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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To think maybe this is not normal

681 replies

Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 12:45

Long story short I’ve been noticing things that make me feel my relationship is not right. We have been together a long time but these little things have been getting worse. I don’t know if I’m genuinely to blame or if this isn’t normal.
So for example we don’t live together he asks me to do his food shopping (he works full time and me part time) so I am ok with that but if I can’t do it the day and hour he wants it he goes off on one. Today is another example I said I would drop the food shopping off at his work as he’s finishing earlier but his home and work is 30 min from me and I was going food shopping early so I said I would drop it at his work. He was ok with this. He then asked me to call him a taxi as he is working later now so that he could drop his food at his house and go back to work. I booked one online to be dispatched ASAP and taxis in the area were really busy and it took longer than expected. He then rang me to say it’s all my fault he will be late back to work because I should have waited around to take him back home on his lunch break so he wasn’t relying on taxis. He is now not speaking to me. Another thing is I went to collect him some new release trainers I got to the shop as soon as they opened especially so i got them in time, he then asked me to drive to his work (a further 25 minutes) and drop them off. I said I couldn’t do that and I would drop them off on Sunday (today) which I did. He is now telling me if the size is wrong and it doesn’t fit he wants the money off me for the shoes because all pairs have sold out now and if I’d have dropped them off on the day I bought them it wouldn’t have been a problem. He is so angry when he says all this and insults me at the same time. These are just little examples but they happen every day. I have to apologise all the time but I genuinely don’t think I’ve done wrong?

OP posts:
NovemberRain2 · 12/09/2021 22:05

Good for you OP. Very pleased to read this. You are young and have a very bright future ahead of you as long as you stay firm and don't allow this cretin back into your life.

Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 22:31

Thanks everyone. Ngl it’s pretty worrying how he’s going to be in reaction to this in the days and weeks to come.

Just something to make you all laugh, his last voicemail said you’ve clearly turned lesbian I always knew you were a dirty f*nny licker 🤣🤣 I am absolutely not that way inclined, I like men but this just shows his mindset. If I don’t want him I must be lesbian?? 😂

OP posts:
Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 22:32

Yes I think I came here for confirmation of my thinking more than the genuine question is this normal. Think I needed to hear people’s thoughts to make it all make sense

OP posts:
Graphista · 12/09/2021 22:33

As I said, get a new number. Contact your provider and advise you've just left an abusive partner and need to change your number. They should sort this for you quick smart.

No point dealing with those nasty voicemails or being tempted to communicate with him at all. You've no connection to him in any way now.

Cut him right out of your life and get family and friends on board with supporting you and helping you stay strong.

I would notify the uni also as if he cannot contact you direct he may try via them, work too so they have a heads up as I can see this guy phoning trying to cause you trouble.

Get him in his box!

LondonSouth28 · 12/09/2021 22:34

You're not starting over. It's only just beginning. Run (in those wrong sized trainers) as far as you can from him - don't look back x

Theimpossiblegirl · 12/09/2021 22:34

Please screen shot or keep messages. If he carries on, you have evidence of harassment. Stay safe and keep away from him, he sounds unstable.

FirewomanSam · 12/09/2021 22:34

Well done OP! You are riding a high right now and you need to prepare for an inevitable crash at some point. If you wake up tomorrow morning and start to doubt yourself then that’s totally normal but please don’t second guess your decision, you have done 100% the right thing.

If he’s anything like my ex you will soon be hearing about how he didn’t realise it was such a big deal for you to help him out, that he thought you liked helping him, that he would have done anything for you if you’d asked him, that he thought you were a team and you helped each other out… blah blah blah. Don’t listen, it’s all bullshit. Couples in healthy relationships help each other out because they want to and because they care about each other, not because one partner feels entitled to have a free housekeeper and PA on tap and gets angry if their every wish isn’t met.

I wasted my entire 20s with mine before I figured this out. You have done so much better than me and you are going to have a great life ahead of you!

