Dating thread 213 - falling into Autumn leaves

[BelladiMamma]

New thread 🧵 with the rules as a screenshot 🍂

@VanGoghsDog we left our ferry tickets too late and will miss Duran Duran now as our ferry leaves 9pm Sunday but I'll be home by 11pm and in my bed by midnight. I can't complain as we were given the tickets for free. I'm not looking forward to camping though.

@NewJoolz it took me 5 months to meet mine, he kept making arrangements and cancelling. I go to his town quite a lot so a coffee wouldn't have been a problem for me. Turns out he hadn't told people he had moved out or split up.

Belladi
If you don’t text yours I won’t reply to mine when he eventually replies
The fucker
Deal !

Oh @Isitreallyme177 I’m sorry to hear that. 5 months is such a waste of your time. I’ve never been to my irons town, I genuinely don’t have a problem driving up there and meeting for a few hours, but he’s so reluctant! Wonder what he might be hiding in that town of his!! .

He’s exceptionally good at explaining away why he wants to wait, but it is starting to wear slightly thin

[quote Bangheadhere40]**@NewJoolz - my iron was a constant talker, I never met him for 3 month...he would message all the time but be very vague about meeting. He would always say he wanted to though! Eventually this carried on more messaging for ages and then we did meet up a few times ( he cancelled a couple of those though too).

I would slow it down with your iron or just say ' nice chatting but I prefer in person so drop me a line when you have some time' - you can get very invested in these penpal scenarios.

@BelladiMamma keep going, 8 days is great! Can you delete number so you aren't tempted?[/quote]
Good pen pal advice! Definitely send that sort of a message. Don't get sucked into the pen pal black hol @NewJoolz as some of us have been ...

The number is deleted but I've kept a record of it ... like a saddo

[quote VanGoghsDog]@Isitreallyme177 - I looked at going to IoW, inevitably now the weather is nice I wish I had booked it. My fave band are playing Friday night, then Duran Duran Sun, but not much in between I wanted to see, so decided it wasn't worth it. I saw DD last night in Birmingham instead!

@BelladiMamma - I was responding to this, it made it sound like he has a three eyes:

With the 6 foot 3 eyes of blue MrTattoo.

I'm starting to get bored of MrWG now. No full sex (he's great at the other stuff) and he doesn't have much time to see me at all. I don't want an odd hour here and there, and his comms in between is really poor unless he's actually away doing something when he sends me photos.

Guy from the walking group who asked me out has tested positive for Covid so not sure how that affects our "date" Sat week. I'll let him let me know about that I guess.[/quote]
😂😂😂
Doh

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Belladi If you don’t text yours I won’t reply to mine when he eventually replies The fucker Deal !

DEAL

I was just thinking what I could give myself as a pat on the back & have emailed to see if I can get a pedicure next Monday. Obviously I will have to be very honest with myself to see if I deserve the pedicure ...

@Dropdeadfred2

Who knows....?

I think it's a combination of things.

A) he doesn't get a very strong erection, which (possibly incorrectly) makes me feel I can't say "shag me now" as I don't know if he's "ready". I don't want to put pressure on him as I know this makes it worse.
I also feel I can't just jump on top of an erection that isn't very solid!
B) while he does get erect and can finish through manual or oral, he loses it when moving to piv
C) he has mentioned "hang ups" so he knows it is psychological, it seems like he's had a few issues build up. One is around unwanted pregnancy which I hope we have got in hand (he's had a vasectomy, I have a coil and am peri meno) and one is that he is not well endowed (I am quite small so actually this isn't a real issue for me anyway, no idea if he's realised that) but there are others. He's not very emotionally available and I suspect would never even consider any type of therapy which would potentially be successful in this situation.
D) he has a kink - he is submissive. I'm OK with this, he does as he is told, he's happy to just service and provide pleasure to me, though I also like to provide pleasure as I see sex as mutual (it's not that he doesn't see it that way, just that it's all up to me to decide what and when) but this is tricky as I cannot ask for piv since there have been unsuccessful attempts (one successful, which he just did, which is fine of course, but not very in keeping with his submissive tendency, so I'm not sure how we get to that stage generally) and I don't want to put pressure on. I can't help feeling that this kink might be slightly demasculating (he ex wife was very dominant it seems and they had a terrible divorce and the impact of that and ongoing issues cannot be overlooked) and so could also have a psychological effect, or the other way around!

I'm totally besotted with him as a person. But I'm not enamoured with the "relationship" I somehow find myself in. If he can barely respond to texts it's not even a fwb situation as my friends reply to my texts! (And it's not FB as there is no F!)

My ex is a fucker. He just rang and said "are you seeing Mr Cricket tonight as I won't be over until after 9pm". No you fucker I cancelled as you threw a hissy fit the other night and said you'd be here at 8pm. 🤦‍♀️. He then goes why don't you invite him over now. No! no chance I want you bumping into him.🤷‍♀️🙇‍♀️

@NewJoolz can you call him whenever you like? Is he definitely single? I would get very frustrated to be honest with swerving through subject. It is rarely a good idea to continue investing heavily with someone who has all the time in the world to text etc but isn’t wanting to nail down meeting up.

The thing that confused me is why!!! I would get nothing out of messaging some guy I wasn't keen on, I don't understand why he kept it up so persistently if he wasn't interested in anything.

I said a few days ago I got a message this week " I miss our chats", not me...just the chats so he obviously was just on the market for a penpal.

Don't provide this service, it makes you feel rubbish about yourself.

Had to change my name as it wouldn't let me login just then! Will try and get it back to Bang 😁

[quote Bangheadhere40]@NewJoolz yes, 3 months from first talking which was constant. He was 'busy' and lived 2 hours away but I offered to go down there, no excuse really! Similar to yours he kept up the lovely texts / phone communication. After that he went quiet for ages and it took me another 7 months to see him!!!!!! That is when we properly started dating and he started cancelling.

