To think maybe this is not normal

[Poppy298]

Long story short I’ve been noticing things that make me feel my relationship is not right. We have been together a long time but these little things have been getting worse. I don’t know if I’m genuinely to blame or if this isn’t normal.
So for example we don’t live together he asks me to do his food shopping (he works full time and me part time) so I am ok with that but if I can’t do it the day and hour he wants it he goes off on one. Today is another example I said I would drop the food shopping off at his work as he’s finishing earlier but his home and work is 30 min from me and I was going food shopping early so I said I would drop it at his work. He was ok with this. He then asked me to call him a taxi as he is working later now so that he could drop his food at his house and go back to work. I booked one online to be dispatched ASAP and taxis in the area were really busy and it took longer than expected. He then rang me to say it’s all my fault he will be late back to work because I should have waited around to take him back home on his lunch break so he wasn’t relying on taxis. He is now not speaking to me. Another thing is I went to collect him some new release trainers I got to the shop as soon as they opened especially so i got them in time, he then asked me to drive to his work (a further 25 minutes) and drop them off. I said I couldn’t do that and I would drop them off on Sunday (today) which I did. He is now telling me if the size is wrong and it doesn’t fit he wants the money off me for the shoes because all pairs have sold out now and if I’d have dropped them off on the day I bought them it wouldn’t have been a problem. He is so angry when he says all this and insults me at the same time. These are just little examples but they happen every day. I have to apologise all the time but I genuinely don’t think I’ve done wrong?

"I don’t think anything is wrong with me. I think there are things wrong with him."

I agree there are 1000 things wrong with him. However in relationship psychology it's wel established that many men or women ending up in abusive relationships actually actively choose the type of person that will treat them that way because of underlaying self-image issues. So although I shouldn't have used the word "wrong" I do implore you to consider and work with a psychologist on why you chose this man and accepted his treatment of you as you did. I think you will find that some areas of yourself need a little readjustment or re-education.

@Sydendad the thing is it’s starts off so slowly.. tiny tiny things.. but you’re love bombed at the same time so you put it to one side.. then before you know it you’re with a man who has complete control of you. Your friends tell you your mad, you make excuses and keep going hoping it will get better or you’ll wake up from this nightmare. And you KNOW that ending it will be an absolute hell and you feel like you can’t get away, like there’s no escape.

@Poppy298 I had about 3 weeks of no caller Id phone calls which I didn’t answer.. then the sisters would message me.. I blocked them on everything.. he came to my house once that I know of, so I got a ring doorbell. It has completely stopped now and I’m starting to feel like my old self.. I’m going out with some girlfriends at the weekend and I am looking forward to it.. I would never have been able to do this sort of thing with him.. well I could but it would cause the hugest row or silent treatment. I’m so happy and relived that I am free of him and the unhealthy hold he had over me. He used to say he’d kill him self if I left him.. he hasn’t and that kept me there for so long.. don’t look back.. keep going x

Keep strong @Poppy298 you are doing so so well.

I hope your sister is screenshotting these messages and saving any voicemails.

I do think now may be the time to report to the police though. He is getting more and more unhinged and you need to be protected.

The band Iron Maiden sang a great song called 'Run to the Hills'. I suggest you do likewise

"the thing is it’s starts off so slowly.. tiny tiny things.. but you’re love bombed at the same time so you put it to one side.. then before you know it you’re with a man who has complete control of you."

Some people push back immediately and are assertive and non-accepting of those little things. Others like you are susceptible to this love bombing and don't push back getting little by little pushed into the full control. All I'm saying is work on why you were susceptible and why you didn't push back earlier. Why did you find certain behaviour from him acceptible or accepted it at the detriment of yourself?
I'm very happy to hear though that you have come to the réalisation that you don't "need" his validation or his form of "love" and that you are a very capable women all by yourself. I take my hat off to you for taking the steps you took. I really think you should protect yourself though from this trap in the future.

To cheer you up though, I watched a standup comedy last night by Katherine Ryan. Called: Glitter Room. She takes the piss proper with men and people thinking you need to have a partner to complete or to feel good about yourself. Hilarious while at the same time poignant and making some great points.

@Sydendad I understand where you are coming from and I agree some women/men would straight away recognise this and say no way I’m off! But then there is people like me and I agree maybe I do have a lack of self esteem that made me think I can’t do better than this or I don’t deserve better. But over 5 years he has also drilled those thoughts into me even more so and ground me down. Hence the situation I am in.

