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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it me?

127 replies

Sonaftersonafterson · 12/09/2021 10:14

Morning everyone, new here and first post but I've been reading for years and some of the advice on here has helped a lot. So I wanted some opinions on my new relationship please. I dont know what to think or if I'm being silly. Divorced last year, 3 kids. I have dated a bit... but it's not gone well and maybe I'm jaded with this guy but I'm about to call it off.

Met 6 weeks ago. Both divorced and wanting a nice, easy relationship nothing heavy except respect. Both got kids. Hes been great, in touch every day, sex is considerate and fun, hes intelligent and sweet. Lately though, he is taking hours to reply to me. His excuse being he is preoccupied. He is quite straight in the way he talks, but started to open up yesterday and so I took the opportunity to tell him that our last little rendezvous was so much fun, how I loved that there was no awkwardness, how it felt natural and was so sexy. Sent at 5pm. Read. Ignored. I felt a bit silly. Waited until 11pm, his bed time, to see if a response was coming or even a goodnight. Nope. So I messaged him saying "no reply to that!? Sorry if I freaked you out, I was just saying I think were a good fit'.
He replied saying "nah you didnt freak me out. I'll tell you if you don't

I was pretty taken aback. I expected "no course not! I feel the same!". I thought my message was nice, he had been talking that day about wanting to be with me and I thought we were all good.

Meant to be meeting Wednesday and I want to cancel. I feel stupid. I was really expressive and he was just flat. Everything else is good.... would you feel the same? Convo leading up to my message was a bit sexy / flirty from him so I thought my message was in line. He made me feel like a pervy creep!!

OP posts:
cestunestilo · 12/09/2021 10:16

Odd - log it and see how it goes - three strikes though and he's out .

Sonaftersonafterson · 12/09/2021 10:18

*meant to read he said "nah you didnt freak me out. If you do, I'll just say".

OP posts:
Rainbowpurple · 12/09/2021 10:21

Playing hot and cold?

Sonaftersonafterson · 12/09/2021 10:23

He doesnt seem the type to play games...

It just seemed rude. Almost assuming that at some point I will freak him out! I've given no indication of that.

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 12/09/2021 10:28

Maybe he had stuff going on or was busy etc? Or he was a bit freaked but doesn't want to say?
Tbh it's not something I would immediately write him off over, just keep an eye.

Freeloadingtosser · 12/09/2021 10:33

Have you both defined what you're actually looking for, if you've both said you wants something 'nice and easy, not heavy' or words to that effect as in your OP, maybe he translates that as more FWB? That would be different expectations to if you were looking for something starting out quite light but hoping to build to a real relationship in time. If he is expecting more of a FWB set up then it would be appropriate to drop the communication at busy times, and to not reciprocate your message.

If not, and you're both looking for a relationship then it was pretty tactless not to say 'thanks, I'm really enjoying spending time with you too', even if after 6 weeks he's not at the expressive message stage. Maybe your gut is telling you hes pulling away so perhaps keep an eye on things are feeling on an ongoing basis, not how good the first few weeks were.

Sonaftersonafterson · 12/09/2021 10:48

Yeah my gut is telling me something. Best not to ignore it but I'm confused. Last time we met he was talking about how "lovely" and "intense" it was etc. So, to ignore my message saying similar was hurtful and I didnt see it coming. No response at all was harsh. I would never do that! He wasnt busy, he was chilling at home, he told me.

I've cancelled the date next week. Had enough of half hearted men. Didnt tell him why, kept it breezy seeing as that's how he seems to want to play this.

OP posts:
Restinblue · 12/09/2021 10:53

Yes it sounds like he’s backed off after your message. I understand why you would be a bit confused.

SimoneSimone · 12/09/2021 11:00

He is cooling off.

Sonaftersonafterson · 12/09/2021 11:00

So weird! He has replied saying what a big shame that is, how he was so looking forward to it, how he has cleared his diary to make sure we have time together !!!

What a headfuck.

OP posts:
Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 12/09/2021 11:06

He was probably enjoying his evening.

Sometimes I didn't text DH back for a few days while dating. Nothing to do with not liking him. I was just getting on with life. Same with him.
Some people prefer life in the real world. Some people prefer life via technology.

If you need to be with someone who will text you back within a certain time frame then tell him that. And good luck.

Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 12/09/2021 11:11

@Sonaftersonafterson

So weird! He has replied saying what a big shame that is, how he was so looking forward to it, how he has cleared his diary to make sure we have time together !!!

