Dating thread 213 - falling into Autumn leaves

[BelladiMamma]

New thread 🧵 with the rules as a screenshot 🍂

I find i need some kind of inbetween because MrE was too full on but Magnet-man was too few/far between so i never really knew where i stood. But i suppose when you're in a healthy relationship and feelings are 'mutual' you shouldn't need the reassurances texts, you should be able to relax into it knowing the other person has as well. But very easy to say, very hard to do.

True dat @Naimee87

With my long term trusted people (not many, mind!) I'm more relaxed about communication and it feels unforced?

If there's an imbalance and one party seems to be or feels like they are overfunctioning/pushing it's never good.

Basic courtesy as in someone "valuing my time" as I'm valuing theirs is so important as well IMO.

@Dropdeadfred2 I agree with @Naimee87 who asked whether you had discussed communication now you are not so local to each other?

If he was working up here it is possible that he had compartmentalised his life near you with work and dating but his life in his home town is him being dad 50% of the time.

If he has his daughter and works does he have time to communicate with you as regularly as when he doesnt have his DD?

It is so hard when communication styles change but I do think you need to talk to him and hang fire on merting his DD while you are having this wobble.

What is your life like outside of dating? Do you have friends and hobbies which keep you busy?
Your life doesn't need to revolve around him otherwise you become reliant on him for validation and when it's not forthcoming you lose all perspective.

Yes this is the same guy...i know in reality i only saw him on Saturday when we said goodbye.. but I'm not used to people not wanting to reply to messages. .i would never do that to anyone else.

We did discuss me meeting his daughter. In not at i should do that until i know whether i can cope with this level of communication....i do have lots of friends and im not lonely ..i just wish i dudnt like him so much ...oh well... its my problem.
Study to hear you've been through similar...6 weeks!! That's awful

@SpringlikeBunk it was quite something to see the pushyness coming from a man like with MrE. I'm sure this is more typically how women are although this may be a generalisation. But to have definitely been an over-texter to have then been on the receiving end i've learned to 'step away from the phone' and be patient as this is all it takes really. If someone is keen they'll let you know. I think if you're getting regular little check-ins/updates this is sufficient. Some people really don't like to be stuck to their phones. But really you just have to have the conversation if you're feeling stuck/frustrated and maybe the answer isn't what you want to hear but that clears the path ahead to move on to brighter less frustrating pastures!

I've just found some screenshots of some of Computer Geek's and mine messages and I can't believe how much he sucked me in and how much I had changed. They are the complete opposite to my messages with Mr Cricket. I don't recognise myself in them.

@Naimee87 This is how it is with me and Mr Cricket, I'm a massive texter whereas he isn't so I've had to train myself not to send the boring mundane ones. We send one every few days now where we catch up. I sent him one of Friday's sunrise on Friday and we exchanged some messages, I sent him a short video of David Guetta(he asked me to send him some), he is going to send me some from his holiday. In between I've gone off and done my own thing and not worried about it.

I've hidden my 'card' on tinder as it was just repeating, and I've been concentrating on fb dating.
Chatting to a few irons, one has stood out and I'm going to call him MrTree. We seem to have a lot in common, have swapped numbers and he suggested a quick phone call last night... which turned into 2hours on the phone!
I'm keen not to get over invested and would like to meet him for a coffee. I was hoping he would suggest it but so far not. I'm wondering if I should just bite the bullet and ask? Or should I let him lead the way and see if he asks and if he doesn't then well at least I'll know where I am...

@Dropdeadfred2 How do you know he doesn't WANT to reply?
What if he can't? What if he is just so busy he doesn't have time to have a decent conversation by message?

I know that I can leave messages unread for hours before I reply as although I might have 10 seconds to read and reply I then don't have more time to read that reply and reply myself.

Do you know what his plans were for this week? Could he just be busy?

Hmm, I've been putting off thoughts about how I feel about meeting MissBC again after a long spell apart. We met for a drink since but it was relatively brief (midweek) and we didn't really talk about the elephant in the room, though it was nice to be away from those 'environmental issues'.

I have since suggested travelling to me and I would grab a babysitter but she said the travel was too expensive 🤔 I felt a bit annoyed about that - I could understand if there was some financial situation that meant that money was tight, but it wasn't that. I felt like it was being thrown back to me to do the travelling and that would roughly double the babysitting cost on top of everything else. So I just said it would have to be another time.

