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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To think maybe this is not normal

681 replies

Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 12:45

Long story short I’ve been noticing things that make me feel my relationship is not right. We have been together a long time but these little things have been getting worse. I don’t know if I’m genuinely to blame or if this isn’t normal.
So for example we don’t live together he asks me to do his food shopping (he works full time and me part time) so I am ok with that but if I can’t do it the day and hour he wants it he goes off on one. Today is another example I said I would drop the food shopping off at his work as he’s finishing earlier but his home and work is 30 min from me and I was going food shopping early so I said I would drop it at his work. He was ok with this. He then asked me to call him a taxi as he is working later now so that he could drop his food at his house and go back to work. I booked one online to be dispatched ASAP and taxis in the area were really busy and it took longer than expected. He then rang me to say it’s all my fault he will be late back to work because I should have waited around to take him back home on his lunch break so he wasn’t relying on taxis. He is now not speaking to me. Another thing is I went to collect him some new release trainers I got to the shop as soon as they opened especially so i got them in time, he then asked me to drive to his work (a further 25 minutes) and drop them off. I said I couldn’t do that and I would drop them off on Sunday (today) which I did. He is now telling me if the size is wrong and it doesn’t fit he wants the money off me for the shoes because all pairs have sold out now and if I’d have dropped them off on the day I bought them it wouldn’t have been a problem. He is so angry when he says all this and insults me at the same time. These are just little examples but they happen every day. I have to apologise all the time but I genuinely don’t think I’ve done wrong?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 13/09/2021 08:31

OP I'd change your phone number.

Life is too short to be abused by a twat. Your at uni - you have the world at your feet.

Boonlark · 13/09/2021 08:33

@Poppy298

His latest voicemail said I need mental help because I’m clearly mentally ill… he’s never said this before so god only knows what he’s thinking.

I’m going to stop listening to them now but will keep them all incase.

. I think you need to send him one final message saying something along the lines of:

Stop messaging me, and don't try to contact me in any way.

Then if he carries on, you may need to get a non molestation order against him

Droite · 13/09/2021 08:41

I ended it once when I was 19 albeit for a few weeks at most and he told everyone and anyone he could about how bad a person I was.

If someone I knew insisted on telling me how bad their girlfriend of 5 years was, I wouldn't believe him. It's just not consistent with staying with her for 5 years being so angry that she's dumped him.

OP, stop listening to those calls (but save them) and enjoy your first full day of freedom. Is it worth swapping to a new phone number?

felulageller · 13/09/2021 08:43

Well done!

Now phone the police and report the abusive messages.

You shouldn't let him get away with that- it's a crime and if the police know at least the next girlfriend could use Claire's law to see what he's like.

Then change your phone number.

Bluntness100 · 13/09/2021 08:44

@Poppy298

His latest voicemail said I need mental help because I’m clearly mentally ill… he’s never said this before so god only knows what he’s thinking.

I’m going to stop listening to them now but will keep them all incase.

That’s bad but not unexpected. He’s a wanker, your family was right. It was nothing to do with star struck lovers being held apart. You’re no Romeo and Juliet, they were trying to look out for you ans protect you. Sometimes when we are in it we can’t see it.

It seems like you’ve grown up now and you can see it. And that’s something to be proud of.

billy1966 · 13/09/2021 08:51

Great idea to speak to your University welfare office.

Please tell them the unvarnished truth, that is that you have broken up with a highly abusive man.

Do not hesitate to contact the police.

Nasty little bullies like him can be very quickly put in their place by having the police turn up at work, believe me.

It softens their cough VERY quickly, to have a light shone on THEIR behaviour.

Flowers
TatianaBis · 13/09/2021 08:55

OP you really need to change your phone number.

Download the audio of the current messages in case this escalates, then change the number.

You really need your family right now, they may not judge you as you think, they will just be delighted you’ve seen be light.

KirstenBlest · 13/09/2021 08:56

@Poppy298

His latest voicemail said I need mental help because I’m clearly mentally ill… he’s never said this before so god only knows what he’s thinking.

I’m going to stop listening to them now but will keep them all incase.

This is to be expected. It couldn't possibly be him. Ignore the arsehole.

