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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To think maybe this is not normal

681 replies

Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 12:45

Long story short I’ve been noticing things that make me feel my relationship is not right. We have been together a long time but these little things have been getting worse. I don’t know if I’m genuinely to blame or if this isn’t normal.
So for example we don’t live together he asks me to do his food shopping (he works full time and me part time) so I am ok with that but if I can’t do it the day and hour he wants it he goes off on one. Today is another example I said I would drop the food shopping off at his work as he’s finishing earlier but his home and work is 30 min from me and I was going food shopping early so I said I would drop it at his work. He was ok with this. He then asked me to call him a taxi as he is working later now so that he could drop his food at his house and go back to work. I booked one online to be dispatched ASAP and taxis in the area were really busy and it took longer than expected. He then rang me to say it’s all my fault he will be late back to work because I should have waited around to take him back home on his lunch break so he wasn’t relying on taxis. He is now not speaking to me. Another thing is I went to collect him some new release trainers I got to the shop as soon as they opened especially so i got them in time, he then asked me to drive to his work (a further 25 minutes) and drop them off. I said I couldn’t do that and I would drop them off on Sunday (today) which I did. He is now telling me if the size is wrong and it doesn’t fit he wants the money off me for the shoes because all pairs have sold out now and if I’d have dropped them off on the day I bought them it wouldn’t have been a problem. He is so angry when he says all this and insults me at the same time. These are just little examples but they happen every day. I have to apologise all the time but I genuinely don’t think I’ve done wrong?

OP posts:
NewlyGranny · 14/09/2021 09:45

A racist, mentally ill, a lesbian... The bingo card isn't full until he's called you frigid, surely? Or at least said you were useless in bed? Did he miss that module when he was in Abuser Academy? They'll be recalling his certificate for that.

NewlyGranny · 14/09/2021 09:55

And as billy says, if you really were all that, why is he pursuing you? He should be glad to see the back of you!

But please read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" because it will help immunise you against future evil viruses disguised as men.

And now he's dumped and you don't see him, please don't let him live rent-free in your head by looking at his messages. Save them as evidence without reading them. Get a trusted friend or, better still, family member to check for escalation or threats so you know whether and when to alert the police. Can you make believe you're a drug dealer and get a second phone, even a PAYG, so you don't have to see messages popping up and can give your phone to the police as evidence of need be? If you do it now, you can have all your contacts safely stored. Don't give a new number to anyone remotely connected to him or it's all to do again.

What you feel for him is more habit than live, honestly, and it will fade. The heart always lags behind the head but it will catch up. You won't always feel as wretched as this, I promise, as long as you sever all contact.

And I'd change all PINs and passwords, too. He might know enough to hack your accounts, banking or SM.

Poppy298 · 14/09/2021 10:24

@NewlyGranny

A racist, mentally ill, a lesbian... The bingo card isn't full until he's called you frigid, surely? Or at least said you were useless in bed? Did he miss that module when he was in Abuser Academy? They'll be recalling his certificate for that.
Useless in bed ✅
OP posts:
Poppy298 · 14/09/2021 10:28

He struggles to even operate his own online banking let alone mine he always used to ask me to handle it. But I’ve changed my details just in case. Phone number wise I really don’t want to change just because everywhere has it doctors banks etc. But it may become necessary. My sister said she will listen to and read the messages if I want her to just to see if there is any threats in there and I’ve asked her not to tell me what they say, my mum is just glad I have seen sense really. Just wish I could fast forward to the part where I don’t think about him anymore.

OP posts:
ArabellaScott · 14/09/2021 10:37

Poppy, that will come. You just have to hold tight and keep safe for now.

In my experience, it's like very, very slowly waking up from a very long bad dream. It doesn't happen instantly. Abusive relationships don't usually start off that way; it's a gradual process of an abuser grooming you (I'm sorry if this language seems upsetting, I can't think of another way to put it) until you are half brainwashed. Recovery takes time. Be kind to yourself, and take good care.

Indigomint · 14/09/2021 13:33

It'll take time to recover Poppy , he's been verbally abusing you for years , unfortunately it isn't possible to walk away from that without feeling fragile for a while.
Be kind and patient with yourself.

Threewheeler1 · 14/09/2021 14:16

You can weather this tough bit Poppy because it's your life now, liberated from dragging around this absolute millstone of a bloke.
Don't berate yourself for not getting out sooner - when you're knee-deep in it recognising what's 'normal' is impossible, especially after years of being belittled.
I think you sound fantastic - like someone who has taken control.
Consider him gone and focus on you. I'm excited for you - you are young and free! Flowers

marieantoinehairnet · 14/09/2021 14:26

Bin him off, Jesus, are you his mother?!

He's a full functioning adult who can sort himself out, he's odd snd you are for putting up with it

kaleidoscopeheartless · 14/09/2021 14:35

@marieantoinehairnet someone didn't read the thread 🙄

NewlyGranny · 14/09/2021 14:40

They really are 100% predictable, Poppy - and 100% sh*t. 🤨

marieantoinehairnet · 14/09/2021 14:43

[quote kaleidoscopeheartless]@marieantoinehairnet someone didn't read the thread 🙄[/quote]
No need to read the whole thing, he's odd and she's better off without

Poppy298 · 14/09/2021 14:48

@marieantoinehairnet

Bin him off, Jesus, are you his mother?!

