Dating thread 213 - falling into Autumn leaves

[BelladiMamma]

New thread 🧵 with the rules as a screenshot 🍂

I think a lot of us are scared of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and then the relationship going tits up.

When we're scared of this we are emotionally unavailable and so we seek out men who are emotionally unavailable too so there is no chance of them wanting more than we want to give, its a very safe place for us.

After reading Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl it opened my eyes so much as I realised I am the issue hence the counselling, 2nd session Monday and I'm looking forward to it, I want to unpick everything and understand why I am like I am.

@SortingItOut

I think a lot of us are scared of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and then the relationship going tits up.

When we're scared of this we are emotionally unavailable and so we seek out men who are emotionally unavailable too so there is no chance of them wanting more than we want to give, its a very safe place for us.

After reading Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl it opened my eyes so much as I realised I am the issue hence the counselling, 2nd session Monday and I'm looking forward to it, I want to unpick everything and understand why I am like I am.

I've had tons of counselling, I know why I am like I am (abusive, cold, unemotional parents) but my issue is being able to change it. No counselor has ever given me any help with that.

I even know I'm doing it. MrWG could be the role model for avoidant and emotionally unavailable, but here I am......

So. Ghosting... how the hell do you deal with it? I feel like shit

@Dropdeadfred2 I tend to look at it like the issue is theirs and they weren't right for me anyway. Usually it's just a bloke changing their mind and not wanting to be seen as the bad guy. It's painful but you will get through it.

@Dropdeadfred2 Exactly what @Eesha said, this is all on him and nothing what so ever about you.

Some men are cowards and just don't want to explain or even message to end things, they think they are avoiding conflict by avoiding you.

Try to accept the time you had together for the experience and fun it gave you and that it all adds to life's rich tapestry.
Also thank your lucky stars that he has shown his true colours early on, imagine being in a relationship and years down the line this is how he deals with things.

People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a life time.

Its also fine to feel low, angry, upset about this, you thought it had a future and if you need to grieve for that then you should.

Thanks both . I just think it's so rude and cowardly

@Dropdeadfred2 it is cowardly but ultimately they have to live with that behaviour and you sound like you've been nothing but decent. This is why I flagged the comment about saying women are stalkers when simply they just don't understand how things change/contact drops off and want to know why.

@Dropdeadfred2, we have had a couple of similar situations to yours shared and discussed on here recently and I think taking control of the situation gives you back the power. Your guy will either read your closure message and respond or he will ignore. I would say something along the lines of hope he's okay, you've been feeling rather confused by the lack of contact but feel that this relationship isn't for you as you are looking for something where both people are invested. I'm sure you would find the right words.

A general question, do a lot of women on here are hoping to leet someone in order to have a family/marriage etc.? Is this why some women are more persistent than others because they went these other elements as well as a relationship?

I messaged him last night. I have no idea if he read it as we don't have the blue ticks...
No reply is so hurtful. I just wish he'd say he wanted out etc

@Dropdeadfred2 I would possibly call him. If he doesn't answer, leave him a voice note and say what you'd have said in the message. It comes across as authentic and shows him that you haven't changed and he's got nothing to be scared of. 'Hey, I'm feeling really sad and confused about your lack of contact. It feels like things are over. If you have the time I'd appreciate a call or a message from you but at the point it's probably just about closure. I have loved our time together and I'm sorry things have ended this way. By the way, if I don't hear from you soon I may go no contact as this situation has been pretty bad for my well-being. I wish you well'

@Musttryharder2021

A general question, do a lot of women on here are hoping to leet someone in order to have a family/marriage etc.? Is this why some women are more persistent than others because they went these other elements as well as a relationship?

Maybe read through some of the threads and you'll see that we have all sorts here.

Hard to generalise really but you'll learn a lot if you come with an open mind

[quote BelladiMamma]@Dropdeadfred2 I would possibly call him. If he doesn't answer, leave him a voice note and say what you'd have said in the message. It comes across as authentic and shows him that you haven't changed and he's got nothing to be scared of. 'Hey, I'm feeling really sad and confused about your lack of contact. It feels like things are over. If you have the time I'd appreciate a call or a message from you but at the point it's probably just about closure. I have loved our time together and I'm sorry things have ended this way. By the way, if I don't hear from you soon I may go no contact as this situation has been pretty bad for my well-being. I wish you well' [/quote]
Thsts really well worded thanks .

