Dating thread 213 - falling into Autumn leaves

[BelladiMamma]

New thread 🧵 with the rules as a screenshot 🍂

@Shayelle2009 I'm all about real life now. There are so many normal hot men out there. We just have to go out into the real world and find them. They're in the pub, in the gym, at a festival, very rarely they're on Tinder. Now the world is opening up again, the stag dos, the lads holidays, the lads nights out will start happening again.

@Dirtyduck i'm sure you've seen my posts so you know i went about this completely the wrong way with my DS who is also a very mature 12. As much as you can introduce him as a 'friend' i imagine she'll know more is going on with the two of you. Does she know you are dating? Defnitely worth mentioning to her in a conversation that you'll be seeing him while she's with her dad not that she feels your hiding/keeping him from her. This will maybe make her far more curious about the whole thing.
@Shayelle2009 do it! Go stumble into his lap! You know i haven't even seen anyone IRL for a while that i've thought is at all good looking. For now i'm enjoying the silence from MrE although he somehow got a hold of my best friends bf's number and we can't work out how. But since yesterday complete silence from him. Magnet-man's still in touch and i'm really wondering if he'll suggest meeting! This would undo tons of hard-work getting over him but the idea of a night with him is just SO appealing right now!

My OLD journey after a long marriage has been eventful.
Mr Electric…..I fell hard and fast. He turned out to be an abusive narc, started out as dating but moved to FWB (he didn’t tell me that though). It lasted 14 months, mostly through COVID though so lots of no contact physically.
Mr Pat….had a date, went really well. He got very weird over messaging and ghosted me. I’ve a feeling he may have been attached.
Mr Irish…had a date, arranged another but then he ghosted initially, finally messaged to say distance was an issue.
Mr IT…..lots of dates, no chemistry, we’re still in touch as friends.

Now…..Mr Legs……2 dates, all good, he’s funny and we get on very well. We discussed what we were after relationship wise and seemed on the same page. He’s changed the goal posts, and after 2 dates I think he’s after more FWB. On the one hand saying he likes me, he will make time for me (work issues)….he seems eager to stress he’s not wanting a relationship (he’s not relationship material apparently). I can see me falling hard (I seem to like the unobtainable ones). At the minute I’m happy to go with it…..it gets me out 😂 but I’m scared I’ll get invested. Do I walk?
Have a date zero with Mr Van tonight. He seems lovely, but very keen for a relationship, and it makes me nervous 😟
I feel so contradictory, am I sending out mixed messages because I don’t actually know what I want? After a long abusive marriage, I’m very confused as to how I want my future to look.
Why is there such a rush to label things?

Just pass him your number shayelle and run off the train 😆

MrProperty sent me a nice catch up message this morning so I decided to suggest a time - slightly against my new strategy it at least it will 'smoke him out'

That's two date zeros for Thursday. Viewing it more as my to do list now 😁

@Mylifestartstoday Sounds like you are emotionally unavailable which is why Mr Legs sounds a good idea to you, you will not change him so go into this with your eyes wide open.

Have a read of Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.

As for Mr Van, a relationship scares you because you're not emotionally available and getting into a relationship means being vulnerable.

Have you had counselling?

My DD is settling in well, few tears on the day (from both of us) but all good now.
One boy from her block has left already which is a shame but understandable that its not for everyone.

I have my first counselling today, still nervous but excited....

@Heartbeats0708 When is your first counselling?

@SortingItOut. Thanks for your reply. I am having counselling due to my marriage, but it’s a long process and expensive!.I have heard about that book, so will have to find a copy as I think it’s me.
I think I need to stop OLD but I’m lonely, and I guess it gives me something else to think about rather than normal life

@Mylifestartstoday It definitely is expensive and the process can feel never ending.

I read the book (a few months ago) because Mr K said he was (emotionally) guarded so I thought I'd read up about it only to find out I too am emotionally unavailable and everything about my life makes sense.

I never wanted a relationship after I split from my husband as I was done with men,I just had loads of FB/FWB which was great as I made it clear from the start there was nothing more so I didn't have to deal with my feelings from my marriage.

Now I'm ready to address everything, I'm 3 years out but 10 years since I made the decision to leave my husband eventually so this is a long time coming.

Whats wrong with your normal life that you are using dating as a distraction?

because I don’t actually know what I want? After a long abusive marriage, I’m very confused as to how I want my future to look

Same ! To be honest I did the Freedom programme , and I decided that my taste in men is so fucking appalling that I’d be better off stay single
Then , my libido came back , and hard
Gah 😖

We are many of us in the same boat
I thought I just wanted a shag, but turns out I want intimacy too

Belladi two dates in one day ? Lord !

Can I join? NC for this. Currently dating women, and I'm not finding it easier.
Had a really nice first date and agreed we'd meet again, now waiting for a confirmation of the second one. I'm not sure though as not much coming from her, so maybe she's changed her mind.

@Mylifestartstoday I never felt more lonely than I did when I did OLD. The only good thing to come out of it is my friendship with Mr Cricket the rest was awful.

