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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 213 - falling into Autumn leaves

998 replies

BelladiMamma · 14/09/2021 15:03

New thread ๐Ÿงต with the rules as a screenshot ๐Ÿ‚

Dating thread 213 - falling into Autumn leaves
OP posts:
Heartbeats0708 · 21/09/2021 07:48

@SortingItOut how did your counselling go? Not asking for details btw just wanted to check in with you. I had mine last week and it was intense but I feel lighter and understand myself and my interactions so much more. Looking forward to next session.

BelladiMamma · 21/09/2021 07:50

@Thisisworsethananticpated @Misty9 it is often salutary reading back through the comms where there's been a mismatch. I saw with a couple of my Covid pen pals that when they were talking about relationship status and goals it often wasn't anything relevant to me but very general. I'd get lots of flattery but given that they'd only met me briefly or not at all, it was complete la la land. I was swept along with it and started to see meaning on their words when they could have been saying that to anyone. Not especially me.

With the why do we get obsessive in comms and contact it's often because we are unsure of the situation so every speck of communication is affirmation. It's an artificial high and soon wears off so we need more.

Speaking of which MrTattoo hadn't messaged me since Saturday so I did crack and message him but he's made no attempt to organise a meet up again, even though I've let him know when I am around.

The two date zeros aren't super promising for Thursday. MrProperty isn't my type and MrGig is a terrible communicator but often posts political stuff on Facebook. Don't know why that's always a bit of a turn off.

I think I've just totally lost my enthusiasm for meeting anyone ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ so I'm focusing on the negatives

OP posts:
Cherpcherp · 21/09/2021 08:11

Thanks guys, no perv convo or any flags likes that, itโ€™s not that Iโ€™m not ready to DTD, personally Iโ€™m pretty quick to get their as Iโ€™ve been burnt waiting and then not being compatible before. I would normally go home and not stay the night though. Itโ€™s the length of the date thatโ€™s freaking me out a little.

Naimee87 · 21/09/2021 08:45

communication is affirmation. It's an artificial high and soon wears off so we need more i like this @BelladiMamma it's so on point. I found myself at times even the replies i was getting weren't even enough either. I just didn't seem to be satisfied on any level which made me realise it was more my issue than the 'texters.' This is why i am much more 'reactive' these days as opposed to 'pro-active' if someone is keen and does like you they will make the effort and want to meet in real life. It's often a waiting game and being patient. I suppose the more kids you have the more patience i imagine you have.
@Cherpcherp i think it sounds like a nice idea but i'd be wary of the duration of the date too. I reckon a 'night' together first is the way to go and in nice familiar surroundings as well. But that's just me. If so far so good and you feel comfortable around him then listen to your gut-instinct as you can't go wrong when you don't ignore what your mind and body are telling you to do.

WeWantTheFinestWines · 21/09/2021 09:16

cherp you have to talk to him. First you have to work out how you feel about his suggestion. Honestly feel, not 'what should I want' or 'what's respectable or acceptable' or 'what would the thread think' but what you genuinely want/don't want. You may not be sure. Maybe you won't know until hours into the date. Whatever is in your head, you should tell him. "I'd love to spend more time with you, but I'm not comfortable moving this fast" or "let's go for it, it would be a great opportunity to get to know each other better, but I need to know we can sleep separately if that's how I'm most comfortable." Or whatever. But not in writing, on the phone/in a video call. If he's a good guy, you'll have an open chat and he'll totally get where you're coming from. If he's not, he won't. And then you'll know.

I think we're all guilty of thinking and pondering and discussing and debating with everyone but the person involved. Meanwhile, we want great comms from them. We want to know what they're thinking, but often we don't tell them what we're thinking. Can't remember which rule it is, but the one about if you are worried about bringing something up because of their reaction then they're not right for you. If I had been braver in the past and brought stuff up, when my gut told me something was wrong, I would have saved myself some drawn-out heartache. It's like the whole waiting around for them to suggest a date. If you want to go on a date, suggest a date. If they want to meet you they'll say yes, if they don't they won't. What have you lost?

