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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To think maybe this is not normal

681 replies

Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 12:45

Long story short I’ve been noticing things that make me feel my relationship is not right. We have been together a long time but these little things have been getting worse. I don’t know if I’m genuinely to blame or if this isn’t normal.
So for example we don’t live together he asks me to do his food shopping (he works full time and me part time) so I am ok with that but if I can’t do it the day and hour he wants it he goes off on one. Today is another example I said I would drop the food shopping off at his work as he’s finishing earlier but his home and work is 30 min from me and I was going food shopping early so I said I would drop it at his work. He was ok with this. He then asked me to call him a taxi as he is working later now so that he could drop his food at his house and go back to work. I booked one online to be dispatched ASAP and taxis in the area were really busy and it took longer than expected. He then rang me to say it’s all my fault he will be late back to work because I should have waited around to take him back home on his lunch break so he wasn’t relying on taxis. He is now not speaking to me. Another thing is I went to collect him some new release trainers I got to the shop as soon as they opened especially so i got them in time, he then asked me to drive to his work (a further 25 minutes) and drop them off. I said I couldn’t do that and I would drop them off on Sunday (today) which I did. He is now telling me if the size is wrong and it doesn’t fit he wants the money off me for the shoes because all pairs have sold out now and if I’d have dropped them off on the day I bought them it wouldn’t have been a problem. He is so angry when he says all this and insults me at the same time. These are just little examples but they happen every day. I have to apologise all the time but I genuinely don’t think I’ve done wrong?

OP posts:
Indigomint · 13/09/2021 14:12

You really are doing so well @Poppy298

Please log his behaviour with the police , when they visit you , play them those messages. Make sure all of your family and friends are fully aware of what he's doing to you , and get your phone number changed!

He will get bored eventually. He'll yell , then he'll beg. He may even threaten to kill himself...but he will soon realise that you're not going back. It took my abusive ex approximately 3 months to find a new gf (after telling me I was 'the one' for over a decade) , trust me , these types can't be alone for long.

Keep safe and well done for all you've achieved so far.

Herecomesthesun70 · 13/09/2021 14:55

Just wanted to comment on your post about you love him.
If he loved you he wouldn't have been an absolute tool to you.
You love people because they are lovely people and you love how they treat you and how they make you feel.
Think about how he makes you feel.
You don't love him. Daffodil

PossiblyPertunia · 13/09/2021 14:58

I'm so proud of you!

Sciurus83 · 13/09/2021 15:09

You're doing so well Flowers I was in an abusive relationship when I was your age at uni, it took a long time to get over. I wish I'd known about the Women's Aid Freedom program back then, it sounds like you could benefit from it. You're doing all the right things, I am so happy for you! Onwards to live your life, happiness and freedom

Sciurus83 · 13/09/2021 15:13

Oh yes I second the poster above, prepare yourself he will be with someone else very soon. It's what men like that do, and it might hurt. But you are so so much better off, proud of you, stay strong

QueenBee52 · 13/09/2021 15:25

@Sciurus83

Oh yes I second the poster above, prepare yourself he will be with someone else very soon. It's what men like that do, and it might hurt. But you are so so much better off, proud of you, stay strong

Yip... it'll be sunshine and lollipops until she tells him to do his own fucking shopping... DICK 🤣

Wildheartsease · 13/09/2021 18:00

Glad to hear the uni is helping and that you have found the messages on here helpful.

He is in the past now.
Perhaps regard him as part of your education ... but look forwards to much better teaching ahead.

Keep a note to yourself on hand: 'Not all frogs are princes, some are 100% solid frog and even your kisses aren't going to improve them!'

TempName01 · 13/09/2021 18:15

You are doing amazing, please don’t be tempted to take him back. The next tactic will be crying and threatening suicide, how he has realised he can’t live without you etc etc

milcal · 13/09/2021 18:28

Well done. You've been very brave to leave him. You'll be happier now and can enjoy your life.

As others have said, phone the police and report the abusive messages and don't answer the door to him.

WallaceinAnderland · 13/09/2021 18:37

You're doing great. Please listen to all the wise posters here. Not a single one thinks you should go back to him.

And get that new phone number asap!

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 13/09/2021 18:51

I agree with a PP that it's important you should tell people: your family, friends, university staff and yes, even the police if he doesn't knock it off PDQ.

Should this escalate into stalking you need as much sunlight on it as possible. I have extensive experience of this horribly invasive crime (lucky me, eh?), as I've been at the receiving end twice. On the first occasion I was a little younger than you are now, and no one had even invented the term 'stalking' yet. Certainly the police didn't take it seriously (they still don't take it seriously enough, but it was even worse then). Document everything. And whatever you do, don't pick up those calls. If you do, you've just taught him he has to leave days' worth of abusive messages in order to get you to answer, and he will ramp it up. What you need to give him back is precisely nothing, until he gets tired of arguing with a machine.

