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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To think maybe this is not normal

681 replies

Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 12:45

Long story short I’ve been noticing things that make me feel my relationship is not right. We have been together a long time but these little things have been getting worse. I don’t know if I’m genuinely to blame or if this isn’t normal.
So for example we don’t live together he asks me to do his food shopping (he works full time and me part time) so I am ok with that but if I can’t do it the day and hour he wants it he goes off on one. Today is another example I said I would drop the food shopping off at his work as he’s finishing earlier but his home and work is 30 min from me and I was going food shopping early so I said I would drop it at his work. He was ok with this. He then asked me to call him a taxi as he is working later now so that he could drop his food at his house and go back to work. I booked one online to be dispatched ASAP and taxis in the area were really busy and it took longer than expected. He then rang me to say it’s all my fault he will be late back to work because I should have waited around to take him back home on his lunch break so he wasn’t relying on taxis. He is now not speaking to me. Another thing is I went to collect him some new release trainers I got to the shop as soon as they opened especially so i got them in time, he then asked me to drive to his work (a further 25 minutes) and drop them off. I said I couldn’t do that and I would drop them off on Sunday (today) which I did. He is now telling me if the size is wrong and it doesn’t fit he wants the money off me for the shoes because all pairs have sold out now and if I’d have dropped them off on the day I bought them it wouldn’t have been a problem. He is so angry when he says all this and insults me at the same time. These are just little examples but they happen every day. I have to apologise all the time but I genuinely don’t think I’ve done wrong?

OP posts:
Confusedandshaken · 15/09/2021 08:47

Well done on seeing the light and getting rid OP. Stay strong.

For the time being I wouldn't engage with him in any way. Keep a record of all messages and texts just in case but don't respond in anyway. He wants to keep you tied to him and communicating with him - don't give him that power. If you ever feel unsafe and that you need to let the police know go ahead and do it but don't warn him. He is loving the drama so don't feed it to him.

If it's any comfort reading this bought back memories of someone I dumped nearly 35 years ago. Like you I'd had niggling feelings that he wasn't quite right but pushed them aside for sometime. In the end I wised up and dumped him and he went full on psycho nutter, breaking in, abusive phone calls, contacting my friends and family etc. Luckily this was pre SM so opportunities for abuse were more limited and I just never, ever acknowledged any of it apart form reporting the break in to the police n. He was in the forces the local police contacted his airbase and he was demoted and redeployed far, far away. Even that didn't stop his abuse but by then I just sent all details to a contact in his regiment and I heard he was eventually chucked out. Not just for what he did to me but to previous and subsequent girlfriends. The amazing thing is, that before reading your posts I had actually forgotten about it all! What was once a major trauma in my life is now just a hazy and unimportant memory.

Stay strong. Better times are ahead for an intelligent, strong and articulate young woman like you.

Flakjacketon · 15/09/2021 08:50

I haven't read all the responses yet so please forgive me if I am repeating advice. To my mind, the abusive texts are harassment and it is good that neither you nor your sister are responding.
He might just get tired of it as he is just venting his anger that you had the audacity to dump such a great catch as him. His pride is wounded.
If he doesn't then report him to the police. You will find it easier to get over him if he leaves you alone 1💐

bembridge11 · 15/09/2021 08:53

He is treating you like a maid. You need to lay down a boundary and say NO. If it is getting worse this shows you your boundary isnt clear to him.

blobby10 · 15/09/2021 08:59

@Poppy298 I've read all your comments and you've definitely dodged a whole hail of bullets by not moving in with him! As the mum of a 23 year old I would be so proud of her if she behaved with as much strength and dignity that you have to this complete ** of a man! It may not feel like it right now but you will look back on this part of your life (when you're an old fogey like me Grin) and laugh about it. In the meantime, go and have the most amazing time at Uni, and enjoy your youth! You flaming well deserve it xx

Dery · 15/09/2021 09:08

@Poppy298

Huge well done to you for getting away from this abusive relationship. For some reason (perhaps his family set-up taught him this), he believes women are put on earth to serve men and that it is completely okay for men to bully and abuse women to keep them in line. A good boyfriend raises his partner up - tells her there's nothing she can't achieve if she puts her mind to it. This guy wanted to keep you very, very small so he could push you around and keep you at his beck and call. He has done extreme emotional and psychological violence to you. Those are very serious forms of violence. And by the way, I'm sure he would have been physically violent (if he hasn't been already), if he thought he needed to do so to keep you in line.

