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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 213 - falling into Autumn leaves

998 replies

BelladiMamma · 14/09/2021 15:03

New thread ๐Ÿงต with the rules as a screenshot ๐Ÿ‚

Dating thread 213 - falling into Autumn leaves
OP posts:
SortingItOut · 22/09/2021 18:25

@Heartbeats0708 Crying is definitely cathartic, I just need to get out of the mindset that crying is a sign of weakness.

Thanks for asking, I did see Mr K last night but we didn't celebrate our anniversary, we had been invited out to a speed quiz and food so we went to that instead, it was such great fun I'm pleased we went.
The meal is tentatively planned for early October, I've got a week off and we won't be so rushed with my work meetings and late finishes.
I now won't see him properly until next Fri as he is away fishing (with my brother) for 4 days๐Ÿ™„ and then next week I have work meetings on both nights we'd usually meet.....

Shayelle2009 · 22/09/2021 18:31

@SpringlikeBunk @MayEye imagine, if you will, a young (I mean late 30s) Christian Slaterโ€ฆ but with a shock of blond hair! Blonde is not my type but I seem to end up with them โ˜บ๏ธ Quite excited for next week, but mustn't get me hopes up! I will of course be going maximum glam to the next class.. itโ€™s a nice excuse to make an effort anyways ๐Ÿ˜ฌ

Spring who tf is that guy.. I would literally have his babies! ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ

@Hehx3 that is deep ๐Ÿ˜” did you contact him at all though or was it just left silence hanging on both sides?? I dont get people, who the fuck can do thatโ€ฆ men can be so cold ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ

@Naimee87 I have literally been in situations where I wondered if i was going to come out of it alive with exs. Itโ€™s really common and itโ€™s not your fault..itโ€™s not like we ask for this shit. Hopefully itโ€™s done and dusted now hey.. how you feeling? xx

MayEye · 22/09/2021 18:33

I think I need a cathartic cry or ideally to find a quiet spot and scream Grin I know I need to start therapy to work through my issues but I keep putting it off, I think Iโ€™m ready but then make excuses Confused
I need to take a leaf out of your books Sorting and Heartbeats

Shayelle2009 · 22/09/2021 18:33

@SpringlikeBunk โ€˜so i left him to sell things on ebayโ€™โ€ฆ you never fail to extract an involuntary cackle out of me.. haha ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Shayelle2009 · 22/09/2021 18:34

Whats the matter @MayEye ๐ŸŒธ๐Ÿ’ž

Earlgrey19 · 22/09/2021 18:46

Evening all, new iron Mr Poet was discussing OLD and Feeld was among the apps he previously used, tho he said itโ€™s more for hook ups & heโ€™s not at that place in his life now. Does Feeld basically mean threesomes, do you think?

SortingItOut · 22/09/2021 18:49

@MayEye I have been putting mine off, I always had a good reason why not to go, then a few months ago I decided that after my DD went to Uni was the time.
Last month in a fit of confidence I went on the BAPTC site and searched for local Councillors, read up on them all, checked their websites and emailed one.
She then called me within hours and we booked a session for 1month later.
I paid in advance and I wasn't wasting my money๐Ÿ˜‚
I'm so pleased I took the leap and went to my session, I know this will do me the world of good.

Could you start by looking at the BAPTC site or there are others and seeing who is local and who you like the sound of?

Hehx3 · 22/09/2021 19:19

Hey, thank you for all the sympathy ๐Ÿ™‚after those 3 msgs that he sent to me and 2 more from me that he didn't reply to I have not contacted him again (he neither), no birthday wishes, nothing, like we never existed. I let him go in peace cause I felt Im only hurting him and myself needing answers. It was hard, knocked me down as it wasn't really humane. I took it personally that I must meant nothing. However now I see it differently. I guess what I wanted to say by all of this is that people can be unpredictable but also that feelings/emotions change and no-one is worth our despair it just takes time to process it all. You are all truly wonderful x

Earlgrey19 · 22/09/2021 19:25

Therapy & counselling website is BACP :-)
If you look for local therapists who are listed as โ€˜accreditedโ€™ members of BACP (therapists donโ€™t have to be accredited to be on their register, though they all do have to have passed a BACP proficiency exam). Accredited members have a certified training/level of experience and have gone through a very rigorous process of accreditation.

You can guess my professional sphere ;-)

Agree therapy so helpful, Iโ€™m still in mine.

SortingItOut · 22/09/2021 19:56

@Earlgrey19 Thanks for correcting me, the BAPTC is a vegetable wholesaler in the Philippines so unless @MayEye thinks vegetables will help her then she should stick with BACP๐Ÿ˜‚

Heartbeats0708 · 22/09/2021 19:59

@SortingItOut ๐Ÿคฃ vegetables are good for you but not that good! Crying is definitely not weakness, there's a quote somewhere about it being when you've been strong for too long or something. I don't necessarily buy into that but my therapists office is truly my safe space where I can say anything I need to and thrash out issues. Sometimes when realisation hits me and the penny drops, it does get emotional.
@Earlgrey19 do you mind if I pick your brains re therapist training if that's your area of expertise?

Shayelle2009 · 22/09/2021 20:25

Admire the way you have processed it @Hehx3 people can indeed often be shitty x

Misty9 · 22/09/2021 20:29

The other place you can look for therapists is the counselling directory and you'll get lots of clinical psychologists on that too.

So Mr runner is being renamed dickface... I'm pretty pissed off with how little he seems to think of me after everything I've supported him through. Haven't heard from him since last night, when he ordered me to stop worrying Hmm yep, I'll do that. By dumping your arse. I'm still ill and I've no doubt dealing with him and all his stress has contributed in no small way to my body being so depleted. Not that he seems to give a shit.