I don't think there's anything malign or 'using' in that but it does seem to be only seeing things from her point of view and not putting herself in my shoes. I'm kind of wondering how much of that sort of thinking/consideration I have any right to expect from her given that I'm the more constrained of the two of us ?

@HairyArsedMan

Hmm, I've been putting off thoughts about how I feel about meeting MissBC again after a long spell apart. We met for a drink since but it was relatively brief (midweek) and we didn't really talk about the elephant in the room, though it was nice to be away from those 'environmental issues'.

I have since suggested travelling to me and I would grab a babysitter but she said the travel was too expensive 🤔 I felt a bit annoyed about that - I could understand if there was some financial situation that meant that money was tight, but it wasn't that. I felt like it was being thrown back to me to do the travelling and that would roughly double the babysitting cost on top of everything else. So I just said it would have to be another time.

I don't think there's anything malign or 'using' in that but it does seem to be only seeing things from her point of view and not putting herself in my shoes. I'm kind of wondering how much of that sort of thinking/consideration I have any right to expect from her given that I'm the more constrained of the two of us ?

From the way you've phrased it I'm guessing she doesn't have children?

I agree that it does seem a bit 'the man has to do the running to show he's interested'. Which we can all be guilty of.

How did you leave it? How did you feel when you saw her, do you want to pursue things, is there enough there? If so, you're going to have to talk it out, probably over a drink rather than a 'leading to bedroom night out ...'

@Walkingalot sorry just replying to you late as been at work but yes we did exchange numbers- but long story short he lost his phone that night but came back to find me and we connected on fb so he has been in touch since.

Evening all. @HairyArsedMan I think expecting you to travel to her all the time is a bit off. Coupled with the other issue, does it feel there's enough there to balance all this?
@Dropdeadfred2 sorry you're feeling rubbish :( it's a bloody roller-coaster isn't it? I'd definitely suggest having a phone conversation with your guy, when you can, before you make any drastic decisions. Especially as it seemed to be going well in person.

My update... Well, it was good to see Mr runner but he was distant and I felt vulnerable. I'm suspecting that he's actually emotionally unavailable, and I'm done with that so am seriously questioning where we go from here. I raised feeling disconnected, and he got very defensive and turned it round on me, saying I'm oversensitive. But, there are events occurring tomorrow beyond both of our control which may decide things for us. So I'm parking it for now. But suffice to say, I'm not feeling good having seen him and I'm asking myself why I'm sticking around. Objectively I have a great life and good friends. I just get lonely and sad sometimes. But I know it passes. Sigh. Believe me, I'm pretty self aware and know what I need to do. I just wanted to vent on here :(

@Misty9

Evening all. *@HairyArsedMan* I think expecting you to travel to her all the time is a bit off. Coupled with the other issue, does it feel there's enough there to balance all this? *@Dropdeadfred2* sorry you're feeling rubbish :( it's a bloody roller-coaster isn't it? I'd definitely suggest having a phone conversation with your guy, when you can, before you make any drastic decisions. Especially as it seemed to be going well in person.

My update... Well, it was good to see Mr runner but he was distant and I felt vulnerable. I'm suspecting that he's actually emotionally unavailable, and I'm done with that so am seriously questioning where we go from here. I raised feeling disconnected, and he got very defensive and turned it round on me, saying I'm oversensitive. But, there are events occurring tomorrow beyond both of our control which may decide things for us. So I'm parking it for now. But suffice to say, I'm not feeling good having seen him and I'm asking myself why I'm sticking around. Objectively I have a great life and good friends. I just get lonely and sad sometimes. But I know it passes. Sigh. Believe me, I'm pretty self aware and know what I need to do. I just wanted to vent on here :(

I'm really sorry you're going through this and sending you a virtual 🤗

However the turning it around thing would have me binning him. Not cool. Grown ups should be able to listen and empathise - if they disagree that's down to them but only you know how you're feeling and saying someone is over sensitive is lazy and rude

@BelladiMamma yes I think the being flakey and hard to guess motives is a good summary. I think women often enjoy the attention without necessarily wanting it to go anywhere

[quote datinginto50s]@BelladiMamma yes I think the being flakey and hard to guess motives is a good summary. I think women often enjoy the attention without necessarily wanting it to go anywhere[/quote]
Rereading it, I meant they are 'too, just like blokes'. I've had some terrible male flakiness on OLD. Not very well written and yes I'm tarring everyone on OLD with the same brush!!