That turned into a completely different rant! But it's what I think every time someone wonders when the faceless texting iron will suggest a date. Why are you waiting around and giving them all the power? Ask them! They're faceless. They don't even know you. If they say no, they're saying no to some words and pictures, not a real life flesh and blood person. So it doesn't count as rejection, just establishing whether you're wasting your time or not.

And that's my Thought For The Day.

WeWantTheFinestWines · 21/09/2021 09:17

It's really annoying how the app ignores paragraph breaks. Sorry about the massive block of text.

MayEye · 21/09/2021 09:38

cherp I agree with wewant in the thinking about what you want first without all the constraints of what you should do. If you are ready to dtd but you donโ€™t want a weekend, do an overnight with a plan to leave by a set time the next morning (can be extended then if all goes well)
Maybe to reassure my current iron suggested a whole weekend together after 2 dates and I was a bit scared about spending all that time together so soon. But we planned loads to do outside of the hotel and really talked and got to know each other over the weekend and I really enjoyed it - surprisingly to me! Have just spent a second weekend together and not bored yet!
We are long distance though so canโ€™t meet often so we need a weekend to catch up properly (and dtd loadsGrin)

BelladiMamma · 21/09/2021 09:52

@WeWantTheFinestWines fine words of wisdom ๐Ÿ˜Š

OP posts:
HairyArsedMan · 21/09/2021 10:25

@SpringlikeBunk I haven't pried about financial stuff. Just know that similar trips have been undertaken and talked of recent promotion to six figures; that's why it felt like throwing the ball back in my court. I'm wondering whether, in the general give and take of things, putting up with my relative unavailability (every other weekend) is where she's doing the giving, as I've done all the travelling over more than half a dozen dates. I do appreciate there are other costs to dating for her, of course. I'm not asking anyone to splash for a hotel !

@BelladiMamma Last brief encounter was surprisingly decent. Hence me trying to push the boat out a bit to meet again but with some compromising. So I was alarmed at the lack of compromise really. Next step is a chat this weekend once my childcare handover is done. Hers are grown and flown but nearby.

VanGoghsDog · 21/09/2021 10:37

[quote HairyArsedMan]@SpringlikeBunk I haven't pried about financial stuff. Just know that similar trips have been undertaken and talked of recent promotion to six figures; that's why it felt like throwing the ball back in my court. I'm wondering whether, in the general give and take of things, putting up with my relative unavailability (every other weekend) is where she's doing the giving, as I've done all the travelling over more than half a dozen dates. I do appreciate there are other costs to dating for her, of course. I'm not asking anyone to splash for a hotel !

@BelladiMamma Last brief encounter was surprisingly decent. Hence me trying to push the boat out a bit to meet again but with some compromising. So I was alarmed at the lack of compromise really. Next step is a chat this weekend once my childcare handover is done. Hers are grown and flown but nearby.[/quote]
I'm imagining the "environmental issues" to be a tarantula in its tank in the corner of her bedroom putting you off.......or her dog licking you......

Anyway, of course there should be compromise. You only being available alternate weekends isn't a compromise for her really. And you shouldn't be doing all the traveling either.

If the environmental issue means going to hers is difficult, then surely she has to come to you at least some of the time?

BelladiMamma · 21/09/2021 11:48

@HairyArsedMan hmmm ๐Ÿค” sounds like you need to have a proper chat and see where she's coming from. Otherwise you're stuck in this loop ... not very romantic though is it. 'How much money have you paid for waxing vs childcare and fuel this month' ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ

OP posts:
HairyArsedMan · 21/09/2021 13:01

I could potentially be hit for a heck of lot on the waxing front @BelladiMamma ! Grin

@VanGoghsDog It's the elephant in the room ... Wink I do think the difference in availability is a lurking issue but perhaps something that preoccupies me disproportionately.

Thanks folks. Will go back to mostly reading again and update next week.