He's a full functioning adult who can sort himself out, he's odd snd you are for putting up with it

Thanks for saying I’m “odd”. I don’t think I’m odd I think I’ve been extremely naive and wasn’t aware of how abusive my relationship actually was
OP posts:
Poppy298 · 14/09/2021 14:49

You are all so supportive I can’t thank you all enough for helping me

OP posts:
purpleboy · 14/09/2021 14:51

Well done you for getting away from this toad, and shame on posters berating you. Piss off and leave op alone she needs our support not criticism.

MLMbotsno · 14/09/2021 15:06

Dump him.
Block him.
Never look back.
Value yourself.
You are not this lazy prat's run-around.

Move on.

Threewheeler1 · 14/09/2021 15:08

Poppy, there's always time to support a young woman getting rid of a horrible, useless wanker! Took me a decade of absolute gits to find a decent bloke but by then I actually knew what that looked like Grin
You will be just fine! x

Sydendad · 14/09/2021 15:22

Something is wrong?
Everything is wrong!
You should not do the shopping for a grown up.
You should not run errands for a grown up.
You should not take any shit about the favours you are doing him.
This is unbelievable to read that a grown women in 2021 is still catering to a guys every Wim like this and on top of that lets herself be insulted instead of thanked.
What is wrong with you? Huge self esteem issue and a completely warped idea of what a relationship is or what your value as a woman is. You are valuable, relevant, and worthy of much more than this leach you call your boyfriend. Please find professional help to deal with your self worth.

Wildheartsease · 14/09/2021 15:27

So his 'come back to me' lines are: ' you are racist, mentally ill, lesbian and bad in bed' ? Does he really expect any of that to work?
He is going to be alone a while!

Well done for escaping him and carefully ignoring all his messages.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/09/2021 15:28

Poppy you will be fine now. Plan something extra nice for your birthday.
His abusive texts are a complete joke and take great satisfaction that he’s reeling that you took control and DUMPED his sorry ar** .
Think of it like giving up smoking, your Health gets better every day. You have more time and spare cash. Your sister sounds great by the way!

Lunde · 14/09/2021 15:29

@Sydendad

Something is wrong? Everything is wrong! You should not do the shopping for a grown up. You should not run errands for a grown up. You should not take any shit about the favours you are doing him. This is unbelievable to read that a grown women in 2021 is still catering to a guys every Wim like this and on top of that lets herself be insulted instead of thanked. What is wrong with you? Huge self esteem issue and a completely warped idea of what a relationship is or what your value as a woman is. You are valuable, relevant, and worthy of much more than this leach you call your boyfriend. Please find professional help to deal with your self worth.
Perhaps read the thread before commenting - if you had you would have known that OP has ended the relationship so why berate her now?

For those posters that cannot be bothered to read the full thread perhaps try to read OPs posts - at the bottom of the first post on very thread there is the handy "see all" link where you can just see all the OPs thread posts

QueenBee52 · 14/09/2021 16:43

@Sydendad

Something is wrong? Everything is wrong! You should not do the shopping for a grown up. You should not run errands for a grown up. You should not take any shit about the favours you are doing him. This is unbelievable to read that a grown women in 2021 is still catering to a guys every Wim like this and on top of that lets herself be insulted instead of thanked. What is wrong with you? Huge self esteem issue and a completely warped idea of what a relationship is or what your value as a woman is. You are valuable, relevant, and worthy of much more than this leach you call your boyfriend. Please find professional help to deal with your self worth.

🙄

Poppy298 · 14/09/2021 16:48

@Sydendad

Something is wrong? Everything is wrong! You should not do the shopping for a grown up. You should not run errands for a grown up. You should not take any shit about the favours you are doing him. This is unbelievable to read that a grown women in 2021 is still catering to a guys every Wim like this and on top of that lets herself be insulted instead of thanked. What is wrong with you? Huge self esteem issue and a completely warped idea of what a relationship is or what your value as a woman is. You are valuable, relevant, and worthy of much more than this leach you call your boyfriend. Please find professional help to deal with your self worth.
I don’t think anything is wrong with me. I think there are things wrong with him.
OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 14/09/2021 17:23

@Sydendad

Something is wrong? Everything is wrong! You should not do the shopping for a grown up. You should not run errands for a grown up. You should not take any shit about the favours you are doing him. This is unbelievable to read that a grown women in 2021 is still catering to a guys every Wim like this and on top of that lets herself be insulted instead of thanked. What is wrong with you? Huge self esteem issue and a completely warped idea of what a relationship is or what your value as a woman is. You are valuable, relevant, and worthy of much more than this leach you call your boyfriend. Please find professional help to deal with your self worth.
RTFT. She’s ended it so why are you having a go ? Come to think of it, why are you having a go anyway ? The OP doesn’t have a warped idea of anything - she is a young woman and was a young girl when this self centred man-child started to manipulate her until, by her own admission, she came to do things his way. She hasn’t known anything else and she came on to MN for help and support, which she’s mostly had. Until your post. And why are you suggesting she needs professional help with her ‘self esteem’ issues ? Her self esteem will be just fine now that she’s away from the man who was controlling her every move.
Blossomtoes · 14/09/2021 17:24

@Sydendad

Something is wrong? Everything is wrong! You should not do the shopping for a grown up. You should not run errands for a grown up. You should not take any shit about the favours you are doing him. This is unbelievable to read that a grown women in 2021 is still catering to a guys every Wim like this and on top of that lets herself be insulted instead of thanked. What is wrong with you? Huge self esteem issue and a completely warped idea of what a relationship is or what your value as a woman is. You are valuable, relevant, and worthy of much more than this leach you call your boyfriend. Please find professional help to deal with your self worth.
Ffs 🙄
QueenBee52 · 14/09/2021 17:27

How are you doing OP.. these early days can be very tough 🌸

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