As PP have said - the next few months while you concentrate on staying away from him will be hard work. You've been with him for 5 years (he's stolen 5 years from you is how I see it) - your entire young adult life so being with him is very familiar even if it's often unpleasant.

It's easy to stay away while he's heaping abuse on you as he currently is but once he sees that isn't working, he may start pleading with you - saying he can't live without you - threatening suicide etc. That is a well-known abuser tactic (and this man is an abuser). You will need to stay strong through that also, if it happens, and it will be difficult because you're a kind and loving person. Also he has trained you to put his needs before yours (another abuser tactic). So - if he starts to threaten suicide, firstly - there isn't a chance in hell he will kill himself - it's pure emotional blackmail. But even if there were such a chance, that's on him. It is abusive to keep someone in a relationship by threatening suicide if they leave - that's just more abuse. No adult is responsible for keeping another alive.

But if he does threaten suicide, that will likely be hard for you to hear. The thing to do is call the emergency services and say that your ex-partner is threatening suicide and ask them to do a welfare check. Then leave it with them. I remember an MN poster saying she had done exactly that and the police turned up at her ex's house and he was happily watching tv. He didn't try that trick again.

Because the key thing is that this man is no longer your responsibility. In fact, he never was. But he certainly isn't now. But it will probably be several months before you stop hearing his voice dripping poison into your ear.

You will need to re-educate yourself about what makes a healthy relationship because your perceptions will be skewed at the moment. The Freedom Programme will be very useful for that. You might also find "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood helpful. I know people have directed you to the Lundy Bancroft book. Also, "In the Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser: How He Gets Into Your Head" may be of interest.

Like PP, I think this man is unhinged and he may turn dangerous. He has already been committing crimes against you. You can call the police at any point when you feel you need that extra protection. If he continues with his abuse, you may also want to look into getting a non-molestation order. The www.ncdv.org.uk/ can help you with that if you give them a call. They can talk you through the process. Based on what you're describing, you have a strong chance of getting such an order. Breaching a non-molestation order is an arrestable offence.

Your task now is to rebuild your life without this abusive relationship dragging you down. You have a bright and beautiful future ahead of you and today is your first step towards it! Onwards and upwards, OP.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/09/2021 09:10

He’s a total cunt and a total bully
This isn’t normal
Please please dump his arse

I’m so angry even reading this

Dery · 15/09/2021 09:10

One key point to remember: men like your ex hate women.

Rangoon · 15/09/2021 09:22

I think my favourite bit is any good woman would have helped him to start a successful business so that he didn’t have to be an “employee” and could work for himself. It's what Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg, and Warren Buffett. etc obviously did. Why would you help him set up a business for him?

MrsOvertonsWindow · 15/09/2021 09:25

Well done OP for getting rid of him. I know you said you feel old - but you're really not and if you can learn from this (and judging by all your responses, that's just what you're doing) you've got a great future ahead of you.

Wishing you all the best.

BigGreen · 15/09/2021 09:25

I loved reading your update, OP! As women we are conditioned to think it's better to be in a relationship. Time to adjust your mindset that being single means FREEDOM to suit yourself and not going running around after that twat. Society will find 1001 different ways to tell you you're not good enough - the key is to ignore that shite, you are valuable just as you are.

frozendaisy · 15/09/2021 09:31

Your birthday is soon, so plan a lovely day/evening.

