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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To think maybe this is not normal

681 replies

Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 12:45

Long story short I’ve been noticing things that make me feel my relationship is not right. We have been together a long time but these little things have been getting worse. I don’t know if I’m genuinely to blame or if this isn’t normal.
So for example we don’t live together he asks me to do his food shopping (he works full time and me part time) so I am ok with that but if I can’t do it the day and hour he wants it he goes off on one. Today is another example I said I would drop the food shopping off at his work as he’s finishing earlier but his home and work is 30 min from me and I was going food shopping early so I said I would drop it at his work. He was ok with this. He then asked me to call him a taxi as he is working later now so that he could drop his food at his house and go back to work. I booked one online to be dispatched ASAP and taxis in the area were really busy and it took longer than expected. He then rang me to say it’s all my fault he will be late back to work because I should have waited around to take him back home on his lunch break so he wasn’t relying on taxis. He is now not speaking to me. Another thing is I went to collect him some new release trainers I got to the shop as soon as they opened especially so i got them in time, he then asked me to drive to his work (a further 25 minutes) and drop them off. I said I couldn’t do that and I would drop them off on Sunday (today) which I did. He is now telling me if the size is wrong and it doesn’t fit he wants the money off me for the shoes because all pairs have sold out now and if I’d have dropped them off on the day I bought them it wouldn’t have been a problem. He is so angry when he says all this and insults me at the same time. These are just little examples but they happen every day. I have to apologise all the time but I genuinely don’t think I’ve done wrong?

OP posts:
molsmumx · 12/09/2021 15:55

I honestly don't think these are little things and I think he's taking you for a complete mug babe!
Get rid you're worth so much more than that!
Sending all my love x

Indigomint · 12/09/2021 15:56

Anybody that listens to and believes his crap is not on your side. Use your 2nd year to extend your social circle and move forward. Focus on you and those that support you.

334bu · 12/09/2021 15:57

Well done. Now go and have a fantastic life! 🍾🎉🎊

TatianaBis · 12/09/2021 15:57

@Poppy298

This is my worry, my first year of uni tbh is tainted with unhappiness. Not the fun that everyone else talks about I don’t want to be older and bitter about how much of my life I’ve wasted. I ended it once when I was 19 albeit for a few weeks at most and he told everyone and anyone he could about how bad of a person I was. So I guess I’ll be facing all that again but I shouldn’t stay out of fear of what he’s going to say about me.
What does it matter what he says? Your family can’t stand him so they will know it’s nonsense. And your uni friends presumably don’t know him.
BlueJag · 12/09/2021 15:58

I've been married for 32 years and my husband never shouts at me o makes me feel bad in any way. We are nice to each other. That's they way it's meant to be. You owe this man nothing. Don't settle for it. Things only get worse.

ChinstrapBobblehat · 12/09/2021 15:58

@Poppy298

This is my worry, my first year of uni tbh is tainted with unhappiness. Not the fun that everyone else talks about I don’t want to be older and bitter about how much of my life I’ve wasted. I ended it once when I was 19 albeit for a few weeks at most and he told everyone and anyone he could about how bad of a person I was. So I guess I’ll be facing all that again but I shouldn’t stay out of fear of what he’s going to say about me.
Yes, he will absolutely try to get back at you. An abuser’s worst fear is losing control, so he will throw everything he’s got into regaining that control - whether that’s winning you back under the pretext that he’ll change (spoiler alert: he won’t), or turning on you and becoming vindictive to try and hurt or shame you.

Be strong. Don’t engage. And please do take advantage of the resources already recommended on this thread. I cannot emphasise how important it is to educate yourself on how these fuckers operate in order to break free from their bullshit.

ArabellaScott · 12/09/2021 15:58

Well done, OP. Have a fabulous life without this loser weighing you down. Smile

Indigomint · 12/09/2021 15:58

Unless a 'normal' partner is always one that works for Ocado he's utterly delusional.

What a joker.

lazylinguist · 12/09/2021 16:01

Wow, what an arrogant twat he is. Well done, OP. Please please do not entertain any manipulation from him once he decides it would be easier to persuade his former slave to come back than to go through all the bother of finding and training a new one!

powershowerforanhour · 12/09/2021 16:04

m.youtube.com/watch?v=bfZs5eD9ukQ

Is this him?
Well done on the dumping, enjoy your freedom.

Wildheartsease · 12/09/2021 16:05

Well done on your first step to freedom OP.