Don't protect this abuser with your silence. The more people who know what you're experiencing, the more they'll be able to look out for your welfare.

The above insight is hard-earned. I've suffered at the hands of these kinds of soul-sucking vampires more than once. Not all of them were partners, either, just pathetic little men with an axe to grind against women or who can't or won't take 'No' for an answer. This 'man' has shown you exactly who he is, and he's irrefutably one of these people. I can promise you, they don't change. Remember this if your resolve ever starts to waver (and keep posting here; the good women of MN will help you bolster it if necessary.)

I applaud your strength. Be vigilant. Flowers

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 13/09/2021 18:53

PS. Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear is recommended. It's a little dated now, and some of the advice it gives I find problematic in relation to victims. But this little book is a valuable survival manual for women.

CoronaPeroni · 13/09/2021 19:02

Another one here saying don't respond, you've done well so far. Keep busy and keep family and friends informed. Good luck with the counsellor.

CaveMum · 13/09/2021 19:06

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

PS. Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear is recommended. It's a little dated now, and some of the advice it gives I find problematic in relation to victims. But this little book is a valuable survival manual for women.
Second this, it’s an excellent book about learning to trust your gut instinct.

As I mentioned earlier in the thread definitely take a look at Laura Richards’ work on coercive control and abusive relationships - www.laurarichards.co.uk/is-your-partner-coercively-controlling-you/

CityMumma78 · 13/09/2021 19:40

Wow what have I just read?!?!?!
You are his unpaid servant. Find some confidence and self worth and end this disaster of a relationship immediately. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Good luck.

chaosmaker · 13/09/2021 19:58

@Poppy298 really glad you ended it with him as he sounds like he was escalating. Great you have organised counselling. Take care and keep safe :)

StrangeLookingParasite · 14/09/2021 01:24

God, listen to this idiot. Thé only reasons you could have for not thinking he's all that and a bag of chips is because you're either a lesbian or mentally ill? Hé certainly has an unwarrantedly high opinion of himself, doesn't he?

Twaaaaaaaaaat.

Poppy298 · 14/09/2021 07:55

Thanks everyone. It’s really hard I knew he wouldn’t go quietly. Should I start a new thread or continue posting here? 😬

OP posts:
Poppy298 · 14/09/2021 07:56

@StrangeLookingParasite

God, listen to this idiot. Thé only reasons you could have for not thinking he's all that and a bag of chips is because you're either a lesbian or mentally ill? Hé certainly has an unwarrantedly high opinion of himself, doesn't he?

Twaaaaaaaaaat.

Yes apparently I must be one of those things!
OP posts:
Cam001 · 14/09/2021 08:10

Just continue posting here Poppy, and stay strong lovely. You're younger than my daughters and I'm feeling very protective towards you right now. You have a bright future ahead of you without this awful selfish man who wouldn't know what love is if his life depended on it.

Poppy298 · 14/09/2021 08:22

To add to the list of things I’m now also apparently a racist too which is why I don’t want him. I know this is going to sound so stupid but I’m 24 in a weeks time and I don’t feel young, maybe he’s aged me so much mentally with stress I don’t know 🥴

OP posts:
ChinstrapBobblehat · 14/09/2021 08:23

Stay on this thread for now, OP. People who are following will keep checking in and you’re ok for up to 1000 messages before you need to restart.

Well done on keeping your resolve. He’ll try other tactics beyond the vile insults in order to wear you down and get you back under his control. Brace yourself for the switch to crying, begging, flowers etc. Or, as other posters have said, the quick transition to a new woman, which will undoubtedly hurt.

Stay angry. Stay strong. It’ll take a few months at least to fully move on from this, but every day you stick to your guns is a day closer to the life you deserve, free from the toxic influence of this utter fucker of a man child.

We’re all cheering for you!

RampantIvy · 14/09/2021 08:45

If anything he is doing a good job of helping you realise that leaving him was the best decision you ever made.

Cam001 · 14/09/2021 09:24

So you're a racist, mentally ill, closet lesbian now 😅. His attempt at winning you back is certainly a bold one!

billy1966 · 14/09/2021 09:39

A racist, mentally ill, lesbian?🙄

He's had a lucky escape then, hasn't he?🙄

Twat.🙄

Well done OP,
Stay strong and accept any support offered by family, friends, and the university.

You are so young but you are weary.

You wil get your bounce back.

Keep posting.Flowers

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