Oh @Misty9 i feel for you. It was a very dismissive thing to say and it would make me feel uncomfortable about bringing things up with him in the future.

I am wondering, do u have the same expectations from a friendship as you would from an iron? Because I find that with me, all irons start as potential friendships and maybe they should carry on being treated as such but at some point lines get blurred. Like with communication, if a friend doesnt reply to my text I think nothing of it so why does it bother me when an iron does it? Any insight?

Evening all, just catching up on all your adventures after a hideous last week at work 😔

Transitioning back to working in the office has left me feeling really run down and various old aches and pains have re-surfaced - I look and feel like shit!

I think my body is telling me to slow down and recharge so I've given my excuses to Mr Slow Texter for tomorrow night. He was very gracious about it and has suggested we meet another time.

I'm still scheduled to go out with MrBreadcrumbs on Friday eve, but we shall see how I feel.

I've snoozed Bumble for a week. Hopefully my stamina will be back by then! For now I'll be living my dating life vicariously through all of you - good luck out there ❤

Definitely agree with @Isitreallyme177 - walked through the City end of town and some nice looking men in the sunshine Might have been some mutual checking out going on. Just nice enjoying that vibe rather than the entitled pushy transactional vibe of the apps.

@HairyArsedMan it sounds like neither of you is mega-enthusiastic about this! That said, do you know for sure what her financial situation actually is for travelling?

I do fine but sometimes I’m surprised at anyone who expects me to easily drop X amount on a train fare/hotel which now can all add up very fast to hundreds!

@Misty9

I agree the “makes me feel bad” is the ultimate test of dating really - why add that to your life?

@anniewilkes21

I’d definitely bring it up - I don’t think there’s any rules, even if the guys fairly traditional it’s only a quick coffee not a proper formal date?

Maybe next time you’re chatting could say something like “let me know if you fancy continuing this over a coffee some time!”

Either way it’s useful information-

the guys who genuinely want to meet will be happy reply with practical suggestions for meeting,

and the pen pals or guys who want sexting will be vague.

Hello again everyone. Back again with another name change.

Have been OLD on and off since Easter. Last iron was the just separated one living up the road from ex and children. Gave that a wide birth.
This iron works local to me but lives down south, about 2 and half hours away. I’ll call him Mr working away. I have him on Facebook so definitely not married. 2 older children. 3 rl dates and plenty of phone calls. Have not DTD yet, dates in restaurants etc. Haven’t been to each other’s houses. He seems very genuine and caring. Absolutely hilarious. He would like to book a hotel night away for the weekend, a city in the middle of us. I know there’s no right answer and everyone is different, but do you think it’s to soon? It’s only been 4 weeks so although not super quick to be DTD seems fast for 2days and a night away.

@Cherpcherp Everyone is different, some DTD on date 1, some on date 10, whatever works for you and whatever you are comfortable with.

Are you thinking a weekend away adds pressure to have sex?

If you feel uncomfortable tell him you would like to date more before you consider a weekend away/DTD.

Like with communication, if a friend doesnt reply to my text I think nothing of it so why does it bother me when an iron does it? Any insight?

No ! But I totally get it . This is why my head got so messed up as one level I could see it wasn’t rational , and on the other level I got totally 💯 obsessed

Misty , I’m the last person to give good advice ! But I think as Others have said you /we need to be happy and need to be able to communicate

Those are very reasonable and basic needs!

This thread is helpful as it shows me what bad and unhealthy habits I reverted to . In simple terms thinking ‘does he like meeeeee’ rather than
‘Do I like him?’

I’ve perked up a tiny bit as a man flirted with me at the park yesterday , I think I’m going to focus on real life flirting and smiling for a while

@Cherpcherp I agree with Sorting there really is no right answer but if you're questioning if it's too soon I think step one is to unpick why you feel like that before you go further. Is it because you're not ready or societal expectations or against your usual norm? If you're not ready to DTD and he might think this is the direction you're heading (due to eg messages/prev conversation) I would set him straight. I've done this before and it's turned out to be a really useful way of figuring guys out, their reaction to this, as well as helpful for me to establish boundaries. Not articulated that very well.
@Misty9 sending you a hug, that sounds rough. I hate the "oversensitive/needy" narrative, it's essentially a criticism of your personality imo.