Enjoy this year at Uni and have a great time.
(NB think carefully before engaging in a new longterm relationship. I wonder what made you think that his demands could be reasonable. It might be wise to look into what 'abuse' and 'control' can mean. There is some good reading on here too.)

itsgettingwierd · 12/09/2021 16:05

@Poppy298

I have now blocked but I read his reply on the Lock Screen it was: “ the way you treat me is disgusting what do I ask of you that a normal girlfriend wouldn’t do for her partner you’re so deluded I told you a long time ago you are just a silly little girl”

WHAT A TWAT WHAT THE HELL DID I SEE IN THIS MAN yes he is good looking but I mean I wouldn’t necessarily break my neck looking back at him if I walked past him in the street. Christ I feel SO stupid to have let someone make me feel like this is “love”

Well he's the one who said "partner". But that's not what he wants. He doesn't want a partner he wants a GF/wife who supports his lifestyle and is there at his beck and call to facilitate his life to his max.
HollowTalk · 12/09/2021 16:06

Blocking him is the only answer. Face it, last time you split up he insulted you until you went back to him. That's wrong in so many ways - why would he want you back if he thought that of you? Why would you go back to someone who spoke to you like that?

Now you've seen the light - that's so great. Just make sure you keep away from him now. Thank god you don't live with him.

Just a note of caution - this is a man who can't manage adult life on his own. I reckon within a fortnight he'll have another woman who'll be running around doing his chores. He'll try to make sure you know about it as that will be part of his punishment towards you. Expect it and ignore it.

RacistAngst · 12/09/2021 16:11

Silly little girl?!?

Just for that, you would have needed to get rid him.
He is so full of himself!

Just a word of warning, he will do his best to bring you back in, whatever the way.
Talk to your friends, your family. Let them know you’ve left him. And warn them he might well get really unpleasant.
You might them to have your back and support you in RL.

SleightOfMind · 12/09/2021 16:13

My eldest son started behaving a bit like this when his father and I were wfh during lockdown1. He clearly assumed that, as we were around more, he could demand more.

He got short shrift from both of us and told in no uncertain terms that if he ever treated a girlfriend like that he’d be dumped on the spot - don’t prove me wrong OP, I hate that 😉

lurker2003 · 12/09/2021 16:18

Let him say what he wants about you. Anyone who’s important to you won’t believe a word he says anyway.

TheBestWhootersInWhoville · 12/09/2021 16:19

It’s not normal. Ltb

EKGEMS · 12/09/2021 16:20

I hope that narcissistic mother fucker gets fire ants in his pants! Well done dumping him

JudgeJudyRocks · 12/09/2021 16:22

I assume he looks like Brad Pitt and has a 15 inch cock?

Otherwise, none of this makes any sense.

Viviennemary · 12/09/2021 16:24

Tell him you resign and he needs to employ another unpaid skivvy. Absolutely ridiculous. Ditch immediately.

Themorethemerrier · 12/09/2021 16:26

@Poppy298

I know I do feel and look like a mug but I suppose I’ve just always done it and he makes me feel bad if I don’t
And that’s exactly why he does it. He knows you’ll always then try to do what’s needed to get it right - but he won’t let you get it right.

Please tell him to stick the trainers up his bum and go onto a new life without him.

You’re being.emotionally abused.

WallaceinAnderland · 12/09/2021 16:27

Is that the worst he can come up with. I bet he is fuming. Don't reply to anything, it will drive him mad.

The best thing you can do is get on with your life and be happy. Don't look back, you have your whole life ahead of you and this has just been a learning curve. Now you know to raise your standards high and expect someone to treat you with respect.

misskatamari · 12/09/2021 16:30

Omg he is a total and utter bellend! Well done on seeing this and dumping him. Block and move on! You've dodged a bullet with this one.

BlackTee40 · 12/09/2021 16:31

@Poppy298

This is my worry, my first year of uni tbh is tainted with unhappiness. Not the fun that everyone else talks about I don’t want to be older and bitter about how much of my life I’ve wasted. I ended it once when I was 19 albeit for a few weeks at most and he told everyone and anyone he could about how bad of a person I was. So I guess I’ll be facing all that again but I shouldn’t stay out of fear of what he’s going to say about me.
Tell everyone about him first.
TicTac80 · 12/09/2021 16:32

@Poppy298

Yes nobody else will want me because I’m good for nothing apparently haha! I can’t believe all these comments this is just what I needed to hear. Thanks so much guys
That's what my cretinous dick of an ex (from years back) said to me. I was a similar age to you. Spookily, his behaviour was similar to your "D"P's. Except I was stupid enough to move in with him. Nearly two decades on - he's much the same. I dumped him after 3yrs....best thing I ever did! I dread to think where I would have been if I had stayed with him. He ran my confidence into the ground.

Get whatever stuff you need in order, and then dump him. Run. Run fast, and don't look back. You'll be just fine without him, I promise :D x