Dating thread 213 - falling into Autumn leaves

[BelladiMamma]

New thread 🧵 with the rules as a screenshot 🍂

[quote ibelieveinmirrorballs]@Earlgrey19 I've used Feeld before and quite liked it although it is definitely more for hook ups (not specifically threesomes though!) - I didn't meet anyone from there but it was part of my 'ffs all the normal apps are so tedious' journey through them and I might download it again. You can be very specific without judgment about what it is you're looking for - a bit like Fabswingers but with far fewer cock shots - whether that be kink, casual, ongoing, ONS, etc and I think getting that out in the open is actually very refreshing.

I hate the way on Tinder etc so many men bleat on about how they are most definitely NOT looking for hook ups, and I always wonder why they are so insistent on this, almost as though there are hundreds of women's profiles saying 'hook ups only over here!' (I don't think so sunshine). I think it all plays into the 'tell the lady what she wants to hear, let's assume all women want relationships and all men are trying to prove they are trustworthy and not actually just after sex' stereotype.

I opened a Fab account again the other day - not sure I'm brave enough for it! Absolute deluge as of course it is for every woman but..... yikes[/quote]
@ibelieveinmirrorballs

That's interesting that you've read on Tinder about men not wanting hook ups. In my experience a lot of profiles would be blank, or state something extremely vague about 'wanting a partner in crime' ...

I agree and my opinion is also that a lot of men just say what the women want to hear...

How are you finding Fab?
Apologies if I've asked you this already, it could have been a different user recently.
I was on it a few years ago, had a mixed/varied experience...also got very tired of single men desperately trying to bye you for attention... If I were to go back again, I'd be looking for something completely different (more group stuff)...I feel I'm sort of done with the single man experience on there, and I'd prefer genuine intimacy and care if it was one on one again (wishful thinking!)

@Isitreallyme177 He's paying you this attention so naturally you would think it means he likes you. Are you worried he won't be interested in anything more serious? Personally I would use your dinner with him as a way of moving things into something more. The more time you spend focusing on Mr Cricket, then less time on real people who you might be able to date. My feeling is he does like you given all this attention so you have nothing to lose.

Thank you@Eesha. I think because I've been so busy for the past 10 days I've not had a chance to think let alone over think. Now I have a quiet day I'm thinking (bad move). I just worry he doesn't like me which is stupid as he obviously does otherwise he wouldn't keep seeing me or agree to dinner. Yes I'm thinking dinner might be a good way of moving things one way or the other.

@Isitreallyme177 he must like you as a person but be careful of falling into the friend zone trap and then be cast aside when a prospective date comes up for him. This has happened to me as I tend to come across as nice but I think these types of characters tend to like women fawning over them/treat em mean types. It's interesting he said one date became stalkerish when he didn't reply when online (i could be getting confused there), that's an amber flag as it seems like any woman asking questions about a relationship are deemed stalkerish.

@Eesha yes that was what he said, I assume there was other stuff that she did to make him think like that. They went on two dates so not as if they were at the talking about relationship stage. He is away this week then working for a couple of weeks so dinner won't be for another 2 weeks most probably. So plenty of time for me to calm down and stop worrying.

I’d agree to be careful @Isitreallyme177 and think about whether you’re just accepting crumbs from Mr Cricket. By telling you that about another woman (if that was him) he’s alerting you to the fact he doesn’t like being questioned and will class you as stalkerish if you do the same.

I think it’s easy for us to think “but he must like me or he wouldn’t do X, Y, or Z!” but we forget that if they know we like THEM, we become an easy source of attention/validation/ego stroking for them. So whenever they want to feel good about themselves and get a dopamine hit of validation, they know exactly who to text or call. Meanwhile we’re thinking “yay they fed me a crumb! See, they DO like me..!”

I think your dinner is a great opportunity to get an answer one way or another, but I’d be careful about anything physical happening because you might be thinking that it would mean things have changed whilst he could be thinking he’s made his feelings clear and is still on the apps looking.

Mr cricket sounds like a user to me. Knows you like him more than he likes you. Further involvement just keeps you in limbo and his ego high. If he liked you I think you’d know. Men who are genuinely interested take you off the market

@Cherpcherp it was me who posted about MrE. He's just being a pain and i seem to be being far too nice with him. Just being on the receiving end is really shit. But sent him a ' i just want to move on and you should too text.' So far nothing back. Good for you for chatting about changing the plans to something you're more comfortable with. I've found that a lot of the time we (me) transfer my fears/worries from my head into others when in fact they feel entirely differently.

Can't recall who mixed up the therapy place with a Vegetable saler but i needed that giggle today. Been stuck in a database trying to manage insane requests from seemingly incapable people that earn masses more than me.

So good to see all the advice on navigating ghosting/fizzling/fading even when its months into a seemingly 'good' relationship. Everyone seems to be in agreement that we let them take too much head-space. But everyone deals with things differently. I think it's easy to get reliant on the texts/calls and then to 'only' be happy about your day when you get that text, but your day is in your hands and/family/work/friends as well. Some like to block/delete some try to get answers. And i agree with dropdead about wanting to send a message without sounding needy. At the end of the day their behaviour is what's causing the 'neediness.'

@SpringlikeBunk how random that your event would turn out like it did! Any news on if they plan to have another event? You'd think with everything openening up again places would be extra cautious about over-booking. Good to hear someone IRL looked worth chatting too. I think i'd have made the decision not to go grab something to eat with those that asked though that could have been a mighty awkward experience.

