Dating thread 213 - falling into Autumn leaves

[BelladiMamma]

New thread 🧵 with the rules as a screenshot 🍂

MrProperty - who on chats used to talk about the pub a lot and has now changed our date zero from a coffee place to a pub 🤷🏻‍♀️

MrGig - minimal contact other than establishing that he's my type and we have a lot in common

Potential for loo updates if my phone stays charged

@Eesha naaah I am completely done with the apps, I tried them for 2 years, got no fun or happy experiences out of them, not even any good dates (other than a 3 month ‘wonder’ who didnt treat me the way I want to be treated, so sacked that off), the stress, danger, irritance, inconvenience, angst and general bad vibes and culture of them all has put me off for good.
I’ll stick with my art class, gym, bars and pubs and socialising with pals but generally actually I’ve kind of decided I’m not looking for anything right now - quite happy single.

I had the same thoughts @Naimee87 especially when you said upthread you'd told him that he made you happier while knowing deep down it was a lie. He may have understood things to be going better than they were.

It doesn't excuse him badgering you incessantly, but it's quite a human reaction to try to understand what went wrong - think someone else mentioned this upthread with the completion thing. I'm glad you've granted him the chance to talk - I don't actually think it reflects any drop of boundaries on your part, it's simply recognising that you might be able to close things off gracefully with someone you were close to and who was close to you. He might have had time to reflect and want to express gratitude for the time you spent together. He might be aware of his missteps and want to apologise for his part in it all. The conversation might not necessarily be one that is confrontational and accusatory but if it turns out that way please do get out of it right away.

Hard for us on here to say what will happen as we haven't met him. However I absolutely do not go with the prevailing sentiment that we owe the people we break up with nothing. Even at a very basic level they've helped us understand what we do and don't want from a relationship, and beyond that they've invested time and effort into trying to make something happen with us. We've got to hold on to some human decency in these things and see the things we can be grateful for, even if it doesn't end as we would have hoped and that goes both ways for the dumped and the dumper.

Good luck @dancemom 💗

Eeeeek good luck x 2 @BelladiMamma 🍀🍀💗

Thing is @HairyArsedMan because you’re a nice person you would think that way. But there are many many nutjobs out there that are psycho to women which is why we’re all nervous and saying be careful..

@HairyArsedMan I am almost 100% certain that you're a good bloke. But calling someone using multiple numbers, getting hold of her best friend's boyfriend's number plus hanging around outside her house is never cool in my book. Technically the guy is now stalking her as she's already asked him for no contact. Once again I'm pretty much 100% certain that you'd never do that. And I sincerely hope no one ever does that to you because take it from me it's a wafer thin difference between that and being in actual physical danger from the person that you've been intimate with and thought you knew.

Re no contact - MrWG is really bad at this. He has now set aside Wednesdays for me. Last Wed after our assignation I had to leave for a gig, I texted him a photo from the gig, got an emoji in reply, then texted him 1am to say I was home.
Never heard another word from him til I texted him yesterday morning to ask if he was coming over.

Anyway, he did, and yesterday I told him he needs to keep in touch more. He said he's a bit less busy now. I said you're never too busy to send a text and I don't like it when I don't hear from you.
When he was away for three weeks he sent photos, videos, we had a video call.... And I told him how much I appreciated it.
Anyway, as a result of that last night he sent me a stupid meme, and a horrible right wing "joke" story thing.

I replied "just to be clear, when I said you could send a text, I didn't mean this"
So let's see what happens!!

I'm not a fan of great long explanations of why relationships ended. My ex from last year sent me a two page letter, that I didn't ask for, that was like a sort of performance review. I wanted to shove it up his arse, frankly. It was clearly therapeutic for him, but disrespectful to me as I didn't want it.
And when I have tried to give people my reasons they just argue with them. Or keep digging and digging until you start saying things you don't really mean, or water down your reason so they can chip away at it. It's almost never worth it.

He knew what he was doing anyway putting shit in your head @Naimee87 about how he’s been the only good man for you. I mean who says things like that? Only a controlling manipulator. Please dont meet up with him…

I know @BellaDiMama, and I really do appreciate the danger signs here. On balance with all his antics and calling with different numbers and so on, it'd be fair to shut it down with no further contact. I have sat on my hands a bit before posting because I wanted to get across something about how difficult it can be to handle the ending of things and I was posting more in sympathy with @Naimee87 in respect of feeling like she'd let herself down in some way when she seems to me to be doing the decent thing while weighing up the risks.

Good luck daters !

Hairy arsed
I see what you mean and I agree as I said the completion comment
But I was referring to ghosters

In this case she didn’t ghost him , she dumped him and he wouldn’t let it go
It’s a bit different

Even for casual a ‘hey this isn’t working for me’ is better than nothing
——- tumbleweeds ———

Sorry had no signal in the toilet 🙄

So ... nice guy, interesting, easy to chat with, talks a lot! Not totally sure how attracted to him I am but these things can develop so i think I should go on a second date ... thoughts?

@dancemom, I think if you clear the first hurdle of ‘ yes, there’s enough here for me to want to find out a bit more’ then yes, absolutely a second date.

@Onesmallstep67 great way to look at it and yes, I'd like to find out more

@dancemom

Sorry had no signal in the toilet 🙄

So ... nice guy, interesting, easy to chat with, talks a lot! Not totally sure how attracted to him I am but these things can develop so i think I should go on a second date ... thoughts?

Sounds promising . Did he look like his pics??

Had a first meet with MrTree today. We went for a coffee, had a walk then sat in his car before I headed home.
It was really nice, there were a few 'moments' but no kiss (I would've liked one ) but he did say he would like to see me again- mentioned tomorrow but said we would talk tonight. He then gave me flowers he had in his car before I left which would normally make me cringe but he did it in a very sweet low key way.
I text him when I got home thanking him and saying I had a nice time...nothing in response so I'm hoping he's not going to ghost me now

dancemom
Oooh not sure ! I tend to decide fairly quickly
Sleep on it ! Talking too much is normal as probably normal x
anniewilkes21
That’s so sweet

Nervous not normal

Hey, rejoining. I’d just about given up on the apps, then boom someone interesting shows up. In fairness the bar was low, the art of conversation felt dead or just too sexual. But then Mr Rugby turns up. We’ve agreed a date next Saturday and I feel I’m going to need a dose of realism and constant reminding of the rules before then. I’m swinging between, over investing and being cynical.
Hope everyone else is having fun dates and enjoying themselves. Hope to see some familiar faces and hear things are going well.

Loo update

Date one - nice guy, a bit dull?
Date two - MrGig.... shy but more promise?

@Dropdeadfred2 he did thankfully

@Thisisworsethananticpated I do too usually but I feel I have to give him a chance ...

@dancemom definitely give it another chance, these slow burners can work

Anyone else feeling a bit anxious for their safety after reading the news. The young girl who died was on her way to an online date. Scary times.

It says on BBC news she was meeting a friend. But she could have been going anywhere.
It hasn't made me feel anxious but we should all take sensible precautions.

@dancemom

Sorry had no signal in the toilet 🙄

So ... nice guy, interesting, easy to chat with, talks a lot! Not totally sure how attracted to him I am but these things can develop so i think I should go on a second date ... thoughts?

@dancemom definitely worth a second date.

Agree nerves probably account for the excessive talking 🙂

Thanks @Eesha and @Languidleopard