounds like he's either a player and/or has low self esteem and he gets something out of having women fawning over him.

Its just weird how he goes on about not having a relationship with you but is almost tricking you into thinking he does, then when it goes tits up he can say 'well I told you I didn't want a relationship, I can't help it if you want me more/fell in love with me'

He should not be giving off mixed signals.

Both Mr K and I said that neither of us wanted a relationship and we never did anything to make the other person think otherwise. We kept as FWB and were clear where the boundaries were.

Thanks @Sorting - for example, I have no photos on my profile... I sent a headshot and body shot - neither obscene - to him which he commented nicely on. At a later point he suggested we move to WhatsApp and I'd be able to see a headshot of him there. I felt like this was a way of him trying to get me to move to WhatsApp rather than just send me a face photo, but he then told me that previously someone had used his face photo and created a fake profile on Fab. Not sure whether to believe him, he's not been otherwise pushy and of all the messages I've had has been the most promising... but it did make me a bit freaked out about 'Fab etiquette' and mistakes I might unwittingly make in oversharing on there or whatever.