Dating thread 213 - falling into Autumn leaves

[BelladiMamma]

New thread 🧵 with the rules as a screenshot 🍂

@Dropdeadfred2

You are brave!!! ( and maybe a bit crazy ) i hope he replies soon

@Dropdeadfred2 Me? Nothing like a bit of spontaneity just hope he feels the same.😂 sometimes you have to throw caution to the wind, the worst he can say is he is now busy.

@Isitreallyme177 that's very true!!

Well he's not read it or been on line (so must be at his appointment) so I'm now watching home and away and painting my nails.

@NewJoolz talking about spending the weekend rather than a few hours when you do meet, indicates to me that he wants a hook up if you do meet - which is fine if that’s what you want for a first meet but not on otherwise. Also you will get further and further invested with this person or the persona they present, even turning down other chances with others, but the reality can be very different. I speak from experience here! The first iron I spoke to was not what I expected at all in person and I couldn’t fancy them ever, even though over phone calls and messages I did and got a total fantasy situation going in my head.

Tread carefully is my advice

I have joined and failed to participate multiple times, under multiple usernames. Maybe this will be the time it sticks!

@TwatInTinFoil

Yep - I did the same, felt like I was 'seeing him so never bothered with other chats much.

Of course when it turns out they are actually meeting others they will just say " well we weren't together " blah blah

It sucks being in reserve, I won't do that again.

@Bangheadhere40. Im guessing that’s part of the weird turn on for them, chat and message loads to make you think it’s serious, you’re the only one for them etc, so you stop chatting with others and just focus on them, just for the massive ego boost 🙄🙄. Bloody wankspangles 🤬

I feel shit for it, but I’m sat here this afternoon trying to think of ways to catch him out……then wondering why I’m bothering, then feeling guilty about tricking him because I’m lonely and don’t want to stop chatting. 😩. Oh, the joys of dating!!! Not!!!
He just sent me a lovely text and then a voice note which buoyed me right up, saying he’s been for a haircut in his lunch hour and would send me a selfie tonight, I said just snap one now, and he made an excuse not to (which felt like a lie) and now I’m feeling shit again 😡

Wondering if I’m not actually ready for all this anyway!

@Isitreallyme177 you are so cute! It must be difficult to be/stay calm. Especially when you know you’ll enjoy the evening! Fingers Crossed!

I’m definitely feeling a lot calmer now MrE isn’t around. I don’t know why i thought giving us another go was a good idea! I’ve said i need time/space and to focus on my DS and job-change. It’s meeting MrE that’s made me realise i don’t want serious right now. I like the idea of being free and single ( well as free/single as a single parent can be )
That being said i’m in touch with 🧲 man and quite enjoying the back and forth with him. New Truck photo’s are being sent 🤩 haha! I’m not hanging on though or waiting for replies like back in the day, but they do put a smile on my face!

[quote MayEye]@NewJoolz talking about spending the weekend rather than a few hours when you do meet, indicates to me that he wants a hook up if you do meet - which is fine if that’s what you want for a first meet but not on otherwise. Also you will get further and further invested with this person or the persona they present, even turning down other chances with others, but the reality can be very different. I speak from experience here! The first iron I spoke to was not what I expected at all in person and I couldn’t fancy them ever, even though over phone calls and messages I did and got a total fantasy situation going in my head.

Tread carefully is my advice [/quote]
@MayEye. Yes, it does sound hook-uppy, and to be totally honest with you, I am fine with that, as, at least to begin with, it’s an FWB/sleepover type arrangement I’m looking for. We’ve chatted about it and he says he wants that too, but is starting to sound more and more like he actually wants a relationship, although now I’m writing all this down, I am now wondering if it’s just love-bombing/ego boosting online chat he really wants!!
I’m becoming very aware that I’m getting sucked into this fantasy he’s creating about us being ‘really good FWB’s who do couple stuff when they meet for weekends together’ (which in reality won’t actually happen because he’ll never actually meet me)🙄🙄🙄

For all those struggling with pen pals, here are a few things I've been mulling about them:

1. There is usually something that they are prioritising over you. That could be addiction, another relationship or simply their own well-being eg they're not ready for the reality of a relationship. You'll likely never know.

1. Think about what this person would be like IRL. From love bomber extraordinaire to ignoring you, this is not a person you'd enjoy being with.

1. Give yourself a simple structure that you'd like to see happen. EG meet within 3 weeks of talking, follow up meet within another 2, some sort of irrefutable evidence that they're not married or cohabiting or in a LTR.

1. Read Natalie Lue and think about what she says about your role in it. And by the way, nothing wrong with being a Dream Girl with a real life boyfriend that gets the distinction between having romantic dreams and NOT EXPLOITING THEM. Because you can be sure as hell that the penpal has spotted your ability to get by just on crumbs.

1. Get out of the house as much as you can. Meet friends, talk to randoms on your dog walk, all the time noting what real life interactions are like. The serve and return of normal, respectful and warm communication.

