To think maybe this is not normal

[Poppy298]

Long story short I’ve been noticing things that make me feel my relationship is not right. We have been together a long time but these little things have been getting worse. I don’t know if I’m genuinely to blame or if this isn’t normal.
So for example we don’t live together he asks me to do his food shopping (he works full time and me part time) so I am ok with that but if I can’t do it the day and hour he wants it he goes off on one. Today is another example I said I would drop the food shopping off at his work as he’s finishing earlier but his home and work is 30 min from me and I was going food shopping early so I said I would drop it at his work. He was ok with this. He then asked me to call him a taxi as he is working later now so that he could drop his food at his house and go back to work. I booked one online to be dispatched ASAP and taxis in the area were really busy and it took longer than expected. He then rang me to say it’s all my fault he will be late back to work because I should have waited around to take him back home on his lunch break so he wasn’t relying on taxis. He is now not speaking to me. Another thing is I went to collect him some new release trainers I got to the shop as soon as they opened especially so i got them in time, he then asked me to drive to his work (a further 25 minutes) and drop them off. I said I couldn’t do that and I would drop them off on Sunday (today) which I did. He is now telling me if the size is wrong and it doesn’t fit he wants the money off me for the shoes because all pairs have sold out now and if I’d have dropped them off on the day I bought them it wouldn’t have been a problem. He is so angry when he says all this and insults me at the same time. These are just little examples but they happen every day. I have to apologise all the time but I genuinely don’t think I’ve done wrong?

How are you doing now, OP?

First of all: well done you for dumping this idiot!
Second: well done again!
Third: just remember that, if in the future any guy starts mentioning "his psycho ex" there is a big chance the issue is with him. For this prince of men you will always be "the psycho ex" who is also a racist, lesbian, crap-in-bed and generally silly - of course, until the next girl he is going to date decides she is not/does not want to be his servant and joins his gang of "psycho exes"
Forth: Did I say well done you for getting rid of the asshole?

*Fourth

oh Jesus OP, run, run, run and don't look back.

There is more to life than being this blokes maid. It is not at all normal.

Right now, from his point of view, he's going to try everything to reel you back in - after all, that's 5 years of brainwashing efforts on his part to get you to be the downtrodden docile meek slave he moulded. So he's not going to want to start from scratch with someone new.

So, right now, he's being abusive - because in the past, it's worked on you right? When you hold firm, and he sees the abusive voicemails and bad-mouthing you to people aren't working, he's going to change tactic. He'll try overt romantic gestures, promise you a better relationship, promise to get counselling or he'll try to play on your innate kindness or concern for him by threatening to harm himself.

Do.Not.Waver. These are ALL tactics. They are ALL fake and only offered to reel you back in.
If he's capable of genuine change, why didn't he do that when he was clearly making you miserable?
If he's capable of being genuinely kind, romantic, why didn't he do that already?

And as for self harm - yes, he WILL threaten it, he might even do a half arsed attempt at it. But he's too much of a god in his own eyes to actually do it to himself. The only correct response for you if he does contact you to say he's going to off himself is to contact the emergency services, give his location and details and let them deal with him.

He will find another woman as soon as possible, if not already. She will likely be quite young, not very wordly, someone with no previous experience of relationships (or decent ones anyway) The reason is twofold for him - first one is to make you jealous, so prepare for him to flaunt this new relationship, and the second reason is that he needs someone to abuse now you are gone and in case he can't reel you back in.

@Poppy298

Yes he has made comments about me being at uni and that I won’t make it anywhere in life. He’s also very angry about his work situation. Apparently any good woman would have helped him to start a successful business so that he didn’t have to be an “employee” and could work for himself. But I didn’t do that, I don’t have a money tree plus his business ideas are shit anyway. Actually the more I think about all this crap I deal with the more angry I’m getting 😂

what a fucking loser

OP, nothing wrong with you.
This is all on him. He us an emotional, controlling abuser.
I spent 5 yrs with a twat like this. Nothing is ever their fault and they'd rather you were sat alone at home with no one and tell you this is normal love.

It takes time to get over and get back to yourself- but you will and when you have you will see what real love is like. Take your time. You're still young. I met DH aged 30 yrs 😅

Get the counselling and don't stress about your family judgement- they are just glad you're free

@Drinkingallthewine

Right now, from his point of view, he's going to try everything to reel you back in - after all, that's 5 years of brainwashing efforts on his part to get you to be the downtrodden docile meek slave he moulded. So he's not going to want to start from scratch with someone new.

So, right now, he's being abusive - because in the past, it's worked on you right? When you hold firm, and he sees the abusive voicemails and bad-mouthing you to people aren't working, he's going to change tactic. He'll try overt romantic gestures, promise you a better relationship, promise to get counselling or he'll try to play on your innate kindness or concern for him by threatening to harm himself.

Do.Not.Waver. These are ALL tactics. They are ALL fake and only offered to reel you back in.
If he's capable of genuine change, why didn't he do that when he was clearly making you miserable?
If he's capable of being genuinely kind, romantic, why didn't he do that already?

And as for self harm - yes, he WILL threaten it, he might even do a half arsed attempt at it. But he's too much of a god in his own eyes to actually do it to himself. The only correct response for you if he does contact you to say he's going to off himself is to contact the emergency services, give his location and details and let them deal with him.