TubeOfSmarties · 12/09/2021 22:37

This isn't a relationship. You're his unpaid skivvy. Be grateful you don't live with him. makes getting rid nice and easy,

whatever1980 · 12/09/2021 22:37

What an absolute charmer he is Confused. That's exactly what you want in a partner - someone who treats you like a skivvy and hurls insults at you. You said he was good looking - remember looks fade!

lazylinguist · 12/09/2021 22:38

Wow - he's showing his true colours now, isn't he? What a nutcase!

Charbead49 · 12/09/2021 22:39

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Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 22:40

Thankfully I had a gut feeling that if we ever split he would phone my work and tarnish my name. So I never told him the name of the company (it’s only a small firm and a fairly new job at that) he asked me a couple of times and I just brushed it off and changed subject. Thank fuck I didn’t tell him 🙄

OP posts:
Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 22:42

@Charbead49

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.
As I said further up I had already worked all this out really and have been thinking these things for months. I just came on here to see people’s thoughts without judging me. Yes he made me feel so bad I felt like I was in the wrong, coming on here and hearing hundreds of people tell me I’m not has confirmed those little voices in the back of my mind telling me this is not ok.
OP posts:
TubeOfSmarties · 12/09/2021 22:43

Oh, now i've read the rest of the thread. Well done you. And his reaction just proves ending this situation was the right thing. Well done, and think of all the fun things you can do with your time now you're not his personal shopper. Good luck x

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 12/09/2021 22:44

I’m glad you decided not to work your notice. Wink

Let him build up his outrage. He will need to fire himself up to go looking for a pair of fancy trainers that will fit.

Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 22:46

Thanks everyone who has been supportive and so kind. This is going to be really tough l know and I won’t lie I am heartbroken because I do truly love him, but I’m not as stupid as he thinks and I CAN make a life for myself. There is more to life than this xX

OP posts:
billy1966 · 12/09/2021 22:50

Keep those awful texts and voice mails.

If he harasses you they will be useful to show the police.

He sounds like absolute scum.

Please take @Graphista advice and see if you can get some counselling to understand why you have accepted such shocking treatment by this waster.

He sounds highly abusive.

Also have a look at the Freedom programme that you can do online.
It just might help you find answers.

You sound lovely and deserve so much better.

Keep posting.Flowers

maddening · 12/09/2021 22:53

Excellent news, keep hold of those messages and any time you feel weak have a listen to what.a horrible man he is, remind yourself why you rid yourself of the prick.

altiara · 12/09/2021 22:53

So happy for you Poppy, you are strong and young. Get ready to enjoy life and one day meet an equal partner Star

Cam001 · 12/09/2021 23:04

It's not love, it's codependency.

To think maybe this is not normal
RampantIvy · 12/09/2021 23:05

@Poppy298 you don't love who he is now. You love who he was when you first went out with him. You are mourning what he was. It is only natural. It won't take long for that love to turn to deep dislike, especially if he keeps bombarding you with abusive messages. He is showing his true colours now.

Stay strong Flowers

whatever1980 · 12/09/2021 23:05

Even if you're heartbroken you'll know that this truly broken and there's no going back now. He wouldn't change and you'd just be sat there looking at him going - you're just a twat and this isn't normal. Been there and got the T-shirt

BathMatToe · 12/09/2021 23:10

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blacksax · 12/09/2021 23:20

@Charbead49

Is this for real? I haven't read all the answers but it's seems crazy that you haven't noticed that someone who is supposed to like you makes you feel really bad but it only takes a few posts on here to realise how awful that is?
The OP has already said that she knew things weren't right. Trouble is, when you are with an abuser they grind you down so much, you lose faith in your own ability to make decisions. Hence this thread, so the OP could get independent confirmation.
Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 23:21

Just in case there’s anyone out there thinking you sound crazy how could you not see this. I did notice hence why I have posted on here. Today’s events were an example not the only time, and not the first time I’m noticing it either.

OP posts: