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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To think maybe this is not normal

681 replies

Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 12:45

Long story short I’ve been noticing things that make me feel my relationship is not right. We have been together a long time but these little things have been getting worse. I don’t know if I’m genuinely to blame or if this isn’t normal.
So for example we don’t live together he asks me to do his food shopping (he works full time and me part time) so I am ok with that but if I can’t do it the day and hour he wants it he goes off on one. Today is another example I said I would drop the food shopping off at his work as he’s finishing earlier but his home and work is 30 min from me and I was going food shopping early so I said I would drop it at his work. He was ok with this. He then asked me to call him a taxi as he is working later now so that he could drop his food at his house and go back to work. I booked one online to be dispatched ASAP and taxis in the area were really busy and it took longer than expected. He then rang me to say it’s all my fault he will be late back to work because I should have waited around to take him back home on his lunch break so he wasn’t relying on taxis. He is now not speaking to me. Another thing is I went to collect him some new release trainers I got to the shop as soon as they opened especially so i got them in time, he then asked me to drive to his work (a further 25 minutes) and drop them off. I said I couldn’t do that and I would drop them off on Sunday (today) which I did. He is now telling me if the size is wrong and it doesn’t fit he wants the money off me for the shoes because all pairs have sold out now and if I’d have dropped them off on the day I bought them it wouldn’t have been a problem. He is so angry when he says all this and insults me at the same time. These are just little examples but they happen every day. I have to apologise all the time but I genuinely don’t think I’ve done wrong?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 14/09/2021 17:28

Listen, feeling 'old' is pretty normal in your situation. You've been carrying a heavy burden blindly for a long time. That burden started out with just one or two little 'demands' by him but gradually he added more and more weight. Now that you're out of the dark (as it were) you're feeling the weight of that burden.

Unfortunately it seems that most of us shed that burden bit by bit. You've already shed the part of it that mentally tells you that you should be running his life for him so although you may not feel it, that burden IS lighter. As the days pass, especially since you have people 'running interference' with his messages & calls, you will shed more and more weight. Your memories will also fade and become less painful. Soon the burden will be gone. Just put your head up, your shoulders straight, and keep walking into your future.

Billybagpuss · 14/09/2021 18:18

OP you asked upthread if you should start a new thread for support, you’re fine in this one but you might be better asking for it to be removed to relationships rather than AIBU.

Poppy298 · 14/09/2021 18:47

@QueenBee52 I’m really struggling to be honest. I keep hearing his words ringing in my head, second guessing myself. I just have to have faith that in time it’ll stop. I feel like I’ve lost the person I used to be in fact I don’t really remember what I was like before him ☹️ I’ve started the gym tonight (swimming) so hoping some distractions like that will help.

OP posts:
Poppy298 · 14/09/2021 18:48

Does anyone know how I move the thread to relationships?

OP posts:
ArabellaScott · 14/09/2021 18:49

Poppy, report your post and ask MN to move it.

Threewheeler1 · 14/09/2021 18:56

Endings and beginnings are so hard. Try not to doubt yourself, you've absolutely done the right thing.
You'll start a new routine and soon it will begin to feel normal. Hang in there, it's a different world on the other side xxx

CharlieBoo · 14/09/2021 19:36

I was pretty much where you are 7 weeks ago.. the first couple of weeks were really hard.. he tried numerous attempts to contact me (through other people) and came to my house to leave a note on my car.. I still think about him everyday.. but the dread isn’t there.. the panic if I’ve not text him back quickly enough.. lying about doing normal things like meeting a friend for coffee (he hated that).. constantly having to boost his ego and listen to him bang on about himself! The tiny tiny nice bits are gone but so is all the awful stuff and that outweighs the good bits.

You will get there. Swimming is a fan idea.. well done you’re doing amazing.. believe in yourself xx

Indigomint · 14/09/2021 19:39

The thing is op , you were a teenager when you met him and you're now a woman. Those years you spent with him were so defined by his wants and needs that you've not really had time to work out what adult you looks like. I can empathise somewhat as I've been there.

Keep doing what you're doing. Pick up old hobbies , perhaps try some new ones. You will work it out. You will be fine and the way you feel is very normal for what you've been through.

Poppy298 · 14/09/2021 19:40

@CharlieBoo thank you so much. You are exactly right. I’d find myself lying about little things that I shouldn’t have had to lie about. Has he stopped trying to contact you? Xx

OP posts:
Georgewontsleepnow · 14/09/2021 20:08

TEAM POPPY!!!!

You have done so well. One of those hero women who refuse to continue being abused even when they feel in love.

Distract yourself! Stay busy. Your sister sounds great. Has uni got much going on that you can throw yourself into?