Block him.

minimecantrollerskate · 13/09/2021 09:19

OP, just keep this at the front of your mind - THIS IS NOT LOVE, THIS IS NOT CARE

What is has been is coercive control, abuse, and nasty behaviour.

Now you have escaped, he is harassing you because he has nobody to be his servant now.

Stand firm, do not reply to anything, but do keep a record in case you need to report it to the police. Hopefully he will give up when he realises that you are never going back.

Billybagpuss · 13/09/2021 09:33

@Poppy298

His latest voicemail said I need mental help because I’m clearly mentally ill… he’s never said this before so god only knows what he’s thinking.

I’m going to stop listening to them now but will keep them all incase.

This could well ramp up to threatening self harm or worse, it is a form of control and you must call the police if it happens. He is very unlikely to actually do anything, but this is not on you 💐
DGFB · 13/09/2021 09:38

I also agree with telling your university and the police. Just so they have a record in case he does this to other women/threatens you further

CaveMum · 13/09/2021 10:25

Do you have a friend that can listen to the messages for you? That way someone is checking them to make sure any threats are picked up on but you don’t have to put yourself through listening to his rants.

Definitely tell your welfare officer what has happened and don’t be afraid to talk to your friends and family - they will want to support you.

lazylinguist · 13/09/2021 10:33

His latest voicemail said I need mental help because I’m clearly mentally ill… he’s never said this before so god only knows what he’s thinking.

What he's thinking is that attack is the best form of defence. Defence against the idea that you would dare leave him. Defence against the idea that you left him because something's wrong with him, not you. Anyone who leaves a man who treats them like a slave and an inferior must have mental problems, obviously Hmm. He is the one with problems.

GrumpyTerrier · 13/09/2021 10:33

Oh so you are mentally ill because you dumped him? Sure.

He is going to try to bully and manipulate you into coming back to him. He doesnt want to lose his skivvy. My advice is never to contact him again- don't respond, don't listen to the voicemails, nothing.. While you are still upset over the breakup, you'll be vulnerable to his control tactics.

You'll be surprised by how quickly you get over it.

Your life is about to get so much better, well done!

thelastgoldeneagle · 13/09/2021 10:33

Well done, op, you've made the right decision. You are strong, you can do this!

You might find it helpful to do the Freedom Programme, so you can spot signs of abuse in future relationships and raise your boundaries.

CuckooCall · 13/09/2021 10:50

I was in a relationship at your age with someone who abused me. It was a gradual drip drip drip of control that happened in such small steps that I didn't realise how much control he had taken from me until one day I realised that I literally couldn't do anything I wanted to without facing backlash from him- usually in the form of nasty words and silent treatment for days or weeks at a time. My family all saw what was going on and tried to speak to me but I always defended him because I loved him and didn't want to see what they saw. For every ten awful ways he treated me, I would focus on the one way he'd been nice to me. I was in a complete haze of confusion and denial, and couldn't see the light at all.

And then one day, 5 years in, the haze suddenly cleared after I spoke to a man on a night out. I never chatted to men on night's out but this guy had a really kind face, he wasn't sleazy or rude, and he seemed genuinely interested in what I was saying. I felt seen for the first time in a long time and it made me realise that my partner was just absolute scum and I deserved so much more. It also made me realise that there were good men out there and I didn't have to settle for an arsehole. So I ended my relationship with him a few days later (much to everyone's relief) and I've never looked back since.

It took me a good 6 months to work through my issues surrounding my ex, and it was hard at times as I really wanted to cave in and text him, and he kept leaving my voicemails crying that he wanted me back, but I stayed strong and finally broke that hold he had over me. And you can do the same, OP. You deserve so much more than what this prick can give you. He will make your life an absolute misery if you give him another chance. Don't waste your precious time on someone who isn't worthy of you.

Rannva · 13/09/2021 10:55

“So for example we don’t live together he asks me to do his food shopping (he works full time and me part time) so I am ok with that but if I can’t do it the day and hour he wants it he goes off on one”

That’s a servant, not a girlfriend.

“He then asked me to call him a taxi as he is working later”

Servant.

You’ve ended up in a situation where a man is taking advantage of you, taking your money, making you do his chores. You’re a slave.