You are only in your 2nd year uni, enjoy it all now you have time to study uninterrupted and go out with uni folk.

From what I can tell you are young (yes still young), have a sister, mum who are supportive. In 2nd year of uni, new house, work part time to support yourself, will help people out with lifts and shopping should the need arise.

You sound lovely, strong, driven. And you have done all this with that ball and chain trying to drag you down.

But now as the ball and chain has been unshackled think what you could achieve.

Look forward. Don't look back you are not going that way.

Have a great 2nd year at uni.

(Perhaps change your mobile number it really wouldn't take long to tell bank, doctor, uni, landlord).

Poppy298 · 15/09/2021 09:34

@Rangoon he asked me about 5 months into the relationship if I would lend him the money to start a business. I said no. He had no idea about running a business. Over the years instead of saving his own money to start it, he’s spent it on unnecessary things. Now I am to blame because I “shouldn’t have let him waste his money” and I’m to blame for the fact he has to work for someone instead of having his own successful business by now. If I was a “good woman” I would have helped him save his money. Before he made any large purchase I would always say “are you sure it’s a lot of money” but he’d just say yes and buy it so I’m not controlling it’s his money he can do what he wants. But somehow.. still my fault.

OP posts:
Poppy298 · 15/09/2021 09:35

Before I met him my finances were good, now my credit score is shot and I have obliterated any savings I had by helping him out.

OP posts:
exiledfromcornwall · 15/09/2021 09:36

I have read this thread from the beginning, and already OP you are coming across more mature and confident than you did at the start. Well done, onward and upward.

You may be too young to know much about Tina Turner, but she broke away from an abusive partner and became a superstar without him. Just goes to show what can be achieved without these types of men in our lives.

ClawedButler · 15/09/2021 09:51

He's having a toddler tantrum. What a silly spoilt child he is. With very warped ideas about what a "good woman" should do. He simply cannot understand that all he's serving is hot shit and you don't want to eat it.
"Off you fuck, cunty chops, and take your rattle and blankie with you."

JemimaPyjamas · 15/09/2021 09:54

@Poppy298 I have been looking at this thread, on and off, since you first posted and I am delighted to see you have dumped the idiot you were with.

When I was 15 I too was in a relationship that I thought was normal, but was actually quite abusive. He was 22 (I know, I know...) and, being 16, I thought he was super cool as he had his own flat (albeit via social security.) He too didn't like me doing much with my friends, was controlling and could turn in an instant. Not physical but nastily. Crazily, I was with him for a good few years! Madness!

I split up with him in my first year of college, he immediately got nasty (he'd cheated / he knew I'd cheated / I was crap in bed the usual). While he was an arse, it did leave a gap as I was so used to him being there and had also, I realised, neglected to nurture other friendships.

Within a week, and I wasn't looking, I met a wonderful man (I was 18 by then) and we are still very good friends now, even though our relationship fizzled out after 4 years. Being with him made me realise, very quickly, quite how dysfunctional my previous relationship was.

Wishing you all the best xx

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 15/09/2021 09:55

@Poppy298 I read your updates with great satisfaction.
You are young and as a poster said on another thread, if you're a woman and you want it, "it's pretty much wall to wall cock out there" 😂
You will have no issue finding a decent boyfriend who doesn't treat you like a punch bag/PA. Just be careful though because after 5 years with this nob your sense of normal behaviour is likely to be very skewed. Enjoy your freedom, 23 is a great age which you should be able to make the most of with someone fun - or just on your own, pleasing yourself 🥂

Flakjacketon · 15/09/2021 09:57

My DD's ex was of Asian descent and his Mum had done everything for him - so basically brought him up to be entitled. The insults he threw at his DM should have been a red flag.
He obviously expected my DD to replace his Mum . DD put up with it for a few years and even had a DC with him but then started to fight back and the name calling etc started. He too had a cheating ex.
On one occasion DD asked if my DH would help her decorate, so DH assumed that Twunt (not his real name 🤭) didn't know how or lacked confidence. DH said he would help Twunt and show him how. Twunt turned on DH and shouted at him that he did know how to decorate but didn't want to. How DH didn't clump him one I don't know. Dh said, very pointedly, he would do it because he loved his DH and wanted to do it for her - as should you.
Unfortunately their relationship deteriorated until he was arrested for DV.
Be glad that you didn't live with him and be happy - you will be - my DD is.