He will find another woman as soon as possible, if not already. She will likely be quite young, not very wordly, someone with no previous experience of relationships (or decent ones anyway) The reason is twofold for him - first one is to make you jealous, so prepare for him to flaunt this new relationship, and the second reason is that he needs someone to abuse now you are gone and in case he can't reel you back in.

Excellent post..... OP please read this over and over and be ready...... see all his efforts for what they are - a script..... may even be unconscious on his part. Doesn't matter. Just stay strong.....

I got out of mine at 23 as well, seems to be an age of "...hang on a minute...." where you realise you're a full adult now and can do things a different way to how you've always done them before.

I tend to say I don't regret my abusive relationship because it taught me what I won't put up with in future - if I ever feel a return of that feeling of powerlessness or fear, or notice a return to me paying for more than my share, then I'm out.

It was eye-opening to me to have his best friend tell me after we broke up "we were all surprised he was in a relationship because he always seemed to hate women", god knows what my ex said when I wasn't around to hear it!

@Poppy298 My daughter is 23 in November and if she was being treated like this, I’d be devastated. I’m glad that you’re finally seeing youre worth far more.

Wishing you so much luck and self esteem in the future

@Drinkingallthewine s comments are ALL spot on. Screenshot them

Jesus. 'chore whore' is so grim.

You don't live together, and he is not speaking to you.

Post whatever you have of his at yours, and forget anything you have at his and any money you've spent on him.

Getting rid of him is the best thing you can do. Clean break.

It looks as if he isn't going to be that successful in trashing your reputaiton OP.; he lacks the necessary insight. Why would he imagine that your sister would be upset at the idea of you having an affair with another man?

Surely, if she believed this for a moment, she would be more likely to be cheering you on!

I had an abusive ex and he followed the script exactly. Was decent until I got pregnant and then immediately turned into an abusive arsehole.

When he thought I was going to leave he love-bombed, offered marriage, better behaviour, threatened suicide. Absolutely textbook.

When I finally got away he tried with an abusive message. I messaged him and told him if he ever attempted to contact me again I would take legal action. Stay strong and don't get sucked in!

[quote Poppy298]@Sydendad yes I agree I think maybe there are some personal issues I do need to deal with. I do always try to please people and will avoid being honest if I think it will cause upset. The freedom programme has also been mentioned which I’m going to look into. One day at a time.[/quote]
So you are a people-pleaser. Do you know who should be at the top of the list? You!

If someone wants you to do something and it makes you miserable, uneasy, cross, frustrated, upset or you just don't want to do it, then you really shouldn't be doing it just to please them.

Put your own feelings first. The Freedom Programme will help you to do that.

Also.. keep and Print every offensive email text etc..

you may need it in the future 🌸

I think you need to alert the police if his messages/behaviour carry on in such an abusive way. It's not normal behaviour and is worrying. You don't want it to escalate.

@marieantoinehairnet

Bin him off, Jesus, are you his mother?!

He's a full functioning adult who can sort himself out, he's odd snd you are for putting up with it

You obviously didn’t RTFT and well done for being so supportive - not !!

[quote Poppy298]@Rangoon he asked me about 5 months into the relationship if I would lend him the money to start a business. I said no. He had no idea about running a business. Over the years instead of saving his own money to start it, he’s spent it on unnecessary things. Now I am to blame because I “shouldn’t have let him waste his money” and I’m to blame for the fact he has to work for someone instead of having his own successful business by now. If I was a “good woman” I would have helped him save his money. Before he made any large purchase I would always say “are you sure it’s a lot of money” but he’d just say yes and buy it so I’m not controlling it’s his money he can do what he wants. But somehow.. still my fault.[/quote]
And, of course, if you had stopped him wasting his money you would have been a controlling bitch. And if he's started his business and it inevitably failed, that would be your fault anyway. This man is totally incapable of taking responsibility for himself.

So my sis has listened to my latest voicemails and she was laughing at one particular one obvs I couldn’t hear it but then out of curiosity I said why are you laughing. I shouldn’t have but I said tell me , and it is amusing tbh. He said “you should feel lucky I ever even looked at you I can find a better woman than you even my ex was 100 x better than you in bed and everything. You don’t even know how to f* a man properly so I’m just letting you know this isn’t the end of me I’ll find someone else someone I can have a better life with” then 2 secs later another one “by the way could you please unblock me and tell me where I can buy a new toilet seat” oh my 🥴 she did say there was some angry ones before that were left last night that she didn’t like the sound of so we have just got a ring doorbell. Thanks guys. Feeling stronger by the hour.

What a gobshite🙄😂

I had my first meeting today with the counselling service to see what they can help me with and whilst we haven’t had an in depth talk yet the lady actually told me to journal before bed. Write down what I’ve been feeling throughout the day towards him or thoughts about him. Close the book every night and wake up with a fresh page. I really like the sound of this

Sounds great.

You have a lovely future to look forward to, particularly if you make a project of YOURSELF to figure out WHY he was able to get into your head the way he did.

You NEVER want that to EVER happen again.

You need to really take a big time out to figure that out.

Focus on being the boss of you completely.

I think that in future, when you think of him, you should picture his face peering out through a plastic toilet seat jammed around his head, his expression puzzled at a world which will let a woman decide she's had enough of him and walk -- without even the grace to get him his shopping and buying him a new toilet seat. The idea!

Glad you got the ring doorbell, and hope you find the journalling and counselling useful.