Lana07 · 22/09/2021 20:42

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SpringlikeBunk · 22/09/2021 20:50

making myself a cup of tea, SPEED DATING DISASTER update to follow...Grin

MayEye · 22/09/2021 20:52

Kettle hurry up and boil!!!

SpringlikeBunk · 22/09/2021 21:30

Righto. I am back EARLY. No speed dating occurred!

Was running late.

(lesson learned - I REALLY don't need to dress up for dating. Just reasonably figure flattering clean clothes and hiking boots worked - I do pay attention to my casual style, and have flattering hair and glasses but going out style is so "casual" now the whole works just seem excessive?)

Got to venue (ID'd at door - mid thirties so haha), bit worried/self conscious about turning up alone? Nice vibe in bar, nice to be "out-out" again.

Found roped off area which looked speed-datey and organiser guy said to wait in bar for a bit.

Two guys (friends) who said they were also there for the event were also told to wait.

Not 100% my type but a good laugh, gentlemanly. We joined up and got drinks, all was well.

News filtered back from the organiser. TWO speed dating events booked for same evening.

So the bar was full of slightly cross "rogue speed daters" who were expecting an organised night out - we'd been cancelled for the other event?

Obviously the possibility of "hanging out as a group" was there but tbh not what I went out for? We all gravitated to the same tables but it just felt a bit flat.

I wanted an organised night out where I could "privately decide who I fancied etc" and I didn't want the whole "group dynamics" situation in a new city with a lot of strangers.

I think everyone felt the same way - the two friends hinted I should join them as they went for food (nice gesture) but that just seemed more than I'd come out for?

(I am kind of a cunt but also I didn't want the guys who were obviously quite shy/maybe not going to get much attention to feel left out?).

There was one guy who I had a "making eyes" moment with who was in the OTHER speed dating group who had the venue and said "Hi" and who was very attractive.

So i was somewhat tempted to slip him my number.

But again, I kind of am not in the mood for "overfunctioning" right now? Plus it seemed quite rude to the guys in my group to just defect to a guy in the other group.

I left early without finishing my complimentary drink, as it just seemed too "loose" and all over the place, and I didn't fancy one of those "random studenty nights out that go nowhere when I could be at home".

So overall - not the best speed dating event in the world! Hmm

Will wait and see what they do with refunds. A lot of people were fairly pissed off as they'd come in from the next town, got all dressed up, got the train in etc.

If it was a big rich company I'd expect a refund and a free event, though I expect they've been struggling with lockdown.

Pilates tonight, lots of work on but will reconsider the dating strategy in next few weeks! (the guy in the other group was very personable, so if I'd just signed up to that company instead.....Grin)

SpringlikeBunk · 22/09/2021 21:55

@Shayelle2009

thats Quill! MrMilitary had that slight Action Man irresistible fuckboy vibe

0.45 here Wink

Shayelle2009 · 22/09/2021 22:07

Oh noooo @SpringlikeBunk thatโ€™s such a pity the double booking confusion spoiled things. Iโ€™d have been the same though if things arenโ€™t flowing or feeling natural then no point over functioning. Youโ€™re so brave for going though!! Maybe thereโ€™ll be another one that will be without the organisational hitches??

Shayelle2009 · 22/09/2021 22:11

Orrrr google the one that stayed there and sign up to them instead/as well??

SpringlikeBunk · 22/09/2021 22:16

@Shayelle2009

Yeh it was a shame for tonight - I mean I think for a few other people they'd really "steeled themselves" to turn up, got dressed up, made the journey in so seemed especially awful for them too?

(I'm in a new city and didn't pay for a drink and could walk to the venue so not much practical fall-out really).

I'd probably go again I think - expect a replacement to be offered at least.

I'd say honestly some guys there were clearly genuine and nice but a bit shy and wouldn't "necessarily be everyone's cup of tea".

But the format makes it less "harsh" for everyone attending, and I think having the 1-1 conversation and being told what to do helps everyone relax a bit?

The weird thing is I looked at the other speed dating company and decided against them. Such is life!

Earlgrey19 · 23/09/2021 00:13

@Heartbeats0708 sure, yes, feel free to DM me re trainings

zonky · 23/09/2021 00:18

@Earlgrey19

Evening all, new iron Mr Poet was discussing OLD and Feeld was among the apps he previously used, tho he said itโ€™s more for hook ups & heโ€™s not at that place in his life now. Does Feeld basically mean threesomes, do you think?
In short, yes. Alternative arrangements, more variety of sexual orientation, FWBs/hookups/threesomes.
Thisisworsethananticpated · 23/09/2021 06:28

Hehx3
Iโ€™m sorry your guy did that . At my work we have a concept of โ€˜completion โ€˜ and getting into OLD again Iโ€™ve realised how important it is
For me also
One guy dumped me the next day after a hook up and Iโ€™ve realised I bear him no acrimony , as at least he was honest !! โ€”and I only wanted a shagโ€”

May Iโ€™m a huge therapy fan and i dip in and out throughout my life
Itโ€™s soo good to get it all out and try to untangle

SpringlikeBunk
Iโ€™m sorry for speed dating ! One day you will look back and laugh
Maybe !?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 23/09/2021 06:37

Iโ€™ve realised that OLD is virtually impossible for me
Iโ€™ve got two (very !) needy kids
Work full time
And have a build ongoing
And single unattached guys not unreasonably want to meet evenings

I need a FWB with a local single dad who has same set up as me

Heโ€™s out there !

But back old I get all the the young ones chasing me and i think the ones my age are chasing younger women
Oy vey !

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