SortingItOut · 21/09/2021 13:12

@Heartbeats0708 Thanks for asking, it was an interesting first session mainly setting the scene of why I wanted counselling and also a brief overview of my life interspersed with a lot of crying (in real life I rarely cry so I find it hard to manage, hopefully I'll cry less as time goes on...or not๐Ÿ˜‚) . All of that took just over an hour๐Ÿ™„
I'm looking forward to next week.

I'm glad you found your first session helpful and are looking forward to the next.

Languidleopard · 21/09/2021 13:17

@Dropdeadfred2 agree with others that the key with dealing with low communication is to keep busy, have lots of contact with other people and have interests and passions that don't involve the object of your affection.

I often leave it a few hours before replying to messages simply because I have a really busy life - no offence intended. This may be the case with him, particularly if he's looking after his daughter?

I also think low communication can sometimes trigger anxiety from a previous relationship. For example, my ex used to disappear for days on end to make a point/punish me. I have to remind myself that not all men are like him and check in with myself that I responding to the situation I'm in now rather than the one I used to be in? Hard to explain, but hope that makes sense?

Languidleopard · 21/09/2021 13:22

@HairyArsedMan I agree with @VanGoghsDog that you only being available alternate weekends doesn't involve her compromising much.

You should try and split the travel 50/50, unless there is a massive discrepancy in your incomes which surely would have been obvious by now. If I was her I would be curious to see your place as you can learn so much about someone by being in their home!

Dropdeadfred2 · 21/09/2021 13:22

[quote Languidleopard]@Dropdeadfred2 agree with others that the key with dealing with low communication is to keep busy, have lots of contact with other people and have interests and passions that don't involve the object of your affection.

I often leave it a few hours before replying to messages simply because I have a really busy life - no offence intended. This may be the case with him, particularly if he's looking after his daughter?

I also think low communication can sometimes trigger anxiety from a previous relationship. For example, my ex used to disappear for days on end to make a point/punish me. I have to remind myself that not all men are like him and check in with myself that I responding to the situation I'm in now rather than the one I used to be in? Hard to explain, but hope that makes sense?[/quote]
This does make sense...i havent spoken to him since i left him on Saturday. I have sent him two messages and tried to call once. I will leave it now

middlingmess · 21/09/2021 13:25

Hi everyone, do you mind if I drop in to ask a question?
I've been OLD (bumble only atm) for 2 weeks, and I get lots of swipes but I only swipe on a few a week.
Of these at the moment I'm chatting to a couple, but no mention of meeting up.
I'm loathed to suggest coffee etc as I have found in the past if a guys not that interested then it's best just to leave it rather than flog a dead horse - plus I need/want a guy who is switched on and has his own initiative.
Is that ok?
Do I need to join all the apps? Where I live is pretty rural and I am attractive/solvent/educated etc - but over 40 and non-white and so I am struggling to find enough 'traffic' - I'd love to start dating, but nothing is happening and I can't be bothered wasting time messaging people and swiping, it's so boring and so disheartening Sad (I am a happy, positive person usually!)

middlingmess · 21/09/2021 13:26

Forgot to say I'm looking for a relationship, but a genuine FWB would be amazing too.

Languidleopard · 21/09/2021 13:35

@Misty9

Evening all. *@HairyArsedMan* I think expecting you to travel to her all the time is a bit off. Coupled with the other issue, does it feel there's enough there to balance all this? *@Dropdeadfred2* sorry you're feeling rubbish :( it's a bloody roller-coaster isn't it? I'd definitely suggest having a phone conversation with your guy, when you can, before you make any drastic decisions. Especially as it seemed to be going well in person.

My update... Well, it was good to see Mr runner but he was distant and I felt vulnerable. I'm suspecting that he's actually emotionally unavailable, and I'm done with that so am seriously questioning where we go from here. I raised feeling disconnected, and he got very defensive and turned it round on me, saying I'm oversensitive. But, there are events occurring tomorrow beyond both of our control which may decide things for us. So I'm parking it for now. But suffice to say, I'm not feeling good having seen him and I'm asking myself why I'm sticking around. Objectively I have a great life and good friends. I just get lonely and sad sometimes. But I know it passes. Sigh. Believe me, I'm pretty self aware and know what I need to do. I just wanted to vent on here :(

@Misty9 the over sensitive comment would be an amber alert for me. Being defensive is a way of shutting people down and not good. We're all human though I suppose, so if it's a one off I would let it pass.