I only posted a snippet of the relationship on here but it was obviously much bigger than all of this it’s 5 years long. Started off absolutely amazing I couldn’t believe my luck I’d found someone so amazing, then about 2/3 months in little things started, arguments because I was seeing a girl friend. Not speaking to me because of it. Then 2 days later he “loves me” and acts like it never happened. Even down to little things like insulting my driving. He’d be fine with me before we got in the car, 5 mins down the road if I did something he wouldn’t have done like not overtaken a car. He’d start and say wtf is wrong with you tell me to F off tell me I was stupid how did I even pass my test with my driving.. then he’d get out the car at traffic lights and storm off. But instead of thinking what the f am I doing with this man I thought.. maybe I am a bad driver maybe I should have overtaken that car. It’s just little things like that then when he decided to be ok with me again after a row I’d be almost grateful. I know I sound deluded and I’ve been so blind I admit but it’s not as easy as why didn’t you recognise this was wrong.

Good luck to him in finding a new girlfriend who is going to do all this!
His attitude sucks.
I'm glad you are out. Life is beautiful when surrounded by the right people

Block, ignore and don't look back. You have made a decision and treat it as if it was in the past which means you can not un-do it and can only accept it. It helped me when I was leaving similar relationship but I kept coming back.

Keep imagining a peaceful and calm life without his bullshit and nastines there. You're waking up in the morning being free to do exactly what you want, not what he tells you to do. You could spend your time with whoever you want without feeling guilty, no limits because he feels like imposing them on you! You could do all the things you couldn't for these last 5 years because he didn't like to see you happy. I made a list of these and called it 'How to keep myself happy', you could make it too.
Simple things like deciding what is for dinner, being able to read books in bed, meeting friends for coffee, seeing my family more often, being able to go to bed late without having to listen his moaning for the next 3 days. Simple things you miss doing. The sooner you start, the sooner you forget about him because you will be too busy making your new life. Ask your sister not to tell you anything about him, you aren't interested any more.

Another little thing that helped me was the thought that my parents didn't gave me life and didnt bring me up to be ex's skivvy. They wanted me to have a nice fulfilling life and they would be devastated knowing what he was doing to me.

Good luck! xx

[quote Poppy298]@Sydendad I understand where you are coming from and I agree some women/men would straight away recognise this and say no way I’m off! But then there is people like me and I agree maybe I do have a lack of self esteem that made me think I can’t do better than this or I don’t deserve better. But over 5 years he has also drilled those thoughts into me even more so and ground me down. Hence the situation I am in.

I only posted a snippet of the relationship on here but it was obviously much bigger than all of this it’s 5 years long. Started off absolutely amazing I couldn’t believe my luck I’d found someone so amazing, then about 2/3 months in little things started, arguments because I was seeing a girl friend. Not speaking to me because of it. Then 2 days later he “loves me” and acts like it never happened. Even down to little things like insulting my driving. He’d be fine with me before we got in the car, 5 mins down the road if I did something he wouldn’t have done like not overtaken a car. He’d start and say wtf is wrong with you tell me to F off tell me I was stupid how did I even pass my test with my driving.. then he’d get out the car at traffic lights and storm off. But instead of thinking what the f am I doing with this man I thought.. maybe I am a bad driver maybe I should have overtaken that car. It’s just little things like that then when he decided to be ok with me again after a row I’d be almost grateful. I know I sound deluded and I’ve been so blind I admit but it’s not as easy as why didn’t you recognise this was wrong.[/quote]
I totally understand how this relationship happened.

I was in a relationship with a similar man probably 17 years ago.

He started off with small things like asking me not to see my sister because he thought she was a bad influence.

Then he asked me not to see my mum because she was a bad influence.

I had a baby from a previous relationship and if I ever asked my mum to babysit he would tell me I was a terrible mother and put drinking above my child!

He allowed me 30 mins per week with my mum until he knew I could be trusted. Then he would increase it to 45 mins, 1 hour etc, all with him supervising.

And all the time I went along with this thinking it was normal. Even when he started punching me for going against the rules.

@Poppy298 I have now been with the most amazing and kind and gentle man for the last 13 years. He is my everything. I promise you that there is life beyond these horrendously abusive relationships xx

No, def not normal, usual or healthy. You’ve been with him since you were very young and so haven’t learned what constitutes a healthy relationship. It’s great you are recognising this. Time to move on!

@Pastryapronsucks

The band Iron Maiden sang a great song called 'Run to the Hills'. I suggest you do likewise

Sorry, just rtft and see you have. Hearty congratulations to you. Its going to be a rough ride but you will get through it . Enjoy your wonderful free life

@SeriouslyISuppose

What lack of self-esteem has led you to think that acting as your angry, selfish, entitled boyfriend’s unpaid skivvy is remotely ok?