@Dropdeadfred2 I've been there and I feel you

Talking of which two weeks and one day NC with BeardFlake.

Finally removed him from my social media followers. If he wants to know what's going on in my life he should call me. He was potentially going to come to this gig with me last night and I would have been visiting him earlier in the week seeing the same musician in his hometown according to all his future fakery.

So so sad and disappointed still.

@BelladiMamma i just sent you a PM hope that's okay?

[quote Dropdeadfred2]@BelladiMamma i just sent you a PM hope that's okay?[/quote]
Yes 🤗

I may have mentioned before that I'm a WhatsApp chat with some long standing friends of both genders. We created it when we realised we were all single around the same time. It's been a great support for us all and the one thing we try to do for each other to be accepting of everyone's different situations and also emotional baggage.

But one thing I have noticed, in this small group sample and from having dated women myself, is that in general - the guys will crumble at confrontation or when there are emotional challenges or mismatches between themselves & their romantic partners.

Just last night one of them was messaging the group saying he was stressed because he'd been on a date, slept with someone and she'd been messaging and sending heart emojis etc. To me this was just normal behaviour after sleeping with someone and dating them for a bit. To him it was like the additional piece of emotional baggage was making him into a stressed out wreck. Of course he hadn't discussed with her what they each wanted out for the relationship or where they saw it going. So she'd gone all in and he'd retreated, scared and confused. When in reality all they needed to do was check in with each other and make sure they were on the same page!!

So after overnight group coaching 😁 he had the 'difficult' conversation with her and in the end found that it was ok. And he was able to see that he'd blown her messaging out of all proportion and he was free to move on.

Sorry *she was free to move on

@Dropdeadfred2… great idea from Bella hope you get an answer x

@Shayelle2009 enjoy your night out tonight. I have a girls weekend to Belfast coming up in 2 weeks and to say I’m excited is an understatement!
I know this dating lark is great when it’s going well but there’s nothing like letting loose with the girls

@Musttryharder2021 for me personally I don’t want kids or marriage. I’ve had marriage already and it’s gone wrong! And I have my two lovely children. But would like someone who cares about me. Which is maybe now impossible as not many men want someone with two young kids, but hey.

Dropdeadfred2
You make the decision then
You don’t want someone like this who just bails and goes silent , you really don’t
So what if things continue and you have a problem , a bereavement
Fuck that
Noone does x

Having been in your shoes , I feel better for sending a message ending it
And deleting
Have a good cry
And tomorrow is a new day x

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Dropdeadfred2 You make the decision then You don’t want someone like this who just bails and goes silent , you really don’t So what if things continue and you have a problem , a bereavement Fuck that Noone does x

Having been in your shoes , I feel better for sending a message ending it
And deleting
Have a good cry
And tomorrow is a new day x

Thank you....i about to having a few tears.. which sounds pathetic but i can't help it. I'm sad but mainly confused and so disappointed.
I don't think i will ever trust anyone again

@Dropdeadfred2 I'm so sorry you are going through this

I agree with @BelladiMamma that you should call him and leave a voice message. Be honest but dignified. Feeling confused and hurt is a completely normal reaction to someone just disappearing.

Don't send any more texts, as you just don't know whether he's getting them or not. I think that's the worst part of this type of situation...the not knowing. Once you know you can start moving through your feelings and will gradually, little by little start to feel better ❤

@Musttryharder2021

A general question, do a lot of women on here are hoping to leet someone in order to have a family/marriage etc.? Is this why some women are more persistent than others because they went these other elements as well as a relationship?

@Musttryharder2021 I definitely don't want marriage or any more kids. I don't want to live together. Happy for them to meet my Dd but not looking for a new Dad figure. Ditto with their kids and me.

My ideal would be someone I really get on with to go to films, theatre and other stuff and have a good physical relationship too.