Dating thread 213 - falling into Autumn leaves

[BelladiMamma]

New thread 🧵 with the rules as a screenshot 🍂

@user1471553350

Sorry you’re going through this - sadly this “future faking” the guys do for an ego boost is fairly common...they like “knowing they could have commitment if they wanted”

I’d just accept this is through, maybe cry it out, let yourself be unhappy as it’s really shitty unpleasant manipulative behaviour

and practice self-care/getting on with your life/work out when you are ready to get back online dating?

Also be prepared for the “ghost reappearance” after a month or so - hopefully you’ll have emotionally moved on by then.

Met up with MrIRL today to do our hobby/sport thing. My DS and DDog came too! He was lovely with my DS, let him borrow his more professional gear and bought us drinks and snacks. I defo don't fancy him though. I've another (different) hobby/sport thing to do tomorrow night. Am slowly losing my no smoking weight gain. Feeling good. I think, for me, my previous failed relationships knocked my confidence on many levels, not just dating. Concentrating on me and finding new interests is sadly so new to me but I'm finding it liberating.

@user1471553350 - maybe he's bogged down with work and new house and doesn't feel he can offer much atm/cold feet?
@Misty9 - how did it go with MrRunner today?
@MayEye - lovely update!
@Slothmomma - did you swap numbers?
@Earlgrey19 - don't turn him into 'the one that got away' - although I'm sure you won't. It's sad though, for you and him as you obviously have a great connection.
Sorry for everyone else dealing with flakes and other bastardly behaviour.

Anyone got any thoughts/tips for my night of speed dating? (conveyor belt of potatoes )

I'm genuinely enjoying preparing for it/thinking about it.

If I get a PCR test, is it a good idea to hug my dates? BRING IT IN LADS . It's a nice thing to do, but not sure if that's too "creepy" or if they won't want to due to the Rona.

Not sure about "set questions"? Would prefer to just enjoy the chat (or not!).

I've looked for online tips and they say to be wary of "one jerk" in the lot. Oh dear. I just hope I'm not the female jerk!

For safety as I'm new girl in the city I'm thinking of "slightly fudging" about where I live/work and giving nickname just to stop anyone tracking me down.

I don't mean like saying anything weird or like saying I'm a doctor when I'm a tech but just being vague. Burner phone number ready!

Weirdly enough, I live within walking distance of the bar, so I REALLY don't want anyone knowing this?

Won't be being teetotal but really will watch the alcohol intake.

Also - policy for break time?

What if there's more than one guy I like, I don't want to focus on one and let them buy me a drink? I went speed dating YEARS ago when I was a young twat and had three guys clustered around me which was a bit weird.

Shall I just step out for a bit, smile mysteriously, play with my phone and make contact via the ticks?

(feel deliciously Jane Austen -eque!)

SpringlikeBunk
Your best underwear
Your best hair
A big smile
And zero expectations , go with a ‘this is an experience mindset’ and practice flirting

Have fun !

I don’t suppose i have too much advice as i’ve never speed dated before but definitely be ‘cagey’ about where you live/work. I imagine the same sort of ‘social media’ check may happen afterwards too. The ‘burner phone’ is definitely a good idea as well. How’s it work, do you select the ones you’d like to see again and the men do to and if its a match you’re both notified? Either way its got to better than swiping!

user1471553350L

I’ve also been ghosted this week, and I spent most of yesterday reading up on this joyful issue

Main take away ? It’s usually far more about them than it is about you
And them being weak , but mainly them being very shit communicators

Delete the chat , delete the contact , delete any photos and chalk down to painful experience

@Earlgrey19 I need to work on why I don’t give up on ambivalent men sooner!

It sounds like you're emotionally unavailable (and so is he) so it would be yhis that pulls you to him and won't let him go.

Have a read of Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl and also consider counselling.

Best of luck with the speed dating @SpringlikeBunk! I'm very tempted to try this too although I think it's a lot harder to get for my age range. I think your tactics sound good... the last time I went speed dating was at least 25 years ago and it was all a good laugh - I don't think it amounted to much but I do think you are likely to find more 'normal' characters in general, as people are actually prepared to meet face to face!