1. No amount of you making yourself available to them is going to make them suddenly become available for you.

Here endeth the sermon, thank you for coming to my TED talk etc

Thank you @BelladiMamma. Very wise words there. Am going to order Natalie Lues book tonight I think. . I need a hefty dose of reality I think.

Good post Bella !

I also find that storing them in your phone as 'penpal' or 'breadcrumber' or anything else brings you down to earth a bit when messaging...

Or flake....just wants to chat etc.

Any name like that will suffice 🙂

@Naimee87 I've just kept myself busy all day. Don't think he's coming over tonight as I think I would've heard by now if he was. Oh well back to planning the future meal. It would have been a nice start to the weekend but obviously not meant to be this time.

Glad you're feeling calmer. It is a good feeling isn't it?

[quote Naimee87]@Isitreallyme177 you are so cute! It must be difficult to be/stay calm. Especially when you know you’ll enjoy the evening! Fingers Crossed!

I’m definitely feeling a lot calmer now MrE isn’t around. I don’t know why i thought giving us another go was a good idea! I’ve said i need time/space and to focus on my DS and job-change. It’s meeting MrE that’s made me realise i don’t want serious right now. I like the idea of being free and single ( well as free/single as a single parent can be )
That being said i’m in touch with 🧲 man and quite enjoying the back and forth with him. New Truck photo’s are being sent 🤩 haha! I’m not hanging on though or waiting for replies like back in the day, but they do put a smile on my face![/quote]
I don't know why but MrE reminded me so much of MrBear who was also a real drain on energy and just didn't get boundaries.

Oh well we love and live and learn

@TwatInTinFoil

Or flake....just wants to chat etc.

Any name like that will suffice 🙂

Yes! I do that too

I’d add to @BelladiMamma’s list something that works for me - don’t get into sexting if they won’t meet. I’m quite good at stretching the bounds of this, so I will talk ABOUT sex, preferences, history, fantasies etc - but I will not entertain mutual getting off on the phone or by text before meeting - it’s a hard limit.

Otherwise really, they’re getting free porn really, with absolutely no need to put any real effort in. I’m not going to be someone I’ve never met’s wank fodder.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

I’d add to *@BelladiMamma*’s list something that works for me - don’t get into sexting if they won’t meet. I’m quite good at stretching the bounds of this, so I will talk ABOUT sex, preferences, history, fantasies etc - but I will not entertain mutual getting off on the phone or by text before meeting - it’s a hard limit.

Otherwise really, they’re getting free porn really, with absolutely no need to put any real effort in. I’m not going to be someone I’ve never met’s wank fodder.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs. That’s a really good one, and something I have refrained from doing with this iron. We’ve chatted about preferences etc but he hasn’t asked for nudes or to sext either, which I thought was lovely, and has maybe made me more invested in him that I should be.

MI’m not going to be someone I’ve never met’s wank fodder

🙈 that’s what I did this week
Yay

he hasn’t asked for nudes or to sext either, which I thought was lovely

I think our bar on what is "lovely" may have dropped a little lower than it should have!

@VanGoghsDog

he hasn’t asked for nudes or to sext either, which I thought was lovely

I think our bar on what is "lovely" may have dropped a little lower than it should have!

@VanGoghsDog. Oh lol!! I did just mean the fact that he didn’t want nudes or to sext (when so many seem to expect it as the norm) was lovely!! Maybe I should have said “refreshing” or “a welcome change”

He replied, he's made other plans now, oh well cereal and Eastenders it is for me tonight. No hot, handsome pilot just Mr Potato head Phil Mitchell and a couple of soggy wetabix.

@BelladiMamma

For all those struggling with pen pals, here are a few things I've been mulling about them:

1. There is usually something that they are prioritising over you. That could be addiction, another relationship or simply their own well-being eg they're not ready for the reality of a relationship. You'll likely never know.

1. Think about what this person would be like IRL. From love bomber extraordinaire to ignoring you, this is not a person you'd enjoy being with.

1. Give yourself a simple structure that you'd like to see happen. EG meet within 3 weeks of talking, follow up meet within another 2, some sort of irrefutable evidence that they're not married or cohabiting or in a LTR.

1. Read Natalie Lue and think about what she says about your role in it. And by the way, nothing wrong with being a Dream Girl with a real life boyfriend that gets the distinction between having romantic dreams and NOT EXPLOITING THEM. Because you can be sure as hell that the penpal has spotted your ability to get by just on crumbs.

1. Get out of the house as much as you can. Meet friends, talk to randoms on your dog walk, all the time noting what real life interactions are like. The serve and return of normal, respectful and warm communication.

1. No amount of you making yourself available to them is going to make them suddenly become available for you.

Here endeth the sermon, thank you for coming to my TED talk etc

Great post @BelladiMamma hit the nail on the head for sure x

As for sexting as yet I have no thoughts really as I've initiated it each time. So it was something I wanted to do although it's possible it was also a bid for attention. Who knows, sometimes I'm just up for some sex and there's no one around ... 🤷🏻‍♀️

Isitreallyme177

I feel like your ex jinxed this date anyway , onwards !

think our bar on what is "lovely" may have dropped a little lower than it should have!

😂😂