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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To think maybe this is not normal

681 replies

Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 12:45

Long story short I’ve been noticing things that make me feel my relationship is not right. We have been together a long time but these little things have been getting worse. I don’t know if I’m genuinely to blame or if this isn’t normal.
So for example we don’t live together he asks me to do his food shopping (he works full time and me part time) so I am ok with that but if I can’t do it the day and hour he wants it he goes off on one. Today is another example I said I would drop the food shopping off at his work as he’s finishing earlier but his home and work is 30 min from me and I was going food shopping early so I said I would drop it at his work. He was ok with this. He then asked me to call him a taxi as he is working later now so that he could drop his food at his house and go back to work. I booked one online to be dispatched ASAP and taxis in the area were really busy and it took longer than expected. He then rang me to say it’s all my fault he will be late back to work because I should have waited around to take him back home on his lunch break so he wasn’t relying on taxis. He is now not speaking to me. Another thing is I went to collect him some new release trainers I got to the shop as soon as they opened especially so i got them in time, he then asked me to drive to his work (a further 25 minutes) and drop them off. I said I couldn’t do that and I would drop them off on Sunday (today) which I did. He is now telling me if the size is wrong and it doesn’t fit he wants the money off me for the shoes because all pairs have sold out now and if I’d have dropped them off on the day I bought them it wouldn’t have been a problem. He is so angry when he says all this and insults me at the same time. These are just little examples but they happen every day. I have to apologise all the time but I genuinely don’t think I’ve done wrong?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2021 16:32

The only reason he's upset is because his unpaid skivvy is gone. He has never cared about you as a person.

liveforsummer · 12/09/2021 16:37

Ugh he sounds vile. Why can't he phone his own taxi? And why would he need the money for the shoes, surely he could just return them (or more likely order you to). This is NOT normal. Not in any way, shape or form. He's got you running round all over the place. Leave him - today is not too soon.

TicTac80 · 12/09/2021 16:39

Forgive me, I didn't RTFT!!! WELL DONE!!! HUGE MASSIVE WELL DONE. The guy is an absolute tool, and I'm so glad you dumped him! Don't worry about what he says about you to other people. According to my aforementioned ex, when I left him, I was the Whore of Babylon, Manson, The Moors Murderers and pond scum mixed together. The people who matter will know that you're fucking awesome.

liveforsummer · 12/09/2021 16:39

@ChinstrapBobblehat

Oops, sorry OP - was so bloody angry I didn’t get to the end of the thread and your update.

Brilliant, well done.

As you were Grin

Yes, same! I usually do rtft. Glad you beat my advice to it!
Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 16:41

@TicTac80

Forgive me, I didn't RTFT!!! WELL DONE!!! HUGE MASSIVE WELL DONE. The guy is an absolute tool, and I'm so glad you dumped him! Don't worry about what he says about you to other people. According to my aforementioned ex, when I left him, I was the Whore of Babylon, Manson, The Moors Murderers and pond scum mixed together. The people who matter will know that you're fucking awesome.
This is brilliant 😂 The whore of Babylon 🤣
OP posts:
MargosKaftan · 12/09/2021 16:41

It wasn't wasted time. Its helped you learn. About yourself, about relationships. Not a waste. Dont be bitter. There will be so many better things you can do now. Have you told your family & friends you have ended it? Bet their reaction will be relief. Noone will tell you to stay with him. It doesn't matter what he says about you, anyone who takes his side isn't worth worrying about.

(And last year wasn't a normal 1st year at uni anyway what with the covid horrible situation.)

Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 16:44

He did try to sabotage my studies to be honest last year by accusing me of “meeting men” in the library toilets 🤣🤣🤣 now I look back this is honestly so funny the shit I have listened to. That came about because I didn’t answer the phone because I was trying to do some work.

I think I will genuinely need to take some time to figure out why I thought this was ok and to stop be getting into another relationship like this.

OP posts:
StrangeLookingParasite · 12/09/2021 16:44

Yes nobody else will want me because I’m good for nothing apparently

Oh they all say that, it's a script I suspect.
The 'silly little girl' comment makes me want to hunt him down and kick him in the bum until his teeth ratttle.
He knows you're smarter than him, and have more going for you. He a bully and a leech.

Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 16:45

I have told my sibling not my mum yet. (My dad passed away) and she just said “good don’t know why it took you so long anyway” 😬😂

OP posts:
CharlieBoo · 12/09/2021 16:47

Goodness me!! Please walk away from this man now!! Do not be anyone’s skivvy!!

I had an ex a but like this.. his washing machine broke down early on in our relationship and I did his washing for a bit until he got a new one.. new one arrived and I stopped doing his washing.. he said I didn’t live him enough to do his washing etc and a total guilt trip… he was just lazy!

