Dating thread 213 - falling into Autumn leaves

[BelladiMamma]

New thread 🧵 with the rules as a screenshot 🍂

Hi all. The highs and lows of dating continue I see! I'm off to see Mr runner today... Not sure what's happening but I intend to enjoy myself at least. Also supposed to have a date this week but that was when it looked like things were off with Mr runner, whereas now it's a bit up in the air. So not quite sure what to do there.

I'm trying to focus on my house and other areas of my life, and put my phone down. It's definitely better for my wellbeing!

@Earlgrey19

Glad you had a good night though agree the closing sounds a bit ungracious and

though I expect as you’re long term friends maybe it’s ok if you know he’s a decent guy?

Maybe it’s me being quite sensitive or where I am in life but too many of those little “ouch, that’s a bit rude” moments from the apps have stopped me engaging

@Thisisworsethananticpated

I’m so sorry that you ex is doing this to you fireandbrimstone That sucks , total understatement How soon will the divorce be ?

And yes exercise helps , it’s a shame it’s raining but I think I need a swim and sauna

I feel fucking stupid
Trying to hold onto a Man by sending him porn which he then IGNORES
Jesus it’s like I’m making all the shit mistakes I made in my 20s again
Except I’m 48 and should know better

Hugs for you @Thisisworsethananticpated. You are not alone! I’m also 48 and I’m now single for the first time since I was 18! I’m now making allllll the shitty mistakes and fuck ups with men I didnt make back then and trying to just view them as part of the process of navigating my new life. Can’t deny they aren’t cringy at the time though! 😬😬

I am 52. Decided to try online dating after breakup of 4 year relationship.
Met a man, in June , he's 58, all seemed great , got on well, sex, confided vulnerabilities (2 way thing)
He messaged me a lot ,a lot , always good morning, started seeing each other every other weekend, during the week, I helped him move to a new property (he specifically wanted me too)
Then suddenly a week ago he felt evasive, which has turned into full on ghosting, but has not blocked me and is reading my messages. He has been horribly stressed by work (teacher) and the move which was nightmarish up til completion. It's just a total sudden change . With no rhyme or reason. Any thoughts please?

@Thisisworsethananticpated we are all learning as we go along - I'm 51 and honestly feel like I'm learning things now I wish I'd known 30 years ago. I think as long as we're learning from our mistakes we have to focus on that because it's progress.

I was meant to have a first date with my iron on Thursday - he cancelled with half an hour's notice saying he had a migraine (what is he, 12? ) and I have not heard from him since. At the time I felt sort of relief because in all honesty I should not have planned to see him when I did, as it fell in between two massive work days and travelling between two places and at the tail end of a week I'd had almost no sleep so was exhausted. Despite getting what I thought was lots of things right this time (no over-investing, TICK!... arranging to meet fairly soon, TICK!... etc) I still managed to engage with someone who clearly is an absolute tool.

The sheer disappointment of yet again realising that navigating dating is like herding kittens. That even someone whose opening gambit more or less was to share stories of the awful times he'd been stood up and saying what terrible behaviour it was... left me feeling quite low yesterday. (It did not help reading the 'invisible middle aged women' thread either...)

I've had a busy weekend and thankfully am getting better at realising this isn't about me, but about him and his inability to have even vaguely challenging conversations - and therefore preferring to behave like this than be able to say 'hey, I've changed my mind'. I think it may well have been because I was staying over in a hotel but had hinted that this might not be the shoe-in he imagined as I had a very early start and train to catch the next day.

@FireandBrimstone... just wanted to say I feel your pain. Am also contemplating how else to fill my life with real life brilliance rather than lacklustre and disappointing men. I have quite excitingly booked to go clubbing in London on Friday so that's something to look forward to as an ex-raver. This time will be vastly different to last time I did something like this however, will be sober for one thing... and will be squeezing in a Nanna Nap before we get up and head to the club in Shoreditch

Sunday update from me- just back from the most amazing weekend with Mr L. He is just a lovely lovely person who does everything to make me happy in every way but not in a love-bombing way, in a genuine, open he is just into me kind of way. Not a bit phased by the fact we might not get a weekend together again for a while (as ex is being a knob again!) instead he is trying to get up near my place next week or week after so we can meet for dinner and spend an evening together.
Definitely cautiously smitten!

Sounds great @MayEye

I just had a great phone call with Mr Outdoors, he sounds really interesting

Just caught up with thread - some lovely updates and some usual flakiness I see 🤦‍♀️

Nothing happening on apps for me. Went out last night to a club and met someone in real life - had a dance, some kissing and flirting - was nice 😊

@MayEye

Sounds great - and hope the dinner is fantastic too!

