Dating thread 213 - falling into Autumn leaves

[BelladiMamma]

New thread 🧵 with the rules as a screenshot 🍂

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Isitreallyme177

I feel like your ex jinxed this date anyway , onwards !

@Thisisworsethananticpated I think he did too, he knew damn well I would postpone Mr Cricket after his hissy fit.

@Isitreallyme177 ah, the joy of ex

Hope it's ok for me to join in. Just started OLD.
Tried Tinder, seem to have completed it no meaningful conversations really.

Took the plunge and tried FB dating, 'liked' someone with mutual friends thinking it was like tinder and then realised it's not and it tells you who has liked you still, a few conversations going but nothing jumping out.

Can anyone recommend anywhere else? I did try bumble but wasn't keen.

Welcome @anniewilkes21. Tinder send to be a popular choice... but not necessarily great outcomes. I know a few people on here have tried bumble too .. what didnt you like about it??

@Dropdeadfred2

Welcome *@anniewilkes21*. Tinder send to be a popular choice... but not necessarily great outcomes. I know a few people on here have tried bumble too .. what didnt you like about it??

It didn't allow me to filter much without paying, and most of the people seemed to be on tinder too anyway. Oh and not many seemed to talk either.

Hello would love to join you all :) had a tinder date last night which went pretty well! We ate, drank, had a long walk and several kisses. He was complimentary and tactile, seemed interesting and we had fun. Probably going to see him again next week. When I asked him via message before meeting what he was looking for he said a connection with someone. Which really could mean anything. I'm only looking for a relationship (and I'm determined to be extremely picky this time!) So keeping open minded as to what he could mean by this..

It's so nice to read of everyone's experiences

Welcome @HuckleberryFields... that sounds like a really great first date!! Did you message after??

@HuckleberryFields

Sounds a great first date - agree I’d be initially cautious about the phrase “connection” - tactile is nice but maybe hold back on intimacy a bit for future meets if you’re wanting to get to know him a bit more

Welcome @anniewilkes21

Yes it’s only a small percentage of matches who actually chat and get to a first meet - I’m off the apps as I just find they’re too much work for very little reward on balance!

Welcome @anniewilkes21 and @HuckleberryFields.

@Huck - your Tinder date sounds lovely. I think what you're both looking for doesn't sound poles apart, and you've got it off to a good start. Look forward to hearing how things progress.

@annie personally I have landed on Tinder as a favourite for a number of reasons, but yes, depending on where you live (how densely populated) and your age/filter requirements you may 'complete' it sooner or later. I do fnd if I hide my profile for a few days and come back, then things pep up again.

Another app that a few people have a bit of love for on here is Hinge - it's a bit more quirky and sets up 'hooks' for you to pick up on and start a conversation. And yes, Bumble has lots of fans on here too. Neither has been brilliant for me but my theory is that as I'm older and in a less densely populated area, the pickings are slimmer anyway.

Welcome @HuckleberryFields - great first date!

I did not have mine last night - after being texted with 30 mins notice to say he had a migraine … I managed a restrained response and left it at that. I’m staying over in London and heading up north for a work event this morning so in many ways an early night was the best option (and i was asleep by 9.30 feeling grateful for that after a week of crap sleep) - but still had an hour of “ffs, what’s the point?” grumbling to myself. We’ll see if a proper explanation/apology/suggestion to rearrange is forthcoming today - but I won’t be contacting him.

@BelladiMamma well the final straw which i know should have been ‘the weekend’ incident was the fact he said this to me and it wasn’t the first time either ‘‘i don’t think you have ever been in a proper relationship before i think all the other men only used you - but i am different’’ what do you make of that? For me i found it so insulting! Admittedly i haven’t picked the right men but not all of them ended things with me i too had to end some of the relationships and some ended as a joint decision. What he said made me really angry and he is no longer attractive at all to me. But do you interpret it like that?
@Isitreallyme177 how you feeling, hope you caught up on some sleep!

@Naimee87 that’s so manipulative. I think that’s why other wiser posters say not to over share with irons at the beginning, they could use that information to manipulate you.
It’s really good that your eyes are open to it though and you can see a statement like that for the red flag that it is.
Have you ended things with him or just keeping distance at the moment?