@user1471553350 - so many of us have been there. It really is ALL about him, and not about you - make sure you don't fall into that way of thinking that if only you hadn't said X, or done Y, that this might not have happened... or that he isn't the kind of person who'll go on to do this to the next person - because people who are cowardly like this, as @Thisisworsethananticpated said - they are poor communicators, they are conflict avoidant, and they are frightened of what will happen if they face up to the reality which is that he has changed his mind.

We are all allowed to change our minds, and what has happened here in that changing his mind, he has revealed a part of his character (weak, cowardly) that you do not want in your life regardless. I'm speaking to myself as much as you here, as I have effectively been ghosted since having my date cancelled with half an hour's notice on Thursday.

I think people like this are like those people who come round to view your house, and stay for ages, and make all the right noises about where they'd put their sofa, and how much they love it, and isn't it just the most charming place ever... and then you never hear from them again. People-pleasers... they say precisely what you want to hear because they want approval in the moment, they want validation from you. What they are not thinking is 'perhaps I shouldn't lead them on, it wouldn't be fair...'.

I am getting better at handling these things when they happen although I'm feeling like staying on the bench for a while - I just can't be doing with all the time-wastage of it. My advice would be to delete all record of conversations with him, the chats, the call history, his number... and move on. I had one do this to me last summer and it ruined my life for weeks - he said he was having a life crisis and could I give him a bit of time to sort himself out (a week he said). Never heard from him again. This was someone I'd been seeing for a couple of months and had slept with.

Make some space for me on that bench !!!! 😀

Morning everyone. I had the best weekend in a long time, the weather was perfect (shame I only packed one pair of shorts), we pitched our tents next to people just like us (we really couldn't have picked a better spot), Tom Jones, Snow Patrol, David Guetta and All Saints were brilliant. I've now got the festival bug and would go to The Isle of Wight festival again, because there are children there it's such a calm chilled atmosphere. But it was so nice to sleep in my own bed last night. I cracked my phone screen on Friday (I dropped something on it 🤦‍♀️) and I have blisters on top of blisters but so what ☺.

I was messaging Mr Cricket on Friday and someine pointed out that apparently every time he sent me a message I started smiling. Mr Cricket is on holiday this week (he is going to send me photo's) then he is working then we can sort out dinner.

I hope everyone has a good week.

Glad you had such a good time @Isitreallyme177 it sounds like a perfect weekend! Haven't been to a festival for years but it sounds like my cup of tea. Maybe when DC are older I'll find a family friendly one!
I do so hope that this is a slow burn thing with Mr Cricket..
Also had a fantastic weekend, I'm really falling for Mr D. He's seen me pretty much at my worst and handled it perfectly, is so easy to be around and we're very.. compatible kind of wondering what the catch is.
Haven't mentioned Mr O for a while but he still plays on my mind more often than I'd like. I hate the lack of closure. I messaged as I'd found some of his belongings and wondered if he wanted them posting back..read and ignored. Wish I hadn't bothered.

@Earlgrey19 I need to work on why I don’t give up on ambivalent men sooner!

This is a really important sentence and I am definitely guilty of this! I think it's because i feel i can change their ambivalence somehow. It's like a challenge for me to make them come to the realisation that they do have 'the same' feelings for me as i do for them but this just isn't the case. I hope you can move on and not let him take up too much head-space. I think a lot of the frustration and disappointment comes from what we think 'could happen' or 'should happen' but again it's like trying to live in a future that hasn't happened/creating a fantasy future. It's so much better to go day to day and allow those feelings to consume you for a while as they won't forever, just feels that way for a while.

@Isitreallyme177 soooo good to get away and do something like that. Just being with friends and enjoying stuff together is a great way to shake off the OLD blues!

@Earlgrey19 meh on your behalf about that interaction with your friend. I'd not be so keen on maintaining the friendship.

@Naimee87 so pleased for you that MrE has backed off. These guys need to remember that they're not the only priority.

Feeling very underwhelmed / low energy with this current crop of dates.

Also observing what friends of both genders are doing in their dating lives and finding it quite underwhelming too. A variety of FWB's, on/off relationships, unhappy marriages ... I do have friends in strong relationships but I don't tend to swap war stories with them so maybe my viewpoint is skewed 🤷🏻‍♀️

MrTattoo - have told him the ball is in his court and up to him to organise / suggest next time we get together. Haven't heard much from him over the weekend.

