Is it me?

[Sonaftersonafterson]

Morning everyone, new here and first post but I've been reading for years and some of the advice on here has helped a lot. So I wanted some opinions on my new relationship please. I dont know what to think or if I'm being silly. Divorced last year, 3 kids. I have dated a bit... but it's not gone well and maybe I'm jaded with this guy but I'm about to call it off.

Met 6 weeks ago. Both divorced and wanting a nice, easy relationship nothing heavy except respect. Both got kids. Hes been great, in touch every day, sex is considerate and fun, hes intelligent and sweet. Lately though, he is taking hours to reply to me. His excuse being he is preoccupied. He is quite straight in the way he talks, but started to open up yesterday and so I took the opportunity to tell him that our last little rendezvous was so much fun, how I loved that there was no awkwardness, how it felt natural and was so sexy. Sent at 5pm. Read. Ignored. I felt a bit silly. Waited until 11pm, his bed time, to see if a response was coming or even a goodnight. Nope. So I messaged him saying "no reply to that!? Sorry if I freaked you out, I was just saying I think were a good fit'.
He replied saying "nah you didnt freak me out. I'll tell you if you don't

I was pretty taken aback. I expected "no course not! I feel the same!". I thought my message was nice, he had been talking that day about wanting to be with me and I thought we were all good.

Meant to be meeting Wednesday and I want to cancel. I feel stupid. I was really expressive and he was just flat. Everything else is good.... would you feel the same? Convo leading up to my message was a bit sexy / flirty from him so I thought my message was in line. He made me feel like a pervy creep!!

@Sonaftersonafterson

Maybe spoke too soon. I keep bouncing back but then we message and he seems so.... blah. He suggested Thursday, I replied that it would be lovely and let me know location. All I got back from him was "I'm easy".

I just keep thinking oh fuck off. "I'm easy". Bear in mind I've suggested location on all of our other dates too. Makes me think, he doesnt really give a shit. I replied literally a minute after his "I'm easy" message and yet he hasn't even read it yet.

Deep breaths. Perhaps you’re not ready for this? I think he’s being perfectly normal tbh & you’re looking for reasons to blow up and end it either to get a rom com type response or to truly end it.

Either way, this should be the fun time and not this dramatic. Not that he knows it’s dramatic hah!

OP is far too intense and emotional

Direct us to the rulebook that tells us how intense and emotional we're supposed to be. Self acceptance will help OP to calm down, not self control. Emotions aren't crazy things that need to be controlled and kept in line. They are signposts from our core, they tell us where we need to be and to not be. It's when you try to control them that they get wild.

OP's behaviour may not be as she wants it, but that doesn't mean she needs to change or control the way she feels.

Excuse me, but self-control and self-acceptance are not mutually exclusive...

He has replied saying what a big shame that is, how he was so looking forward to it, how he has cleared his diary to make sure we have time together
I've said next week is out, blamed kids and work... but that the week after could work and left it there.
He has messaged again saying he could do a different night and to please let him know. I've not replied
He's definitely a bit baffled by my behaviour... I can sense it, so I've said yes to his suggestion of a date Thursday night.
I replied that it would be lovely and let me know location. All I got back from him was "I'm easy".

As you say, sounds like he's baffled and worried that you might be withdrawing, without understanding why. So he''s trying not to put too much pressure on you by dictating where and when you meet. He tentatively offered a date, while emphasising that he'll do ANY date, and is leaving the location up to you so as not to be too pushy and scare you off.

You've been blowing hot and cold, not replying and cancelling without explanation: before you open yourself up to accusations of being the weird one, it might be a good time to either give him the benefit of the doubt or let the poor guy off the hook. Either say "Actually this isn't working for me, byeee" or "I'll trust your choice of location, just let me know when and where".

To be honest, though, I'm afraid you might have spoilt the vibe.

@thefoundations
I agree. Emotions come from the core. They need to be listened to as they are there to protect us.

Op, you know instinctively if it’s right and when to be wary.

If it was me, given that it’s only been 6 weeks, I’d probably hold back a bit and then make a judgement on him.

@FlowerArranger

Excuse me, but self-control and self-acceptance are not mutually exclusive...

Nobody said they were.

If you do control and not acceptance, you make things worse for yourself. Accept the emotions, control the behaviours, and recognise the difference.