(such a good reminder to me of how it shouldn’t be “hard work” dating someone - it should be “I like you, let’s work out how to schedule enjoyable time together doing interesting things”)

It is so easy being with him - not hard work at all! I’ve just realised that spring

user1471553350

Well , I have had someone ‘be NOT that into me’ after being very - into me
In my experience it tends to stay in that trajectory
But , I’m bitter and biased 😁 today

ibelieveinmirrorballs
Thanks and sorry about migraine twat
I hope you can forget about him fast

NewJoolz 😘

Thanks everyone for being so kind

And happy for mayeye
People can find their match ❤️
Slothmomma 👍

@Misty9 good to hear an update from you and seems things are still ‘on’ with MrRunner! Crossing my fingers things pan out the way you want them to.
@MayEye sounds like a really nice weekend and gives us hope there are some decent blokes out there. I was definitely never relaxed around MrE even if i thought i was. I’m so much calmer now so i’ve 100% made the right decision!

No calls/txts or emails from MrE today! Calm before the storm or no news is good news?. DS has been really lovely tonight we cooked and he’s asked to watch a film. Definitely need some quality time together! And later i’ll be glued to the Circle and getting an early night.

@user1471553350 I have had similar experience last week for which I got advised by the wise people on this thread. The advise was that life happens, he might have been genuinely overwhelmed by it all and to chalk it up and see how it goes. Since then, MrYellow hasn't got in touch on Friday like he said he would to arrange a date so I am taking a step back. Whatever is going on, I am not going to give it too much headspace. I have a date zero planned for next weekend with a new iron, naming him MrTropical.

@user1471553350, what kind of messages have you sent so far that he has read but not responded to? It’s really unsettling and unnecessary for someone that you thought you were doing well with to suddenly change how they are with you. Have you tried to call and he hasn’t answered? I would send a message that you are feeling rather confused by his lack of contact, check that he’s okay, ask if he’s dealing with something that means he needs a bit of space but also make it clear that his step back has left you feeling rather confused and that you would appreciate a response so that you know what is happening. If he is genuinely struggling but a decent guy then he will take the time to tell you something about what is happening. If he remains distant then I think you have your answer and he’s not someone to spend more time dwelling on what might have been.

not someone for you* to spend time dwelling on what might have been.

@MayEye, lovely update. So refreshing when you meet someone who does all the right things and doesn’t give you any reason to feel anxious or question what is happening with him.

I forgot to say that Mr Yellow and I had a conversationon Tuesday, we talked about his change of contact and we both wanted to move forward. He said that he wants to continue seeing me and that he will be in touch on Friday. Heard nothing..

@SpringlikeBunk yes — it was a bit “ouch”. There was an awkwardness about him only having one bedroom/bed. He referenced that earlier in the evening. So maybe really it’s about do we keep it to “friends” or “what happens if we sleep together”, and possible anxiety about that. He flirts with me, tells me I’m beautiful, was organising lovely things for us to do together earlier in the summer, concerts, picnics etc. We got a lot closer, no kissing or sex though, but then suddenly he went to Europe travelling around for 6 weeks, staying with lots of different friends, and didn’t contact me, then has come back & announced he thinks he’s going to try to move to NYC in Jan (he’s wondered before if he wanted to pursue this dream). So, in other words he’s kind of on the run, just as I thought it might be going somewhere. It’s a pattern he’s repeated with women many times over. He’s supposed to be coming to me (we live in different cities) for river swimming one weekend soon, but I might cancel as I’m afraid I’m going to get sadder at him going to NYC the more we hang out like this. I’m tempted to try to have an open conversation with him about how we both feel, but I kind of wonder if it’s worth it, or better just to withdraw a bit and keep it as just friends. He’s a decent friend (usually). Possibly an emotional nightmare with partners due to longstanding commitment issues. I thought maybe it was changing as he’s aware if his problem, says he so much wants to settle down into long term relationship (though he hasn’t said with me), and is depressed at never having managed it, and is having therapy etc. But looks to me like same ol’ problem. Sorry for essay! I’ve felt super sad about it today, but gotta let it go, maybe…

Earlgrey19
May I ask does he ever get physical with women?

I hope you don’t mind me asking I’m just curious
It’s a strange one for sure

No calls/txts or emails from MrE today!

Good
Long may it last x

On ghosting
www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a19902693/why-men-ghost/

For us sad Sunday ghostees (is that a word?)

@ Thisisworsethananticpated yes he does have sex with women, a fair bit, and has been on Feeld (I think had threesomes). Some people do wonder if he’s gay, but I don’t think that’s it. He tends to find fault easily with the women he’s with, it’s always just not quite right and then he leaves. Like a million times over and he’s never lived with anyone (is in his 40s) or had a relationship longer than about 18 months…

Lord he sounds tricky !
And , the heart wants what the heart wants

Yes, agreed. Time for me to walk away from hoping for more. I need to work on why I don’t give up on ambivalent men sooner!

Thank you all. I know you are right. Just SO confusing. He was the one who said What do you reckon, shall we give a real relationship a go ..Who missed me when we didn't see each other. He hasn't answered any of my calls. I have been understanding of his stress, said he can just tell me if he wants to cool it down, have more space ( even tho he was always the one saying Wish you were here) later I sent one saying how confused and upset I was...nothing. I'm naive , i just didn't expect this from a man who is almost 60....