Dating thread 213 - falling into Autumn leaves

[BelladiMamma]

New thread 🧵 with the rules as a screenshot 🍂

@Dropdeadfred2 this has happened to me ….twice! It’s awful and I did cry and blame myself and go over everything again to look for signs.
In one case he was just a flake - he has popped up again and again and flakes every time. I’m glad I realise that now as I’ll never fall for it again.

The other was a headspace/ outside drama reasons and I can see that now that I’ve had distance and time. In his case I eventually took control and sent the closure message and while that was painful it helped me move on.

And I met Mr L who is better than all of those I have dated in the past year put together so while it seems all encompassing now, you will get over this and trust again.

Thanks @MayEye… on the train now in a skimpy little outfit hehe… silly me at 40 🤣🤣 who cares though! It’s a lovely hot sunny day.
@Dropdeadfred2 cry it out, it definitely helps x

@Shayelle2009 ooh skimpy … I like your style 😁 go get your flirt on

Trying to keep up with the posts on here!

I need a bit of advice I think. Things are going REALLY well with my guy, he is incredibly attentive and tuned in to me and we are having a great time. But I have two concerns:

He wants to wait until he has his results back from STI testing before having sex. We've been dating 3 weeks now and he's just had his appointment and he's saying results in 2 weeks. That seems really long and I've always had a 2 day turnaround. it's not that I don't trust him, but could there be something else going on there? The sexual tension between us is ridiculous so it's not like he's using it as an excuse (I don't think?!).

Also... love bombing. How do you identify this vs someone who is just into you and genuinely lovely? I had had some really unhealthy relationships so I'm just finding his kindness and both of our intensity quite overwhelming. I also have ADHD so find it hard to take things slowly.

Dropdeadfred2

It’s totally ok to cry
It’s nothing to be shamed of
I cried about overseas obsession and I’d never even met him 🙈 now that’s embarrassing !
Can I also say that once you have done it …

In a few weeks /months you will look back and you will see the behaviour , and the clues you missed ? I bet there will have been some

Anyway hugs 🫂

yellowcourgette

That’s a great question re love bombing
And I don’t know 🤷‍♀️ either
How to tell the difference

Re STI testing that’s a twister and a half
I had to visit GUM (happy days !) and the results come back fast
Seems a bit weird ?

Hello all,

After some advice please

Short version.

An ex from years ago (we were together few years, I ended it-massive mistake), recently got in touch.

We talked lots & were ‘back together’……..all great & lots of Honest discussions about past & our future…..

He had to see his ex recently………I then noticed slight change in comms. He then ended it saying not ready for relationship, head in a bad place…..……..too hurt over ex & children……..misses family unit etc etc…..

I’m struggling as the shift in his feelings to me/our relationship were so sudden/overnight. No warnings leading up to.

I’m considering asking him to meet (ended over phone quickly) as it’s as if his feelings just completely changed overnight. We had said we were making a long term go of our relationship etc etc

Swing from remaining dignified & not contacting. To ‘mildly trying to fight for us’- only once.

@Shayelle2009 have a really good time tonight! Love the sound of the 'skimpy' outfit too!

No message from MrE about talking yet. My friend thinks he's dragging it out so he'll stay on my mind/in my life for longer. Ugh! He's got till sunday then i'll no longer be available to talk.

So ready for my bed, last nights drinking paired with a full day of emails/meetings is a terrible mix! Managed to drag our wild puppy and a moody 12yr old out on a country walk so feeling slightly less zombie-like.

@BelladiMamma i'm slightly confused by the story of your friend. So they slept together and she started sending kisses/hearts and 'lovey-dovey' messages that he didn't want? But then they had a conversation and she wasn't really keen and neither was he so they went their separate ways?

[quote Naimee87]@Shayelle2009 have a really good time tonight! Love the sound of the 'skimpy' outfit too!

No message from MrE about talking yet. My friend thinks he's dragging it out so he'll stay on my mind/in my life for longer. Ugh! He's got till sunday then i'll no longer be available to talk.