The OP knows that she acted on impulse, on the spur of the monent, without thinking things through. Next day she woke up with regret. She further said that this is something of a pattern of behaviour which has repeatedly caused her grief.

Again: She has to learn self-control, to be able to sit with her emotions and reflect, before deciding about the best course of action in any given situation.

Oh god. I just dont know what way to turn.

I AM extremely emotional, over sensitive to rejection, hot headed and at times, bratty. But I'm 43! I accepted it years ago and although I have a lot of awareness, i still find my core responses impossible to ignore.

I guess, in a nutshell, i want him to be excited! Send me nice messages, tell me hes thinking of me. I guess I'm asking too much or asking the wrong person.

He replied last night simply with a list of 4 areas that would work for him. Again, very factual, no excitement or flirting. It feels flat.

I've not even replied and as a PP said, I've probably spoilt the vibe now anyway

I'd imagine he doesn't want to come across as desperate or excessively keen, considering that you're now not acting at all keen yourself. It would be embarrassing. If you gave him a sign that it was OK for him to be excited, he might act less reserved.

@ravenmum

I've given him those signs. More than once! And got such blah responses that IM the one who feels embarrassed.

Think I'm done. Since friday, it's been bad vibes for me and I've ignored this shit before with other guys and its ended up being the reason it all falls apart anyway, but I just waste more time by continuing to "try".

Hes a good guy, a good catch for someone who is so laid back they are horizontal in life. I need passion, excitement, flirting, banter.... I need these things. They make me happy. Hes not providing them and I dont know why, as he was the one who chased me from the start.

What a load of bollocks this all is.

He's probably getting bored with all the game playing. I know I would be.

You'd have been delighted by my lovebombing ex - it is fun, I know, but it's not for everyone; this guy is what he is, and if you don't like it, clear the way for the next candidate!

i still find my core responses impossible to ignore

Ignoring what's happening in your core is what causes your unwanted behaviour. We all have a bratty child inside. If you turn your back on the bratty child and say 'I'm not listening to you, shut up, I don't want to hear your voice again about this!', that child will have a tantrum.

Don't mix your feelings up with your behaviours. When the bratty child inside says 'I don't like this feeling', don't tell it to shut up: ask it why it doesn't like it. Ask it what it feels like. Ask it what it needs. None of this involves any 'behaviour'. Nobody but you knows when this is happening. This is how you soothe yourself: you listen, and you try to understand.

So, in this situation, your bratty child is telling you that she feels rejected. She's probably saying stuff like 'I'm really SPECIAL, and I wanted him to say I'm AMAZING and that he's really EXCITED about me, and all he's done is a BORING! OLD! TEXT!!!!'

The basic emotional situation here is that at your core, you feel rejected. It doesn't mean that he's done anything wrong, and it doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong. You are both simply being who you are.

6 weeks in, you are very much vetting someone and looking for compatibility, or places where you lack compatibility. It's not 'Have I done it right' or 'Has he done it right', it's 'Do I feel good around him?' It's less a task of 'controlling ourselves' and more a task of choosing to be with people/in situations that don't cause us to feel out of control.

Are you 'extremely emotional, over sensitive to rejection, hot headed and at times, bratty' with your closest friend? I bet you're not, or not much, anyway. We choose our friends because they're easy for us to be around and communicate with clearly; choose your partner using the same metric.

Have you looked into/worked on the reasons why you act like this in your romantic relationships OP? Is it "the usual" story of it reflecting your relationship with your parent(s)?

Hes not providing them and I dont know why, as he was the one who chased me from the start.
What a load of bollocks this all is

Take off your 'victim' hat. You're dating. You will reject everybody you date except one person. It's not a personal tragedy; it's a successful filter.

Asking 'why does he do that' is a waste of your time. People are weird. They do weird stuff all the time, and even those we know super well are sometimes unfathomable. Just look at what they do, and how it makes you feel. The 'why's don't matter.

[quote Sonaftersonafterson]@ravenmum

I've given him those signs. More than once! And got such blah responses that IM the one who feels embarrassed.

Think I'm done. Since friday, it's been bad vibes for me and I've ignored this shit before with other guys and its ended up being the reason it all falls apart anyway, but I just waste more time by continuing to "try".

Hes a good guy, a good catch for someone who is so laid back they are horizontal in life. I need passion, excitement, flirting, banter.... I need these things. They make me happy. Hes not providing them and I dont know why, as he was the one who chased me from the start.