24 is so young and there is so much potential for you to have adventures and find true, kind, genuine love in a relationship.

Billybagpuss · 14/09/2021 20:17

Well done, swimming is the best hope you have a good workout.

billy1966 · 14/09/2021 20:30

Well done for planning on going to the gym.

Reach out to friends.

Definitely Team Poppy🥳🥳

Poppy298 · 14/09/2021 20:31

He’s been in touch with my sister via a fake social media profile. I’m not on social media really, caused too much aggro when I was with him so he’s gone for my sister. Saying I’ve cheated on him and he knows who with. I definitely didn’t.. she hasn’t responded.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 14/09/2021 20:32

It will get easier one day at a time op

whynotwhatknot · 14/09/2021 20:33

Tell her to block him everytime

lazylinguist · 14/09/2021 20:35

Wow, he sounds worse with every post, OP. Does the idiot think he can poison your sister against you by making stuff up? Ues, het your sister to block him.

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 14/09/2021 20:56

I hope your sister has blocked him and knows to completely ignore him, as well as not telling you about it if he continues in similar vein in future. How relieved you must be feeling to have got away from him, now you can see through him!

mrcow · 14/09/2021 21:00

Isn’t that typical. He really thinks that your sister is going to somehow side against you.

He’s underestimated you. Your strength, your resolve, your family.

Turn your back and ignore. The more you ignore, the smaller he will become.

layladomino · 14/09/2021 21:00

You are brilliant. Well done for breaking free of this vile abusive man.

He's messed with your head so you didn't know which way was up. You started to believe his nonsense. But please be certain you have done absolutely the right thing.

Think about it - your Mum and Sister don't like him and are pleased you've left him. He treated you as a slave. He told you you wouldn't achieve anything with your degree. He thought your degree involved doing nothing all day. He thought your time was worth less than his. He thought you should give up your own time and money to help him and make his life easier.

He's called you mentally ill, a lesbian, bad in bed, a cheat and more just because you broke up with him.

He is not capable of having a healthy loving relationship and there was nothing you could do to change that. You have done the only sensible thing and removed yourself. If you'd stayed with him he wouldn't have magically got better. He would very likely have become worse. And it would have got harder and harder to leave, as your lives became more entwined and he got more and more in to your head.

You've seen the light. You have the support of your Mum and Sister, and some counselling to help you get back on track. You are young, you've got a bright and exciting future ahead of you. Throw yourself at your studies, friends, hobbies etc. Before long you'll not be missing him one bit and you'll be thanking your lucky stars you gave him the boot before you wasted a day more of your life on him. You will emerge from this stronger.

And hopefully you will have learned what you need to learn in order to avoid this type of person in future. Don't ever forget that a healthy relationship involves 2 equals, with mutual respect, support, care, encouragement, interest in each other, sharing the workload, sharing the worries, looking after each other. You deserve that and only that. And in the meantime much much better to be happily single.

You were far too good for him. He knows it. He'll fight for a bit to get you back (although calling someone all those names isn't the most intelligent move!) but only because he knows he's lost someone much better than he'll ever be, and he's lost his slave who made his life so much easier. Forget all about him. He doesn't deserve a moment's thought.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/09/2021 21:03

@Poppy298

He’s been in touch with my sister via a fake social media profile. I’m not on social media really, caused too much aggro when I was with him so he’s gone for my sister. Saying I’ve cheated on him and he knows who with. I definitely didn’t.. she hasn’t responded.
Tell her not to respond and to block him.

If it happens again or if you find he's messaging everyone you know it may be time to contact the police to see if he's legally crossed the line into harassment and if they can 'pay him a call'. Of course, that is absolutely your decision!

Pegsonstrings · 14/09/2021 21:03

Just wanted to say that you are amazing.

Don’t cave in. You got this SmileFlowers

RampantIvy · 14/09/2021 21:05

Given the latest update I think you really should report him to the police @Poppy298.

Make sure your sister keeps screenshots of all his messages.

And please stay safe.

SarahBellam · 14/09/2021 21:09

He’s panicking now because he knows he’s going to have to get off his weapons grade lazy, entitled, arse and do his own jobs. It doesn’t matter what he calls you now. Don’t reply, don’t respond - all he needs to see is a chink of weakness and he’ll be through it trying to wear you down. Block block block. You’re magnificent and you did a brave and incredible thing. Your sister sounds ace and you have her to help you through these rocky seas to the best time of your life.

Howshouldibehave · 14/09/2021 21:17

What a horrible man. Does he know that your sister/family hate him, @Poppy298?!

TicTac80 · 14/09/2021 21:21

Just checking in and I hope you’re doing ok today @Poppy298. Hope he’s stopped contacting you x

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