What a headfuck.

It's only a head fuck because you're making it one. Not him!

He didn't text you back quick enough so you've cancelled the date. And now you think it's weird that he's disappointed. Of course he's disappointed, you said it was going really well. He just been dumped. He has no idea why and the actual reason is because he hadn't text you back.

You're the head fuck.

Sonaftersonafterson · 12/09/2021 11:24

Maybe it is me. It wasn't that he didn't text back fast enough! It's that we were having a nice chat, I sent that message and then radio silence. Conversation ended. Normally wouldn't mind... but it was a weird one to ignore and leave me hanging on

Not the actions of someone hugely interested

OP posts:
mickeysminnie · 12/09/2021 11:32

You've known him 6 weeks. You don't have any idea yet what 'type' he is.

Iwantcauliflowercheese · 12/09/2021 11:56

Is he OLD? Probably on a date and keeping his options open. Sorry to be blunt.

JustAnother0ldMan · 12/09/2021 13:08

@Sonaftersonafterson

So weird! He has replied saying what a big shame that is, how he was so looking forward to it, how he has cleared his diary to make sure we have time together !!!

What a headfuck.

So he didn’t reply to your message in a timely manner and you have cancelled your next date ? Maybe he’s just not so into messaging and sending instant replies ?
Sonaftersonafterson · 12/09/2021 13:43

Urgh. Not helpful and cant be bothered to repeat myself again.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 12/09/2021 13:54

It is weird that he hadn't responded. I'd just be honest and tell him the reason that you cancelled. You've got nothing to lose and at least you'll know one way or another how he actually feels.

ravenmum · 12/09/2021 14:13

we were having a nice chat, I sent that message and then radio silence. Conversation ended
From his POV it might have gone more like:
We exchanged a few messages then I started cooking dinner/went in the shower/went out jogging. I saw another message had come in, so I looked at it and she was making another nice comment. Didn't write back as I was cooking/wet/jogging, then I left my phone on the side and forgot all about it/started watching a film/called my mate/didn't realise I was expected to react to every statement she made. At 11, when I was in bed with my eyes falling shut, she asked if she'd freaked me out, so I reassured her that she hadn't and turned off the light.

JustAnother0ldMan · 12/09/2021 14:30

@ravenmum

we were having a nice chat, I sent that message and then radio silence. Conversation ended From his POV it might have gone more like: We exchanged a few messages then I started cooking dinner/went in the shower/went out jogging. I saw another message had come in, so I looked at it and she was making another nice comment. Didn't write back as I was cooking/wet/jogging, then I left my phone on the side and forgot all about it/started watching a film/called my mate/didn't realise I was expected to react to every statement she made. At 11, when I was in bed with my eyes falling shut, she asked if she'd freaked me out, so I reassured her that she hadn't and turned off the light.
… and then she canned the next date and dumped me !

Sorry OP, but I think you have jumped the gun a bit TBH, and are now upset because he says he is disappointed.

Yummypumpkin · 12/09/2021 14:33

3 days without a text? Not good enough.

For all you know, that text but a spring in his step and made his heart beat faster.

Now you've blown it all up!

How about you tell him clearly...FYI I have a thing about replying to texts. If you want to be with me, don't leave me on read.

Now you've blown it up, it's harder. Call him. Spell out what you need. He doesn't sound a bad guy, he just doesn't know.

Rainbowpurple · 12/09/2021 14:55

Weird one but think you will need some more time to figure out what type person he is... Whether he is really blowing hot and cold or not. However how he came back to the lovely text you sent was awkward. I would not like that at all.

Sonaftersonafterson · 12/09/2021 15:26

@Rainbowpurple him not replying WAS awkward, thank you! If my message had been the usual type we send, chatty, swapping music, general hows your day type stuff and he left me on read , wouldn't bother me. In fact, hes done it many times and that's completely fine. It was just this message. I felt it warranted a little response.... nothing major... but an acknowledgement maybe? Even if he didnt feel the same. To ignore it made me feel like a twat. He has since messaged again asking if we can do another date, but to be honest I'm in two minds. He seems so emotionally intelligent, how could he not see that not replying to me on that would likely make me feel awkward? Kind of killed the buzz.

OP posts:
traintraveller · 12/09/2021 15:40

It doesn't seem like he is playing games. However you cancelling a date because he took too long to respond to your text with a reply that you don't think is good enough is definitely game playing.

Yummypumpkin · 12/09/2021 15:41

It's up to you. Given we are all flawed, it seems a minor one.