MrGig - going to the gig but meeting him just beforehand so no chance to really get to know him.

MrItaly - has just popped up because he's on his wfh week and is home alone with his son. Haven't heard from him for a week otherwise. Really not bothered with this one atm.

MrAccountant - date zero this weekend.

MrHostel - I've had to postpone because of horse vetting.

MrBuilder, MrProperty still sending those really annoying 'we must get together' messages followed up by ... zilch, nada

I think I'm benching myself as really not feeling it at all. I'm back to not messaging or chasing comms and seeing who comes through with any concrete suggestions / plans.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

Best of luck with the speed dating *@SpringlikeBunk*! I'm very tempted to try this too although I think it's a lot harder to get for my age range. I think your tactics sound good... the last time I went speed dating was at least 25 years ago and it was all a good laugh - I don't think it amounted to much but I do think you are likely to find more 'normal' characters in general, as people are actually prepared to meet face to face!

@user1471553350 - so many of us have been there. It really is ALL about him, and not about you - make sure you don't fall into that way of thinking that if only you hadn't said X, or done Y, that this might not have happened... or that he isn't the kind of person who'll go on to do this to the next person - because people who are cowardly like this, as @Thisisworsethananticpated said - they are poor communicators, they are conflict avoidant, and they are frightened of what will happen if they face up to the reality which is that he has changed his mind.

We are all allowed to change our minds, and what has happened here in that changing his mind, he has revealed a part of his character (weak, cowardly) that you do not want in your life regardless. I'm speaking to myself as much as you here, as I have effectively been ghosted since having my date cancelled with half an hour's notice on Thursday.

I think people like this are like those people who come round to view your house, and stay for ages, and make all the right noises about where they'd put their sofa, and how much they love it, and isn't it just the most charming place ever... and then you never hear from them again. People-pleasers... they say precisely what you want to hear because they want approval in the moment, they want validation from you. What they are not thinking is 'perhaps I shouldn't lead them on, it wouldn't be fair...'.

I am getting better at handling these things when they happen although I'm feeling like staying on the bench for a while - I just can't be doing with all the time-wastage of it. My advice would be to delete all record of conversations with him, the chats, the call history, his number... and move on. I had one do this to me last summer and it ruined my life for weeks - he said he was having a life crisis and could I give him a bit of time to sort himself out (a week he said). Never heard from him again. This was someone I'd been seeing for a couple of months and had slept with.

Love the house buyer analogy!

So true! Like OLD is basically having a house open day / viewing all the time 😂

@Heartbeats0708 there were babies there, so I'm sure you're kids would love it. There is even a family campsite. I did Reading back in the 90s and this was so much calmer because there were children there. I was by the main stage on Friday afternoon when this guy walked past with his son. I said to a friend the kid is cute but the Dad is cute too 😂.

@BelladiMamma it was so nice to get away from everything for a few days. I spent part of Saturday night flirting with a 24 year it, it was fun and he is cute but I'm old enough to be his mother so it would be a no anyway.

I was also stood behind these two guys in the queue for the co-op (there was one on site) and I'm like I know them from somewhere but didn't have the guts to go and ask them where from. I never forget a good looking face and it bugged me all weekend. I thought maybe it was Tinder or the gym but they are the type I would go for.

[quote Isitreallyme177]@Heartbeats0708 there were babies there, so I'm sure you're kids would love it. There is even a family campsite. I did Reading back in the 90s and this was so much calmer because there were children there. I was by the main stage on Friday afternoon when this guy walked past with his son. I said to a friend the kid is cute but the Dad is cute too 😂.

@BelladiMamma it was so nice to get away from everything for a few days. I spent part of Saturday night flirting with a 24 year it, it was fun and he is cute but I'm old enough to be his mother so it would be a no anyway.

I was also stood behind these two guys in the queue for the co-op (there was one on site) and I'm like I know them from somewhere but didn't have the guts to go and ask them where from. I never forget a good looking face and it bugged me all weekend. I thought maybe it was Tinder or the gym but they are the type I would go for.[/quote]
Those guys you recognised are probably in a band 😂

@ibelieveinmirrorballs
You are so right. This is exactly what my friend said. I know I have to toughen up. OLD is probably not for me, but really feels the only option. And at 52 I am just less resilient to rejection. I appreciate everyone's input SO much xx

@BelladiMamma definitely not in a band😅. I think they were on a stag do. There were about 10 of them. I recognised at least 4 of them. So it obviously isn't Tinder(I was never that prolific on there), I have a feeling they are local to me. One had a very distinctive tattoo on his leg which I'm sure I've seen before.