@Isitreallyme177 be careful with MrCricket you have posted a lot about him. I agree the dinner together will give you an opportunity to get things out in the open. How long have you known each other and have you ever chatted about what you're both looking for?

@Naimee87 definitely far too nice. You don’t owe him anything more than he’s already had. I might be being over the top because of my own experiences but it seems he’s testing boundaries/trying to grind you down, he should just except you ending things and move on gracefully

@Naimee87

I know it's mental! I think the point of the event was it to be quite "organised" - so even though the same people were sitting there it felt like a dud?

Like the point of me signing up was to "turn up and just enjoy chatting" and then it felt like "random night out with group of people I don't know".

I'm socially confident enough to do it, but equally I didn't want to have to? Plus a few women left early and I think there was an imbalance in numbers anyway, so it felt like me, two women who were friends and 8 blokes

They've e-mailed to say they'll organise another event, re-book onto that, and give us 50% off another.

What I'll do is ask for a refund (not sour grapes - work busy), meet new people and find new hobby groups anyway IRL, and maybe go another time?

The move is fine practically. I'm thinking I'd like to take on some extra work stuff which if I "lean in" I can manage but will really push my time - so that's kind of squeezing "random socialising dating time" out even more!

That said, I don't want to revirginise and my hymen to grow back these two years and completely detach from dating and start having crushes on colleagues!

So I'll keep looking for ways to "keep my hand" in with dating and romance, even if just occasionally.

It's just not in my nature to be so 'harsh' but this is probably why i've been walked all over in the past. My boundries were pretty non-existent. Well seems now i've learned from this and know exactly what i don't want. I give him to the weekend then i'll block/delete. Thing is he seems to have other numbers. I think @Iamclearlyamug had something similar when trying to block a bad-iron he reached her on other numbers he had. Hope alls well with MrPolish(that correct, been a while)

@SpringlikeBunk that's so graphic! And never never ever going to happen.

DO NOT TAKE ON MORE WORK (unless you truly love it. I'd take on extra trucking jobs) but definitely focus on hobbies, friends and get yourself socialising. Not sure if you have an office/computer job but if you do try get awaaaaay from the screen. It's so unbelievably dull.

I was chatting to my friend yesterday telling her i'd had this massively sexy dream about this young scottish guy i had a fling with at work about a year or so ago. It just kind of fizzled out, with no hard feelings really, was only ever just fun! First ever younger man i slept with and it was good but i 100% prefer them old! Anyway today randomly he messages me through work chat asking how i am??? So spooky, magnet-man now young-scot. Maybe they are secretly supporting me getting through to MrE its OVER.

o whenever they want to feel good about themselves and get a dopamine hit of validation, they know exactly who to text or call. Meanwhile we’re thinking “yay they fed me a crumb! See, they DO like me..!

Jesus you are a clever woman !!!!
You just nailed overseas obsession and probably many of the men we are all lamenting
Except he got more than validation
He got wank fodder
Which I don’t mind hahaha 🤣
Fucker

@Naimee87

Good for you - I also have found with improving my own boundaries that setting them earlier on means less issues down the line?

Like with say last night, I "could have" hung out/exchanged contact details with some of the guys . A few years ago I'd have done that!

But honestly I wasn't that excited about getting to know them and would have made excuses not to meet up.

So I'd have just had "random people" I felt obliged to, and they would have thought "well why did she exchange contacts and give us false hope if she didn't want to stay in touch"?

So in a way it's good to be a bit harsh/less people-pleasing if it means that later on there's less issues?

If you keep indulging MrE, he'll see you as someone he can contact again in the future as you reply politely.

Work is "dream career" stuff - was it Gloria Steinem who said "women are becoming the men they used to want to marry"? So not a chore to take on, plus it "opens up meeting new cool people" as well!

@Naimee87 you’re right it was me with the bad iron on different numbers.

I actually used that experience for something good today - I’ve been trialling a personal safety app for the company my ex-husband works for, and today I did a video interview talking about my experience with that iron - if I can help just one person keep themselves safe then it’ll have been worthwhile, as I’m definitely not one for attention and the limelight 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

As for mr Polish, he’s very definitely MrP now, we’re getting to spend lots of time together and he’s a fantastic bloke - still taking things easy since I clearly can’t trust my own judgement, but all good signs so far 🥰🥰

@Iamclearlyamug lovely to hear everythings going well. I think cultural differences have a lot to play where MrE is concerned if i'm honest. Very different up-bringings which i had worried about in the beginning. Hopefully i'll be well rid soon.

@SpringlikeBunk i see so you're in a good job then, this is the dream. If you love your job you never have to work again! I guess taking on more work will undoubtedly make you happy and give you chance to meet new people. I got one more truck exam to pass a theory/speaking one then i'm fully licensed for the road. Starting with trailer lessons too. I definitely don't want MrE contacting me in the future. I don't want him to think we can be friends.

On my way to Date Zero with Mr Outside, I'll toilet update shortly!

@dancemom

On my way to Date Zero with Mr Outside, I'll toilet update shortly!

Oooh exciting!! Love a loo update

@Naimee87 I may not have followed your whole story in full but I'm wondering whether your iron is simply confused about the about turn in your feelings when things seemed to be going well

@dancemom eagerly awaiting the toilet update 😍

@Isitreallyme177 when you meet up with mr cricket who invites who? Is it him saying to you shall we meet for coffee?

Two date zeros incoming this evening.