So ready for my bed, last nights drinking paired with a full day of emails/meetings is a terrible mix! Managed to drag our wild puppy and a moody 12yr old out on a country walk so feeling slightly less zombie-like.

@BelladiMamma i'm slightly confused by the story of your friend. So they slept together and she started sending kisses/hearts and 'lovey-dovey' messages that he didn't want? But then they had a conversation and she wasn't really keen and neither was he so they went their separate ways?[/quote]
Well it seems that once they had the conversation she was like - ok, I get it, thanks for letting me know I will move on. They've been friends a while so I think he wasn't thinking beyond FWB but didn't make that clear. She now has the information and can now make a proper choice.

She's actually the singer in his jazz band so they'd better sort it out otherwise - no jazz baby!!

@yellowcourgette it could be he has picked up something and is taking antibiotics to get rid of it hence the 2 week wait?

[quote dancemom]@yellowcourgette it could be he has picked up something and is taking antibiotics to get rid of it hence the 2 week wait? [/quote]
That's what I'm thinking, or I did see on the NHS website that some results take 1-2 weeks. I hope there isn't something he's not telling me!

@yellowcourgette

Trying to keep up with the posts on here!

I need a bit of advice I think. Things are going REALLY well with my guy, he is incredibly attentive and tuned in to me and we are having a great time. But I have two concerns:

He wants to wait until he has his results back from STI testing before having sex. We've been dating 3 weeks now and he's just had his appointment and he's saying results in 2 weeks. That seems really long and I've always had a 2 day turnaround. it's not that I don't trust him, but could there be something else going on there? The sexual tension between us is ridiculous so it's not like he's using it as an excuse (I don't think?!).

Also... love bombing. How do you identify this vs someone who is just into you and genuinely lovely? I had had some really unhealthy relationships so I'm just finding his kindness and both of our intensity quite overwhelming. I also have ADHD so find it hard to take things slowly.

Ask him?

Just say "oh, mine took two days, why are they taking so long now?".

I can't recall how long mine took last year, I got the results by text, it didn't seem very long. But they might say "up to two weeks" in the blurb, just in case?
Do you live in the same health authority area? They're not all the same - my last house j couldn't get sti checks at all without symptoms ,(unless I was a gay man,) but where I am now you just order a kit in the post and do them yourself.

I think the wanting to wait would indicate it's not love bombing. Love bombers generally want to move through stages quickly, then they disappear when you've DTD. Often. Or at some point after.

@Shayelle2009

As a fellow 40 yr old — definitely in your prime! 😁
I’m sure you rock your look!

@City754
I really feel for you. This sounds painful and very hard to stomach. But he sounds ambivalent to me, and however strongly he expressed his desire to be with you (and one level he probably does want that), it sounds like he is also desiring being back in the family unit. That may have the stronger pull, and I think you have to give him the space to work it out. And who knows, that may not be a viable option with his ex, in the end, but you won’t be able to fight it while he is wanting that. I was in a very similar situation and I clung on by my fingernails and fought for a long time (too long), because he did say that he loved me more than he’d ever loved anyone, and wanted to be with me, but couldn’t face the pain of not being in his family, especially to be with his kid. He’s currently seeing if he can get back with his ex. It’s heartbreaking but you’ll be the stronger for it by letting him go to work this out, and investing in your life and moving on, if you can. Sending hugs.

City754
If I’m being brutally honest it sounds like he had a funny phase , went back into his past then - for whatever reason decided to not go back there
As what he said sounds fairly clear ? No ambiguity
I know it’s sad and disappointing
And it’s probably not what you want to hear
And you probably totally fell for him again 🙁 which sucks

But these shitty things happen in life
And yes he might come crawling back when he argues with his ex wife /wife again
But do you want that ?