Get rid.. get rid.. get rid.. you’re 23… go get yourself a man who knows your worth xx

Blossomtoes · 12/09/2021 16:49

He’s got the wrong slave. Resign the position so he can recruit a new one.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/09/2021 16:50

@Wingedharpy

Oh Poppy. You're 23 - the world is your oyster and this creature that you've saddled yourself with, is no pearl. Just stop. Abandon him to his own fate and concentrate on looking after you.
this! And don't blame yourself for this situation, it started when you were only 18 and has probably grown. He really is entitled. The sentence that jumped out at me was - He is so angry when he says all this and insults me at the same time. These are just little examples but they happen every day. I have to apologise all the time Daily anger and insults over trivial things. You don't have to put up with this!! PLEASE don't pay for his rotten trainers.
Dontwatchfootball · 12/09/2021 16:51

FFS - stop being such a doormat. You KNOW this is not right. He wants a personal assistant/mummy that he can be as horrible to as he likes. You need to get out, now. Nice people dont treat other people this way.

Graphista · 12/09/2021 16:53

WELL DONE! On getting rid - keep him rid! Block on everything and even consider getting a new mobile number and telling people you've a dodgy ex and not to give it out!

Op you are only a little older than my dd and I'm going to tell you something I have drummed into her!

Being single is perfectly acceptable option at ANY stage of your life.

No man/partner should ever make you feel bad about yourself. If they don't enrich your life and treat you KINDLY cut them loose.

Please please get some therapy so you don't find yourself in another similar relationship. Uni's have this kind of support available and believe me they deal with this type of situation ALL the time. It's sadly all too common.

This was an emotionally abusive relationship (and I suspect financially too I HOPE not physically or sexually) and it takes time to recover from that and reach a point you can enter a healthy equal relationship.

Give serious consideration to remaining single while at uni and focus on studies. You can still have plenty of fun without being in a relationship.

I have been single to all intents and purposes since I split with dds dad almost 20 years ago. I have dated at times but nothing really serious. It would take someone very very special to make me give up my independence and do a ton of compromising.

Dd has been single for the past year or two after breaking up with childhood sweetheart mainly due to career/uni options they decided on that weren't compatible but which they both wanted to pursue rightly so. They remain good friends BUT he always treated her well.

Previous boyfriend was a dick! Which caused some tension with us, was a relief when she saw his true colours. Unfortunately when they split he started stalking her! We got that sorted though.

Good men/partners do not treat people like this EVER.

Your sister is spot on!!

BackAwayFatty · 12/09/2021 16:53

Well done for dumping him. You're obviously very caring & capable. Sounds like it's time to make up for lost time & enjoy year 2 of Uni. Good luck!

GoingOutOutNEVER · 12/09/2021 16:55

I’d be taking those shoes and the food and getting outta there, and I’d be slamming the perverbial door on his ungrateful arse

lazylinguist · 12/09/2021 16:55

He did try to sabotage my studies to be honest last year by accusing me of “meeting men” in the library toilets

Angry What. An. Arsehole. He's either so deluded that he genuinely thinks it was reasonable to expect his partner to be his servant, or he knew exactly what he was doing, and was chuckling to himself that he was managing to get you to put up with it. Either way - dickhead.

Blossomtoes · 12/09/2021 16:55

Well done @Poppy298. Please, please promise you won’t have him back.

Beebababadabo · 12/09/2021 16:57

Well done 👏 never look back you deserve so much better!

Herecomesthesun70 · 12/09/2021 16:59

Good for you lovely.

He's a tosser and you're waaaay too good for him

nahnahnahnahnahyeh · 12/09/2021 16:59

Well done! You did it!
Now give yourself time to get over this relationship. See if you can access some counselling through uni abs TALK about it.
The freedom programme would be worth a look too.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/09/2021 17:01

Poppy, you can go and CELEBRATE that you dumped that miserable entitled fool. And your sis agrees with you!
You are young, at uni getting an education (and any man that would try to sabotage that is utterly worthless and he did it because he didn't want you thinking for yourself or having any other input than his rotten ideas. So well done! ), you have your own accommodation and now that unis are opening up out of lockdown you can start making new friends and enjoying being single and building your future.
As i said before, don't blame yourself, sometimes it takes a while to wake up to this nonsense but now that you have this is a great day for you. As @Graphista said, the uni will have support if you want to talk to someone about how to wind up this relationship and about future ones.

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 12/09/2021 17:02

tell him to do one OP ..fuck him and his lousy attitude,You deserve far more.Respect yourself and dump this cretin

Babyroobs · 12/09/2021 17:02

Can he not just get his bloody shopping delivered?? WTAF !!

Oneborneverydecade · 12/09/2021 17:02

I don't know you but still feel super proud of you for taking action. Some people waste a lifetime on partners who treat them like shit. Don't jump into anything new, but I'm sure when you do meet a good guy you'll really appreciate what a dick your ex is