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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To think maybe this is not normal

681 replies

Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 12:45

Long story short I’ve been noticing things that make me feel my relationship is not right. We have been together a long time but these little things have been getting worse. I don’t know if I’m genuinely to blame or if this isn’t normal.
So for example we don’t live together he asks me to do his food shopping (he works full time and me part time) so I am ok with that but if I can’t do it the day and hour he wants it he goes off on one. Today is another example I said I would drop the food shopping off at his work as he’s finishing earlier but his home and work is 30 min from me and I was going food shopping early so I said I would drop it at his work. He was ok with this. He then asked me to call him a taxi as he is working later now so that he could drop his food at his house and go back to work. I booked one online to be dispatched ASAP and taxis in the area were really busy and it took longer than expected. He then rang me to say it’s all my fault he will be late back to work because I should have waited around to take him back home on his lunch break so he wasn’t relying on taxis. He is now not speaking to me. Another thing is I went to collect him some new release trainers I got to the shop as soon as they opened especially so i got them in time, he then asked me to drive to his work (a further 25 minutes) and drop them off. I said I couldn’t do that and I would drop them off on Sunday (today) which I did. He is now telling me if the size is wrong and it doesn’t fit he wants the money off me for the shoes because all pairs have sold out now and if I’d have dropped them off on the day I bought them it wouldn’t have been a problem. He is so angry when he says all this and insults me at the same time. These are just little examples but they happen every day. I have to apologise all the time but I genuinely don’t think I’ve done wrong?

OP posts:
Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 23:26

Thank you @blacksax ❤️ I did already know deep down, I just needed to hear it from strangers as weird as that sounds. I stopped listening to family and friends as he made me believe they just didn’t want me to be with him for other reasons.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 12/09/2021 23:44

Hand over the receipt for the trainers tell him to take them back h8mself

Walk away and block

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 12/09/2021 23:50

I’d be tempted to shred the receipt. Or eat it.

MzHz · 13/09/2021 00:03

Were all so proud of you @Poppy298

You. Chose. You.

Well done

BathMatToe · 13/09/2021 00:07

@Poppy298

Thank you *@blacksax* ❤️ I did already know deep down, I just needed to hear it from strangers as weird as that sounds. I stopped listening to family and friends as he made me believe they just didn’t want me to be with him for other reasons.
I'm glad. You're so young. No more wasted time running after that horrible person.
lemmein · 13/09/2021 00:32

Aww Poppy, this is the best thread I've read in a long while - so satisfying to hear you find your voice and tell him to fuck right off. You deserve better; you're young and have so many opportunities ahead of you, stay strong and don't look back.

On your down days - I always tell my daughters if they're feeling sad that it's just an emotion, allow yourself to feel it, ride it out, but it will 100% pass. Even if you miss him, that's fine, expected even - he's just a habit you're used to, acknowledge your feelings then let them go.

Enjoy being 23 - throw yourself into uni, get pissed with your mates, dance your little legs off 💃 Contrary to the popular saying, life is actually too long to spend with a wanker.

I genuinely am smiling reading your thread - all the best to you WineWine

Lalliella · 13/09/2021 00:38

Well done OP. Stay strong and firm and keep away from him. And enjoy the rest of your life.

Snugglybuggly · 13/09/2021 01:01

LTB

Cocomarine · 13/09/2021 01:11

@Snugglybuggly

LTB
(Non) Reader, she did 😉
CuntyMcBollocks · 13/09/2021 03:30

@Poppy298 I just read tft and I'm so glad that you found the strength to walk away. What an absolute cock he is. This is the beginning of your new life, so go and enjoy it. Save the abusive messages just in case you need proof of harassment, and stay strong. You go girl!!

Lilyx18 · 13/09/2021 03:54

When you meet somebody who treats you how you're supposed to be treated, you'll look back on this relationship and think WHY did I waste my time putting up with him. You're 23 so have plenty of life ahead of you, don't waste it with him you will regret it eventually. Well done for wising up to his behaviour, hope you realise your worth soon x

Marshmallow91 · 13/09/2021 04:28

Well done sweetheart! So glad you dropped this dead weight. It'll hurt for the next few days. I bet anything he'll start phoning with the "but I love you I was wrong" but you MUST STAY STRONG. You've got this.

