To think maybe this is not normal

[Poppy298]

Long story short I’ve been noticing things that make me feel my relationship is not right. We have been together a long time but these little things have been getting worse. I don’t know if I’m genuinely to blame or if this isn’t normal.
So for example we don’t live together he asks me to do his food shopping (he works full time and me part time) so I am ok with that but if I can’t do it the day and hour he wants it he goes off on one. Today is another example I said I would drop the food shopping off at his work as he’s finishing earlier but his home and work is 30 min from me and I was going food shopping early so I said I would drop it at his work. He was ok with this. He then asked me to call him a taxi as he is working later now so that he could drop his food at his house and go back to work. I booked one online to be dispatched ASAP and taxis in the area were really busy and it took longer than expected. He then rang me to say it’s all my fault he will be late back to work because I should have waited around to take him back home on his lunch break so he wasn’t relying on taxis. He is now not speaking to me. Another thing is I went to collect him some new release trainers I got to the shop as soon as they opened especially so i got them in time, he then asked me to drive to his work (a further 25 minutes) and drop them off. I said I couldn’t do that and I would drop them off on Sunday (today) which I did. He is now telling me if the size is wrong and it doesn’t fit he wants the money off me for the shoes because all pairs have sold out now and if I’d have dropped them off on the day I bought them it wouldn’t have been a problem. He is so angry when he says all this and insults me at the same time. These are just little examples but they happen every day. I have to apologise all the time but I genuinely don’t think I’ve done wrong?

Op there's another book i haven't read yet but is supposed to be good by Don Hennessy, called "how he gets into her head".

I haven't seen it free like Lundy's book though.

Well done giving him the boot OP.

There will most likely come a point where he will realise his abusive voicemails are not bringing you back (to beg his forgiveness) and at that point he may go the other way and become all loving, sad, promise to change, say how much he loves you, wants a future with you, how much he is suffering without you, and other guilt trips etc etc

This is all part of the manipulation but it's the hardest to resist as it will tug on your heartstrings and you will feel guilty and sad. You will remember all the lovely moments and miss him and wonder if you've done the right thing. You'll be tempted to talk to him to see if he can understand your point of view etc etc and once you're back in contact it's a slippery slope tbh.

This is why it's important to stop listening to his voicemails and limit any contact, so he can't get in your head at all. He will know how to play you and how to push your buttons so protect yourself.

Good luck! Here's to your shiny future with nice fellas who do their own shopping

He'll go lower and lower and lower..

Please tell us he doesn't have 'Personal' photos of you OP... if he does.. and tries to send them to anyone you must report him..

He will use every dirty degrading insult you can imagine and worse.. you are his new project Hate.. he treated you like Shit because he enjoyed it and he benefitted from it.. NOW he will just enjoy humiliating you in whatever way he can..

Be Prepared 🌸

Dear God woman get rid!

I've had a similar experience. I had to take my exs documents to the housing.
I was just about to leave and he says to me 'if you lose them don't bother coming back' which is bad enough to say to someone but it was mine and my kids house, not his!!

@Poppy298

He’s been in touch with my sister via a fake social media profile. I’m not on social media really, caused too much aggro when I was with him so he’s gone for my sister. Saying I’ve cheated on him and he knows who with. I definitely didn’t.. she hasn’t responded.

Don't worry OP the reason you aren't relieved at the moment is because you are still receiving abuse when he's got bored and hooked some other mug the wave of relief and bliss will hit you.

Well done for getting rid but I would log his abuse with the authorities so they are aware.

His ex probably cheated on him because of his abuse and maybe a life line to get rid of him.
When you've been abused for so long it kills your soul.
One day I looked in the mirror and my eyes were dead and I looked like I'd aged being with a abuser takes its toll.

My ex smeared my name (until I'd realised he'd being doing it while we was together) something I'd being scared of until I realised I'd rather have no friends and be free than have fake friends and stay with a abuser.

I laid low until I was certain he was truly gone.

Please stick with it, write all his abuse down over the years and read it to keep you strong and angry.
You will be free soon I promise.

Please don't think you're 'old' I didn't go to university till I was 23 and it was only then that my life actually started! The best is yet to come!

Of all the threads I've read on Mumsnet in the past year, this is literally the worst case of emotional abuse so far.

OP, I want to cry. I can't bear to think that you are wasting your young life, the BEST years of your life, as this man's emotional punch bag.

There is nothing to stop you dumping him today. Please do it. He isn't worth one more second of your precious life.

What an appalling abuser.

Even someone being paid £25k as a PA would have resigned by now.

Please promise us you will get rid, TODAY.

MANY apologies for not reading your update.

We are all here for you.

He will of course be furious that his punchbag has been taken away. Boo fucking hoo.

Rise above it. Block out as much as you can. Tell people why you dumped him and ask them to support your choice.

Well done and good luck.

Four weeks love, four weeks and I can guarantee it will be much much easier.

Do not make contact, block any of his friends or relatives too and ask your family and friends to do the same.

Full cold turkey and it will start to be easier quicker.

Op, it will all get easier.
Men like him are so good at the bait and switch. I'm not sure how they learn these things, but they do. Many many people ( and older than you) fall prey to manipulative people like him.

It's wasted energy feeling bad about putting up with it. Instead, focus on the fact that you learned a very valuable life lesson on how to be treated. Learning this lesson, and learning it well will set you up for the rest of your life.

I’ve just come across your thread and am so glad you’ve got away. Don’t doubt yourself, ever. You sound so principled and an amazing catch. Unlike him.