OMG - that sounds pathetic, it really is! It's different when you are getting fed excuses though, I gave him so many get outs too but he always said he did want to meet...it was just work / kids/ anything that was stopping him.[/quote]
@Bangheadhere40. Oh crumbs! That is a long time! Did your iron have something dubious he was hiding? Or literally just a pen pal/flake type of guy?

I too feel a bit embarrassed and pathetic when I see it written down. I do get lonely and his attention is lovely, which makes me really reluctant to cut him off, but in reality, what am I even doing? Fuelling something totally fake, which could ultimately be stopping me from finding someone genuine 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ I’d probably tell a friend to run if they told me this story, why can’t I take my own advice! 🙄🙄🙄

I hear you on the besotted with the person 'but not the relationship... its tricky isn't it?? People are flawed . as are we all..i guess it's figuring out whether it's something you can put up with in the long term..?

[quote ibelieveinmirrorballs]@NewJoolz can you call him whenever you like? Is he definitely single? I would get very frustrated to be honest with swerving through subject. It is rarely a good idea to continue investing heavily with someone who has all the time in the world to text etc but isn’t wanting to nail down meeting up.[/quote]
@ibelieveinmirrorballs. I was pretty sure he is single, sends me selfies from his bed, pictures of his house/garden (albeit close ups rather than views, but I do the same)and we do text chat most evenings, all evening, but now I’m scrutinising everything, he rings me from the car on his way home from work for chatting, although he does stay on the phone for ages saying he’s parked ‘on his driveway’, I suppose he could be parked up somewhere else before going home. And we seem to have fallen into set times for video chatting (Thursday and Sunday nights) so could be a time when he doesn’t see his other half 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m just not sure now!

You are right, it’s not good is it?! 🙁

@NewJoolz - I am not sure, there was always issues with his ex and they hadn't long separated. I do wonder if he was still wanting to get back with her but keeping me in reserve ( something nice to do).

Exactly the same as you it is lovely and you enjoy the attention but it really did stop me putting my all into meeting someone proper. I find the longer it goes on the harder it is to stop.

@NewJoolz I think the thing that’s hard for us to accept is that this arrangement for whatever reason is sufficient for them. They’re happy to have a sympathetic, entertaining, good company person available at the end of the phone and it probably is an ego boost for them.

The key is - it’s not really what you’re looking for, and it isn’t what you want. Personally I would be quite open about that and just lay out that unless the two of you meet soon, you’re unlikely to remain interested as there’s only so far you can invest without face to face contact. Primarily for me this is because I know from bitter experience that until you meet in the flesh you have no idea if you actually fancy them and therefore it’s a waste of time to get too in deep. Really recommend Natalie Lue’s book The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship…

[quote Bangheadhere40]@NewJoolz - I am not sure, there was always issues with his ex and they hadn't long separated. I do wonder if he was still wanting to get back with her but keeping me in reserve ( something nice to do).

Exactly the same as you it is lovely and you enjoy the attention but it really did stop me putting my all into meeting someone proper. I find the longer it goes on the harder it is to stop.[/quote]
@Bangheadhere40 oh 🙁. Being in reserve just sucks doesn’t it?

I’m finding myself happily waving off other chats saying, ‘best of luck, but I’m seeing someone’, and then thinking, ‘but am I?, really?’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

Argh! Why is this so difficult! I thought it would be just nice and easy to find someone to spend a bit of time with on occasion, having a laugh, a few sleepovers now and again, but no, this search is like a bloody minefield and I’m constantly on edge, suspicious and wary! I’m exhausted!!!

[quote ibelieveinmirrorballs]@NewJoolz I think the thing that’s hard for us to accept is that this arrangement for whatever reason is sufficient for them. They’re happy to have a sympathetic, entertaining, good company person available at the end of the phone and it probably is an ego boost for them.

The key is - it’s not really what you’re looking for, and it isn’t what you want. Personally I would be quite open about that and just lay out that unless the two of you meet soon, you’re unlikely to remain interested as there’s only so far you can invest without face to face contact. Primarily for me this is because I know from bitter experience that until you meet in the flesh you have no idea if you actually fancy them and therefore it’s a waste of time to get too in deep. Really recommend Natalie Lue’s book The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship…[/quote]
@ibelieveinmirrorballs. Thanks for that very wise advice. I’ve seen that book recommended before (maybe by you!). Will definitely have a look at it I think. 😁

So I bit the bullet and messaged Mr Cricket to see if he was still available for dinner tonight. I thought sod it, I can get a couple of steaks if he is. No response so I'm now feeling an idiot that I didn't say yes in the first place😂.

Argh! Why is this so difficult! I thought it would be just nice and easy to find someone to spend a bit of time with on occasion, having a laugh, a few sleepovers now and again, but no, this search is like a bloody minefield and I’m constantly on edge, suspicious and wary! I’m exhausted!!

Yes !
I think we all started this , and very quickly learned this is the reality 😁

I laugh at my desire for a nice FWB
Hahajajajajakajaja

I laugh at my idea that sending Mr Cricket a message on the day, saying yes to his suggested day for dinner after originally saying no to it was a good one. If he says yes I've got to cook something and make myself presentable drop dead gorgeous and he probably made alternative plans anyway.

Yep - I did the same, felt like I was 'seeing him so never bothered with other chats much.

Of course when it turns out they are actually meeting others they will just say " well we weren't together " blah blah

It sucks being in reserve, I won't do that again.

You are brave!!! ( and maybe a bit crazy ) i hope he replies soon