Not feeling good after seeing him would worry me more, because I think relationships should bring you joy. Again everyone has bad days and that may be the case here.

I hate feeling vulnerable and sometimes it can be hard to distinguish whether it's my discomfort at being vulnerable or that they're being a dick. I usually find the answer emerges after a few days sitting with it so I think parking it is a good plan Smile

Languidleopard · 21/09/2021 13:40

@middlingmess

Forgot to say I'm looking for a relationship, but a genuine FWB would be amazing too.
Welcome @middlingmess no words of wisdom I'm afraid but just wanted to show some solidarity with you as I have the same issue with Bumble!

Plenty of matches, quite a few convos but only 2 IRL dates, one of which was initiated by me. So it's not just you, if that helps?

Penpallers have been the bain of my life on there tbh. Why go on a dating app if you don't actually want to meet?!

zonky · 21/09/2021 13:45

@middlingmess

Forgot to say I'm looking for a relationship, but a genuine FWB would be amazing too.
For a NSA /FWB/FB arrangements you could try Tinder/Bumble (not sure if you're already on these apps?), make it clear in your profile what you're looking for: I'm fairly certain the response rate will be much more overwhelming. In my experience it was a lot easier to find casual arrangements than a conventional relationship.

If you're feeling brave, want to experiment sexually, there is Fab Swingers - men/women/couples looking for like-minded individuals to experiment with, seek out a FWB and/or potentially expand your horizons. A crazy imbalanced ratio of men to women on there, which means you'll never be short of offers. I set up a rogue account not so long ago with no photos, just a basic profile to see the rate of responses: in one day, I received 200 messages! Shows how prized sex is I guess, just the very fact women are offering it....

I did dabble with Fab a few years ago and it was mostly a good, fun experience.

I hope this helps!

SpringlikeBunk · 21/09/2021 14:16

Good sign for my speed dating, I got a random zombie text from MrSmooth who I went on one meet with (charming but too slaggy so I went to put some things on eBay rather than continue the date) and then met MrC that afternoon so dropped him.

Just reminds me of how weird and fucking entitled the tone of "attractive men on the apps" is - one message, then instantly into the "oh I'd love to visit X city, we could have a good night" and now asking me to "send a pic".

We haven't been in regular contact at all after our first meet, apart from him inviting himself along on my staycation (first time I'm out of the city post lockdown, you can f the f off).

(he's clearly just run out of women to text locally)

So hopefully MrSmooth is the sign that means I'll get someone steady and local like MrC from speed dating!

BelladiMamma · 21/09/2021 14:29

@SpringlikeBunk zombie ๐ŸงŸโ€โ™‚๏ธ apocalypse incoming into 'cuffing season' ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ‚ noooo thank you!

@zonky god I'm such a prude I could never put casual on tinder or bumble as I so frequently see people I know on there ๐Ÿ™Š

@HairyArsedMan ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ waxing ... btw I have to tell guys I love body hair as it's not the fashun these days is it. I love me a good Dad bod / Joy of Sex hirsute male ๐Ÿ˜

OP posts:
SpringlikeBunk · 21/09/2021 14:36

@HairyArsedMan

Agree a conversation is needed - I know I've been a bit loath to commit to travelling as sometimes it's living on a budget (retrained late in life so "aren't as well off as people can perceive" plus like living cheaply and considering early retirement as family ill health history?).

But if it's not money, and you're not happy, then I guess you need to convey this?

It does sound a little bit transactional tbh - like neither of you is really "100% into each other", but maybe it just needs emotional honesty.

SpringlikeBunk · 21/09/2021 14:42

@BelladiMamma

"Hi how have u been"

"long time no speak!"

"we must catch up some time, was just thinking about you"

Hmm
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