You are about the same age as he was when you first met and know how much you’ve developed and changed in those 6 years. Could you ever imagine meeting a Fresher, love bombing them for a couple of months, then embarking on a crusade to mould them into your punch bag, slave and ‘chore whore’? (Very apt name unfortunately in this situation).

I hope you manage to stay free from him and get some decent therapy through university. Just imagine how much time you will have for your studies now that you’re not running round after him!

And, everyone struggles with something. It always has to do with self worth, but the form the battle takes can be different for each person: career, relationship with food, personal relationships. It's all the same thing. No one has any right to judge.

No real advice for you but well done for leaving this sorry excuse of a man.

It does get better, I was in a similar relationship in my early 20s. Eventually kicked him to the curb and now in a happy relationship. It will take some time to recover and allow yourself that time. But your life is just beginning now, don't look back.

If he is continuing to send you and your sister messages and nasty voicemails I suggest you contact the police. They will tell him to leave you alone.

Hello lovely, was soo sad to read this. Its obviously going to be hard in the beginning but trust me the feeling is temporary. You'll look back one day and be glad you ended it before it could potentially have become worse! I'd say not to listen to the voicemails as you dont want to get yourself worked up or upset. Let your voicemail become full which will stop any further messages being left. Maybe just change your number for peace of mind so you dont have to worry everytime your phone rings?

We are all here if you ever need anything or to talk ! 💛

Well done op. It'll be hard for a few weeks but you deserve so much better than a life with this abusive little turd.

Man he sounds crazy :S I'd be getting a restraining order against him... I won't lie OP he sounds unhinged and definitely not normal.

Don't worry about the second guessing yourself just always remember that that's completely normal as they drill things into you and lower your self steem for a reason, so you stay with them

I don’t post very often but having been in an abusive relationship myself around your age I recognise everything you describe. You are not at fault abusers can be very manipulative and charismatic. The realisation hit me years later that I wasn’t in love with him, all the drama made me feel so bad I just wanted to fix it so he’d ‘love’ me again. The highs were so high and the lows so low. You are 100% better off without him in your life - don’t look back. Uni will hopefully be a better experience all around without that abuser dragging you down. Also for the people saying how did you get into that situation and they’d never put up with it - it’s a slow, very cleverly crafted, drip. I’d never experienced it before and now I know the signs I wouldn’t fall for it again. Don’t spend time dwelling on why you got sucked in and give him more headspace. Wishing you every success at Uni and enjoy being you.

Anyone can be groomed overtime into coercive control OP. That’s what’s happened to you. Something that started initially into a ‘Is this normal?’ type question has ballooned into a full-blown realisation that this man has been emotionally abusing you since day one. He’s now showing his true colours with these messages. Please never return to him.

Wow Poppy I've just read the whole thread and I think you are amazing. It's been fantastic to read your posts, growing stronger with each post. You've been in a horrid, abusive relationship - but you are free from him now and can see exactly who he is. All credit to you.

Well done Poppy, you are obviously a lovely person. He took advantage of you when you were so young . Please don’t give yourself a hard time, we all make mistakes, we learn and move on.
Focus on the good stuff, even the smallest things; a hot shower, a swim, catching a bus, handing work in on time. Every good small thing, notice it and be thankful, it really will lift you away from all his negativity.
I think you’re brilliant.

You are amazing, Poppy, and you have done just the right thing in getting rid of him.

On a practical note, could you switch off your voicemail for a week or two to stop him leaving messages. Also, you might be able to block withheld numbers. Just a thought. 💐

Its going to be hard for a while because slowly slowly he trained you to put him centre and foremost in all your thoughts and actions, so that you were subconciously thinking 'how will he like it' before you did or said anything, and adjusted your behaviour to try to not upset him.

Its sadly a classic abusers tactic, and shows that you have been controlled. But it will change, although its a hard habit to break, especially as you have spent 5 years doing it. I also imagine that after you broke it off at 19, when you still had a bit of a grasp on 'normal' he probably reined back the obvious, but increased the more subtle abuse.

people seem to think that abuse is obvious, and why dont women leave. If it were so simple that you walked in and they punched you in the face or called you names in the first couple of weeks, then yes. But it isnt like that. and while they crank up the control they gradually chip away at your self confidence so that you look to them as the font of all wisdom. And they excell in isolating you or turning you aaway from those they see as a threat, who might be able to offer some support or perspective.
They are damaged people. They probably are playing out some serious bad issues from their past, which they may be open about to garner sympathy, but they are not doing the work, nor will ever do the work, to fix themselves - because fixing yourself means you have to take personal responsibility, and its always easier for these types to bully or blame other people.

take a look at the Freedom Programme - there is an online version and there are groups - or as others said 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft. it should be essential reading for every woman.

And I second what people say - send one more text, telling him clearly that it is over and to stop messaging or calling or contacting your friends/family or that you will call the police as it is harrassment. You need to put it in writing so you have proof. Most of these guys are cowards, and if a bigger stronger force comes into play they will slink off into the undergrowth. And please do report it if he ignores you - at the moment he still thinks he is the big man, hence the abuse rather than the pleading - he doesnt believe you would call time, let alone the police, and they wont arrest him, so dont worry about that, but they will tell him to back off.

my therapist said I was so busy trying to fire fight the issues all the time that I hadnt the space to step back and see how toxic the relationship is. This is how they operate - keeping your head so busy with their problems that you have no time to think WTF

Just read this whole thread, and well done for getting rid of him.

You will be feeling lost, because you have never been an adult without him. This is a new world for you, so take your time and become yourself again.