BraveGoldie · 15/09/2021 09:59

@Poppy298 you are doing awesomely....

The crucial thing is to keep going!

I know you said you don't feel young but oh my goodness you have this fantastic life ahead of you just waiting to be lived. Many women are stuck in abusive relationships their whole lives....I am hoping you now have the impetus not just to escape from this particular abusive twat, but reset your direction so you can be the captain of your own, free life. And use what you have learned to make choices that build your happiness going forward. You are worth yourself and others treating you well. Trust me, you can do anything when you are not weighed down by somebody who leaches yourself life force.

I am happy for you - well done for getting out. Now stay out! And enjoy all the new, rich possibilities awaiting you! 🙂

PicardyRose · 15/09/2021 10:03

I’m pleased you have broken free from him. Now you can rebuild your life, your credit rating and your savings. Look upon it as a learning opportunity (albeit an expensive one) on what types of people to swerve in the future! Don’t beat yourself up about it - he took advantage of your good nature.

You are young and have your life ahead of you. Flowers

As you have realised he is dissing you to everyone he can contact who is connected to you, but you always knew deep down he would.

Flakjacketon · 15/09/2021 10:04

Forgot to say. He also sent abusive harassing texts when they broke up. DD saved the messages (which were actually not as bad as those you have recieved) and reported them - he was 'invited' in for interview by the police and the messages stopped.
It was his complete bemusement that she could consider leaving such a prize as him that caused the harassment but he was ashamed that the police interviewed him.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 15/09/2021 10:17

I'm really glad you've moved on from this relationship! Sounds as if you are doing really well now, though there are bound to be times you feel sad or worried especially if he's been sending you abusive messages or stirring trouble. Just wanted to say, most universities have a student advice service, they can help and give you practical advice for any problems that he's left you with. And universities usually also offer a counselling service who could help you to get over this relationship and recover yourself, so that you can enjoy the rest of your time at university. These services are there for times like these. Flowers

TinnedPotatoesRock · 15/09/2021 10:19

@bembridge11

He is treating you like a maid. You need to lay down a boundary and say NO. If it is getting worse this shows you your boundary isnt clear to him.
RTFT or at least OPs updates
nettie434 · 15/09/2021 10:22

No advice, just want to add my support and admiration for your decision. 23 seems old when you are uni with 18/19 year olds but you are still young and no matter how old we are we still can make tomorrow better than today. You have made a decision which is going to make your life so much better.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 15/09/2021 10:24

As a PP has mentioned, once he perceives the abusive messages are having no effect, the love-bombing will start. This is the hardest form of emotional manipulation to resist.

The abusers' cycle works this way: it's as if somebody gives them a text book to work from. The love-bombing reals you in. Then, when you're hooked, the 'negging' will start. Gradually you'll be on tenterhooks, longing for his approval and going out of your way not to do anything which provokes the fucking maniac.

There is a reason why this behaviour is so effective, and why so many women (it usually is women) find themselves enmeshed before they truly understand what's happened to them. Boiling frog analogy is exactly how it works.

The good news is, that once the scales fall from your eyes and you see it and recognise it for what it is, you can never be fooled by it again. I can now spot a gaslighter a mile away. That tactic will never work on me again, and I find it's used surprisingly commonly, including by workplace managers.

It's so fortunate for you Poppy that you had a lightbulb moment before reaching that point. Many others don't.

To think maybe this is not normal