What a load of bollocks this all is.[/quote]
But OP… passion is “heavy”!!

All those things you talk about describe the whirlwind of a love affair. That’s drama. That’s “heavy”.

You went into this not asking for “heavy”.

If you want the full loved-up experience then maybe you should reconsider what you want from a relationship?

OP honestly you sound like an immature teenager. Poor guy how will he live up to these expectations - sending factual places to meet? Not sure what else you expect from him? A date in the London Eye or the Savoy?

@TheFoundations
Thank you and I mean that sincerely. I have read so many books over the years about why I am the way I am but you've just given me so much clarity in one message. A very different way to think about this and one I am absolutely going to explore. My behaviour and emotions are so embarrassingly immature, but I really really can't help it.

@keepingasecret1

You're right. That is heavy. Does sound like I want a love affair doesnt it. Maybe I do

OP I once had a boyfriend like this and I couldn't get my head round it at all. He stayed like this throughout and it always hurt my feelings. I remember one weekend away which was lovely but he kept discussing how he might go and work abroad the following year without even making reference to me. I found it very disheartening. For some people (me, probably you) words and emotion are part of what you want and need, and that's as valid as any sexual preference etc. It's part of what you find makes a connection. I get it, totally.

I've messaged him and called it off, wished him well and said I'm sorry.

Clearly I am not in the right frame of mind for this. Feel physically sick.

I'm glad what I said hit home, OP. I had counselling in my early 40s, and it took me a year of expensive sessions and loads of tears every Sunday morning for the penny to drop; I hope I've saved you some of that!

For me it came from childhood. It normally does, for most people. The chldish, out of control bit of you is the bit that didn't get mothered adequately, and so, got to a certain age (about 4) and stopped maturing there. And started yelling!

Have a think about the way your parents treated you. Did you feel respected and heard? It's not the same as whether you felt loved; my mum loved me to bits but she was so busy dealing with abuse from my dad that her parenting was all squiffy.

Have a think about the way your parents treated each other; did they hear and respond to each others feelings? Did they respect each other's needs? We grow up and replicate our parents' example. You might be doing this.

If you can find the root of it, you can fully absolve yourself. It was helpful to me to realise that I wasn't at fault, because I was a direct and unwitting result of the way I'd been parented, but I was responsible for my future behaviour, once I'd realised what was happening (and why I was like a walking volcano)

The fault/responsibility distinction is useful in relationships (and other arenas in life) too. 'He makes me happy: my unhappiness is his fault' is very different from 'He makes me unhappy: my happiness is my responsibility.' Same with jobs, accommodation, friends... everything, really.

@TheFoundations

Pandoras box I think is the word here. I'm sitting at my desk, the pouring rain perfectly reflecting my mood and I'm thinking about what you've said. My parents. Never really considered they might play a part. Dad worked, then went to the pub, then came home had dinner and slept. He was a kind gentle soul who I loved dearly but we never had a deep connection, he died when I was 30 so maybe there wasn't time. Who knows. Mum ... a tricky one. She can be hard work. Never a cuddly mum. The thought of cuddling up to her gives me the ick. Always has. I love her, will always look after her and day to day we get on OK but as a kid, she drank a lot. Still got everything done, clean house, we went to school, she worked, all good. But I do remember when her and dad used to go out at the weekends and leave me home with my younger sister (me maybe 10, her 6). And I hated it. I used to call the pubs bar phone asking for her. The relief I felt when they came home. I can still feel it now. Horrible. Generally though my childhood was ok. Holidays, well looked after. I remember them arguing a lot when drunk. Dad cheated on mum in the early years. I was old enough to remember being carted off to stay with my nan and grandad for a week or so. School was hard. Insecure because of acne and being a late developer and meeting some nasty girls along the way. Generally ok though.

I'm typing my thoughts so I'm sorry if this makes no sense to anyone !

Sounds like you want someone you know will be there for you.
I was listening to a therapy session podcast just yesterday on almost exactly the same thing and the therapist basically gave the same advice as TheFoundations; that even though the 4-year-old in you might be making a noise, the adult you can react to that noise differently.
Did you have any other, reliable adults in your life as a child?

Some people don't like to get deep in a text. If his texting standards are a deal breaker then yes end it now. It sounds like you sent him something with an expectation that you'd receive similar back. Has he sent deep texts before?