After ending this situation, you need to consider seeing a therapist to ensure you don’t get taken advantage of again.

Rannva · 13/09/2021 10:57

@Poppy298

He did try to sabotage my studies to be honest last year by accusing me of “meeting men” in the library toilets 🤣🤣🤣 now I look back this is honestly so funny the shit I have listened to. That came about because I didn’t answer the phone because I was trying to do some work.

I think I will genuinely need to take some time to figure out why I thought this was ok and to stop be getting into another relationship like this.

This is great to see :)

I think the Freedom Project offer a free course.

JonahofArk · 13/09/2021 11:04

Honestly you should unblock him and send a single message telling him to stop harassing you or you will call the police and screenshot the message once it's read. Then block him again and wait to see what happens. If he contacts you again then follow through and report him.

Original poster
Poppy298 · 13/09/2021 11:06

@CuckooCall

I was in a relationship at your age with someone who abused me. It was a gradual drip drip drip of control that happened in such small steps that I didn't realise how much control he had taken from me until one day I realised that I literally couldn't do anything I wanted to without facing backlash from him- usually in the form of nasty words and silent treatment for days or weeks at a time. My family all saw what was going on and tried to speak to me but I always defended him because I loved him and didn't want to see what they saw. For every ten awful ways he treated me, I would focus on the one way he'd been nice to me. I was in a complete haze of confusion and denial, and couldn't see the light at all.

And then one day, 5 years in, the haze suddenly cleared after I spoke to a man on a night out. I never chatted to men on night's out but this guy had a really kind face, he wasn't sleazy or rude, and he seemed genuinely interested in what I was saying. I felt seen for the first time in a long time and it made me realise that my partner was just absolute scum and I deserved so much more. It also made me realise that there were good men out there and I didn't have to settle for an arsehole. So I ended my relationship with him a few days later (much to everyone's relief) and I've never looked back since.

It took me a good 6 months to work through my issues surrounding my ex, and it was hard at times as I really wanted to cave in and text him, and he kept leaving my voicemails crying that he wanted me back, but I stayed strong and finally broke that hold he had over me. And you can do the same, OP. You deserve so much more than what this prick can give you. He will make your life an absolute misery if you give him another chance. Don't waste your precious time on someone who isn't worthy of you.

Exactly this. Yesterday when I came on here I think I’d just reached breaking point especially with the taxi incident that was completely out of my control but yet somehow still my fault.

Now you mention that I honestly can’t think of anything I could do really without facing backlash from him about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppy298 · 13/09/2021 11:08

@Rannva

“So for example we don’t live together he asks me to do his food shopping (he works full time and me part time) so I am ok with that but if I can’t do it the day and hour he wants it he goes off on one”

That’s a servant, not a girlfriend.

“He then asked me to call him a taxi as he is working later”

Servant.

You’ve ended up in a situation where a man is taking advantage of you, taking your money, making you do his chores. You’re a slave.

After ending this situation, you need to consider seeing a therapist to ensure you don’t get taken advantage of again.

Yes he was out of work for a while and I financially supported him but he took the p*ss. But he convinced me that’s just what a loving girlfriend does if her boyfriend is out of work and struggling 🤷🏻‍♀️ So basically I’ve been his cash machine and slave. If I don’t laugh I’ll cry. Spoke to someone at uni and they have referred me to the counselling service so that’s good.
OP posts:
belinda789 · 13/09/2021 11:11

@Poppy298
We are all feeling totally outraged at what he has put you through. What you ought to be feeling now is red hot INDIGNATION at his temerity. Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Feel anger……….

QueenBee52 · 13/09/2021 11:24

He is running you into the gutter because that's what he really thinks of you... how dare you challenge his behaviour of you... how dare you question anything ... and how dare you end this...,

change your number asap 🌸

chilling19 · 13/09/2021 11:55

Glad the uni will help OP. go forward and be happy. x

rainbowstardrops · 13/09/2021 14:00

Just something to make you all laugh, his last voicemail said you’ve clearly turned lesbian I always knew you were a dirty fnny licker 🤣🤣 I am absolutely not that way inclined, I like men but this just shows his mindset. If I don’t want him I must be lesbian?? 😂

Honestly love, you're well rid! What a twat!