Just think how wonderful your life is going to be from now on without that twat in it 💙

Holskey · 13/09/2021 04:37

Please never go back. You can be so much happier so don't waste time.

ArabellaScott · 13/09/2021 07:36

@Theimpossiblegirl

Please screen shot or keep messages. If he carries on, you have evidence of harassment. Stay safe and keep away from him, he sounds unstable.
This. I'm so glad you're out of the relationship OP, but please do take care. It can be a dangerous time leaving an abuser- and this man is an obvious abuser.

Anyway, happy Monday.

Today is a bright new day and you have the rest of your life to enjoy!

Poppy298 · 13/09/2021 07:44

Hi everyone. Not going to lie I’ve woken up this morning with all sorts of sad thoughts and feelings. Yet more voicemails. I’m going to speak to uni today and see if they can refer me to speak with someone. As great as my family is I just feel like they are too involved with me to speak to them about this without judgement. Thankfully I have no ties to him like you’ve all said but it’s going to take me a while to get out of his way of thinking I think.

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 13/09/2021 07:47

He was never going to let go easily, he’s become too reliant on you. Someone up thread suggested the freedom programme which may help as well as contacting the uni.

Stay strong.

cricketmum84 · 13/09/2021 07:51

Well done on breaking away! You knew really that his behaviour wasn't normal. He's just an overgrown abusive child.

Stay strong, definitely look into the freedom programme and contact the police if he doesn't start leaving you alone!

This is the first day of your new happy life. Enjoy it!

RampantIvy · 13/09/2021 07:56

He's throwing his toys out of the pram because he realises that he now has to do everything for himself.

If he truly loved you he wouldn't be hurling abuse at you.

Remember this when you waver.

NotSure94 · 13/09/2021 08:11

You're right to observe that you've been in that way of thinking for so long it's a wrench to change but honestly I promise you this isn't a decision you're likely to regret. I have no idea why he thinks you'd want to stay with him when he demonstrates so much hate towards you.

The future is much much brighter OP - hang in there.

Poppy298 · 13/09/2021 08:13

His latest voicemail said I need mental help because I’m clearly mentally ill… he’s never said this before so god only knows what he’s thinking.

I’m going to stop listening to them now but will keep them all incase.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 13/09/2021 08:14

I’m sorry you’re struggling. The truth is he won’t let you go easily. Why would he, he’s going to find it very difficult to find someone else who would put up with this shit and do all these skivvy things and let them abuse them at the same time. And he knows it.

Don’t go back op. I promise you, you will get back to a happy self and get over this and meet someone good who doesn’t treat you like shit and bully you.

You can go on and have a happy life, a brilliant fun one full of love. Don’t make a choice to live a life like he’s trying to make you.

cricketmum84 · 13/09/2021 08:17

@Poppy298

His latest voicemail said I need mental help because I’m clearly mentally ill… he’s never said this before so god only knows what he’s thinking.

I’m going to stop listening to them now but will keep them all incase.

He is panicking because he knows he won't be able to charm someone else into being a doormat for him.

Don't listen to the voicemails and yea definitely keep them.

Just be careful, he sounds like a right piece of work!

babouchette · 13/09/2021 08:23

Do be careful OP. He sounds unhinged and abusive and he will no doubt try and confront you in person soon. Make sure you're staying safe and dont answer the door to him. I would say he could be quite dangerous.

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 13/09/2021 08:29

@Poppy298 - look after yourself, please take care. I hope you have plenty to do at uni to distract you from thinking about him. Join some clubs (pandemic permitting) you maybe didn't in your first year because he was scornful, so you're doing different things from in your past with him. Please don't go back to him, you deserve so much better than him. I would second changing your phone number, if it's practical for you to do this. Good luck, the nest of vipers is behind you!

chilling19 · 13/09/2021 08:31

Hi poppy - contact your uni welfare department and make an appointment to see someone - tell them you are being stalked by an ex partner. They will talk you through your options. Well done fir getting out if this abusive relationship and enjoy the rest of your time at uni. 👍