Ditch him and never jump on anyone else’s command again. Imagine how good it will feel to remove a source of relentless demands and criticism from your life.

This.

Great that you have taken that step and are believing in yourself. Welcome to your happy new life!

What you are saying makes perfect sense and I can understand how this gradually happens. I have had the same thing happen with my wife but the other way around. One moment all lovely dovely the next moment I am absolutely useless and get screamed at and belittled. I accepted it and indeed started to question myself. It took me a while to realise that her behaviour was not normal and to learn to push back. So speaking from my own experience, I went to a psychologist and worked through issues of deep seated self esteem problems originating in my quite troubled past with abandonment at young age, violently abusive adoptive parents and other shitty happenings, coming to the conclusion that I would do anything to keep others happy and avoid violent or agressive confrontation and that this was deeply embedded in my psyche. By working on this i regained self confidence, stopped pleasing everyone and found that actually I have an opinion and I can say: hey! That's not on! Don't you dare treat me like that. And I honestly don't think I would have managed to come to these conclusions or insight without outside help.

@cri

@cricketmum84 This sounds so familiar. About 2 months ago we talked about moving in together. He then proceeded to tell me the “rules”
We move at least 45 mins away from the town we are currently both in. My family cannot visit my home until he is “happy” with them and he says it’s ok. I cannot sneak off to see my family behind his back. I couldn’t quite believe what I was hearing tbh but again he “loved” me and we could be “happy” if I did these things so again I just believed him. I said we will think about it again when we’ve got money saved for a deposit. Only now can I see how scary all those things are and thank GOD! I didn’t do it.

@Sydendad yes I agree I think maybe there are some personal issues I do need to deal with. I do always try to please people and will avoid being honest if I think it will cause upset. The freedom programme has also been mentioned which I’m going to look into. One day at a time.

[quote Poppy298]@cricketmum84 This sounds so familiar. About 2 months ago we talked about moving in together. He then proceeded to tell me the “rules”
We move at least 45 mins away from the town we are currently both in. My family cannot visit my home until he is “happy” with them and he says it’s ok. I cannot sneak off to see my family behind his back. I couldn’t quite believe what I was hearing tbh but again he “loved” me and we could be “happy” if I did these things so again I just believed him. I said we will think about it again when we’ve got money saved for a deposit. Only now can I see how scary all those things are and thank GOD! I didn’t do it.[/quote]
Yep scarily similar! I'm so proud of you for getting away from it.

A couple of weeks after I ended the relationship I walked into the kitchen to find him standing there. God I was scared. I called my sister and her partner in a panic and they were there within minutes to turf him out. I had just put my little one down to sleep.

I changed the locks then. Might be worth you doing that too!

Lol at how these abusers always jump to their ex cheating on them; it could never ever have anything to do with their own selfish abusive behaviour.

The lack of self awareness and of responsibility for their own behaviour is astounding.

That's why they will never change.

[quote Poppy298]@cricketmum84 This sounds so familiar. About 2 months ago we talked about moving in together. He then proceeded to tell me the “rules”
We move at least 45 mins away from the town we are currently both in. My family cannot visit my home until he is “happy” with them and he says it’s ok. I cannot sneak off to see my family behind his back. I couldn’t quite believe what I was hearing tbh but again he “loved” me and we could be “happy” if I did these things so again I just believed him. I said we will think about it again when we’ve got money saved for a deposit. Only now can I see how scary all those things are and thank GOD! I didn’t do it.[/quote]
You poor thing

Awful awful man

Just truly awful

Please value yourself and your dignity xxxxx

[quote Poppy298]@Sydendad yes I agree I think maybe there are some personal issues I do need to deal with. I do always try to please people and will avoid being honest if I think it will cause upset. The freedom programme has also been mentioned which I’m going to look into. One day at a time.[/quote]
Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft is v good too (its about physical abusers but covers the personality types v well ... abuser profiles and myths about abuse sections are esp good.

@SleepingBunnies21 I think someone else recommended that earlier on in the thread. Thank you I’ll have a look.

Yes your very right, one day at a time.
Throughly enjoy your well deserved new found freedom!

Why are you running around doing all this stuff for him ?
It’s absolutely bizarre . Even if you were married for twenty years this is not ok . He’s an adult and should be getting his own groceries , taxis amd shoes . What on earth has you working g part time got to do with it . If you didn’t work at all your STiLL not responsible for his life
Some men will just expect this type of crap because they are men and women should wait on them in their pathetic opinions . Don’t enable that by being a pick me woman

Please read the OP's updates @Lightlady