Im really down today. I can't keep on this roller coaster ride. My guy is rubbish at communicating and it makes me feel sad and unwanted when he doesn't pick up the phone or reply to messages. I think I'm going to have to end things . I need to concentrate on getting divorced and getting a new life for myself . I hate feeling needy and pathetic

Dropdeadfred2
It’s shit isn’t it
I keep on internet stalking my obsession
Why ?
When it gets this bad stop
Turn phone off
Get some exercise
Get some fresh air
Meet up with girlfriends and laugh

Whilst working from home with covid is fantastic for a single mum , it also means I’m isolated

Placing emphasis on this OLD shite rather than my actual life xxxx

@Thisisworsethananticpated. Snap! I did the freedom programme and realised how much I’d been abused(I didn’t believe I needed to do it), and my libido came back. Since then I’ve realised how rubbish sex was with my husband, and want to make up for the time wasted……but I get attached. I want sex and intimacy, but not a relationship or FWB 😂
I’m definitely drawn to the unavailable ones, I wish I could separate feelings from sex 🤷‍♀️

Very very similar to me
I say if In doubt , do nowt

But I totally get what you said about feeling shit when they don’t reply
My reaction has been so negative I’ve actually questioned my sanity , and wether I’m ready to date again

My friends are like why are you so fixated on some guy who havnt even met ! Which is a fair question

I don’t know what the answer is but 20 years of a shit abusive relationship is going to leave some scars xxxx

Yes wfh on my own is not great for my sanity.

I know he's rubbish at communication...i hate it but I'm not going to be able to change that.
I just think I'm expecting too much and setting myself for pain further down the line. I need to take control and that means trying to forget about him

Well I deleted my crap communicator yesterday
Not that he knows that!!!! Arsehole
I feel like if I was busy , in an office I’d probably not dwell on him so much
Anyway you have my sympathies and I’m in the same boat

How does one exorcise someone from your brain
I wish I could

@Thisisworsethananticpated

because I don’t actually know what I want? After a long abusive marriage, I’m very confused as to how I want my future to look

Same ! To be honest I did the Freedom programme , and I decided that my taste in men is so fucking appalling that I’d be better off stay single
Then , my libido came back , and hard
Gah 😖

We are many of us in the same boat
I thought I just wanted a shag, but turns out I want intimacy too

Belladi two dates in one day ? Lord !

Both date zeros so Nice and quick if I need them to be! Have located other people I know online from the fan club so have explained the situation to them re the gig and they'll be my get out if I need one!

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Are you not being too hard on yourself?

You had one interaction which didn’t work out, you’ve learned something from it and now know more about what you’re comfortable with.

I think it’s quite natural to get caught up in the whirl of the apps with certain people at first - they definitely have that effect - and then calm down a bit later on. My first few days on tinder were a blur!

There’s a lot of pushy creeps on apps which is why it’s often recommended to hold back a little bit in early chats, and pace yourself. But it’s not the end of the world.

@Thisisworsethananticpated @Dropdeadfred2 I've found that journaling or writing fake messages on my phone in the notes section really helps. Definitely delete the numbers and the messages too. A but like in the old days we used to burn letters (or I did 😂). Create your own closure ritual. Mine was booking my mani pedi for tomorrow yay 😁

@datinginto50s I also date women. You get fewer aggressive or entitled interactions but it's also hard to get right. Women are busy, flakey and hard to predict their motives too. Generally they take you breaking things off way better, they can be over communicators and people pleasers and tie themselves in knots if they're not into you. Back in the day it was way easier, all about clubbing or shared hobbies ... now it's tumbleweed. Every woman IRL I've thought might be bi or lesbian has turned out to be with a bloke ... frustrating but there you are. Am thinking I need to go back to the gay pubs and clubs and see what's out there!!

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@Thisisworsethananticpated

Are you not being too hard on yourself?

You had one interaction which didn’t work out, you’ve learned something from it and now know more about what you’re comfortable with.

I think it’s quite natural to get caught up in the whirl of the apps with certain people at first - they definitely have that effect - and then calm down a bit later on. My first few days on tinder were a blur!

There’s a lot of pushy creeps on apps which is why it’s often recommended to hold back a little bit in early chats, and pace yourself. But it’s not the end of the world.[/quote]
This ^

@SpringlikeBunk you are so good at explaining the reality of OLD ♥️

@Dropdeadfred2 is this the same guy that you were going to be introduced to his daughter? Sorry if i'm confusing things, but is he the one who lives away and you got a sneaky extra night with him? Just wondering if you've spoken about how you want to keep in touch while he is 'away' again. What's your agreement been. Sorry if i've muddled you up with someone else. I am just wondering because one of the reasons me and magnet-man failed was because we just couldn't communicate properly. It wasn't enough for me. He'd pick up after a while of silence and it just made me feel so far down on his priority-list. I never really opened up a conversation with him about it though as i was scared of the answer being what i thought it would be. Six weeks no contact and now he's back again. I've no idea why he's back in touch again now though or how long he will be! You can't ever know whats going to happen thats my takings anyways...

@Naimee87

That's a good point - if someone's communication is leaving you on edge - whether it's too much, or too little, or too intense, or too relaxed, it probably isn't going to work long term.

Some people are glued to their phones others prefer a few days/weeks gap but if its at the "worrying/anxiety" stage it's not going to work.

I generally don't need or want daily messaging BUT I absolutely lose the plot if I'm trying to plan something and get flakiness/"let's see what happens" back.

I know some people can send flirty messages and be spontaneous, I have to have a plan and stick to it. So someone who is more "spontaneous" is a no for me.