Have a fab time tonight @Shayelle2009! I’m going clubbing this evening in London aged 51 for the first time in years although this time around will be mostly sober and not swivel-eyed on the dance floor. As is appropriate for my age I’m also having a nana nap before getting up at 12 and putting my trainers on… very excited to have a good dance and my favourite DJ from ‘back in the day’ is headlining.

After my ghosting of last week I am almost ironless apart from one handsome Dutch fellow, but I’m being quite sensible and minimal on messages - we may speak on the phone this weekend.

NIGHT OUT UPDATE…

Idk what the hell is going on but brighton was absolutely DEAD this afternoon… me and my pal wandered about poking our head into loads of different pubs absolutely no life anywhere!! Wtf… it's friday night and it’s been a beautiful day? On the train home now, what a disappointment 😭 not one chat anywhere… walked past about 3 hotties in the street in passing, and that was it.

Did have a lovely catch up with my pal though.

Have to say I have NEVER seen brighton so dead. ☠️
What is going on!!!

Go on @ibelieveinmirrorballs I might come up and meet ya 😬 I'm gonna put my tunes on and get the wine out when i get home for sure. (Sorry neighbours). Hope london’s more lively than here!! x

@yellowcourgette

Trying to keep up with the posts on here!

I need a bit of advice I think. Things are going REALLY well with my guy, he is incredibly attentive and tuned in to me and we are having a great time. But I have two concerns:

He wants to wait until he has his results back from STI testing before having sex. We've been dating 3 weeks now and he's just had his appointment and he's saying results in 2 weeks. That seems really long and I've always had a 2 day turnaround. it's not that I don't trust him, but could there be something else going on there? The sexual tension between us is ridiculous so it's not like he's using it as an excuse (I don't think?!).

Also... love bombing. How do you identify this vs someone who is just into you and genuinely lovely? I had had some really unhealthy relationships so I'm just finding his kindness and both of our intensity quite overwhelming. I also have ADHD so find it hard to take things slowly.

Hi Yellow!

I can confirm that "they" do say in the blurb that they'll send you the results within 2 weeks. In reality it takes just a couple of days. (This will no doubt vary according to geography.) It is of course also possible that he's got something and is on a 2 week course of antibiotics.
Either way, in my opinion he's acting sensibly and considerately, so I wouldn't see it as a problem as such.

Re love-bombing, I'd recommend the book "Living with the Dominator" by Pat Craven. It's a very quick&easy read which helps you identify red flag behaviours including love-bombing. Other than that, I'd say that if it doesn't feel right to you, then it's not right for you, and you should practise a) identifying and b) expressing your boundaries. (Easier said than done.) Good luck with it all!

@yellowcourgette - how long have you been seeing him?

@Walkingalot (had to read that twice) it's been 3 weeks. We've done a lot in that time and spent a few nights together. Absolutely nothing forced on his side and he seems to just be wanting to protect me (he was in a polyamorous relationship for a few months before meeting me). He does seem very genuine and just wholesome but I've also had the 'you're amazing' and then inevitable ghost after sleeping with someone before so I've got my guard up.

@PurpleStripyScarf this is encouraging, thanks! He got tested through the doctor (didn't get on with the home testing kit apparently which I can understand) so I think NHS is slower than private.

I'm getting the slightly painful lusty feels already and just finding him incredibly attractive, mostly because of his personality, but don't know if I need to slow things down. But also speed things up with the sex! ARGHHH.

yellowcourgette - The poly thing would worry me. Has he talked much about it? Was it something he wanted to try but didn't work for him?
I think it's too early to tell whether he's a love bomber or not. I'd be cautious, enjoy it and see how things develop. You have to wait longer for a Herpes (HSV2) test or he could be taking medication for something (chlamydia). No harm or offence in asking him about it.

Yes I think I'll ask him when I see him tomorrow. I am also concerned about the poly thing and he's been bicurious too. I think it's great that someone can be experimental and comfortable with different things but it concerns me that it could be something he may want in the future, and I doubt I would be down with that. I think we need a convo about that too :/