@Isitreallyme177 😂 the whole festival vibe made me think about how, in the past, F2F / IRL interaction would allow you to have a flirt and maybe a kiss and a snog and you'd carry on your merry way and not necessarily give those guys another thought ... unless you ran into them again. With the whole OLD / WhatsApp / constant comms cycle that we are in it's so easy to over invest or get sucked into being a pen pal or ghosted etc. Maybe when I'm at the gig with MrGig I'll keep my eyes peeled for someone to flirt with 😂

@user1471553350 I am so sorry you've had to go through this. The challenge is hitting the right balance between being yourself and also not taking crap interactions to heart.

I haven't seen MrMud for a week, due to illnesses and having to isolate with my daughter (She's fine thankfully!), which is the longest we've ever gone without seeing each other. I'm really missing his company, but we are planning a 3 day weekend together this weekend to make up for it .

The thing is, he is coming to mine overnight and spending some time in my village, which means there is a good chance we will bump into someone I know. Ex's parents live very close to me (almost neighbours!) so I'll have to tell them as they will see the car, thankfully we are on really good terms and they know I have been OLD.
My worry is that I might need to tell my daughter, she's a mature 12, but not sure how she will react. I don't feel ready to tell her yet, but if we see her friends in the village, they might text her and tell her and I don't want her to find out like that.

@Dirtyduck

I haven't seen MrMud for a week, due to illnesses and having to isolate with my daughter (She's fine thankfully!), which is the longest we've ever gone without seeing each other. I'm really missing his company, but we are planning a 3 day weekend together this weekend to make up for it .

The thing is, he is coming to mine overnight and spending some time in my village, which means there is a good chance we will bump into someone I know. Ex's parents live very close to me (almost neighbours!) so I'll have to tell them as they will see the car, thankfully we are on really good terms and they know I have been OLD.
My worry is that I might need to tell my daughter, she's a mature 12, but not sure how she will react. I don't feel ready to tell her yet, but if we see her friends in the village, they might text her and tell her and I don't want her to find out like that.

Oooh tricky. Very similar situation here minus the in laws ...

Does she know that you've been OLD? You could make it very low key and say 'friend from OLD is popping in when you're with Dad'? Emphasis on 'friend' and 'dropping in' rather than anything more 'your new stepfather and I are making our wedding plans' 😁

@BelladiMamma I have to say it was actually really nice to have a little flirt with someone, we were never going to do anything but it was nice to go back to face to face flirting and know I can still do it. Apps are great for meeting people but nothing beats face to face. He was part of the group we got to know and he came up to me on Saturday and said I don't think we've been introduced properly, I'm x, that was it it was me and him most of the evening.

Covid hasn't helped that type of interaction either and this was the first time I've been out properly since before covid. I'm so looking forward to going out again now.

I downloaded tinder yesterday. Swiped right through within a 20 mile radius.. only swiped right maybe 5 times. One match who didn't speak so I deleted it again. It’s such a horrendous catalogue of freaks.
Off out with my pal on Friday night on the long awaited pub crawl manhunt in Brighton.. gonna get dressed up for the first time in soooo long and get my flirt on 💗
I’m on a train now and there is the sexiest bloody man in the carriage. I want to pounce on him !! 😍😍 it’s all about the men IRL! 😈

@Shayelle2009

I downloaded tinder yesterday. Swiped right through within a 20 mile radius.. only swiped right maybe 5 times. One match who didn't speak so I deleted it again. It’s such a horrendous catalogue of freaks. Off out with my pal on Friday night on the long awaited pub crawl manhunt in Brighton.. gonna get dressed up for the first time in soooo long and get my flirt on 💗 I’m on a train now and there is the sexiest bloody man in the carriage. I want to pounce on him !! 😍😍 it’s all about the men IRL! 😈

Ugh 🤦🏻‍♀️ I think I'll leave tinder be ...

Can I ask did you have POf as a Mobile app and if so how did you delete your profile? I've got it hidden but it seems like I need to delete the profile via the laptop