@Naimee87 I've read a few times here to be wary when someone emphasises how different they are. I possibly overshare at times too but this would annoy me

@MayEye @Eesha thanks! Lovely to hear from you both. I let it slide the first time, second time i thought ‘this doesn’t sit right’ with me, then tuesday it got me very angry. I felt like saying ‘so single and jobless at 41 makes you a relationship expert does it?’ I haven’t seen him since then. Said i want time/space but its to get the strength to end things with him. I would never say anything like that to anyone. We are so far from compatible and to quote mafsuk ‘ he bring brings out the worst in me ‘ @MayEye did you swerve your magnet-man or was it not you? sorry if i muddled!

Thank you all 😊 @Dropdeadfred2 - yes he messaged after and we said we'd had a nice time then he messaged in the afternoon the next day to ask how my day was going.
@SpringlikeBunk yeah I think this is a good tip, we'll stay at kissing for now!
@anniewilkes21 I've found tinder and bumble to be reasonable and I've just kept at messaging one guy at a time as I'm not in a rush and don't want it to take up too much of my thoughts or time which so far has been working well and I've had dates each week for a few weeks. Just trying to stay quite detached.
After my last relationship I have become very wary and guarded but this is good because I was overly optimistic before!
@ibelieveinmirrorballs sorry to hear that happened, sounds very frustrating but sounds like a good plan to only wait to hear from him.

Lovely to hear of some successful dates.

I actually paid for the very first time a subscription to a dating site.Muddy matches! I feel a bit fake as I'm only 30 muddy to 70 towny but did have a small holding as a kid with horse,sheep and hens so muddy in that sense.
Got two messages and replied to one saying thanks but I can't see a match and now he is sending me long essay types. I havent replied and feel he is a bit delicate and vulnerable to block. Says he hasn't ever met anyone in the two years from old. I wish I never had answered his message.
The other one is very much my type so let's hope he asks for a coffee soon!

@Naimee87 I agree with the others. He sounds manipulative and be prepared for him to try and talk u around when u are ending things

@Naimee87

I hate that kind of "insight" from someone who has known you five minutes. It's fake and also self-aggrandizing.

It shows a peek of narcissism in my view.

I find some people seem to have a weird need to psychoanalyse where it is neither wanted nor appropriate (and obviously it is never the latter, rarely the former!) and this is behaviour that really turns me off. It is designed to destabilise you. I'm glad you have seen through it and not allowed it to work on you.

@Naimee87 I agree with the others.

It's so useful to read this advice as in my younger days I may have thought he was being 'sweet' saying that but everyone is right - it's manipulative. Have you binned him completely now?

Yes that’s my plan. I got so angry when he said that and just told him to leave. He clearly wants someone who will rely on him for everything. I did feel this early on and should have seen it for the humongous red-flag it clearly was. But now even thinking about him i get the ‘ick’ !! Definitely binning him. But it’s fair to do it in person right? over the phone isn’t fair or what do you reckon?

I think over the phone is fine in this scenario....

I’d text actually ! Why is phone better
Text , done ✔️

Slightly off the topic but I was wondering how people manage the never ending 'cycling' of rinse and repeat of dating: the whole process: the swiping, matching, chatting, meeting up etc and then in between the ghosting/stalling/blocking, the rudeness, disappointments (I'm obviously focusing on the negatives which I've experienced in the past).

I'm currently off the apps, but did use them about 2 years ago. I'm late 30s and am in two minds whether to engage with them again. On the one hand I'm so tired of the process, I've done a lot of casual sex in the past too and I got saturated/bored with it as well. It just feels like so much work to find 'meaning' 'meaningful connection' amongst a sea of pointless encounters whichever the app, and most men in my experience aren't actually interested in a meaningful relationship, just something casual (a notch up on hook ups).

I'm in a particularly bad mood so apologies for being on a downer this morning!

@zonky I would say it does get disheartening but I try and avoid swiping unless I'm really enthused about it all. Life is busy anyway without having OLD draining you. I agree though, so many men wanting casual, it's funny!

@Naimee87

Agree he sounds manipulative and jealous of your confidence and successful life - I’d just send a message tbh as I’d be worried he’d try to cause more emotional mayhem/undermine my self-esteem in a conversation?

Also keep it very grey rock and don’t discuss or leave the door open for negotiation.

You’ve clearly been very decent and considerate and given him more than enough “second chances”. It seems like he’s trying to punish you/wear you down for not doing what he says.

@zonky

Similar position here - have had some good app moments and connections but fed up now tbh.

Find guys who are “ok” are just getting increasingly entitled and flaky and sex obsessed.

Am moving to speed dating, if I ever get back on the apps may use something similar to huckleberrys strategy and really pace myself.